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Posts by Ender
Joined: Dec 23, 2010		 Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 17  

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Ender   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "a career in medicine, specializing in neurosurgery" - University of Chicago [3]

UofC is better than UoC (it's more commonly referred to as UofC)

I knew the moment I made my choice, that, the only institutions capable of providing me with the facilities and the knowledge base, I needed in order to accomplish my task were the Ivy League universities.

Don't make this kind of statement. It makes you look narrow-minded - there are undoubtedly many non ivy institutions capable of providing you with a great education...

The last paragraph is a bit cliche, especially the last 2 lines (too melodramatic)

All in all, the road I face is difficult, composed of various twists and turns, with hardship lurking behind each and every blind turn waiting to catch me unawares and drag me down to misery. The only guiding light I have is UoC with it's outstanding facilities enabling any lost soul to reach his destination.

It's a good essay but I feel there are too many sweeping statements that could apply to many universities, and perhaps too bland. Perhaps add a more personal touch?
Ender   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "Russia: The coldness, polar bears, vodka, and Lenin or Stalin" - diversity [7]

Growing up in the city where half of population is Muslim but you can't say it by the way they look, where churches stand near mosques but people are still like one, gave me a lot of tolerance, wisdom, and understanding, broadened my horizons and made me very open-minded person.

I think this sentence should be fixed for coherency. perhaps break it down into smaller sentences..

Maybe something like this:
Growing up in the city where half of population is Muslim, churches stand near mosques but people are still like one. It gave me a lot of tolerance, wisdom, and understanding, broadened my horizons and made me very open-minded person.

Nice essay!
Ender   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "even if we end up on opposite sides..." - Dear Future Roommate--for Stanford [4]

My friends would also say that I'm very random and known to make weird noises, which make them wonder why they ever became friends with me.

I love to watch movies and shop, especially with friends!

(also you say close friends at the start of the essay as well as the end of the essay so it's redundant)

You could cut these out...

and expand on this:

People also say that the way I act inside and outside of the classroom is so different that they cannot relate the two, the quiet girl and the loud girl. Another thing I am known for is my refusal to give up on certain things, which can be a strength and weakness.

Ender   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Teaching Primary Children English - extracurricular activity (150 words!) [8]

I ask him basic questions. Peter remains silent. I read him a story. He fidgets worriedly. I draw some pictures for him. He scribbles. This continues for a few weeks. Then one day, Peter starts pointing excitedly at my friend's soccer shirt. It turns out he has a passion for soccer, so we take him outside to play some ball. In those few enthusiastic minutes of playing time he warms up to us and starts to speak. When we return to class he's noticeably more involved.

Classes were big but we split into small groups as there was an emphasis on building a personal connection with each student. Every child was different and so each one required a different approach. Getting to know the students and helping them gain confidence in their communication skills - like I experienced with Peter - was my favorite part of the activity.

------

Grammar + help on writing a better concluding line, thanks!
Ender   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Yonatan Netanyahu - never heard of him" - Give advice to a leader [3]

I began my research. I discovered that he was a commander in the Israeli military.

The librarian also suggested that I rent a movie that featured him called "Raid on Entebbe", or italics.

I had no idea what a huge effect [...] valedictory address at the end of the year.
Perhaps be more specific, to be more personal... e.g. why did it move you to tears?

The peak of his career personally dont think its appropriate to describe it as the peak of his career because your next sentence is about his death there was the Raid on Entebbe, a mission to rescue ...

My enthrallment turned to horror when I saw the bullet ...

I feel uncomfortable offering any kind of advice to Yoni, because ...

I think this has good ideas, but ultimately could be improved by adding a more personal touch to some areas.
I would expand the last paragraph more, because the 2nd half of the question asks if you were his adviser etc. and not enough is written about that.

Your first paragraph about letters does not tie in to your conclusion about war so why mention it? It has to have a purpose, so perhaps cut down on descriptions about Yoni but more about yourself.

Also, work on the last paragraph, although you can end that way you still need to address the prompt:
How would you advise this person and why?
Ender   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Conversing with my AP Biology teacher" - Northwestern Common App [9]

Good idea/structure but some parts could be improved:

You can keep the first section but just shorten it, and expand the 2nd paragraph. More examples of your Bio/science interest, and how you would build upon this interest with the unique qualities of Northwestern. Perhaps more SPECIFIC details about your visit there, it's not as good to refer to googling NorthWestern afterward in comparison to describing what you experienced in a real visit.

Also, ISP is an integrated science program yet you mainly still refer to Biology, so it's not that clear why it's a good fit. Why do you like a blend of science/mathematics?

btw, latest celebrity gossip on People.com is biology related?

Work on detail and specifics,

good luck!
Ender   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / I'm playing golf..typical? your extra curricular [11]

well there are not explicit grammar mistakes but the sudden tense changes should be fixed. It jumps from past to present to past then present. Need some consistency in the first 100 words.
Ender   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Only sixty more meters! Come on guys!" - Commonapp-ECA <150words [5]

^It's a 150 word essay

he Duke of Edinburgh expedition was the toughest challenge I had ever been through both physically and mentally.

I would stay away from claims like these, personally, as this type of essay topic is a bit cliche, so don't be so melodramatic, I personally don't see the need to describe every detail. Instead, have some personal details/specifics which will make the essay stand out. Anything specifically special/positive which you did? It seems like an essay that's cut short. A lot of detail describing the challenge but not much about what you liked/learned from it.

(no need to read my essays btw, as I've changed mine)
Ender   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Teaching Primary Children English - extracurricular activity (150 words!) [8]

I don't think its required to state "exactly" what you did especially in 150 words. It's shown in my Extracurricular list after all. But, I understand what you mean and I'll try and add a bit more detail to the 2nd paragraph!

Mainly interested in how an essay like this should end though. How would I make it a more powerful ending?
Ender   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "I knew that I belonged" - Why Brown? [10]

The campus, unique in its Providence surroundings, was charming and pretty, the tour guides were intelligent and funny, the information session, revealing.

Structure is a off in this sentence. Each section (campus, tour guides, information session) is phrased differently

The campus, unique in its Providence surroundings, was.. <- use of commas
The tour guides were intelligent and funny <- no comma
the information session, revealing <- comma but no 'was' or 'were' like the previous sentence.

is something only true scholars desire.

personally don't think its a good idea to write something like this.

Best of all, the unique educational experience that Brown offers is its most appealing aspect

"But to me", is a better way to start.

Try and make it more personal. They know about their educational program. But why is it special to you?
Ender   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Serving others and Tap Dance" - nation's service Princeton [5]

Sage, of course, continually needed more time

I discovered her astonishing pessimism

Although it's good to show your change in perspective, the above quotes have a tone that is perhaps too condescending.
Ender   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Favorite Something (Bach) -- UChicago Optional [4]

Describe some of your favorite things:

I remember being shocked when I picked up 1421. 'The Chinese had circumnavigated the globe a century before Magellan, seventy years before Columbus and Australia three hundred and fifty years before Cook". Although the logs and records of this great Chinese maritime expedition were obliterated in 1421, Gavin Menzies still manages take the reader on an epic journey across the world. Many doubts and counter-claims have arisen over his hypothesis, all of which are legitimate concerns, but the book is still a joy to read not only because of its attention to detail but also because of the energy and passion he devotes into his historical narrative.

I never paid much attention to Prelude in C Major by Bach. However, after doing my IB extended essay on statistical patterns in classical music, I began to appreciate Bach much more, whose pieces are often described as 'precision in mathematics'. Did you know that even after periodic removal of 31/32 of its notes (leaving 12 notes!), Prelude in C Major by Bach still keeps its general structure? On the other hand, I love Curtis Mayfield's Don't Worry because of its wild yet skillfully orchestrated blend of guitar, strings, drums and bass.

--

Tighten up writing, and improve grammar please :) Thanks!
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