Undergraduate / UC Prompt # 1: World of transitions [8]

Hello! I've just finished my draft on UC prompt 1. I will really appreciate any critiques, suggestions or corrections that can improve it. Thanks to everyone who reads and comments on my essay!!

Describe the world you come from - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

"Nicholas."
"Good morning, Ms.Penn."

I can feel my heart drumming against my ribs. I say to myself, 'It's simple. Don't be so nervous. Just say it.'

"Sam."
"Good morning, Ms.Penn."

Now, get ready...

"SooLim."
"G-good NONNING, Ms. Pin."

Oops.

I can clearly picuture the first day of my middle school in New Zealand. A nervous little Korean girl walks into the classroom and subsides into her allotted seat in stiff silence. She stares at the new world she has just entered, at the beaming blue eyes of her neighbor and the gentle curves of incomprehensible writings on white board. But her sense of wonder quickly dissolves as the roll call begins. Pressure mounts inside her. For the first time, she has to speak something out loud in English in front of public. One pity failure will make her a laughing stock, or so it seems to her. Yet the pressure quickly fades when she finally answers the call with a mispronounced "Good morning," leaving her flushed yet relieved at her incomplete success. She realizes then she has just taken one simple but hard step on a path of transition.

I grew up learning that life is change, and that every change is accompanied by challenges which overthrow the predictability of yesterday's routine. For instance, I immigrated to New Zealand from South Korea with my father and younger sister when I was twelve. Neither a naïve kindergartener nor a dashing teenager, I struggled to take in the world completely different from where I had been raised, let alone the sudden absence of my mother (who remained in Korea) at the crucial phase of adolescence. Simple thing such as a row with my father or my mumbling speech at school mattered to me, and I felt vulnerable as to where this tide of transition would lead me to. Yet, at some stage, I realized that it was I who has to take hold of my life's direction; it was I who choose to grow, and not to stay mired in hesitant bemusement at the changing circumstances. From then on, I strived to learn English to break the confining barrier of language. I tried to lessen my father's burden of raising two daughters without his wife in a new country. I became an independent individual, appreciating my life in a multicultural society. I have grown intellectually; the anxiety in expressing myself in English replaced with renewed confidence.

As a result, my subsequent strides on the path of transition became more willing and far-reaching. I moved my high school and took IB courses on my own decision to raise my intellectual bar. I took my first job after graduation, tutored and befriended kids I barely knew before. I was no longer a passive observer of changes, but an eager explorer on the road to potentials, challenges and accomplishments.

True, changes can bring pain and inconveniences. Nevertheless, my world has evolved from and will be constructed upon them, for now I realize that they also bring progress and maturity. Beyond a hard first step into the unknown, an adventurous journey to personal discovery will unfold. I am ready to take another life-changing stride towards your school, in search for my true potentials and growth at the end of the road.

[544 words]

Undergraduate / U Chicago Supplements: Something you have outgrown and Why chicago? [3]

Hi, I really need your comments on my chicago essays! I rushed to write these and I know there will be many grammatical errors and awkward phrases.

You can comment on one of the essays or on both, I will greatly appreciate any comments. Thanks!

Extended essay
Essay Option 2

The late-eighteenth-century popular philosopher and cultural critic George Lichtenberg wrote, "Just as we outgrow a pair of trousers, we outgrow acquaintances, libraries, principles, etc. at times before they're worn out and at times-and this is worst of all-before we have new ones." Write an essay about something you have outgrown, perhaps before you had a replacement-a friend, a political philosophy, a favorite author, or anything that has had an influence on you. What, if anything, has taken its place?

When I thought of a modern day chemist, I had often visualized a smartly gowned scientist with the famous Einstein's hair- concocting cures with a swishing air of professionalism. He would perform alchemy like a magician, surrounded by immaculate laboratory facilities. Mechanical perfection would be accompanied with his marvelous execution, which he easily enjoys and prides. Growing up, this romantic image of a genius chemist would slowly dissolve, but his easy grace would remain rooted in my imagination. I was still engrossed with the idea of a scientist's laidback expertise, and at the heart of my professional goal there was this vein of superficial desire that one day I would demonstrate my own mastery with the same effortless elegance.

At last, my fantasy came to an end- in the very professional environment that I so desired. I was standing in the middle of a laboratory in WithPals Pharmaceutical Company, quite unable to hear the gurgling noise of water aspirator or smell the pungent aroma of toluene. All of my senses were directed towards absorbing Dr.Hong's instructions for Acyloin condensation experiment. Frantic scribbling down of diagrams and notes began, and confusion reigned as steps were mingled within my racing brain. Feeling rather helpless, I asked for the second time if I could please hear the directions again. Dr.Hong, the chief executive of the company, would grant the favor and then say, rather emphatically, "You must think all along. Think!" Now where was the easy grace?

Working as a laboratory intern 7 hours per day for 6 weeks during last summer, I realized that there was no easy professionalism in any "professional" experiment. The long and difficult research theses often rendered me scratching my head in agony. The equations were complex, and the heavy, delicate apparatus needed extreme care. Experimental procedure was tedious, and my mind and body were constantly running to catch up on reaction pathways. But what shook my juvenile fantasy the most was the fact that the doctors also struggled in their experiments. They tenaciously observed and waited to yield a few grams of a desired product. They could fail their experiments- the product could be contaminated, or there could be a scale-up error, and they started all over again. Yet they kept on working until the fruit of their endeavor emerged. From their tenacity, I truly began to appreciate a chemical experiment not as a show of mastery but as a serious intellectual quest. It required solid foundation of theories and principles, to go beyond outward observations of things to understand the nature's inner working. Thoughts had to be processed and modified constantly during the procedure- to always know and manipulate what was going on in reactions. Above all, purpose was what mattered; "Aim," did not come first in every laboratory report for no reason. It was from this clear awareness of what to achieve, and resolute incentive to bring forth beneficial ends, that scientific work, discovery or synthesis alike, commenced. My passion re-ignited. I was determined to apply science for practical outcomes, even though it meant a lot of studying, repeated trials and waiting. My vain assumption was replaced by a new determination, and with this I was going to pursue my old goal to be a chemist.

Now back at home, I recall my chemical ventures in that small laboratory. I remember my awe at how knowledge could be backtracked, when I recognized organic functional groups I learnt in my high school labeled on bottles of chemicals. I remember my disappointment when my 5 days struggle against Acyloin condensation ended up as a failure due to a scale-up error. Above all, I clearly remember my excitement upon seeing tiny, still wet crystals harvested into reality within a rotating flask, after hours of spin-bar stirring and rotary evaporation. This memory I treasure the most, for it is a reward for my passionate endurance, and an amusing reminder of the childish expectation I have outgrown.

Undergraduate / Common App option 1) My volunteer trip to the Philippines [3]

I urgently need help!! This is a modified version of my old UC essay, made to fit common app topic.
Please leave any comments, critiques, corrections- they will be really, really appreciated. I particularly need someone to check my grammar.
Thanks!

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Beads of sweat trickled down from my forehead as I pushed my shovel once again into the soil. I could feel my face steaming in the sauna of tropical heat. I took off my gloves to find translucent vesicles on my palms- I smiled. Blisters are not often seen as a sign of achievement, yet after two days of sweat drenched toil, I counted each one with pride.

I was excavating the site for a septic tank for one of the houses constructed during the 2 weeks I spent in the Philippines in July 2008, in the Village of St.Dominics for Habitat For Humanity. The procedure was laborious, driving a metal spike into the unyielding ground and shoveling out rocks and soil. Progress was slow, each hand won meter, earned in sweat, blistered hands and aching muscles. Yet when I stood looking down at the resultant hole and then at the smiling village children, I felt a profound sense of accomplishment; I dug for them.

My father has often told me that people are defined not by their pronouncements, but what they actually do. This experience has made his advice deeply personal, for my early attempts at acknowledging poverty in the third world had amounted only to making donations to Save The Children, or buying trinkets from the Trade Aid Store. Here, I assembled concrete bricks, plastered walls with cement, and smoothed level the floors of these dwellings. I worked side by side with the village people, and chattered with their mischievous children during break times. I became a builder, and a friend. I learnt much from being both. As a friend, I came to truly understand these people's lives, the poverty in their bare feet and in their stories of cheap labor. They were real, not just some images on the Net that I click on and simply stare at. As a builder, I no longer passively observed the apparent suffering in sight. I was providing a shelter; I was, by my own effort, helping to construct better lives. Now I knew my role, and my strength.

Poverty, to me, is no longer an abstract concept. I have seen its human faces, smelt its open drains, and watched families struggle to support their children. However, while shoveling out 4 cubic meters of soil for each septic tank, I realized that if we individuals take small but meaningful steps to assist the lives of others in need, we can address this problem of poverty.

I also learnt from the smiles of the villagers, that as people, we are united far more by our similarities than divided by our differences. We share the common need for shelter, to be treated with dignity and respect, and above all, to hope that our children can have opportunity to realize their dreams, as my parents did brining me to New Zealand from Korea. Knowing that I could provide those opportunities, I am no longer a spectator but a builder. This experience has made me hungry to become involved in practical acts of service, and I am confident that many opportunities will present themselves by involvement in the campus of the university.

Undergraduate / U Chicago supplement: tell us about a few of your favorite books. [3]

Hi, this is my Chicago optional essay.
I'm worried cuz I wrote about only one book. Should I write about at least two?
Any comments/critiques/corrections will be greatly appreciated!

Mariam bounces in the truck as it rolls along the unpaved road. Her destination is Ghazi Stadium, the site for public executions. She is afraid, and so am I. Clouds of anguish clog my inside, burning my throat as I watch her on her way to death- a heroic, beautiful, yet tragic end. Watching the world for the last time through her burqa, Mariam kneels. The executioner's Kalashnikov swings down. I cry all night long.

Khaled Hosseini's "A Thousand Splendid Suns," left me shaken for days after reading it. The novel is a traumatic story about war, gender injustice, and violence, conveyed through the view points of two Afghan heroines, Mariam and Laila. The two protagonists struggle against their brutal marriage with Rasheed, the unending war in Kabul, and the oppressive rule of Taliban. Throughout the story they suffer from their husband's verbal and physical assaults, yet develop a friendship that later defines their identities. Much as I had pitied both women, I hated Rasheed for the issues he represented. He personified the illogical and dangerous belief that some particular groups of humans were God's mistakes, and therefore should be treated as inferiors. In the real world, this very belief is arousing hideous acts of violence such as the acid attack on Kabul's school girls in 2008. It is what brings Mariam's tragic execution in the story, as the Taliban-operated jury would not consider a woman's justification in killing her husband in order to save her friend's life. Both female protagonists, however, prove through their friendship that humanity can still prevail in these victimizing conditions. Although I was heartbroken to see Mariam die, I was also relieved at her obtaining a new sense of identity through her sacrifice. She was not an "unwanted thing," a beaten wife and a victim of blind traditions, but "someone who had loved and been loved back." She leaves the story as an ultimate victor, and I applaud at her strength and heroism.

(327 words)

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer: Elaborate on one of your activities; kendo [4]

Hi,
Please comment on my common app short answer. Your help in this busy time will be greatly appreciated!!!

I peer into my opponent's eyes through the metal bars of my armor. The world becomes silent. My grip on my bamboo sword tightens-I am ready. With a daring scream, I charge.

Apart from regularly attending my school kendo club, I also used to train at a kendo academy outside school. Twice a week, I would put on my armor and duel with other senior members. They were mostly males, all tall and skilled. Compared to them, I was an amateur. However, when I encountered them in our duels, I discarded mundane concerns. Instead, I focused on my target. My body and mind were directed towards a single purpose. My opponent was my goal, and I was going to give everything I had in this moment to strike and win. The art of concentration was what I learnt in this seemingly reckless exercise. It needs courage and determination to overcome fears and focus on a risky goal. And I had them.

Undergraduate / to become a synthetic chemist: academic interest/professional goal [4]

Hello,
can anyone give me any suggestions on this essay? the deadline's Jan 2nd.
I will greatly appreciate your comments/critiques/corrections.

As a child, I loved creating something. I would make a lion with playdough, draw an imaginative wonderland, and write fantasy tales. I also delighted in observing the world. I used to touch a desk and ask myself what caused its hardness and watch boiling soup, wondering why it thickened as it got hotter. I had these creative urge to harvest a new reality, and intellectual curiosity to delve deeper into the nature's phenomena. As I grew up, I found Chemistry the ideal subject to quench both of my desires.

To me, Chemistry is a field which holds much promise. Its study will allow my theoretical ventures into the nature's inner workings and the existence and constitution of matters that I questioned so many times as a child. At the same time, it will provide opportunities to apply my knowledge in practice, enabling the empirical experiences of nature that I so desired to achieve. However most importantly, it will ultimately offer me the opportunities to be an inventor of new materials, molecules, drugs, theories or technologies. I believe that by exploring the specific field of synthetic chemistry, I will be able to utilize my creative spirit and knowledge to bring forth the reality I hope to materialize.

It was perhaps my internship experience that I conclusively decided to become a chemist. Working as a laboratory assistant in a pharmaceutical company for 6 weeks last summer, I participated in generic drug cultivations and was able to witness the practical applications of organic chemical syntheses. Despite the arduous experimental procedure that I underwent, I could not suppress my excitement upon seeing the ingredients for cure emerging into reality. It was then I was determined to become a synthetic chemist, to implement my knowledge and yield my best creation for the betterment of society.

(299/300)

Undergraduate / U of M- "New Zealand on the International Scene," respect for diversity [4]

Hello,
this is my U of Michigan short essay. Currently my word count is approx 350, I need to cut down more than at least 50 words. Can anyone give me some suggestions? and can someone please check my grammar? I would really appreciate your help.

As if reviving the legendary congregation of King Arthur and his Knights, eleven young people gathered around a round table to discuss the agenda concerning our country's foreign affairs. Our team's topic for 2008 Auckland Youth Declaration was "New Zealand on the International Scene," an issue which I thought I had a lot to contribute as a bicultural Korean-New Zealander. All of our team members had come from the multicultural city of Auckland, representing various ethnicities, schools and social values. So it was easy to anticipate a vitalizing yet possibly challenging encounter with differing perspectives.

Indeed, our team became quickly engaged in the heated discussion, in which I was able to observe how our distinct experiences and values could culminate into innovative ideas and agreements. For instance, a Pakeha student who had an experience of visiting my home country, Korea, offered his views on NZ trade on the basis of Korean economic model, while on the other hand, I was able to relate my knowledge about Asia-Pacific alliances (which include both Korea and New Zealand) to NZ defense strategy. There were also heated debates between opposing ideals, such as the one between a conservative British guy from my school and a Chinese guy who was inclined to socialist values from another school on the issue of NZ defense and aid target. Yet they also added to the vitality of the discussion, as we were not trying to judge which suggestion was better than the other, but to make best use of our diverse opinions to reach a resolution we could all agree upon. At the end of the conference, our team proposed six new policies to be voted by the rest of the youth delegates; each proposal was the result of exchange and appreciation of differences.

Through this experience, I came to value diversity as a valuable fosterer for better ideas and society, and communication an essential tool to understand diversity. I believe that individuals can educate and learn from each other by expressing and sharing their cultural and personal histories, and this is what I plan to practice in the campus of the university to enrich its diversity and develop my own personal maturity.

Undergraduate / UM setback essay- my failed experiment. [7]

Hello, today is the deadline and I have just finished my setback essay.
This was originally U Chicago supplemental essay, "something you have outgrown," modified to fit the present UM topic.
Does it sound appropriate? Please give me some feedback, thank you very much!

[A] Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?

When I thought of a modern day chemist, I would visualize a smartly gowned scientist with the infamous Einstein's hairdo concocting elixirs with a swishing air of professionalism. Like a magician, he would perform alchemy with an assembly of various, seemingly over-complicated gadgets. Mechanical perfection would be accompanied by flawless execution, which he (of course,) enjoys and prides. Growing up, this romantic image of a genius chemist would slowly dissolve, but his easy grace would remain rooted in my imagination. I was still engrossed with the idea of a scientist's laidback expertise, and at the heart of my professional goal, there was this superficial desire that one day I would demonstrate my own mastery with the same effortless elegance.

Alas, my fantasy came to an end- in the very professional environment that I so desired. I was standing in the middle of a laboratory in WithPals Pharmaceutical Company, quite incognizant of the gurgling noise of the water aspirator and the pungent aroma of toluene. All of my senses were directed into absorbing Dr.Hong's instructions for the Acyloin condensation experiment. Frantic scribbling of diagrams and notes began, and confusion soon followed as the steps jumbled my racing brain. Feeling rather helpless, I asked for the second time if I could please hear the directions again. Dr.Hong, the chief executive of the company, would grant the favor and then say, rather emphatically, "You must think all along. Think!" Now where was the easy grace?

Working as a laboratory intern 7 hours per day for 6 weeks during last summer, I realized that there was no easy professionalism in any "professional" experiment. The long and difficult research theses often rendered me scratching my head out of perplexity. The equations were complex, and the heavy, delicate apparatuses needed extreme care. Experimental procedure was tedious, and my mind and body were constantly running to catch up on reaction pathways. But what shook my vain confidence the most was the failure of one of the biggest experiments I have ever conducted in my life. After 5 days of toil in a dizzying smell of Toluene, and after endless hours of spin-bar stirring, the Acyloin condensation experiment turned out to be fruitless.

"Oh, there was an error in scale-up. We need to do it all over again," said Dr.Hong so matter-of-factly that it hurt. Do it again? After all these efforts?

Soon, I realized that the doctors could also struggle and fail in their experiments. They, too, interminably observed and waited to yield a few grams of a desired product. They could gain no results at all - the product could be contaminated, or there could be a scale-up error, and they started all over again. Yet they kept on working until the fruits of their endeavor emerged. From their tenacity, I truly began to appreciate a chemical experiment not as a show of mastery but as a serious intellectual quest. It required a solid foundation of theories and principles, to go beyond outward observations of things to understand the nature's inner workings. Thoughts had to be processed and modified constantly during the procedure- to always know and manipulate what was going on during the experiment. Above all, purpose was what mattered; "Aim," did not come first in every laboratory report for no reason. It was from this clear awareness of what to achieve, and the resolute incentive to bring forth beneficial ends, that scientific work, discovery or synthesis alike, commenced. My passion re-ignited. I was determined to apply science for practical outcomes, even though it meant a lot of studying, repeated trials and waiting. My failed experiment has replaced my vain assumption with new determination, and with this I was going to pursue my old goal of becoming a chemist.