Undergraduate / USC Essay + NYU Short answers critique [12]

Hi. I'm new here, so i hope i do this right.
***In the USC essay, i removed certain words about this condition I have that I would prefer not to be floating around the internet. e**** and ____ are basically replacing those words. I'll put them back in when I submit the application

USC essay: THOMAS EDISON FAILED MANY TIMES BEFORE SUCCESSFULLY INVENTING THE MODERN LIGHT BULB. HE SAID, "IF I FIND 10K WAYS SOMETHING DOESN'T WORK, I HAVEN'T FAILED..." REFLECT ON A CHALLENGE YOU OVERCAME THROUGH PERSISTANCE.

" It's summer vacation between fourth and fifth grades. I'm sitting on the arm of a couch, watching T.V., when suddenly I collapse. Several possibilities arise as to why I collapsed- was it so hot I fainted? Did someone push me over? Did I slip and fall? No, I had a _____. When I awoke in the hospital with my mom crying by my side, the doctors informed me that I had been diagnosed with e*****, a _____ disorder. My life was never the same.

Not too long after, I displayed a _____ at school. I then became shunned as the "crazy fainting girl". Since I went to a small K-8 elementary school, word spread fast and I was teased, ridiculed, and isolated. I was muted and silenced- verbally oppressed, I call it. I turned against my classmates, because I felt them turn against me. I ended up spending many hours doing things by myself- reading, writing, drawing, and, a few months after that first _____, learning to play the piano. Everything in my elementary/middle school years felt like a haze, a blur of humiliating memories I would like to hide forever. Even the plays I starred in, and the fine arts award at my 8th grade graduation felt meaningless because no one my age was there to celebrate honestly. I couldn't wait for high school because no one would know me; no one would know my problem or prejudge me based on it. It was a beacon of hope.

The first thing I did during a break period in high school was something I would never have done before- I just sat down in front of someone who was alone and began to introduce myself. This was new, this was exhilarating. Clinging onto the belief that no one here knew anything that happened in my old school was what kept me happy for a while. I didn't realize that this belief was just an excuse to hide from my condition. Then in my junior year, I partnered up with a friend to win 2nd place in the music category of my school talent show. In my freshman and sophomore years when I tried to enter the talent show by myself, I was never successful. Hiding behind the curtain while the judges announced the winners of the category after music, I wondered why things worked when I was with another person. Was it because of my friend? Was it because I wasn't trying to win for once? Was it because I was going with the flow and not fighting a useless current? I noticed that this achievement had authenticity at its core. If I made something up solely for the purpose of winning, it would not work. If I made it based off of pure thoughts and feelings, I would succeed. Non-selfish ideas work out best, and thus much last longer.

That first _____ changed the course of my life. It made me want to hide from everyone, to hide from myself, and to dislike myself. So why did I suddenly open up in high school? I figured it must have been because I was tired of hiding and running. Hide-and-seek with e***** was getting tiring. So I faced it with activities that the old me would never do. In fact, I still do that everywhere- at the skating rink, in summer camps, at conventions. I became the seeker. "

NYU Short answers:
Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you
Don't you feel like you're falling; from the sky to the ground
No one hears your calling; It's shallow yet profound
Rather than downwards; I want to ascend high
Feeling the glory; Of my full-length wings
I want to fly; straight into the sky
Nobody's gonna stop me; I won't let them try
Tears streaming down; won't lower my ground
Cause I want to rise and fly
In the year 2050, a movie is being made about your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line.

"Hide and Seek" - Disease. Loneliness. Triumph. The world [my real name] lives in as she tries to face down her epilepsy is these things and more. Watch as this young lady falls from grace as she attempts to hide her problems with epilepsy, but grows to fight back and be cured.

Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

My parents weren't very adequate in English when I was in elementary school. So, when I was little, every weekend they would take me to the library in hopes of improving both their English and mine at the same time. Once I was old enough to understand what books I was actually checking out, I began writing. If I turn to the right and look at my bookshelf right now, I have two shelves full of scrap paper stapled, taped, or glued together. They aren't actually scrap paper though- they are paper picture books that I've handwritten or drawn in my free time in third through seventh grades. If I turn to the left, I have a closet. Inside that closet, there is a shoebox full of notebooks. These, however, happen to be diaries, journals, and travelogues that I've kept since fifth grade. If I opened the another USB drive I have linked to my key lanyard, I would find three folders full of short stories, novellas, and poems I've written since eighth grade. These all happen to be samples of writing I've sketched up in my spare time. My favorite classes were always English in middle school, and I loved writing for the newspaper in high school. I even got poems published in a couple anthologies. If I look back in my old kindergarten worksheets with topics such as "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I realized they should all have been an author. I even remember saying that one day in fourth grade. My lifelong interest in writing and creating is something that I hope I can continue on in secondary education and further.

Thank you! Any assistance would be appreciated, especially regarding grammar, diction, flow, etc. etc.

Undergraduate / I am different, risk-taker, seeker. Boston U Supp- 3 words that describe you. [5]

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select 3 words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

On the first day of kindergarten, I knew there was something that separated me from the rest of my classmates: I spoke no English. In fifth grade, I had a seizure in front of everyone in the class; the gap between my classmates and I expanded. In high school, I was the only student in my home room that came from a private middle school.

These differences, and more, separated me from everyone else. I was strange, different, an oddball. In elementary/middle school, I was the outsider. Back then, I was ashamed of these differences. I wanted to fit in with everyone, desperate to be the same as everyone else so they would accept me. I frequently tried to pretend to be someone else. However, it didn't make me feel right. Like Susan "Stargirl" Caraway from Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli, I strive for individuality, for uniqueness; to be someone that's not the same. Rather than hiding my differences, I show it off, wear it proudly. I wear long skirts instead of skinny jeans, I bike instead of take the bus, and I bring homemade lunches instead of eating in the cafeteria. I no longer fear being the only one standing up in a sea of sitting people.

I get a guilty kick in the stomach when people are afraid of doing something outside the norm. Because of my past experiences, one of the things I vow never to do is exclude others. The first thing I did during a break in high school was sitting down in front of a solo someone and began introducing myself. The first thing I did during a public session at my skating school was begin talking to a lonely stranger in my class. The first thing I accomplished with the Japanese Animation Club when I was the new president was bring them with me to a convention. I now tend to do that a lot- take a necessary risk when the urge calls for it.

I used to hide a lot. In elementary school, I hid in the bathroom during lunch. I blamed many things for the epilepsy I was diagnosed with. Whenever I was faced with difficult things, I attempted to make something else the scapegoat. Like the game of hide-and-seek, I kept running and hiding, hoping never to be found. In the completely different environment of high school, however, I had no chance to do that. There were too many opportunities to not skip out on, so many clubs to join, so many new activities that were possible to grab. I did that- taking any advanced class I could get accepted into [?]

I am different. I am risk-taker. I am a seeker. Those things are what I feel are a necessity for students who want to make a change, who want to take a stab in the right direction.

but then... i sort of altered my NYU essay to read this: (does it sound better for the BU prompt?)
"Names have power."- Yűko Ichihara (xxxHolic)
Loveless is an anime (Japanese animation) originally written and drawn by Yun Kouga. While by no means it's my favorite, the thing it's most notable for, however, is its use of names. Three the names in that series happen to be names I can feel a connection towards.

Loveless: The owner of this name happens to be the troubled 12-year-old protagonist, Ritsuka Aoyagi. He's troubled because of the supposed death of his older brother. I'm troubled, in a sense, like that, too. When I was in elementary and middle school, I lacked acceptance and, well, "love" from my classmates; I had no support, no friends my age outside my family back then. Thus, when I entered high school, I took the best shot I could get to turn my life completely around. The first thing I did during a break period in high school was something I would never have done before- I just sat down in front of someone who was alone and began to introduce myself. I don't relate to this name because I'm "unloved", but because now I make sure no one is lacking in that.

Fearless: This is the battle name for Mimuro and Mei, the possibly strongest team after Zero and Beloved. Basically, it means they are not afraid when fighting, like me. I get a guilty kick in the stomach when people are afraid of doing something outside the norm. Because of my past experiences, one of the things I vow never to do is exclude others. The first thing I did during a break in high school was sitting down in front of a solo someone and began introducing myself. The first thing I did during a public session at my skating school was begin talking to a lonely stranger in my class. The first thing I accomplished with the Japanese Animation Club when I was the new president was bring them with me to a convention. I don't cower in a corner anymore.

Limitless: Most fans of Loveless create their own battle names for fun. I chose "Limitless", not because I'm not immortal, but because I believe that the things I enjoy have no end, no boundaries. I have three published poems, and continually accumulating novels, short stories, and scripts sitting in two shelves of my bookcase. The list of new creative works is ever-growing today. Someone once said, "Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon." To me, there is no end to the infinite list of opportunities and possibilities in my imagination.

Loveless. Fearless. Limitless. While those just happen to be names in the series, Loveless, they are also qualities that I relate to, that I can give to others.

which one is better? im kind of leaning towards the altered NYU essay now...