Undergraduate / 'Poetry consumes me' - My Common App Essay [7]

I have just finished my common app essay and I am very unsure of some of the grammar. I only have 2 days left until I have to apply! I was hoping you guys could just give me some tips and help me edit it. Thank You.

Prompt: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

Poetry consumes me: three simple words scribbled almost illegibly at the bottom of my math notebook. They would eventually begin the poem that illustrates wholly the immense passion I have for the art form that saved me.

You could say I was lost and, like most teenagers, unsure of my place in the world. Many days, high school seemed endless. I was crying out for something or someone to save me, to pull me out of the rut I was in.

'Your life is your life. Don't let it be clubbed into dank submission,' he spoke, almost exclusively to me. The words, a line from the poem "The Laughing Heart" by Charles Bukowski, resounded like plastic drums within my soul. It became the beat upon which I would march forward.

The poem speaks of the light and how it is essential to seek it out, to take chances as they come, to refuse to give up. I held fast to these words and with them, was able to find meaning and life in the everyday.

Bukowski's words also inspired me to write poetry of my own. With pen in hand, I was able to unearth the emotions that had, for so long, been buried deep within me. They began to take shape; rolling lyrically off the tongue, perfectly crafted around adjectives and simile. It was the ultimate contradiction: freeing, yet controlled.

"The Laughing Heart" ends simply: 'The gods wait to delight in you.' Words filling not only with hope, but also with incentive - the drive to go out and make everyday better.

Undergraduate / 'Gallatin's dream' - NYU Supplement Essay - Why NYU? [5]

Hey guys, I have to have this essay done by tomorrow, so if you could edit it for content, grammar, etc. I would really appreciate it.

Prompt: Why NYU?

New York is a city for the inspired, for those that thrive on life and vibrancy. It is intoxicating, filled to the brim with culture and art. For me, New York City is a mecca for all things extraordinary. As a restaurant enthusiast, it is heaven. As a cinephile, it is home. The city in and of itself is poetry, is music. It is unconquerable and for that reason, keeps you on your toes, keeps you moving, never tried. But aside from the beautiful city in which it resides, NYU has Gallitin. Being a person of many interests, it sang to me. Where others called me a dreamer, Gallatin said, 'I understand.' Unlike other schools, Gallatin isn't rigid. It doesn't try to box me into one specific major, rather encourages me to explore all of the different areas of academia that inspire me. At Gallatin, I can discuss Bertolucci's use of sexuality in The Dreamers, while taking a class in calculus for business, and end the day with a lesson on the Portuguese subjective. This unique educational approach is ideal because it allows me to hone all of my interests into a degree that will represent the eclectic, driven person that I am.

Undergraduate / 'A World Cup quarterfinal match' - NYU - What Intrigues You? [6]

Hey guys, I have to have this done by tomorrow, so if you could edit it for content, grammar, etc. I would really appreciate it.

Prompt: What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.) and explain its signifigance to you.

July 3rd, 2010. A World Cup quarterfinal match between Spain and Paraguay changes my life forever. It was explosive: missed penalties from both sides, a dismissed goal, an 83rd minute David Villa strike, ending it 1-0 to Spain. From that day, I was hooked. Like love at first sight, I fell hard for football. In his book Fever Pitch, Nick Hornby captures the feeling exactly: "I fell in love with football as I would later fall in love with [men]: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it." Football is a game fueled by passion: the intense emotion that radiates from the pitch (field). As a result of this, there is no such thing as a silent observer. The game is simple in theory, yet intricate in execution. Every pass is methodical, a small piece of a greater objective: score. When the opportunity does arise - when the ball hits the back of the net - supporters from all corners of the globe leap from their chairs, indifferent to where they'll land. Only knowing that, on their way up, their team had scored. Football is the epitome of drive: a young boy practicing into the wee hours of the night with dreams of becoming the next Didier Drogba, or a faithful supporter traveling the length of his country to watch his team play. I look to emulate this in my daily life, both as a student and a person. It answers many names - footy, soccer, balompié - but I think the Brazilians said it best: Joga Bonito: The Beautiful Game.

Additional Questions:

1. Is the first bold section grammatically correct? Does it correctly end the sentence?
2. Second bolded section: I changed that part of the quote from women to men. Is that okay or should I just keep it the way it originally was?

3. Third Bolded Section: Does it sound better the way it is or "a small piece to a greater objective:"
4. Fourth Bolded Section: Do I need to put a comma after arise? I ask because, if I didn't have the part with the dashes, I would need one.

5. Fifth Bolded Section: Is that sentence a fragment, or is it okay.
6. Sixth Bolded Section: Should I use the word "said" or "say"? Or something else?
7. Does the last sentence seem out of place? Or does it serve as a good concluding sentence?
8. Do I use to many colons? And if so, how would I fix that.

If you have any other edits, feel free to add them! Thanks So Much!

Undergraduate / 'Hyperlinks ruin me' - NYU Supplement Essay - What Intrigues You? [4]

Hey guys, so after I read the comments for my last essay, I decided to rewrite it entirely. I have to have this done by either tonight or early tomorrow, so if you could edit this for content, grammar, etc. I would really appreciate it! Thanks!

Prompt: What intrigues you?

The little blue hyperlinks; they ruin me. I come to perform a quick search, gather the information and be on my way. But, in the back of my mind, I know it is impossible. From the moment I begin, they catch my eye and I am off. Spiraling down the vortex I have come to know as the Wikipedia Loop. A simple inquiry about Herbert Hoover, and somehow I end up learning about Fermat's Last Theorem. I am fully aware of the time that is being lost, and yet I don't regret it. The knowledge I am gathering is well worth it, I assure myself. What is so interesting is that this is not just a fate of the absent-minded individual. It captures all of us: the scholar and the layman, the royal and the commoner. Wikipedia has become the most successful online encyclopedia because it is simply engrossing. It brings people to places they thought they'd never discover, streets they thought they'd never cross. However, I must point out one fault. Apparently, it is not a viable excuse as to why I fell sleep in Health class last year. No matter. I will endure the scoldings valiantly if it means that I may spend more hours getting lost in the rabbit hole that is Wikipedia.com.

Undergraduate / 'I did not stop at French and Spanish' - NYU Supplement Essay - Area of Interest [3]

Hey guys, the NYU deadline is today so I really need urgent help. If you could please edit this for grammar, content, etc. I would really appreciate it.

The plight of a seventeen-year-old language zealot is tragic. Outcast by her peers because she craves grammar, shunned for her love of listening exercises and the like. But this is something I cannot control, a fire I do not wish to extinguish. Language is a means of communication, but more that that it is beautiful, each one with its own identity. French is regal and romantic. Portuguese is poetic, every intonation filled with passion. Dutch is gripping and familiar, a sister to my own. A language is a looking glass into the people that grew it, because it evolves with them. It weeps and rejoices as they do, carries remnants of the past. And, for that reason, is an essential part of culture. Being French club president allowed me to share a bit of my love with my peers by exposing them to French cinema and cuisine, mediums that were a bit more palpable than the passé compose and subjunctive. In NYU, I have found the Promised Land. Like me, the university was not satisfied with the ordinary, the typical. I did not stop at French and Spanish, rather, understood that there was more. NYU stood out to me because it is exactly what it claims: a global university. Through the guidance of renowned professors like Miriam Ayres, Aline Baehler, and Despina Lalaki, I will be able to broaden my knowledge of the world through language. Moreover, the expansive study abroad program will allow me to further immerse myself other cultures.

I feel like the ending is a bit abrupt, but I don't know how to fix it :(