Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: Undereducated people [3]

World's illiteracy numbers in 2000

Can you help me check grammatical mistakes, give me advice and the overall? Thanks in advance.
Part 1:
The chart illustrates the percentage of people who are uneducated by every area of the world and by each gender in 2000. It is evident that South Asia has the highest illiteracy rates in both men and women in this year, opposed to the developed countries.

As can be seen on the chart, South Asia has a giant number of untutored people, whose men and women account for almost 55%, 32% respectively in the illiteracy level. It was followed by Arab States and Sub-Saharan Africa. Even though the number of uneducated women in Arab States overtakes Sub-Saharan Africa by about 3%, Sub-Saharan Africa exceeds Arab States by almost 1% in the number of illiterate men. East Asia and Latin America do not undergo any dramatic differences, ranging from 5% to 15%, excluding the figure by women in East Asia. Finally, Developed Countries are at its minimum, whose figures in male and female reach the lowest point.

One at a time.

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  Task 1
  

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: BALANCE BETWEEN WORK AND OTHER ASPECTS OF LIFE [4]

Hi, this is my essay, thanks for your assessment in advance. Would you mind focusing on assessing my word choice, task achievement, grammar, coherence and cohesion?

work and life balance

ESSAY
In the contemporary world, many people endeavor to balance the trade-off between work and other aspects of lives, but only a minority achieves this balance. This imbalance entails disastrous impacts, so some measures should be done to address the problems.

On the one hand, balancing between work and other parts of life portends grave consequences. First of all, this issue can increase the risks to both the physical and psychological health of workers. To be more specific, people who immerse in working spend less time taking care of themselves and restlessly keep their eyes glued to computer screens, thereby having headache, sore eyes and exhaustion. Moreover, when people overwork to a certain extent, people may lose a sense of job satisfaction and therefore descend into a state of job obsession and stress. Consequently, they could be indifferent and perpetuate to isolate themselves from society. Ultimately, their network of relationships will be detrimentally affected, for they disregard the time for family gatherings and socialization.

On the other hand, some actions should be done to mitigate the aforementioned problems. In terms of legality, government should impose employment laws regarding the rational time frame employees work for and promotion. Furthermore, employees are supposed to build a gymnasium or health center for staff to strengthen their health and diagnose their psychological problems if necessary. Another approach is encouraging the people to take time out to have a rest as they feel overwhelmed with work. Hence, before they resume work, they can have much chance to discover themselves and enjoy leisure pursuits, so they can be more focused, less burnt out and sustainable in the long run.

In conclusion, work and life balance is so difficult that not many people attain this due to some particular reasons. Anyways, some effective solutions should be proposed to alleviate the difficulty.

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Writing Feedback / Information regarding the proportion of energy generated from 5 sources in New Zealand and Germany [3]

Thanks for your assessment in advance. Can you focus on my word choice, task achievement, grammar, coherence and cohesion?

IELTS TASK 1: ELECTRICITY GENERATION

The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010.

MY ESSAY
The chart reveals information regarding the proportion of energy generated from five sources in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010. Generally, both countries experienced a marked increase in the total energy units and the most electricity was produced by coal in New Zealand and by nuclear in Germany.

To commence, in New Zealand, the units of coal, reaching 56 units, exceeded those of the others in 1980. Meanwhile, figures of natural gas and hydro amounted to an identical number of 30 units, while that of petroleum was at its minimum of 11 units. In 2010, there was an upsurge in the electricity proportion of coal, accounting for three fourths of the total energy in New Zealand. In contrast, those of natural gas and petroleum dropped moderately to resembling 2 units, and the opposite pattern was seen in hydro. In Germany, during 1980, both natural gas and coal generated a similar highest number of 28 units, as opposed to that of hydro. It was subsequently followed by petroleum and nuclear, with 22 and 20 units respectively. Over 2010, Germany underwent a great boom to 155 units, when hydro and natural gas both fell into a trough of 2 units. In the meantime, that of petroleum was almost as large as of coal.

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Writing Feedback / THE INFLUENCE OF PHONE CALLS [3]

THE INFLUENCE OF PHONE CALLS

Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Does this development have more positive or negative effects on both individuals and society? (Dated: September 9th, 2017)

At present days, as technology increasingly develops, a cell phone has become an integral part of people's lives when they facilitate mobile phones for work and personal contact all the time. Despite some demerits it brings about, its beneficial aspects outweighed those.

On the one hand, there are several particular benefits from the smartphone we can derive from. First of all, via mobile phone, geographical obstacles could not render us isolated from our families and friends. For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic, face-to-face contacts will be mostly restricted; hence, we still can hold phone calls with our families to stay in touch with each other. Moreover, regarding business and education, telephones may aid communication and exchange of information swiftly so that the efficiency and effectiveness are fostered. Therefore, a majority of enterprises capitalize on online contacts to assign their employees work and for business discussions without meeting in person.

On the other hand, some detrimental impacts of cellphones on daily life should not be overlooked. Initially, it could be a nuisance since mobile phones manipulate people and deprive them of personal freedom and privacy. For instance, a bombardment of phone calls for work at night could disrupt our valuable sleeping time and cause a great deal of time. In addition, in terms of relationships, they will be transformed in the adverse manner at the presence of cellphones. It could be attributed to the fact that people opt to make brisk calls to keep up-to-date about others instead of regular meetings, so people could be virtually linked but factually separated.

In conclusion, albeit disadvantageous to some extent, positive influences of phone calls are more significant.