Undergraduate / "our departure from NC Governor's School" - Give Me Some Advice [6]

Prompt: In an essay of no more than 500 words, tell us about a community (i.e. your school, your church, your neighborhood, etc.) that was instrumental to your personal development, including specific examples of how and why it challenged you to better yourself.

I am trying to recycle one of my essays to answer this prompt, but I am afraid that it doesn't really address the prompt fully. Thank you everyone who would be reading my essay :) Please give me some feedback and advice on how to revise this essay to answer the prompt above better.

Essay:

A week after our departure from NC Governor's School, I got a letter from Alex Guzman, congratulating my 18th birthday:
"Eric, you are one of the people that have influenced me the most in my life. I am grateful for our friendship. I love you!"

Walking down the rows of tables holding my first dinner at Governor's School, I noticed a Latino-looking student seated in a table filled with ghosts. Out of curiosity or sympathy, perhaps both, I sat in front of him, trying to pull out a smile and some enthusiasm. "Hey! My name is Eric. What's yours?"

After my first encounter with Alex, I concluded he was a very depressed, introverted, and almost antisocial individual. During the first few days, Alex soon opened up with me, and I with him, sharing personal conflicts and seeking advice from each other. As our friendship progressed, Alex began to tell me the recent events he had gone through concerning family, church, academics, and friendship. He told me how depressing and stressful it had been for him. I had been recently going through similar hardship due to domestic and economic instability myself. Prior to summer, my parents' conflicts had reached the court. In order to help Alex recognize the positives in his life and the potential within himself, I had to maintain an optimistic outlook despite my own troubles. In providing him with counsel and support, I learned to pay attention to others' problems instead of simply grieving over my own. It required me courage, trust, and understanding to provide him with candid, friendly advices when he needed them.

Five months after Governor's School has ended, we still maintain our friendship and counsel. Last month, Alex informed me of an estranging incident between him and his younger brother. Giving him advice, I had a chance to reflect upon my relationship with my sibling and to challenge myself to become a more caring and open-minded brother. Even though Alex came to me with an emotionless, shy mask, he left me with drops of tear and a wide smile on his face. I have helped him understand the value of true friendship and discover the true color inside him. In return, Alex has taught me that small pieces of advice along with the willingness to help could bring about a positive, enduring impact on others. With some courage and optimism, I too can bring positive change in other individuals.

Undergraduate / Five Qualities that define you! [2]

Please review my short-answer list and edit it.
Thank you all for doing this for me! :)

Prompt: Tell us five qualities that define you and will enable you to contribute uniquely to the ------- community. Tell us about your activities, your accomplishments, and your passions.

(500 character max per answer)

My answer (in a list format):

1. I have compassion. Tutoring at Durham YMCA, Korea School, and E. K. Powe Elementary or organizing musical performances at nursing homes for Music Club do not fully define my passion for helping those around me. One day, I will become a doctor and join the Red Cross. Free of monetary concerns or social ambitions, I will help the destitute, those who have been abandoned or missed by others. My heartbeat quickens as I imagine myself sharing a word of love and saving lives with my own hands.

2. I am a lover of diversity. I embrace different cultures and perspectives. I like kimchi, but I like curries, spaghettis, tacos, and apple pies as well. I have exposed myself to Israel through Hebrew seminar as well as to Japan through japanesepod101.com. I have participated in a state-wide Japanese speech contest. At school, I have added to the diversity by initiating Korean seminar, which now composes 15 students. I have also created Vision for North Korea to raise awareness among my peers.

3. I am an ambitious musician. I love playing piano and violin. In ninth grade, I joined Greensboro Youth Symphony as a last chair second violin. With hours of practice each day, I had advanced to an eighth chair first violin by sophomore year. I also played in various regional orchestras. I compose optimism and hope despite the financial and domestic instability of my family. I also compose simple comedy. Without much effort, I can break awkwardness just by pronouncing 'pizza' or 'squirrel.'

4. I am a lover of challenge. Having shortness of breath and weak physique, I joined cross country as a freshman and have been running as a varsity runner since sophomore year. Having been the slowest in the team, I now possess a personal record of less than 20 minutes. I spend weeks for an essay for which the native speakers would spend two hours. I have cried and have had bloody nose to maintain good grades at a school full of intelligent Americans. Thirsty for more, I imagine myself at -------.

5. I am an adventurer and a constant wanderer. Even though my financial situation and visa status currently prevent me from traveling abroad, I have traveled to various nations in my childhood from Singapore and Malaysia to England and Netherlands. In a hot shower, I close my eyes and become a neurosurgeon, a biomedical engineer, a diplomat, and a violinist. I am eager to contribute to the world. I am no hero, but I am a dreamer. I know my limits, yet I do not know impossibility or giving up.

Undergraduate / Help with Common App Essay: "I Am an Alien" [9]

Hello, guys :) I would appreciate very very much if you guys could edit my main common app essay. My English is not perfect because I moved to US four years ago, but don't be merciful for this reason :) Thank you very much for doing this for me.

I am really afraid that this topic may be way too common and that my essay may not stand out very much within the international pool...

"What makes the desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

I am an Alien. On Planet America, lacking a nine-digit number imposes an alien status upon me. "Do you have a Social Security Number?" This frequently asked question pierces my heart like a tiny, sharp, invisible needle. No matter how many times I encounter it, I have not been able to develop immunity to the sense of shame and guilt created by the suspicious stares of DMV officers or the condescending glances of bank tellers.

Upon moving to the U.S., my first difficulties began with school work. Despite my attempts to understand them, some of the teacher's words would escape my brain like dandelion seeds carried by the wind. Night after night I would labor through textbooks bound together with the most baffling English words. While at first I had pitied myself and lamented the disadvantages and flaws in my situation, I eventually saw things through a different perspective. I learned to value the vast academic opportunity that I have and the rich cultural diversity that has expanded my views. I came to appreciate the countless drops of sweat and tears my family has shed to allow me to be where I am now. At moments when my heavy eyelids and a nosebleed lured me to sleep or when a failing grade on a test tempted me to give up that subject, I remembered my parents who had held countless jobs, working in a number of positions and places from Jamestown and High Point to Fayetteville and Virginia. I feel grateful for all sacrifices, both small and large.

By observing my parents and witnessing other families undergo similar challenges, I have developed a sense of compassion toward a broader range of people. Looking through the iron bars of a laundromat, I see a Mexican woman and am reminded of my mother and the immigrant parents around me. At school, I see a nervous Chinese man delivering a box of General Tso's Chicken. He is unrecognized by the students and faculty passing by, but I understand and give him a warm smile. In Korea, I did not know what it was like to face discrimination. I looked indifferently upon the Filipino laborers who had come to my country. Now when I see these aliens or poor laborers, I think of their families, their children, and the sacrifices they must be experiencing daily. Hiding the pain behind the shade of their stoic faces and mechanical movements, they work through each day. Handling load after load of laundry or cleaning and clearing the way for others, they too have dreams and aspirations.

As I relate to the struggles of the people that I encounter every day, my determination, together with theirs, propels me forward. Often, I envision myself as a grown-up. My heartbeat quickens as I imagine myself become a surgeon, a biomedical engineer, or a diplomat. No matter which path I may take, I long to reach out and to contribute to a broader world. Though some may say that these are not the perfect paths for me or remind me of how hard it would be for me to pursue them, I continue to dream, without boundaries but with passion. At times, I may find myself in a desert in my life. But as the dry desert air parches my throat, I will come to further appreciate the sweetness of life when I reach the oasis that the desert hides.

Leaving Planet Korea changed my life. The linguistic, cultural, academic, and financial hardships have broadened my perspective and have helped me to grow beyond the boundaries of what is familiar. Though I may face numerous obstacles in my path, these past four years have taught me that I can find a way. Through my experience as an alien, I have begun to find gratitude and hope in the midst of hardship and to pay attention to what is often missed by others. Like a lotus flower, I have learned to discover threads of sunlight in the darkness of muddy waters.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay "Shower Dreams" [10]

Here is another essay that I have written.
Please edit it and tell me whether you like this one or my other essay titled "I am an alien" better.

Thank you very much.

Shower Dreams

Time is life itself, and life resides in the human heart.- Michael Ende,Momo

A stream of warm water gently rubs my hair, my back, and my feet. Soon, the whiteness of the tiled walls around me vanishes from my perception. I vaporize together with the steam and begin a journey through time and space. In a hot shower, my imagination and dreams know no bounds.

One moment, I find myself in silent prayer. Dishes break. My parents' voices create discords, and vehement remarks are passed on in each direction. My brother shouts something in a shaky voice and locks himself in his cubicle upstairs. With sorrow and repulsion, I remember with a shiver, the court, my mother's new apartment and the distant expression in her eyes. After a while, tranquility returns momentarily. I let out a sigh of relief and let the water carry my tears.

Recovered, I envision myself in a third world country. I am a surgeon, with the ability to restore life and positively impact others with some courage and willingness to help. Free of monetary concerns or social ambitions, I help the destitute, those who have been abandoned or missed by others. My heartbeat quickens as I imagine myself saving lives with my own hands and sharing happiness and struggles with the people who live there. Despite the linguistic and cultural barriers, I embrace their differences and appreciate their gentle smiles, a fountain of joy in my life.

The bubbles from the shampoo slowly descend from my head to my toes, lightly touching my skin like a field of reeds brushing against my arms as I run through them. This time, I become a biomedical engineer contributing to the improvement of humanity. I pick up a sample of cancer cells and carefully scrutinize it with penetrating eyes. What are the fundamental processes that make these patients sick? How can I make chemotherapy less detrimental or perhaps make the bone marrow transplant safer? I dream of helping others fulfill their dreams, dreams to be healed and to survive.

The water softly massages my face. I open my mouth and let it tickle my tongue. In a moment, I discover myself among a roomful of foreign diplomats. I hear English spoken with a Farsi accent, a Chinese accent, and the familiar Korean accent of my own, defending my nation and presenting the opinions of my people before the world. I imagine myself in a conversation with a North Korean diplomat. Though smiling, I discuss with fortitude and passion the relationship between North and South Korea, denuclearization, unification of the Korean peninsula, and construction of global peace.

The warm vapor fills my lungs. I raise my fingers in the air and set them on an invisible Stradivarius. The bow, my toothbrush, feels lighter than ever, and the strings resonate with emotion and grace. The water creates an orchestra. It accompanies me, and we communicate through rhythm and sound. A musician, I compose beauty and joyfulness for the world around me.

Without warning, the orchestra ceases to play, and the cold air of reality replaces the warm vapors. Yet in my heart, I am a surgeon, a biomedical engineer, a diplomat, and a musician. Time does not threaten me. Instead of trying to capture time, I move forward with determination and let it pass by. I am no hero, but I am a dreamer. I know my limits, yet I do not know impossibility or giving up. Though my shower is concluded, my dreams continue to propel me forward. I open the shower curtain and prepare to step into the world.