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Posts by admiraljes
Joined: Dec 21, 2011
Last Post: Dec 29, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 14  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 16
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admiraljes   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / "How can a Chinese boy play guitar" - Common Application [9]

My hands moved across the instrument, fingertips brushing its glossy surface. Standing under the bright limelight, I felt a sense of belonging. The drums began: one, two, three... That was my cue. I gently flicked my wrist and began playing the first notes of my life.

"Piano it is. It's the king of all musical instruments," said my father.
Like every obedient Chinese child, I had to choose between the violin and piano. Though my American side dictated I had the freedom to pursue my own interests, the piano was chosen for me regardless. Every day after school, my mother would drive me to a writing workshop, a math tutor, and finally my piano lesson. Whenever I questioned the purpose of this difficult regimen, the answer was always because, as a Chinese child, my duty was to become great, like a "Long" (or dragon). Moving to China became a crescendo of pressure, especially when my parents purchased a brand-new piano and hired a private local instructor. Compared to my patient American teacher, this Chinese counterpart was austere; she would hit my hands with a ruler whenever they faltered.

One day, I passed by a CD store blasting "Livin' on a Prayer". Briefly, I felt as if I was strolling by the neighborhood records store back in California. On the TV screen, I watched intently as Richie Sambora rocked out his Stratocaster. Eyes closed and mouth half-open, he seemed to be in a perfect dream; it was the look of bliss. This look was the prelude to my decision that piano didn't provide the fulfillment that I wanted from an instrument. Each note resounding from Sambora's guitar represented my American side calling me to finally make my own choice.

I met an overwhelming chorus of objections. "How can a Chinese boy play guitar when all successful people play piano, violin, or cello?" Though I tried to explain to my parents how I would be happier with a guitar, my mother only threw up her hands and exclaimed, "Have your American 'pursuit of happiness'; if you reject your Chinese heritage, so be it."

After buying my first guitar, I quickly learned to play, guided only by passion as a teacher. With guitar, I felt truly happy. I knew I had found my calling. However, I found that the music theory from piano lessons formed the solid basis upon which I built my guitar skills. Moreover, guitar and piano seemed to be the perfect complements; the bright, sharp notes of the guitar blended in with the warm, dulcet tones of the piano. Thus, for a charity concert, I formed a band with piano and guitar as the main instruments.

My fingers danced across the Les Paul's rosewood fretboard, tapping each string at precise locations to deliver the cadence of the finishing chorus. Out of the amplifier came a resonating final harmony of notes. In that harmony, I discerned both my guitar and my band's piano. They united to create one music, my music.

Any comments would be appreciated. Suggestions on how to improve would be even more appreciated. And the most brutally honest remarks would be appreciated the most! Please help a poor double-rejected (yeah, I really did receive two rejections) applicant out!
admiraljes   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / "How can a Chinese boy play guitar" - Common Application [9]

Oh, the prompt was sort of a combination between (1) Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. and (5) A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. so I decided to choose (6) Topic of your choice.

Thank you for your feedback!
admiraljes   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'travel to anywhere I want' - Extracurricular Essay [25]

This is very interesting. I'd say this is a good essay regarding your interests. However, I believe the reason why the commonapp has this essay is because the colleges want to see how you can actually contribute to the community atmosphere by actually engaging in social activities. So I'd say it's better if you changed your essay to more along those lines.
admiraljes   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the part we choose to act on' - BROWN: MOMENT WHEN PERSPECTIVE CHANGED [7]

Hey, I truly enjoyed reading your essay. Having said that, I would like to point out some stuff. Forgive me for being a little harsh. I'd say that you used too many characters on the first half of your essay. While you're given 200 characters, which becomes approx. 350 words, you've used around 170 of it to just introduce your topic. I'd say it's better to describe that moment, what's going on in your head, and then talk about the moments after that moment itself. Narrate, make it vivid, but most of all, make it personally significant. They don't really care about how others see Harry Potter (I'm a fan too), but they want to see how you see Harry Potter, and I think you take too much time describing other people. I hope these suggestions help, and I hope they're in time xD.

Help me too please!
admiraljes   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Why I Joined MUN (Model United Nations) EC Essay - Common app [7]

Why did I join Model United Nations? Debate has always been my passion, and MUN provided the perfect outlet. By attending various conferences in China, I gained new viewpoints and knowledge from the people I met and debated with. But my purpose changed at CISSMUN. While researching on child soldiers, I came across the story of Grace from Uganda. I was stunned by the dirty living conditions, lack of food, and physical abuse she told of, but I was further shocked to learn that she was forced to shoot her friends. I knew, as a citizen of the global community, I couldn't stand by while other people suffered. I had to do something. At the conference, I led a host of fellow representatives to create a resolution that could potentially eliminate the plague of child military service. When it passed, I knew I was one step closer to helping these children. I learned that day that if I can make a difference here, I can make a difference in the real world. That's why I joined MUN.

Please comment! Be honest too! :D
admiraljes   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Flushed' + 'I am exhausted' - Extra Curricular activities essays [14]

I really like how vivid you talk about your experience. However, I would say you can cut down on the first half where you talk about the scene because that's not as important as talking about what you learned. Good second half, and it'd be better if you expand it.
admiraljes   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'helping the community' - What learn from and contribute to the Penn Community [3]

I like the main ideas of your essay, but they all seem a little bit ordinary and bland. (Sorry, but I try to be as honest as I can.) I would suggest you recount a personal experience or talk about your background and what drives you to study what you want to. Let them see what's behind all of your motivation. Integrate that with what you have right now, then we have a winner! :D
admiraljes   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a destroyer of things'- Pennsylvania School of Engineering and Applied Science essay [5]

I like your ideas, but you don't go into so much detail, which makes it hard to feel personal. I'd suggest you add in some more personal details (experiences, beliefs, etc.). At the same time, I would recommend you put in something about you can not only destroy, but build. Put in some more power (you are both creator and destroyer) to give them a much more impressive feel. Remember, engineering is about building! xD Hope this helps!
admiraljes   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Saigon Traffic' - Michigan supplement [3]

Engaging indeed. However, and I'm going to be blunt here, you really need to work on how that experience is important to you. From that, all I found was that you can be a bit of a risk taker and possibly kill yourself during a dangerous maneuver. I'd recommend you cut down half of this essay and instead focus on how that community changed you.
admiraljes   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'creating a welcoming, diverse community' - Why Columbia? [6]

Hey, I had some experience applying to Columbia (I was ED and I got rejected D:) Anyway, I'd say this short answer is far from being complete. I know this will come as a shock and disappointment, but you might need to restart this entire essay. If you're really looking for diversity, why not NYU? Or why not Harvard? Find something that is unique to Columbia only, and remember, let your personality and aspirations through. I hope this helps, and I hope I'm not too mean. After being rejected by CU, I really do hope no one else will suffer the same fate.
admiraljes   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the field of biomedical engineering' - UPenn Supplement [8]

Hey there, fellow Ivy applicant. I enjoyed your essay, but I feel that it's incoherent. You first start out with you're a multitasker... ok... Then you talk about your area of interest, which is definitely addressing the prompt. Then finally you talk about what you can exchange with Penn. All of these are good ideas, but I'd say you can integrate them. I know it's a little late for this (and I wish you would've posted sooner), but I'd suggest you rewrite this using a personal experience. What drove you to pursue this area? If there is a story that you can tell (a trip to the hospital, having a sick person in your family, or even a documentary), that would be great. But always keep in mind those ideas that you had: Penn's biomedical engineering quality (with Ivy stamp), Global Biomedical Service program, research facilities, etc. Make those crucial "good things" about Penn address the different areas of your experience to form a coherent (and very engaging) piece of writing. I hope you can take my advice into consideration. My friend was deferred, and on the off chance that we may be friends, I would love to see you be admitted.

Btw, if you have time, can you look over my common app essay? It'd be great if you can be honest (and maybe brutal) about mine too. Thanks!
admiraljes   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

Given the fact that the prompt is "write about anything", I'd say this is a very good story. You let your personality come through and I can see your goals and aspirations. I would say that trimming it down a bit would be better, but otherwise, I would have no problem keeping this essay and submitting it. All the best with Harvard!
admiraljes   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'to be around students who really know how to get down and party' - "why Upenn"? [5]

Wow, witty. I'm very impressed. I can see all the research you did on this school. To make things a little interesting, your (add something here) can be "philly cheesesteak"? It's a personal favorite of mine, but maybe it would tickle your fancy too haha. Just putting it out there, but maybe it's a tiny bit risky to write up this scene as if you're already in U Penn? If hope this becomes true for you though!

By the way, that's a nice username haha.
admiraljes   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the field of biomedical engineering' - UPenn Supplement [8]

I was interested in reading your essay again, so I tapped in. And I gotta say, this is quite amazing. I'd say you did a terrific job in incorporating all your ideas into a story. Now it looks like you're almost made for Penn! I hope you'll get in!
admiraljes   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'immigrant parents from India' - William and Mary Personal Statement [4]

Hmm, the title was misgiving. I thought you were going to talk about your parents, but I guess not. Anyway, this is too broad and bland. I don't learn much from you, aside from you liking football and fried chicken. =/ I would recommend you to maybe give a personal experience about when you and your parents had something happening between you (either good or bad) that led you to realize something about your heritage.
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