Undergraduate / The Shins, Organization, Canon, Sandals, Grades, Yoga -Letter to your future roommate [4]

hey everyone, this is my first draft of my essay. Word limit is 500. I'm at 492 now. Any comments and constructive criticisms are welcome. thanks!

"Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better."

Dear Roommate,

I couldn't think of any other way to be more honest with you, so I thought up a game. You have one minute to think of 10 items you love, off the top of your head. They do not need to be in a specific order of preference. Here's what made my list:

1. The Shins.
2. Organization.
3. My Canon Rebel Xs.
4. The tattered, dirt stained Earth Spirit sandals.
5. My grades.
6. Yoga.
7. Gelatin-, glycerin-, and glycerol-free candy.
8. My gold family ring.
9. National Geographic Magazine.
10. My Schwinn Cruiser.

Now think about what you included in your list. In my list, each item represents a small piece of me.
I love music. The Shins, in my opinion, are a witty and ridiculously catchy band. I don't blast my music, but you might hear a few notes from "Turn on Me" wafting from my iHome every now and then.

As for organization, I am somewhat of a compulsive cleaner. Coming from a beach house filled with sand, clutter, and pets, I know I can live in any kind of environment. You will soon become familiar with my organizational habits-my random desktop straightenings and closet system. Luckily, you won't be subjected to my 11p.m. vacuum sessions.

My camera is my third eye. I love focusing my lens on the intricate details and textures that the naked eye seldom sees. You will often see my faithful Canon Rebel peeping out from my backpack. I strive to capture the essence of any given moment on my trusty camera.

My tattered, red-dirt stained sandals will probably never see the inside of a trashcan-I'm quite attached to them. They shielded my feet as I navigated the thorny paths of high school. *

Grades. These matter a lot to me. In high school, they were my version of competitive sports (although I did run cross-country and track to keep in shape and have some fun).

Yoga classes and gelatin-free candy-especially my favorite red-licorice hearts from Down to Earth-are the only two things I've ever had a serious addiction to. Not a bad addiction, if I do say so myself.

As you'll notice right away, I'm a jewelry minimalist, my only accessories being my three earrings (because I ran out of Icing's before they could pierce a fourth hole) and my gold family ring (passed down to me from my great grandfather).

I'm leaving behind a mountain of National Geographic's. However, I have plans to renew my subscription once I'm settled here. They are my window to the world, at least until I can see it in person.

My good old Schwinn has been my main mode of transportation since I was in the sixth grade. We have a love/hate relationship. I love racing down the two-mile bike-path. I don't love the resulting scar tissue of my many wipeouts.

Now it's your turn.

See you soon,
[my name]

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: the Brew Bar [2]

Hey everyone, I'm working on my early decision Stanford essays and was wondering if this one would fit better under "Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development," or "What matters to you, and why?"

This is the idea and I want to expand on it and connect it better to the prompts. Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated! :)

Last November, my family launched the Brew Bar, a Hawaiian coffee and chocolate booth at the Haleiwa Farmer's Market on O'ahu. We hoped to put the proceeds from the Brew Bar toward my sister's and my college fund. Since I am pining for Stanford, I saw this as an excellent way to show those Stanford admission folks that I mean business (pun intended). Over the last eight months, my sister and I received a whirlwind business education, found a community that made us feel at home, and learned the magnificent art of selling, buying, and promoting Waialua Estates' Hawaiian coffee and chocolate. Prior to founding the Brew Bar, I wouldn't have thought a subject as vague as "Business" could even hold my attention, let alone inspire and intrigue me. To my surprise, business drew me right in; I became the cofounder, manager, cashier, and business development coordinator at the Brew Bar. As the weeks flew by, I was happy to discover I had a knack for pinpointing potential sales, predicting customer preferences, and sealing deals simply by looking at someone. I also learned the importance of buying and selling local products. Each Sunday, I meet amazing people-locals, tourists, marathon runners, vendors, international adventurers, musicians, college students and professors-who stop to buy, learn about our products, and hear our story. The market and its visitors have helped me on my journey to receiving a higher education, (paying for it), building a community, and getting a fun, home-grown business education.

Undergraduate / 'Cellular Motility and Sleep Muttering' - Stanford Roommate essay [3]

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

Dear Roommate,
I've been sitting here, deleting awkward sentences for over an hour. I'd nearly given up on thinking of relevant experiences I'd had with roommates, when my mom bounded in with an old Camp Newman application. One part of the form was a compatibility questionnaire designed to get to know the camper. As I scanned that section, one question stood out, "Does _____ talk while asleep? If yes, please explain." In my careful sixth grade penmanship, I'd answered, "No. (Maybe mutters...Not really)." Reading this made me laugh. I had been an eleven-year-old in denial. Now, at seventeen, I accept my "sleep muttering." Evidently, I ramble passionately about cellular motility (Oh, AP Bio!). I've also been known to insist that I am studying even as I roll over, fast asleep. (Wouldn't that be something, though? Sleep studying would be a fantastic time-saver.)

Fear not, future roommate: you won't have to snicker through too much of my sleep muttering; when I'm awake, you can (fake) laugh at my notoriously tasteless vegetarian jokes (Why did the tofu cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken!). If you're not chicken, maybe you'll run with me sometimes. We won't break any speed records with my three-mile/thirty minutes pace, but we can explore the campus and get a work out. Also, if your plans allow, come home with me to O'ahu's North Shore for winter break: we'll watch huge waves crash on the beach, sneak up the Stairway to Heaven (360-degree views of O'ahu), and visit The Brew Bar, my family's coffee booth at the Haleiwa Farmers Market.

Good times await us!
Aloha,
Emily

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated! I'm trying to submit my app soon, so I'm tweaking these essays like craaazy. This is already at the max word count/character count, so, if anything, I would need to take things out or substitute things in. Thanks for helping!

Undergraduate / 'The Wit of Writers' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Supplement [3]

Hi everyone, I'm trying to submit my ED Stanford app, so I'd really appreciate any advice you might have on these essays. (Some of the others are on essayforum, too.)

Basically, I'm right at the 1600 character limit and also the 250 word minimum. Yikes! Can you tell me if this essay gives a sense of me and if it's intellectually vital enough? Thanks so much!

Stanford students possess intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

This rhetorical précis on Graduation (Angelou) is particularly feisty; I'm halfway through a sentence that's already three-quarters of a page long. A punctuation epiphany strikes, and I'm wrestling six or seven semicolons into their respective places, when my minimized Facebook chat chimes. My fabulous plan for the placement of semicolon number eight escapes me. Blast! Frustrated, but intrigued, I open Facebook to yet another question from a classmate struggling through the same rhetorical précis.

My friends call me the Mighty Detangler. If only they knew what joy a well crafted, grammatically correct sentence brings me (I get all warm and fuzzy inside)! My hungry brain finds some of its fulfillment in extracting good ideas from the snarled ruins of dangling modifiers, mismatched pronouns, subject-verb disagreement, and TOO FEW COMMAS.

Why is it that grammar strikes such a chord in me? I remember my parents' pride (just oh-so-proud) when I first grasped the irony in Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes. This was a watershed moment for me: I finally began to see that the wit of writers often lies in well-placed parentheses, crafty commas, and winking semicolons. (I mean, really, can you imagine e.e. cummings without commas, Shakespeare without syntax, or Dickinson without the dashes?) Maybe I'm on my way to becoming a wordsmith. (If only I were better at the subjunctive mood, that sly trickster!)

As I proofread what I've typed, I see no green squiggly lines anywhere-except under "cummings." (Ignore.) It looks as though I've passed Microsoft Word's grammar check. Sweet relief!

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore? Finding a niche. [4]

Hi guys, I'm sending this out in a little bit so any last minute feedback would be greatly appreciated! The prompt is simply, "Why Swarthmore?"

When I picture myself at Swarthmore, I see discovery, inspiration, laughing, a lot of snow (the girl from Hawaii is optimistic...), and finding my niche. The community is supportive and encouraging to students, and I value that acknowledgement. Swarthmore celebrates knowledge (my desire for world class academics would definitely be satisfied here), sparks a burning for learning, provides flexibility with structure, and attracts some seriously cool people from around the world. I want to see for myself the open spaces, particularly Crum Henge, Parrish Beach and the Amphitheater. In the school itself, I love how the dorms are structured, and the RA program looks like a blast. (Think Hawaii-style: slippers, surfboards, and board shorts would make a memorable theme!) Not only did the website (and the powers of Youtube and Cappex) show me how it would be to live in a dorm or study in a library, it also proved, once again, how much I want to be around the people at Swarthmore. After countless visits and virtual tours of campuses across the nation, I am buoyed by how friendly and open-minded students at Swarthmore appear; the Swarthmore Unscripted clips gave me an honest feel for the genuine happiness and passion that seems to imbue life there.

Intellectual vibes pulse from Swarthmore. In fact, my eyebrows were raised when I checked out the Science Center (via the virtual tour) and saw the sheer number of biology courses and lectures offered. (Neurobiology! Genetics! Plant Biology! Oh My!) The Tri-College Consortium arrangement offered at Swarthmore piqued my interest, too; I like the idea of cross registering at Haverford or Bryn Mawr for an even broader variety of classes and the chance to meet new people. A solid grounding in the liberal arts (with the flexibility of an interdisciplinary approach) sets a foundation for any of my preferred fields of study (Biology? International Politics? Espanol?). The future is wide open. Swarthmore is...my portal.