Undergraduate / "I felt betrayed" Common Application Essay: personal/local concern and its importance [3]

Not really sure what the guidelines are, but unless you are in high school or are a freshman in college, you should try and refrain from personal narratives. Instead, write in third person and put more energy into explaining the issue on a national or international level.

Undergraduate / Education: What don't you know? Brown supplement [5]

Zak,

I really...really...recommend that you rewrite your first paragraph. You are trying too hard...and while I think you are intelligent, it comes off as pseudo intelligent. If you continue to elaborate on the following paragraphs, I think you'll produce a great admissions essay. You want to be personal and unique...and you have accomplished that once the reader gets past the irony of the opening paragraph. If all you know is what you know...how much energy and time can you spend wondering about what you don't know?...do you see the humor in what you wrote? Not trying to be too harsh and I wish you the best.

Undergraduate / "Google has been one of my closest friends" - Best piece of advice (Brown) [16]

Zack,

In having read both of your recent posts, it's obvious that you are creative and intelligent person...just a little unrefined. However, both of the possible admission essay selections that I have read don't do you much justice. In this essay, you are touting the powers of Google, which is ironic, because once enrolled in Brown, you'll be instructed to scrap the search engine and start using academic search databases, such as JSTOR, Project Muse, etc.. I also encourage you to simplify your writing style, which will increase your writing voice's authenticity. Don't try to impress Brown by using an advanced vocabulary, because that's not going to mean much in the selection process, especially if it detracts from the meaningfulness of your essay. You want to be personal and you want to promote qualities about yourself that reflect Brown's values. Maybe go to Brown's site and look at its mission statement. Maybe connect these values with your small-town upbringing or write about how you plan to use your education at Brown as a stepping stone for accomplishing something in your community. Again, best of luck!

Braiden O'Brien

Scholarship / "I am very close with my family" - Scholarship Essay [3]

Britney,

I like this essay...though there are some basic grammatical errors you need to address. For one, it's straight forward and no B.S. It gives an honest glimpse into who you are and shows that you have a good work ethic, are active in your school, and possess good character...would not hurt to elaborate on some of the ways that you have volunteered in your local community. As far as content goes, it might be worth expanding on why you want to pursue nursing...maybe explain how you want to explore advanced preventive care techniques that could help prevent the number of patients suffering from preventable conditions. Also, unless you are dead set on possibly being a teller at a successful bank, it might be worth omitting. Wish you the best! -B

Undergraduate / Would "Escape" from an undesirable suburb be an appropriate essay topic? [6]

I think you are way off...the essay prompt is more about writing about a raw and real experience, but you are working on a metaphoric and poetic interpretation of what you experienced. Case in point, you should not have to write an explanation that is equal in length to what your essay will cover.

Advice:

Keep it simple, honest, and stay on topic.

Maybe you should analyze yourself and how your views of your peers may have limited your own personal growth. Sure, they may have looked all the same, or maybe you are more talented or have more experience, but walling yourself off from your peers ends up stunting your own experiences and limits your growth.

Undergraduate / "until an upperclassmen..." - Tulane Optional [3]

I think you should personalize it more by elaborating on how your personal experiences/ outlook reflect the core values of the school...open up and share your past experiences. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "Walking the Dog" - Yale/Harvard Supplement [6]

I think as an essay it's pretty good. However, it's important to ask the question, what is this essay telling them that they don't already know?

So far, it's clear that your Grandpa was a hard worker and obviously loved his dogs. Essentially, you are writing about how you are the only one in your family, who can wake up early and consistently walk the dogs (three weeks of it), and your somewhat memorializing your grandpa by doing what he did. Again, this is a great essay, but I would encourage you to maybe change gears and share something that might be more appropriate...maybe convey something about yourself that reflects the school mission statement, commitment to diversity, etc. Just my thoughts. BOL!!!

Undergraduate / A Series of Fortunate Events (sudden exposure / The telescope) - Common App [6]

Not bad. I think you should scale back some of the more poetic, abstract parts...particularly right at the beginning. Sure, they may accurately convey how you are feeling at the moment, but they also run the risk of creating points of contradiction, as well as leave the reader asking the question, "and so what?" The so what, could be answered in a number of different ways, especially if you don't give more direction. For example, as an individual we are each small and unimportant, so does that mean that you are not going to ambitious, willing to take risks and try to make a difference, etc.? I am sure you see where I am getting at. As a reflection of how we all feel at times, during a moment, it's great...but for an admission essay, it might not be putting your best foot forward. BOL!!!!

Undergraduate / Would "Escape" from an undesirable suburb be an appropriate essay topic? [6]

What are the positives that you can take away from your experience? I am willing to bet that you learned quite a bit about life. For example, experiencing something unpleasant is short term, and that pushing through and trying out best allows us to control our own destinies...staying positive is key. Something to that nature maybe...I think you should keep writing about this experience and maybe share about your struggles and what you were able to take away and apply for future experiences. BOL!

Scholarship / "Do good and make the world a better place"-Scholarship Essay [3]

I think it would be great to specifically identify a growing issue particular to the niche of psychology that you are interested in. My brother graduated with his doctorate is psychology and all his energy and focus is concentrated on troubled juveniles living in Detroit. He'll talk your ear off and tell you how many kids he helps and how many still fall through the cracks. He maintains that he is helping the far off future, in which helping even a few kids helps to alter the cyclic nature of poverty, violence, etc. BOL!! Great field to go into. Also, I really encourage you to look ahead and see whether you'll be able to practice in multiple states. My brother went to Washington State University, and surprisingly, the state of Washington has a simpler set of credentials that are somewhat limiting.

Undergraduate / "Living the everyday" - Common app essay [12]

YOWZA...this essay needs to be stripped of all the large vocabulary that creates an abstract effect. Content-wise, there are some serious contradictions, which might sound smart, but if you stop and really consider what's being said, it creates an opposite effect.

For example,
I search through the abyss that makes up my mind. I am always wondering why the unexpected is the imaginary. The silence of wonder is broken when I speak. Speaking allows me to grasp the possible as well as help me better explain the impossible, so that I can make both a reality.

Abyss...often refers to something infinite or deep, but deep in a physical context, such as a cave. I am leaning that you mean your mind is infinite, which is partly true. We are all controlled and influenced by our experiences and environment. Next, you ponder why the unexpected is never seen coming. If something is unexpected, then you can't see it coming. As humans, we all face limitations and are all unable to control many aspects of our environment. So far, you are telling the reader that you spend lengthy periods of time trying to figure out something that can't be figured out. This occurs repeatedly throughout the essay, when the heart and most important aspect of your essay can be summed up in a few words.

Your student body never did anything until you decided to take action. It's great and I commend you for taking charge!

But taking this into context with all the poetic and abstract stuff, it reminds me a lot of how John Dunn was hired by wealthy aristocrats to write great poems about how great so and so was. Then, he would go all out and come up with these insane comparisons, which essentially made fun of the wealthy. You obviously are not trying to make light of yourself. I would just try and keep things simpler. Because you are sharing you, write like you talk. I commend you for showing ambition and I hope it takes you far in life!!!!!!1

Undergraduate / I want to be raised by Dinosaurs-Brandeis essay-Feedback [3]

hmmmm...because the essay's 250 word cap is really limiting, it's probably best that all 250 words are directed towards your selection, and not defining the others. This also means eliminating, "However, the question still remains as to why I chose to be raised by dinosaurs as opposed to aliens or robots."

BOL...interesting prompt and response.

Undergraduate / "I'm not a type of guy" - Common application [6]

Well, so much of the essay was built around you being different, special, or possessing abilities, but you never define what it is...moreover, special relationships with your teachers is kind of a creepy phrase, especially because we never learn about your gift. I am left with more questions than answers...maybe others will see it differently.

Writing Feedback / CRIME RATES are increasing due to uneducated people migrating to the cities [3]

If you are suppose to write an introductory research paper, you should support claims with research. One could easily assert that the reason there is more crime in the city, is because there are more people living in the city. Others would counter argue that many violent crimes have actually decreased in large cities in the last decade...which numerous criminology research articles have shown. Moreover, it is also interesting that the rates of teenage pregnancy have also dropped among teens in many urban settings. If all these claims are true, then the argument for morality causing these trends would be falsely based, in which the recent decrease in crime and rise in immorality would logically suggest something else. Anyhow, without solidified statistics, your claims are unfounded and are nothing more than opinions. Do some research, cite some statistics, and re-post your essay.

Book Reports / INTO THE WILD - connect with Emerson's quote [4]

I have not read into the wild, but of it's anything related to the title, it should not be too difficult. Emerson is basically arguing that it is easier live within the norm of society, reflecting and accepting the ideal, while it's just as easy to be cutting edge, unique, etc., when you don't have to put yourself out in the open. Great men are able to retain their individuality amongst fellow men.

Connecting this concept to the novel, I suspect that most people succumb to the wild and end up losing themselves. It would be quite the achievement to survive in the wild and maintain one's self.

Best of luck, without reading the novel, I have no idea if this works.

Faq, Help / Turnitin website - originality report [15]

Turnitin.com is perfect for introductory classes that rely heavily on self-interpretation. However, when writing literature reviews and other research reports that involve an extensive amount of research, it fails. Most professors recognize it's limitations. I have a sneaks suspicion that people probably pull off work that's been posted on here and pass it off as their own. Might not be bad to open this site up to turnit.com and other plagiarism check sites...after all, this site simply tries to give feedback.

Undergraduate / "NCAA Basketball champions" - Why are you a good match for duke? [4]

I always recommend that students read a prospective school's mission statement and then try and tailor their letters in way that reflects their individuality, but also touches on these values.

Essays / Essay - Thesis problem. I'm unable to write thesis for topics like these topics. [3]

it's pretty easy...just fill in the second half of these sentences with what you will argue. For example, Good deeds speak louder than thousand nice words because ____________________. It really is that easy and I bet that's all you would need for an essay prompt addressing these themes...thinking you're in a lower-level course.