Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - 'University education should be only available for good students' [2]

Hi, this is my first post (also my first essay) on EssayForum. I am glad to have someone who can comment about my essay. Thank you.

Topic:
Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why.

My writing (358 words)

The purpose of education is always a controversial topic among people and society, especially in high level such as college or university. Some people think that all students should deserve to be educated at this level. However, in my opinion, it should be better to leave this type of type of training for a certain group of good, knowledgeable learners.

First, focusing only on talented students is a better option because it helps academic institutions maintain their high education quality. Unlike middle school or high school, university and college require far a lot of ability and skills to keep up with an enormous amount of complex knowledge. In fact, some students may be capable in high schools, but the pressure of higher education is tough even for talented ones. That explains why it is only suitable for a limited people, and opening up for everyone will be fatal for institutions, since they need to somehow lower the materials so that it is practical for everyone.

Secondly, university should only accept good students because it gives better human resources for sophisticated purposes. Some people argue that this may lead to 'social division', when someone with high education refuses to do the called 'low jobs', but actually it gives no harm to the whole community. Those standard jobs will always be available for everyone, while complex ones should be only handled by the best people, who start their career from the best institutions. I think limiting the number of people who can be admitted by universities is a good choice since it will reward the motivation of students and constantly keep them in the difficult level of learning, which makes them do the best to improve themselves. Ultimately, this improves the overall quality of education and gives the best people to serve in the most necessary needs of the society.

To sum thing up, I agree that everyone should have a compulsory education level up to high school, but the above divisions should be only the realm of the best students. This will improve the quality of both universities and students, thus placing people in positions which suit them most.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - 'The importance of games for adults comparing to children' [8]

OK, this is just my second essay on EssayForum, and I hope someone can give me some comments and evaluations about the essay. Thank you!

Topic:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Games are as important for adults as they are for children. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

My writing (328 words)

As people grow up, the arguments about the importance of games arise. Some people think that, adults need playing games as children do. However, in my opinion, games are no longer too important for them for several reasons.

The first reason is that games become unnecessary for people when their careers begin. Someone may argue that games help adults relax and become more balanced in life. But, more often, the pressure of work and family commitment force them to abandon their lifelong hobbies, and as a result, they cannot spend enough time and effort to their favorite games as they did in 15 or 20 years ago. For example, in my country, except for a minor part of professional athletes, the majority of people stop playing games seriously as soon as they find a decent job. They often feel that such games become more troublesome than enjoyable for their daily lives.

Another reason should be mentioned is that adults often do not pursue games as a competitive activity, while children are always keen on competition and winning. For youngsters, maintaining their desire to win often develops many outstanding characteristics whether they participate sport events or not. For example, my younger sister likes fencing, and thanks to her desire to win, she never gives up when facing a difficult situation, or even becoming hurt. On the other hand, adults often consider such behaviors as childish and drop them immediately. In fact, a competitive person usually finds it difficult to cooperate with friends and colleagues. Because of that, they no longer play games for any moderate achievements, and gradually lose their interest in such activities.

To sum up, I think adults do need to play games, but their styles are often distinct from children's, which are often less competitive and more enjoyable. Along with the high requirement for family and work, games are just some leisure activities for adults, not something necessary as they are meant to be for children.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay - Banning smoking in public areas and office buildings is good or bad? [3]

Hi all :)
I'm going to take the TOEFL test on 12th May, so I may need your help more frequently. Could people take a look at my essay and give opinions about it? Thanks :)

Topic:
In some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office buildings. Do you think this is a good rule or a bad rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your position.

Essay (324 words)
In my opinion, it's really a bad rule to forbid people smoking in public places and office buildings. Although some people may argue this is done to protect the community's health, disallowing smoking can also lead to some other problems which are harmful for both smokers and non-smokers.

First, if handling properly, smoking will not be a threat for all people. When smokers engage to smoking, they understand well the harm of those cigarettes, and that's no need to forbid smoking just to protect their health. Also, to avoid the problem of smoking to the whole community, we can open specific smoking area in public places and office buildings. If the number of such areas is adequate enough, I think it won't be a big problem to everyone.

Second, forbidding smoking will result a great loss to the business. When people cannot smoke in most of the places, they won't purchase as many cigarettes as when they can. This leads to a drop of cigarettes' sales and affects badly to tobacco companies and farmers who plant tobacco. Moreover, since the tax from tobacco sales is relatively high, forbidding smoking can cause the same loss of money to the government as well.

Third, forbidding smoking may lower employers' performance at work. Nowadays, they often face numerous stressful situations from the high requirement in their job. As a result, some people rely on smoking to relieve stress and concentrate on working. But if they can no longer smoke, they won't be able to escape from stress and their performance will decline drastically. Obviously, no companies want such things happen.

To sum, although banning smoking has its advantages, their negative effects are worth considering. Its potential harm to the business and employers explains why smoking in public areas and buildings can still be tolerated. As I mention before, opening specific smoking areas in public places can be considered to balance the need of both smokers and non-smokers.

Undergraduate / MIT Essay: The world you come from [3]

Hi, this is my application essay for MIT. Could you take a moment to review and suggest how can I cut down the amount of words? Thanks!

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

(304 words)
Every 8 PM, my eyes fixed to the black-and-white TV, awaiting new episodes of the famous film 'Journey to the West'. For many years, I was so immersed by its magical world that I always covered my head with a blanket before sleeping, fearing that some fearful monsters would capture and make me their dinner.

My favorite character was Sun Wukong, or Monkey King, which could fly, fight and perform 72 kinds of transformation. With my inherent naĂŻve, I ignored the skeptical look of other people and tried to replicate such magic. Just on my first day doing "experiments", I accidentally burned my mother's jacket in an attempt to transform it into "immortal jacket". Undaunted, I made a bottle which supposed to suck everything inside, but in reality, it could never do better than creating some explodes and making everyone laugh.

Only after entering high school, I learned about special effect, knowing that I was fooled all the time. But it was too late and the "damage" had been done. Struggles in doing experiments had stemmed my love with science. While other children were busy discussing the content of the film, I went to the library and devour every single book. Many of them were far above my grasp, but after time, I absorbed the intricacy and diverse of knowledge, "transforming" to a stubborn child who defied any challenges. For nine years, I considered a 9 grade out of 10 in math exam as a failure. Before fixing a computer, I often whisked my "As-You-Will" stick with a smile of success, not knowing that true success often came after hours of battling with computer's motherboard or fixing a malfunctioned RAM. True, I was naĂŻve. But my mind was pure, as everyone called, and my thinking was even enhanced upon I started my high school.

Undergraduate / Huyen Anh, as I called her / Commonapp essay - Influential person [3]

Hello, this is my Commonapp essay. I really hope your review, and I especially appreciate harsh comments and criticisms. Thanks :)

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. (limit: 250-500 words)

(604 words)
The moment her name was announced, some people glanced at her and giggled. Huyen Anh, as I called her, was a five-foot tall girl with blemished face, still, she stayed nonchalant when being teased. Remaining quiet in the corner of the classroom, I behaved differently. Moving to her table, I smiled, not knowing that she would change my life forever.

By the end of the first month in high school, she had managed to shatter my pride apart. For me, the feeling of being the top student in my class in nine years was so familiar that I never thought of being the second one. Tragically, things were no longer on my side. That little girl (or Ms. Know-it-all?) came first in every exam with flying colors, no matter how hard I tried. Tacit in her usual blue jacket, but when solving any problem set, she looked like a monster who was trying to devour her opponent. Trying again and again, she always managed to do something that I couldn't, leaving me in embarrassment.

People said I was out of my mind, but that fateful day, I wrote her a "rivalry letter" and a difficult math problem. I also anticipated her worst response: refusing the challenge and breaking our barely formed friendship. To my surprise, two days later, she handed me her neat solution and a little note:

"Challenge accepted. I'm happy to have you as a wonderful opponent for next three years."

From that day, a fierce but friendly challenge began. My desire to overcome her was enhanced by my eagerness of absorbing challenging knowledge. Rather than joining lackluster musical shows, I came to her house, discussing with her new problems in Calculus. Rather than waiting problem sets from our teacher, we composed our own problem sets and tested against each other. In my pocket, I usually kept some notes of me studying Linear Algebra, and some blank papers for my instantaneous creativity, which might surge up upon me seeing a wooden knight or a license plate. In class, her grade was still better than mine, but in our private challenges, my specialized knowledge in Math and Computer Science often brought me her respect look, which was later translated into my achievements in National and International Olympiad. Victory was eventually mine.

Days of talking with her made me surprised. For her family, a Confucian philosophy, her future had long been settled: finishing a local high school and then marrying a man whom she hardly knew. However, she decided to break away. Leaving her family behind, she embarked a journey to study at one of the finest high schools in Hanoi and to push herself to an indefinite limit. "I never wanted men's pity!" she quoted from her hero, Judit Polgar. While other girls were busy learning cooking, she went to school men's soccer team and became a fierce striker. While other girls collapsed after a 500-meter run, she often dragged me for a 3-kilometer marathon, which (naturally) I couldn't allow myself to fall behind. Looking at her eyes, I felt an indomitable determination which couldn't let hardships and traditions binding her future.

It has been more than one year after our graduation. Still, every morning, I ride a bike, waiting for a five-foot tall girl in blue jacket to come and join the conversation. Though we are no longer on the same road, she has meant a lot to me. With her, I constant try to raise the bar, whatever the challenges are. From a boy sitting in a corner of the class, I have grown up and gained the confidence for future.

Undergraduate / The accident ; MIT Essay/Significant challenge [5]

Hi everyone! I hope someone could review and provide suggestions to my essay?

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

(284 words)
With a perfectly fit body, perhaps I would think of big dreams like saving the world. With a damaged foot, however, I longed desperately to walk normally again. The first day after my accident, the doctor said "It may take years to recover your foot" in my tearful eyes. No wonder, I immediately accepted the recovery schedule, not knowing that I also signed up for a tough personality challenge.

The schedule comprised from various exercises: massaging, walking and drinking herbs. With my impatient nature, I ignored preliminary massaging and focused solely on walking as far as possible, thinking that my determination would overcome the pain. However, my foot's pain usually broke down my resistance shortly after I started my 500-meter walk with crutches. Initial failures taught me to be patient and dutifully carried out slow treatments.

On first days, my friends carried me to a third-floor classroom, but later I tried to climb the stairs myself. Looking cautiously, I reached out step by step, staying firmly to keep balance before swinging my body forward. Sometimes, my hurt foot hit the riser, but I quickly grabbed the banister and regained equilibrium. Finishing such 48 treads took me fifteen minutes, and as I reached the top, my shirt was filled in sweats. Still, after receiving my friends' hugs and applauses, I smiled brightly, hoping a near day of returning to soccer field.

I needed three months to walk normally again. "Saving the world", my motto had been replaced with lots of small goals: "Eating a bit more" or "Standing a bit longer". The accident took away my perfectly fit body; however, during days of preserve, I cherished every little achievement and thrived to make it better.

Undergraduate / Color / Stanford Roommate Essay [4]

Hi everyone, I'm a bit unsure with this essay (I've worked with it for a few days). Could anyone make suggestions (this time not with length anymore)?

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Limit: 2000 characters
My essay: 1849 characters

Dear Roommate,
I often link myself with colors, and my letters are often filled with words in different inks. Unfortunately, I have no way to do that using Stanford online submission system. Anyway, can you pretend that I'm writing this note in my usual way?

- Black: I advise you always to turn on the light before coming to our room. Otherwise, you may get hit from me, a person who likes dancing in darkness and does all sort of weird movements.

- Blue: My favorite color, and surely I'll fill our room with blue. You'll see me with packs of blue stuff, from stuffed animals to chessboard. Most of which aren't blue originally, but my penchant for this color is so overwhelming that I repainted all.

- White: (hmm, how can I write in white ink? Anyway, I assume it's possible) my most unstable color. No no, don't worry that I'll scribble on your beautiful wall. What I mean is that I rapidly fill plain white pages with words and diagrams. I often write without a definite schedule and plan: the previous day I wrote about a trip in Greece, the next day I may write where my love for math comes from (spoiler: it comes from a box full of stones).

- Yellow: Upon seeing this color, you may scream: "What? Another Asian stereotype and math craziness?" Don't worry. True, there are times I need to be recluse to solve complicated math problems. But usually, you'll see me doing math with a box full of cards, dices and chess pieces. Is that math after all? Yes, it's the so-called Discrete Mathematics, the one that will help you when to bet on casino or how to schedule our hectic lives. I enjoy doing such math and always eager to demonstrate my fruits to others, so lucky you to be my first audience.

Is my life limited in just four colors? I hope not. I'm waiting for your note to intensify the diversity of our room's spectrum. See you in Stanford!