Undergraduate / "That one random chat" - Purdue undergrad: essay about an autobiography [3]

"Envision yourself near the end of a fulfilling, lifelong career and you just published your autobiography. Share the tittle and introduction."
This is my very first essay and I think I'm missing a lot of things here. Critics expected, thank you :)

That one random chat

Growing up in a small city in Indonesia, the economic gap between the wealthy people and the middle low are quite significant. With one look, we can determine which group a person belongs to. It's that obvious.

My father and grand fathers are successful people, both economically and socially. Their business runs very smoothly for years and they contribute a lot to the society. I really want to be like them, especially my father who likes to join various society activities and has a very good ability to lead a company.

I used to be able to imagine myself running a big, successful company and being a public figure people look up to. But, as the years go by I realize that I have different skills from my father. I knew that it will be very hard for me to achieve what my father has done, moreover it would be almost impossible to out beat him.

I don't think it would be exaggerating to say that my mind, during my high school years, we're tortured. I didn't have the slightest idea of what I'm going to do in the future.

I thought about what I'm going to do after I graduate high school, every single day, and still reached a dead end, every single time. My grades were slipping and my motivation began to vapor. At one point, I was so stressed out, I had a nervous breakdown for one whole week.

"Now I'm just going to be a nobody," my mind keeps telling me. Just when I thought all hopes were gone, a friend of mine randomly chat me and told me something. That random, spontaneous chat actually was the key to re-open my door of dreams and motivation once again.

This is a story of how I fell from my land of dreams and was lifted back again by just one random chat.

Undergraduate / Choir is not just about singing (talent, quality) [4]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Most people think that joining a choir is easy. All they need to do is sing together, sometimes in different voices, but still all the same. If I never joined choir, that would probably be my impression of it. Up to this day, I'm so grateful I decided to join my school's choir.

In a choir, teamwork is very crucial. I remember my first choir championship. At the time, there were a lot of fights between the members and even though I thought we sang quite well, we lost.

Since then, once a week we had a character building program where we learned a lot about team work. At first, I thought this was silly and stupid. All we need to do is sing, not be friends with everyone! But after a while, I realized that this program actually helped not only the choir, but each member as well, to improve. I myself learned how to tolerate others, how to see someone's difference as a positive thing, and how important team work is.

The difference was very obvious. Compared to our first championship, our second one was much better. The team was solid and much better than before. Even when we sing, we inhale and exhale at the exact same time. It's an amazing feeling.

I'm very proud of my choir and my team mates, because we were able to unite our voices and push aside our difference and become the champion of the World Choir Championships in China.

Choir is basically what shaped my character into who I am right now. I learn to work together with others, which helps me a lot now with my position as the president of the student body. I learn to always try something new no matter how silly it is, and with that character I'm able to join the regional dance finals and the national debate championship. Without choir, I would still be that little girl who would do nothing and just study all day, never taking the risks to try something new.

This is still rough and I need comments to help me fix it. Thank you in advance :)

Undergraduate / 'very proud of my father' - the world you come from - UCD [3]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

My father is the hardest working person I've ever known. He built his business from scratch and now he is one of the most influential people in the city. I remember when I was in middle school, my mom told me, for the first time, the story of how my father became a successful owner of a drink company he is now. When I was still a baby, my father sold our house which was a gift from my grandfather to use it to build his business. We moved to a smaller house in the outskirts of town while he worked from dusk to dawn, coming home with the strong smell of sugar and orange. At first, the company wasn't doing so well, but he didn't give up and kept trying. Finally, after one year, his business started to turn better. The company expanded, and his brand became widely known. Now, even though his company is stable and doing very well, he still keeps on working hard inventing new products.

I'm very proud of my father. He is hard working yet simple. He never brags about his success and he always stays down to earth. He is my sole motivation of working hard at school and my guide to socialize in the community. I set my heart to continue his business and expand it to the next level of going international and adding more variety to his products. I'm determined to study more about food and drinks, so in the future I'm going to make him proud in return.

Please comment and help me. I still don't know how to end this essay. Thank you :)