Posts by knattagh

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "our kids will go to the same school" - Stanford letter to roomate . [7]

wow this is really good. I want to be your roomie too!

This is beautifully written. The transitions keep me reading and I don't want to stop.
I am applying to Stanford for Physics and I am very interested in materials science.
I hope we both get in!

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "the mechanics of nature is intriguing" Intellectually engaging experience Stanford [3]

Hi, Thanks for coming. This is my essay for Stanford transfer admission about an intellectually engaging experience. If I could get some tips it would be much appreciated.

Although I find the mechanics of nature intriguing, I see her well being and sustenance to be of up most importance. This is what motivated me to do some personal research on the environment. Not to my surprise, I eventually found myself studying about the energy industries of the world. Here I learned about some different sources of energy and their various impacts on the environment when utilized. What really interested me were the seemingly simple concepts of nucleic fission and fusion for energy production. I researched the nuclear fuel cycle that involves the fission of the Thorium-232 isotope and compared it to that of the Uranium-235 isotope. What I learned amazed me. The negative aspects traditionally associated with nuclear energy are either significantly reduced or absent when Thorium nuclei fission. For example, according to some of my credible sources, not only is there less spent fuel produced by this method but the small amount that is has a much shorter half-life. I found this and an array of other supportive data very enlightening, especially since it is somewhat contrary to popular belief on the subject. So I decided to do a research presentation. I gathered my information from various research papers and dissertations and I gave a short lecture on it at the 2010 Honors Transfer Council of California Conference. Although I understood the notion beforehand, this experience helped open my mind to the idea that there is much to be discovered about the universe.

Thank you

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "the department of Materials Science and engineering" - Why Stanford? [4]

If you wrote about teaching a class of college students instead of high school students it may impress them more.

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "I love music and I look foreward to meeting you" - Stanford future roommate essay [5]

A review would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Well sir, we did it; we made it to a great school! I hope that you too are as happy and relieved about this as I am. We now have a challenging road ahead of us and I am happy to have a companion for this journey. Now, for a glimpse of your future roommate...My name is Khashayar but you can call me Kash.

I love music. Although, I tend to gravitate more towards classic rock, I have a wide variety of tastes in music. I even like country! Some of my favorite pastimes are playing chess, surfing, watching films, hiking, and simply hanging out with friends. Aside from these I spend most of my time studying science and math. If you're interested in science and technology then you're in luck because I love to converse about these things. In fact, I love to converse period. Now I'm not a big fan of showers so I hope you do not mind the smell. By the way, that was a joke. Yes sir, I keep fresh, clean, and organized. In fact, my room today looks very similar to a typical room in a Zen Buddhist Temple. Also, I pride myself on being respectful and considerate so I think you may appreciate that about me.

I look foreword to meeting you and starting a great new relationship. I have a feeling that the next few years will be epic.

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "the future sexualization of men" - Stanford intellectual vitality [5]

I like this, because it says that your able to think on your own. Reading this I can picture a young an sitting and analytically thinking about the future.

I recommend that you use the second half of your essay to write about an actual experience, I assume that you will write about your conversation with the feminists.

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "The Tesla Coil" -Essay on one of my extracurricular activities for UIUC [5]

I think 418 is way to much. Although the horse thing is nice and cute, I would elaborate more on the science of your project. I think it is a little to much like a novel, for example, I would leave out the part about the bell ringing and stuff like that.

elaborate on:

where your love for electricity came from

how you went about solving the problems you encountered.
ex: why did the foil not work so well (get scientific)

What you would do next time.

What you learned.
about yourself
about science

Also...

I think they may assume that you are not very sure about your major if a project that only took you one month is what "made" you decide that you like working with electricity.

Consider the following:
It helped me realize my latent interest in the physics of electricity.

I like how you write about not getting first place though, you make a loss seem like a victory and that shows that your motivated and optimistic

Now some thoughts on grammar...

Too many paragraphs, blend them together...but with careful transitions. You should read your essay and it should feel like the essay ended right after it began.

Replace "things" in para. 3 with "parts"

"With what we could not find, such as the capacitors, we made on our own. We accomplished this by...."

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / There's no place like homelessness--Yale Supplement [29]

I love the last sentence. As for the second to last one I would change it to this...

My glimpse into the lives of others's completely changed my perspective for the better.

The suddenly a teddy bear part could use some revision, I am a little confused about it. But that could just be me lol.

If you have an interesting story as to how you fell to homelessness then you may want to write about that and take a little bit away from the narraration

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "Maintaining good grades" - Challenge Essay-- MIT [5]

I would change
became to become in the first sentence,
difficult to challenging,
much of the time to most of the time
didn't to did not

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "the 2010 Boys Staters" - A LATE MOTIVATED BLOOMER [3]

I love your sentence about facebook ahahaha.

The fitting part confuses me...
Fitting with the Boys State Camp's emphasis on civic service, each participant was required to run for a political position.

For the following sentence I think it would be nicer if you wrote...
I now realize that there is always a possibility of failure and that I will never know the outcome if I don't try.

...instead of...

There was always a possibility a failure, but I would have never known the outcome if I didn't try.

At Boys State, I learned stories of teens overcoming heartbreak or the loss of a friend to become leaders at their schools.
...you don't really learn stories do you?

Instead of...
gaining new insights into how the government works.
How about...
gaining new insights into the technicalities of the government.

How about putting some short sentences in there too.

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "The Extended Opportunities Program and Services" - extracurricular activity [6]

Be as mean as you would like.

In the 2009/2010 academic year I was elected to be the President of the Extended Opportunities Program and Services (E.O.P.S.) Honors Club at my college. That same year we were awarded with the "Presidents Award" and the "Club of the Year" award. These awards were but perks that came with a beautifully challenging experience. An experience that catalyzed my evolution into a "better" leader, thinker, organizer, and social being.

Maintaining a system of such magnitude was at first intimidating. I spent many nights just thinking and writing outlines about how I would orchestrate this intricate system that I had taken responsibility for. I felt like a civil engineer drawing the blueprints for the various systems of a small town. I feel that my preparatory outlines, my adventurous personality, and my work ethic were what made my experience a successful one. I would argue that the most valuable lessons are definitely not confined to a classroom.

Thanks in advance

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / Personal essay for commonapp about how I used to be racist [7]

who were too russian?
I believe it should be, "who were russian too"

my high school had a lot to do with it
...what if you changed the previous sentence to...
my high school played a powerful role in it ("powerful" could definitely be interchanged here with word like crucial, imminent, important )

I think that you can talk about how you became a hippy without sounding unprofessional.
dont say (im a hippy) but think about what it means to be a hippy (or what it means to you) and write about that.

knattagh

Dec 28, 2010

Undergraduate / "we at least share a commitment to academic excellence" Dear Roomate- Stanford [6]

what if you have to take a morning class in order to graduate on time? it could come up.

Someone can read this and think that your obsessed with names and that your a grumpy girl with a dirty room

knattagh

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "The Extended Opportunities Program and Services" - extracurricular activity [6]

Thanks for your reviews, This is my new essay, thoughts?

Wherever you stand at the moment is your classroom. This is my motto. My work with the Extended Opportunities Program and Services (E.O.P.S.) Honors Club taught me what I consider to be priceless lessons on leadership, management, and people. During a relatively easy school year I felt that I could handle more responsibility so I decided to enter the race for Presidency of the E.O.P.S. Honors Club, a race that I would eventually win. In a very brief summary, we conducted a number of different fundraisers where we raised thousands of dollars in cash, food, and clothing. The donations went towards local homeless, struggling students, and scholarships. Our activities won us the "Club of the Year" and the "Presidents Award". I feel that I utilized the power given to me successfully because we were able to help many people, which is a great indicator of success for me.

knattagh

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements; Zenith + Escape Little Town + Eugene Ionesco [8]

This is very nice,

Although I have heard that it is nice if you write "it is" instead of "it's"

I agree with Jpuck, your first sentence of essay 3 is awkward.
Also, in that same essay I would write "During my visits to Germany" instead of in my visits

Also, please check out my essay on extra curricular, I did a re-write and it is on the bottom of the page that the original essay is on.

Thanks

knattagh

Dec 29, 2010

Undergraduate / Education of Women in Afghanistan-Common App Essay-Help with length/flow [13]

I read your whole essay. I am embarrassed at myself for being born in the US and not being able to write nearly a fine as you.

Anyway,
this part sounds a bit awkward to me:
her words sometimes providing much needed motivation.

As far as the length goes, I think it is fine. There used to be a 500 word limit and I think 800 is a nice because it doesnt waste the readers time and it is enough to give out a lot of information.

Just curious, what is your major?
Feel free to critique my essays too

knattagh

Jan 2, 2011

Undergraduate / Roommate to learn from + Intellectual "Environmental Engineering" Essays [3]

"To the executive" shouldn't it be "an executive" or "executives"

I would change...

I am inspired by the power of such green technologies to seemingly reverse the trend of modern degradation patterns.

to...

I am inspired by the power of such green technologies which have the potential(or another word synonymous to potential since u used it already) to reverse the trend of modern degradation patterns.

In this sentence...

The green technology offered the center the opportunity to treat its wastewater to the point where there is no sludge, no smell, and the gold mine to the executive, a useable effluent water.

I believe that the "the point" is unnecessary. Is there a more scientific word for sludge?

I do not understand the end of the last sentence

also, its nice to throw in a 3 or 4 word sentence in.

I agree with the gurl, your first one is awesome. For the second one...I think you might want to rewrite it. I feel that it can be better.

Good luck my friend,