Undergraduate / 'I was a corpulent teenager' - UC Personal Statement #1 - Describe your World [4]

Remember that the prompt isn't simply describe your world it's also relating it also asks you to tell how that world has shaped your dreams and aspirations

You go from Christianity to losing weight to math. I feel like you only describe your world in
"My family and friends provide encouragement for the decisions I make. One may contemplate why an Iranian Muslim mother and an American Jewish father would accept me, their child, becoming Christian. I cannot pinpoint the reason except that they exert their force onto me."

and you only talk about your dreams and aspirations in
"I formulated the next, according to Erik Erikson's Psychosocial Stages, five stepping stones of my life. Identity: I plan to earn a degree in Biochemistry and become an Oral Surgeon. Intimacy: As the majority of males, find a partner and grow a family."

but your world and dreams aren't related.

The majority of your personal statement should be about your dreams and aspirations. And it's a lot better to be straightforward then say things like

"Within myself I feel as if certain energies both ooze out of and surge into my core. Flowing toward vital organs are support and acceptance while autonomous perseverance glow from my shoulders."

Write about why you want to become an Oral surgeon. Why do you want to start a family? But focus more on the oral surgeon part.

For example:
My friend is an athlete that got injured on multiple occasions. After going through physical therapy she realized that was the profession she wanted to enter because of her experiences in therapy and the help and comfort she received from it.

Undergraduate / Influenced by the enviornment UC prompt 1 [3]

What are your dreams and aspirations? I don't see anything about that. Your prompt 1 should be a balance between your world and your dreams.

The paragraph you wrote about your mom passing away doesn't seem to fit in. It seems like you just threw it in there for a sob story. You should either focus on being a minority or your mom passing away.

You don't have to describe your school and your family. The prompt says describe your family, school OR community. It says or for a reason.

Think about what your dreams are and then pick which part of your world you would like to write about. Relate your world to what you want to do.

Undergraduate / The effect of the recession - Prompt #1 [3]

Your personal statement is on topic. I like it but there should be some changes. I hope this helps

The United States is in a recession and coming from the Merced County in California, it really shows. There are empty plots of land everywhere and more and more houses are being foreclosed everyday. It's depressing. It's stuff like this that make me want to change the city, the nation, or even the world.

I started to learn about physics and math and economics my junior year at Livingston High School. I was amazed at how they could be applied to the world around me. I wanted to learn more and more about it, so I started looking into these fields of study. They showed me that there may be challenges that seem insurmountable but there is always an answer and it is the same with life. No matter what challenges there are, there is always a solution and a way to fix it. That is when I realized that I wanted to be an engineer. There are many challenges that engineers all over the world are working to find solutions to and I want to be one of them.

Being an engineer means being one step closer to making my dream of changing the world for the better a reality. This is where a college education comes in handy. The University of California can help me make a difference by giving me the knowledge to make things better in the world or just in my community.

Alexander Graham Bell said that "When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us" and I believe that this describes our world right now. People can see the problems and are well aware of it but can only think of how we could have done things differently without realizing that we have the potential to move forward. With things the way they are right now, it's the perfect opportunity for anyone to make a change. I feel like this is my opportunity and being an engineer is my way of taking advantage of it.

Undergraduate / Moving from Chinatown to So Cal - prompt #1. [6]

Why don't you begin with a story.
Then describe the move
and end with why you want to be an engineer

without seeing a draft I can't really help

Undergraduate / Breaking out of the glass sphere - UC essay #1 [7]

I like your essay but you need to check your grammar. A great essay ridden with countless errors isn't great at all. And it seems like you just threw in the last paragraph it really doesn't flow.

I re-wrote your essay to be in the present tense. It's not good to go back and forth between tenses. I would also suggest cutting down on describing your parents and elaborate more on why you want to be a teacher. How does your parent's protectiveness make you want to be a teacher?

That's what the prompt is asking

I stand at the edge of the world, encased by a delicate glass sphere. Deep in the heart of my sphere pulses the love and caring of my family along with their fierce protection. The edges of the sphere are clean and transparent - my vision is in no way blocked from the world and all its suffering. From a young age, my parents have exposed me to cultural and world affairs; I've traveled the world, kept up on the news, contributed to charities and participated in fundraising events. However, my own world, my personal life, has been protected and sheltered; my parents have made many important decisions for me. All the while, my desire to understand and follow my truth, my higher purpose in life, has been ripening like a fruit, and finally I feel that the time has arrived for that fruit to depart from its nurturing, but protective, tree.

Since I was young, I have watched as my parents have made decisions for me. I knew they were just looking out for my best interests, but I felt that at some point I needed to break free from the protective glass sphere. It was during my freshman year that I finally began to chip away at the glass bubble, when at last I won a struggle to take Japanese as my foreign language. I was greatly discouraged by my dad, who, being logical and persuasive, thought the better choice would be the more pragmatic Spanish. But I knew Japanese was the better choice for me because of my life-long passion for the language and culture. I couldn't have been more right to listen to this voice inside me that had struggled to surface for so long: in Japanese, I flourished at the top of the class as a straight A+ student, and finished with a 5 on the AP exam.

As I now enter the world as a young adult - my glass bubble shatters beneath me - all the decisions I make are my own, and my choices will come from within my heart, following my own inner guidance. Up until now, I have been more exposed to world truths, but it is the inner truths that I've had to discover on my own, and that is what truly has helped me know what is right and achieve more independence.

By becoming a teacher, I want to do my part to give back to the world... I want to help teach students from the inside-out... By helping them find their own independence and inner truths, they can find the inspiration to give back to the world.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - My World, working class immigrants [3]

Your personal statement is great
but unless Cal is the only UC you're applying to I suggest you not specify. You have 1 app for all the UCs you apply to.

As the son of war refugees and working class immigrants, I knew my future would be a perilous journey. I grew up in a struggling family and watched both parents come home after a day's worth of sewing. Every day and every night, the same story dragged on; my parents' responsibility to provide for the family was a never-ending tale. As I grew older , I could not help but to relieve my parents' stress. I sought to do my part in the family: to succeed where my parents did not and to live the opportunities that they were never given.

Undergraduate / Breaking out of the glass sphere - UC essay #1 [7]

your welcome shanemrys
I closed my thread because I submitted my app. Luckily I already made the changes you suggested.

Undergraduate / Moving from Chinatown to So Cal - prompt #1. [6]

I agree with Jeff
just write until you see something that you liked
I wrote about 6 drafts of my prompt 1. Keep writing and asking people to critique. you'll be amazed at how much better your last one is from your first one.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 - Architecture tells the stories of people's lives, beliefs, and cultures. [7]

Great Essay
I love how you connect your experiences in open houses to wanting to be an architect. It's nice how the majority of your essay is focused on your dreams and aspirations and yet I can still see aspects of your family life.

I stopped at the entrance horrified at the stairs that lay directly in front of the entryway. My sister and I looked each other wincing - mother will definitely be complaining about the fengshui of this house. Continuing on, we explored the newly built eco-friendly house located in San Francisco ...We go to open houses, not as potential buyers

San Franciscan homes reflect the city's...While the exterior reflected the styles, the interior floor plan and amenities of the homes were still Western.

Undergraduate / USC essay - I will always remember the people who have shaped my life. [4]

On November 2nd, All Soul's Day, my relatives come together in prayer to honor our ancestors who have passed away. This past fall on All Souls' Day, my grandma, whom we call Lola, called my four younger sisters and I to her room to show us something. Several pieces of luggage from the Philippines were strewn around the room. My grandma took out an old rusting jewelry box from one of her suitcases. Opening the box, she revealed the vintage 1930's jewelry it contained. They belonged to my great-grandmother. My grandma kept them for all these years in remembrance of her mother. From her father she had a prayer book that was starting to fall apart. She opened it gingerly and showed us the message he had written for her on her seventh birthday. She had preserved these belongings, along with others from close friends and relatives, and with them she preserved their influences on her life. It was not the objects themselves that held the value, but the people they represented. After hearing my grandma's stories I felt like I understood her better. I finally knew her background and the people who made her who she is today I began to think of the significant people in my life and how they have affected me.

Each significant person plays a role in my life. My parents are my brain-they have helped me shape my understanding of the world. They introduced me to my faith and taught me the difference between right and wrong. I have learned the value of diligence and dedication-my parents are both prime examples of each. My dad is constantly working in order to keep a roof over our heads, but also makes time to spend with the family. My mom is the glue that holds the family together. She does everything from cooking and cleaning and keeping us all in line. Both have been devoted to having a happy and unified family, and they have made sacrifices to keep it that way. To show my appreciation I try to contribute to the family and perform my best in school.

As the oldest of five daughters I've had my share of responsibilities and there has always been pressure on me to set a good example for my siblings(you already say that you're the oldest you don't have to say younger siblings) . My sisters serve as my arms and legs because they influence my actions and decisions. To them I am a role model, and therefore I have to be responsible and set positive examples for them. Before I make a decision I consider not only how the consequences will affect me but my family as well.

Throughout my school years I have made several friendships with many different people. They vary in race and religion and have exposed me to their different cultures. My friends are my eyes, as they show me the world through different perspectives. Because of the diversity I have witnessed the complexity of the Bharatanatyam Indian classical dance, the hip-hop styles of urban arts, and even my own Filipino culture. I have become increasingly curious and restless to explore the foreign cultures of the world. Had I not had a chance to experience these things, I may not know the different lifestyles of the countries that await me.

But most of all it is because of my grandparents, especially my Lola, that I understand the meaning of empathy and affection. They play the essential role of my heart, by teaching me to care about others before myself by contributing to society. They encourage community service to give back to the world that has provided me with so much. I have a close relationship with my family because of their efforts to keep us together, and it is because of them that I can appreciate the people in my life.

Like a body cannot function without each organ or part, I would not be able to behave and think the way I do without these people in my life. Without them, I may not be the responsible, dedicated, and open-minded person I am today. Just as my Lola remembers her past, I will always remember the people who have shaped my life.

I tried to cut down your words. it should be under 700 now. I just made a few changes.

Since I'm not applying to USC, I'm not quite sure how the prompt should be answered or what the admissions counselors look for but I think you did a great job. The only suggestion I would make is cutting down on the first paragraph it seems like it's too focused on your grandmother. You mention her countless times in the essay so it wouldn't matter much. It's nice how you start off with a story though.

Undergraduate / UC Essay: Helping Others & Choir Solo [3]

My family has always had the ambition to reach bigger and greater things. They have taken it upon themselves to try and better the lives of the people around them. My desire to selflessly help others was inspired by the ambition of my family.

My family has always sought to improve the lives of others. My grandmother had the desire to make a better life for her children in a place where they were more opportunities open to them than where they were currently living. My parents continued this ambition by both working jobs to provide for my siblings and me.( I don't like this sentence, did they work countless jobs because all parents work to provide for their families) I remember having to be watched by my grandparents on nights when both my parents would have to work just so that they could pull enough money together to not only pay their bills but to give my family whatever we wanted. It did not occur to me at the time that they were sacrificing so much just to make sure that we were happy. Even now, when my older brother is in college, my mother still seeks to help makes things easier by offering to pay for his phone bill. My brother can and has been able to pay for his own line, but she recognizes that she was brought up knowing that money could be plentiful one month and scarce the next and so wishes to aide in any way she can.( this goes off topic)

Seeing this pattern of selflessness in my family has inspired me to continue the tradition. Being openly gay, I made myself a support figure for any person struggling with their sexuality. My best friend came to me for support when he started to question his sexuality. I was able to use what I had gone through as a basis for advice as well websites/book that he could go to for further advice. By being a support figure, I helped other people during one of the hardest times in their life.

This has led me to become aspired to look towards a career where I can help people. Specifically, I would like to be able to continue to help confused gay teens as I believe there is not enough support for them in the world right now. I want to be able to help lift them out of their confused world and set them on a path towards self-acceptance.

As I look at my dreams now, I can see that they are not random at all. They fit in with my family history. People hoping to help other people, doing whatever they can to make things easier. My ancestors have passed on this passion of helping people onto me, and I righteously accept it and hope to pass it on to more people in the world.

I think you should make your paragraphs connect more. Don't use phrases like for example, instead just lead into the example.
I understand that your family likes to help people and your gay so you want to help people with their sexuality. But since this is more about sexuality why don't you talk less about your family helping others and expand on why you want to help people in that particular area.

I really like your second prompt. Its nice how you start off with a story.

Besides the obvious satisfaction, I gained a realization about my life and who I am. I had worked hard on the song as a whole, as I do with all aspects of my life. Term papers, projects, personal goals; all of these things require dedication to accomplish. They also required that focus and motivation. Singing the solo required me to practice, focus, and motivate myself just like I do with everything else in my life.

Being able to sing the solo showed me that no matter the obstacle, I can accomplish whatever I want. No matter what is put in front of me, as long as I stay motivated and focused, I can complete any task. It makes me proud to know that my hard work eventually does pay off . My friends always complain that what they do in school or in life will never pay off and so it is pointless. I'm proud to know that it can and will pay off as long as you put your mind to it.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins University-Why I Chose Math and Public Health [4]

I really like your essay but I think it would be better if you could somehow connect math and public health. Your two paragraphs are about completely different things and, other than the intro for the 2nd paragraph, nothing ties them together.

Overall, it's a really good statement

Undergraduate / Portrait of a Muse. NYU Supplement - Movie of your life [6]

why 40 year old artist? shouldn't you put your age?
I really like the rest of it
nice job

Undergraduate / English as a medium common app general essay [3]

As soon as I stepped off the plane, I started comparing the two separate worlds. The feeling of the ground was the same, as was the thickness of the air; in fact, there were many similarities between Boston, and what the common application now calls "The Russian Federation."

At the time my most influential teacher was The Disney Channel, and cereal was my favorite food. (remove this sentence its irrelevant)

I would promptly do my ESL homework and I would do it alone, because my mom was at work.(remove)

Undergraduate / "a self-proclaimed mutt." - Stanford Roommate Essay [3]

I am a self-proclaimed mutt. I'm not using this word as a self-depreciating term but rather as an illustration of my diversity; no single category, culture, or personality type will ever fit me completely.(I took out a sentence because it seems to interrupt the flow of the paragraph) A mixture by culture, I was born of an Asian mother and an American father, and I was raised in various countries of Europe for more than half of my life.

As for my interests? I am also quite a mélange in those, too; I am fascinated by the sciences, yet consider myself quite artistic. I enjoy the fine arts, yet also find pleasure in health and fitness. My hobbies range from skydiving to reading self help books.

No need to help me I'm done with my apps.

The rest of the essay seems fine. I actually read the passage before reading the question and I was kind of wondering how this would help someone get to know you better. The stuff you say seems pretty general and basic. Why don't you mention what kind of art you like? for example I think I would know you better if you said

I enjoy all kinds of art from the classics of Rembrandt and Picasso to the controversial pieces like those of Andy Warhol's .
rather than
I enjoy the fine arts, yet also take pleasure from health and fitness.

Undergraduate / "my campaign" - Common Application Essay about Ketchup [6]

While Student Council President would be just another trophy among many for the other candidates, I knew without a doubt that I would commit one hundred and ten percent to the position.

thats the only error i found. You did a really good job. I like how you circle back to being on stage. I think this essay is ready to be submitted

Undergraduate / Portrait of a Muse. NYU Supplement - Movie of your life [6]

Oh I see that makes sense

Undergraduate / Columbia short answers - books, shows, and why Columbia [6]

I don't think you should stress too much on the short answers. These questions seem like they're meant more for the admissions people to understand you better. Just be truthful. The only one you should really worry about is the one where you write which is number 5.

I like it a lot but it kind of bothers me how you start off with a question, although you do make good use of it.