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Posts by Hannover96
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 17  
From: US

Displayed posts: 21
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Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / There's no place like homelessness--Yale Supplement [29]

I question "To someone who doesn't know me, they would assume quite the opposite about my values. I frequently come into school with new, name brand items but they are from the thrift store. I take pride in recycling clothes and knowing that I'm doing my part to reduce waste on this earth."

I was really convinced of this organic, almost zen-like image of you. It was great! But then you mention you brand name clothing (even if it is recycled) ...and how other people would assume you're the opposite of what you are...and suddenly I snapped out of the trance. So I might suggest you remove those three sentences, or at least omit the first two.

Other than that? Brilliant. Enjoyed it quite a bit. Well done.
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Medicine, Center of Culture, George Carlin" NYU + "Heart to Heart" Commonapp [4]

Holy smokes. Unfortunetely we're in competition, applying for the same school, but your essays are sort of brilliant. Just one change. "He expressed not only his views of language and free-expression"

Congratulations on being scientific and articulate. Dang it.
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements; Zenith + Escape Little Town + Eugene Ionesco [8]

1. Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest. (500 characters)

NYU is in essence a zenith of all I love and appreciate in the world- it's superior in my interests of study and a pinnacle of a diverse, psychologically inspiring university. As a multifaceted student, my intended areas of study are International Relations, Law, and English. As a NYU student I hope to combine all three. As captain and lead attorney for my school's Mock Trial team I've learned to respect the power of diplomacy and words and will continue to use these skills in my NYU experience.

2. NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross cultural relationships at NYU and beyond? (500 characters)

Coming from a small, coastal town in California, I know the benefits of an intimate neighborhood. But being raised in a relatively homogenous community has also fostered a powerful need within me- to be a part of a global community, one that will encourage immense growth for both my mind and soul. I know I'll thrive with the world at my fingertips. NYU is my first choice in higher education because, in my opinion, it's the best example of a school devoted to diversity and progress in existence.

3. If you had the opportunity to bring any person - past or present, fictional or nonfictional - to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc) who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person. (500 characters)

I performed as a lead in a play of his as a junior, and I've remained in love ever since- absurd dramatist Eugene Ionesco would be my dream date for a trip to Eastern Germany. Nearby Hannover there lies a blueberry farm, abundant with humming bees and fertile branches of "blaubeere" bushes. In my visits to Germany I found the farm to be a source of peace in its subtle beauty. I imagine that walking beside Eugene, listening to his contemplation of a simple blueberry, would be hugely enlightening.
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements; Zenith + Escape Little Town + Eugene Ionesco [8]

That was exactly what I was thinking when I wrote them! I used a wider vocabulary to allude to my interest in English, but in all honesty I think they sound pompous too. Thank you so much for your reply, and I'll take a look at your essays in return :)
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Learning to relax is a challenge" - Arts and Sciences, University of Virginia [4]

Wow, spot on attack of the prompt. There are few casual phrases used, but I think the level of articulation in other places compensates for that. Only suggestion, "If reaching perfection causes one to lose all self control than is that really perfection?" Than should probably be then. Otherwise, a brilliant essay.
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU SUPPLEMENT--BUSINESSWOMAN, GLOBAL CITIZEN, MY GRANDFATHER [6]

I like your style of writing, it's clear and basic. Watch out for spelling errors, and capitalization rules. (I is always capitalized, "oeverall" is overall, "haemorrahage" is hemorrhage) I know you know these things, but they slip by so easily!

1. Instead of "I knew then that the businesswoman in me is an intrinsic quality." Try, "I know that the businesswoman in me is an intrinsic quality." It's otherwise unclear at what point you realized this.

2. The first sentence is awkward. "I was born in China, raised in Singapore, and now hope to study in New York City." NYU Stern is exactly what you NEED, not needed. However, I don't think it is the only college that plans and funds overseas trips for all students. Actually, quite a few schools do that...Captilize your I's!!

3. This was sensitive topic for you, I can tell. I'd phrase the third-last sentence something more along the lines of the following; "All I have left of him are vague memories, but I want to see him again. I want to show him that our family are healthy, and that I am grown up now, with big dreams and incredible abilities. I want to tell him that there is nothing for him to worry about, and that he may rest in peace." Or something like that. Just to focus on yourself.

I'm very tired, sorry these responses are so vague!! But I wanted to help, and I wish you good luck!
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / To provide a short statement explaining any special circumstances - question [3]

This is an optional section. It's an opportunity for you to share any hardships or obstacles you might have faced during your high school career or in life.

Ex: Your brother died in a motorcycle accident, but you learned to appreciate life and strive to work harder in you schoolwork and activites.
Ex: Your grandmother has cancer, and because of this, during 10th grade it was difficult for you to concentrate on your grades. But she has recovered, and now you're a straight A student!

Ex: You're handicapped, which has challenged you socially and mentally.

Something like that. If you don't have any special circumstances or anything like that, leave the portion blank.
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Short Answer - James Joyce, Jambalaya and Passion [5]

1. So are you pursuing English or Pyschology? I'm confused and I think NYU might be as well...And then you haphazardly mention that you "used" to be pyschotic, which isn't exactly an endorsement! Haha. Pick one, or explain that you're pursuing both. Tone down the wordiness in your English portion. Talk about extra curriculars. I'm applying to NYU as well, and it's hard with the 500 character limit, but do your best to be clear!!

2. The second paragraph is similarly confusing. I appreciate the need for diversification. But each sentence seems relatively unconnected to the other. Work towards transitions and specifics. If you want to be a writer, comprehensive answers are kinda sorta vital.

3. Again, relatively cluttered. You have all these wonderful ideas, and they're all well written, but there's little cohesion!! Tone it down a notch, take away some of the superfluous words, and try again. You'll get it, I have faith. I'll post a response I got for my NYU essays that really helped me!!
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / BU Supp: Leaps and Bounds - spectacular progress or growth in a big way. [6]

Given what you know about Boston University, what do you hope to accomplish as an undergraduate here? Please respond in an essay of no more than 500 words.

By definition, if one does something in leaps and bounds, they are prone to making spectacular progress or growth in a big way. All my life, I've made leaps, and I've made bounds. It's a habit of mine to go big on everything, to absorb lessons like a sponge, to aim at success, and to engage myself completely in programs that will further my growth. I'm bounding towards becoming a Boston University student. As an undergraduate, I can guarantee that I will always contribute to the university in a positive, intelligent way - with the intent of becoming the experienced, worldly, and knowledgeable person I've always wanted to become.

As a multifaceted individual, my interests lie in the studies of International Relations, Law, and English. I was ecstatic when I found that BU offers various means of combining all three subjects through its curriculum - the fact that CAS is home to an entire International Relations department, one that is far beyond other schools in breadth, (actually, its mere existence is far beyond other schools), is more than I could have ever imagined. I've always been fascinated by international systems and the way in which humanity functions - and as an undergraduate at Boston University, I'll certainly be taking advantage of courses in diplomatic practice and global justice. Becoming the student of an international lawyer or former ambassador, especially former U.N. diplomat Mr. Charles Dunbar, would be an honor for me. I can't wait to leap into the intensive coursework he'll be assigning!

As an undergraduate, I plan to use my strengths and interests in writing, critical thinking, performing arts, and the environment to better my experience as both a student and participant in the BU community. I would like to see my work published in the Writing Program's annual e-journal or "The Back Bay Review." In high school I've been an avid member of the Young Writer's club, and my work has already been published in the local newspaper. I am also eager to participate in a BU a cappella choir. (My favorite BU a cappella group are the Barbershop Sweethearts.) Perhaps most of all, I am hoping to become a member of the Corporate Social Responsibility Club - it's a big leap from the Green Club I started at my school, and as an undergraduate at BU I would love to support a healthy, vibrant environment for my classmates.

As an enthusiastic, creative, motivated, and conscientiousness student, I know that I will easily engage myself in the Boston University community and programs. I know that I have something substantial to contribute to Boston University, and I am fully prepared to engage my heart, mind, and soul in the BU vision and curriculum, just as I have in my hometown. Boston University offers me not only the chance to engage myself in an outstanding learning environment, but also the opportunity to employ the lessons and skills I've learned in my experiences to give back, in leaps and bounds, to the Boston community.
Hannover96   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Short Answer - James Joyce, Jambalaya and Passion [5]

I know it is hard with the 500 character limit to answer these questions, I too applied to NYU, but I feel as though all of your answers are kind of pompous and you tend to show off a lot. Instead of using those large words, NYU would rather you take up their 500 character limit describing you more than using beautiful language. If NYU was looking to see how well you can write they would look at your essay, which doesn't have a limit. But since they give you only so many characters to use, take advantage of that by writing about yourself rather than showing off your skills.
Hannover96   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Columbia: A Unique but Unusual Approach. Is it too Wierd? [14]

Extremely impressive essay. As I began reading it, I thought "Well gee, this Kruti Shah writes an awful lot like I do!" But then you started talking about dexterity and marinating and I think my head just about toppled off.

Don't listen to the people that tell you to not describe the city - you illustrated it beautifully, in an extremely lively way. I'm applying to NYC universities as well, and I was made even more interested by your essay.

Only small critiques, and a couple questions;

1. Perhaps refer to the "whispers" surrounding us , instead of you and you only. Makes it sound like this is a more common consensus - that the liberal arts education has died.

2. Please make some sort of reference to your intended area of study! Are you choosing Columbia to gain your teaching credential? Hell no! You want to be an international journalist, surgeon, philosopher, you name it. Tell them why you're choosing them in relation to your interests, aside from the excitement of the city and the unconventionality of their learning environment.

First question: What's the word limit?
Second question: You're obviously a brilliant writer, and an interesting thinker. Would you mind looking at one or two of my essays? I'd really appreciate it. And if you'd like any more input I'd be happy to share.
Hannover96   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Awareness is More Than a Can of Tuna: Pitzer Supplement [3]

Thank you so much for your time! I've felt a bit iffy on this one for a while. Not sure what to do. Any input would be greatly appreciated, and don't be afraid to be harsh!

1. Founded in 1963, Pitzer College was built upon four core values that re-imagine the purpose of a college education in a progressively changing world. These values are social responsibility, intercultural understanding, interdisciplinary learning, and student autonomy. Almost 50 years later, our students feel that our founding values help prepare them to address the issues of their time. How do you feel these values will help you find solutions to the evolving challenges of your generation? (Maximum of 4000 characters)

Currently 573 characters over.

Unfortunately, it seems that one of the most significant challenges facing my generation today is an all encompassing lack of awareness, and a surplus of single-mindedness. What my generation lacks in awareness concerning our influence on environmental and socio-economical issues, we compensate for in ever-growing "me, myself and I" philosophies. I think the solution to this sort of phenomenon walks hand-in-hand with a Pitzer education.

During my overnight stay at Pitzer, I took a course on the development of third-world countries. The professor alluded to the truth that my generation generally empathizes with the turmoil of foreign countries to a degree, but finds it difficult to understand beyond a superficial level, or even become sincerely involved. I appreciated his statement, because I realized that being socially responsible and having the capacity for intercultural understanding is something more than donating a check for twenty dollars to the Peace Corps, or a can of tuna to a local food drive. It means looking beyond yourself, and maintaining a sense of social awareness. It means being conscious of where you purchase your foods from, or where your clothes are made. It means participating in community programs that support communities on the other side of the word. It means acting upon your desire to help, not just actively thinking about it.

I've always taken great pride in my ability to take action, to contribute, and to do so in a genuine and imaginative way - and in doing so, I believe that at least within my own community, I am helping to solve the ever-changing challenges of my generation. I've invested a vast amount of time in employing the activities offered at my school and in my town to make sure that I engage myself and promote a healthy, driven student body, always to the best of my ability - including captaining the Mock Trial team, starting an environmental club (we're already in the works to get our cafeteria utensils to go green!), and perhaps most significantly, serving as president of the Interact Club at my high school.

As president of a community service club, I decided to organize an information booth and fundraiser for the battle against homicide in Darfur at my school. By the time the Darfur campaign was over, we made a pretty decent donation, and many of my peers gained some insight into the true nature of another country's plights. The campaign itself led to a slew of future benefit concerts, garage sales, book sales, and donation stands for other charities. During that time I discovered something wonderful; it isn't all that difficult to contribute to your community in some small way, every day. It isn't all that difficult to be considerate and kind and courteous - and I believe I am exactly that. My mission this year has been to try to spread that message of reactivity and understanding to my peers, and I'm already utilizing Pitzer's chief values to do so.

We need to institute a wide variety of programs within schools to better a student's access to intercultural information. I believe in strong multinational history and world economics classes, in which students may be completely immersed in the conduct of other cultures from a young age. Oversea study programs should be highly encouraged - they give students an increased opportunity at learning to implement a holistic and global perspective in America. Students need to be encouraged to take part in a wide variety of courses in college - not only engaged in their own interests, but also in the interests of global awareness; so that a civil-engineering major may know of the collapsing state of India, and a theatre major may know of the dense expressionistic history of the Middle East.

Pitzer is my first choice of higher education, and this choice was made effortlessly because our values are already strikingly similar. The idea of becoming involved and taking on a socially responsible, understanding, community-oriented role has already become a reality for me. The conscientiousness and perspectives I have gained from being intrigued by the world and the way in which humanity functions have helped me to become a more proactive and unique person within my community, while simultaneously driving me to always become a part of something bigger than myself. I can't wait to become immersed in a diverse school and student body that share the progressive mindset I have today, because I know that the lessons I will gain by attending Pitzer will give me tools to change a close-minded generational way of thinking.
Hannover96   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "diversity, innovation, curriculum, aircraft" - Why UM - Supplment essay for UMich [2]

"We know that diversity makes us a better university - better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." What UM President Mary Sue Coleman'sonce saidstatement perfectly presents the most important reason I have chosen to apply to the University of Michigan's College of Engineering: diversity. which can be also interpreted as "Beyond Traditional Boundaries" . By setting upWith fourteen engineering majors, the College of Engineering covers most every area of the engineering world. Moreover, under each major, there are branches for students to choose.(Yeah, sorry, this is something EVERY school offers, not a particularly significant point.) In addition to the quantity of the study directions, the quality of Michigan Engineering is also of high reputation,So, it lays awith a solid foundation for students to work across engineering disciplines. I really appreciate UM's fertile space for academic options as well as their strict pragmatic style, which are crucial to me, in order to adapt to the outstanding professional capacity of an engineer.

Apart from the diversity, innovation is another attribute that attracts methat I am attracted to . At UM, students are often encouraged to be as innovative asmuch as possible. I have heard from my UM friends told me that they received lots ofmany projects are assigned , which require them to think outside of the box , propose new ideas, and helping certain sci-tech associations to improve. I think I canwill benefit a lot greatly from this educational concept. Moreover, the students themselves are also veryincredibly active toand involved in innovation because of the supporting fromas they support numerous student teams. Recently, the University of Michigan Solar Car Team won their sixth North American title and received the Technical Innovation Award. I sincerely hope that I can joint in the team and make a contribution to the seventh champion. (Good! Specifics are good!)

As for what curriculum supports my intereststhe UM curriculum that triggers my interests most? None other than AEROSP 325. Aerodynamics isare second to none (in my book ?). I have been infatuated with Formula Grand Prix since the first glance at my age of 12ever since my first glimpse of the race at age 12 . The amazing speed of the racing car strikes my heart - it makes me curious and excited about the sport. How can the cars achieve such a high speeds without flying from the ground? Could they drive even more quickly? The answer lies in Aerodynamics. How to increase the Lift-Drag Ratio has always been a puzzle to me . By taking this course (which course?)and havingI would have access to those advanced facilities such as wind tunnels in the department. I hope that I can help my beloved race driver and team to do a better design someday.Besides, introduced by my friend who is studying in the department, I'm also interested in CFD, which is the most powerful tool to imitate the forces or pressures circumstance.

One more course that I found interesting is AE335. Aircraft and Spacecraft Propulsion. What if we could apply the propulsion systems of aircraft and spacecraft to the racing car? Will it make a contribution to the performance of the engine, or will it affect the stability of the car? Exploring this field looks promising for the future of the racing car, and promising for my future as well.

In a conclusion, the diversity and the sprit of innovation consists the two big attractions of the Michigan Engineering for me.Ultimately, I am hugely attracted to the University of Michigan's College of Engineering for two major reasons; the incredible diversity of the school, and the spirit of innovation. In particular, the courses about aerodynamics set up by Aerospace Department supports my interest of Formula Grand Prix. ADD a conclusion sentence here, something that wraps it all up!!

You have the right idea - you name specific courses you want to take, specific reasons. Those are good. The articulation of these ideas could use some work. I hope I wasn't too harsh! Good luck to you!
Hannover96   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Community & Pizzazz" - Chapman Supplement [4]

Chapman is just a safety school, but I'd still like the essay to be nice. I feel that right now it's incredibly conventional and sort of bland linguistically...any input would be much appreciated!

Q: There are thousands of universities and colleges. Please tell us why you are choosing to apply to Chapman. How does Chapman match your educational goals, and what do you expect to achieve on campus? (1000 characters)

Aside from your incredible prestige, location, areas of study, and campus, I must say that I am applying to Chapman for two major reasons. The first is that I've discovered that we're quite similar. We're motivated, and filled with pizzazz, and consumed with the arts. We're environmentally conscious, and put priority in serving our communities, which leads me to my second reason for applying to Chapman. I was raised in a small town community, home to parades devoted to butterflies and festivals dedicated to the good old days. As president of my high school's Interact Club, a community service club, I did my best to emphasize the beautiful closeness within my town. It's that sort of local intimacy that I adore about my community, and I love in your university as well. I admire the efforts of Chapman's Student Civic Engagement program, and would certainly join movement, should I be accepted. Programs like those make me look forward to engrossing myself in your community!
Hannover96   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Short Answer: Running, my heavy breathing [14]

I really enjoyed the imagery, and everything seems to be grammatically correct. Only a couple suggestions; maybe mention that running is something that you can take anywhere you go? Emphasize the point that perhaps it keeps your mind and body active simultaneously?

I know you have a character limit, but putting an emphasis on the transcendence of running throughout your life and linking it back to academics might be appealing to colleges.

Also, "I turn at the mid-point of my run, noticing the changing leaves, and head for home. Only when I arrive do I stop, and upon hearing my heavy breathing I walk inside, ready for the day ahead of me." Seems a little off. I might write it like this; "I turn to head home at the mid-point of my run, noticing the changing leaves. and head for home . Only when I arrive home do I stop, I hear my heavy breathing I walk inside, and know that I am ready for the day ahead of me."

Anyway. Very nicely written. Good luck!
Some help on one of my essays would be greatly appreciated! :)
Hannover96   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / The World Is Grey - Stanford Roommate Letter [4]

Okay. Good idea, seeing things in shades of grey (which is usually g-r-a-y) but after reading the essay, I felt sort of glum. Then you started talking about how you have different personalities, and how you're introspective - and I understand the message you were aiming for. But it came off sounding slightly insane and depressing. Also, the main point of this prompt is to address you roommate, and I felt like you didn't do that until the veeeery end. I'm sorry if that's too harsh! I don't want to offend you.

Here's what I would suggest:

1. Make believe that you see the world in a spectrum of colors. Use the rainbow for this prompt, instead of different greys. The last portion of your conclusion is great, but maybe you could say "and that we can learn to distinguish each other's unique shades of color ." It'll brighten up the essay and give the reader a positive feeling.

2. You talk a lot about yourself, which is good, but the way you describe yourself makes it sound like you're a recluse...which isn't so appealing. Instead, share with the reader (your roomie!) your capacity for deep thought, your slight shyness, but your ability to grow. Growth is a real zinger!

3. Talk about the relationship you and your roommate might have a bit more. Maybe talk about the activities you'd like to do with her, or something of the like.

4. Remember your audience! You don't have to show off with big words, just use them when they make sense. Stanford wants to know you, not a thesaurus.

You're a talented writer, and you have a lot of really good material. I hope I wasn't too harsh! Good luck :)
Hannover96   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Community & Pizzazz" - Chapman Supplement [4]

Haha too true, too true! Chapman's a school in southern California, and it's certainly not a bad one. But I think colleges like to have their egos stroked a bit, so I couldn't resist sticking that "prestige" in there (whether or not it's true).

Thanks for the input Miss Platt! I appreciate it.
Hannover96   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / People Watching in An Airport [5]

We need to know what the question is to know if you answered it or not! :D

As I wait to board my flight, I simply sat and observed sit and observe. I immediately took note of what I could readily apprehend- the frazzled mother attempting to calm down her children, the complacent business man roving through security likeas if he were playing a game of Frogger, and the nail-biting woman who has notI would imagine hasn't flown in fifteen years. These waiting people and I have only a few things in common that I know: we are all in transit. We will all share a period of time together before we aviatefly to faraway lands . Why are they here? Where are they going? They all have their own stories, lives, intentions, problems, and dreams. I realize that the world is overwhelmingly big;so exponentially larger than the limited view of my daily routine. The geography of my life becomes less substantial, and the criss-cross of so many lives grows accordingly.Even As I fly over wide expanses of homes and cars and streets , I think of the thousands living below me that do not even realize that I exist 30,000 feet above their heads. Beyond a variety of emotions-the nerves, exhaustion, exasperation-in airports, I see an exposé that allows a glimpse of something greater. It is a gentle and humble reminder that I hope otherscould perceive. As for even if a few hours, we are allowed to believe that we are an important number in the world.(I'm not sure about this last sentence, it doesn't quite makes sense. I think you could remove it all together)

Creative idea. Nice organization. I made some changes (haha obviously) and I'd like to point out some lessons I've learned about writing for colleges:

1. Try to steer clear of overly fancy language - it doesn't sound natural, and sometimes the words are used incorrectly.
2. Be simple, because your ideas will become more clear.
3. Try to bring each essay back to yourself, and your qualities, in some way. Colleges want to know about YOU. However, don't talk excessively about yourself, or you may come off as being snobbish or conceited. Even pompous! (You don't at all. I would suggest talking more about yourself!!)

Good luck with your apps! I know you'll do well :)
Hannover96   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / BU Supp: Leaps and Bounds - spectacular progress or growth in a big way. [6]

Huh. I hadn't realized it might sound like I copied and pasted...Do you mean mentioning the specific professor? Perhaps I should take that out. I just wanted them to know what I'm interested in and the specific courses I'd like to take...Anyway. I'll take another gander and see if I can articulate that paragraph in a more personal way.

And of course I'll look at your Princeton Supp. :)
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