Writing Feedback / 'he must not cheat..' -Write a paragraph about qualities you want from your ideal man [3]

"In conclusion, I'll live a happy life with a man like this."

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "Work by hand OR machine" [9]

I don't feel like you made a convincing enough argument to show readers why you prefer using machines. Use more of your own experiences to cite specific reasons and examples.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "Work by hand OR machine" [9]

1. very fast day by day Does it require 'day by day' only OR it is completely wrong? I didn't get it can you please explain me?

It's not wrong, but you could simply say "quickly everyday."

2. In my first para, I tried to compare both ideas i.e. work by hand and work by machine. I never thought in readers point of view.

Yes, it's important that you take into consideration the expectations of your reader. When you write, pretend you're having a discussion with them. Imagine questions that he or she may ask about the topic.

3. "everyone wants to win the race of life" means everyone wants to be a topper in this competitive world. I didn't mention any supporting sentence that's why there no link for that.

People may have different interpretations about what they want out of life. Remember to be precise and persuasive in your writing. Consider that anyone who reads your paper will undoubtedly have different cultural, economic, and educational backgrounds; therefore, you should construct your essay accordingly.

4. "but nowadays scenario" ...? I didn't get it again please explain me. [/quote]

People won't typically say "but nowadays scenario." I understood what you intended to convey, though. Remove "scenario" and leave it as "but nowadays."

Can't wait to read your next draft!

Graduate / Writing an essay for an Executive MPH Program! [6]

How's your paper coming along?

Scholarship / Statistics & Operations Research-What is your proposed study is intended to achieve [4]

Main suggestion: Be as specific as possible. Please note that the suggestions below are merely suggestions for improving your essay.

Sometimes it helps to divide the question into its constituent parts, so I'm placing paragraphs under the questions that they answer. If a paragraph doesn't answer any of the aforementioned questions, please consider deleting it.

Notes: In actuality, the final question (How is it related to your prior experience or future career goals? ) relates back to the first one:What is your proposed study intended to achieve?I suggest revising your first paragraph with the intention of tying it to the final paragraph. That way you'll have an essay that flows smoothly from beginning to end!

Graduate / Writing an essay for an Executive MPH Program! [6]

Good to hear and best of luck! Please let us know the results once you've been notified!

Writing Feedback / IELTS:1 - 'wish you the best in the city' A letter to a friend [2]

Dear John,

Firstly,I appreciated your acceptance ofThank you fortakingagreeing tocare ofwatch my littleKitty cat whenwhile I spend my annual vacation outsideam away on vacation . I already confirmedM y confirmed flight bookingis scheduled to depart on 8th of June at nightthe evening of June 8 .

I had enough time to edit one paragraph. Overall, I think it's an adorable letter. However, you did not provide contact details for when you're away. Aside from that exclusion, I enjoyed reading your letter.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task .Expaining why you want to take IELTS exam [10]

The IELTS exam is the most baggage for my future. [I would refrain from using cliches in your essay to describe how the IELTS will affect or is affecting your future.]

First, When I was child, I wanted to study in Australia. 12 years old, I founded that I want to be a doctor. THE UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY which I want to learn in has a great environment and the modern equipment for the international student.[What is the connection that ties these things together: your childhood desire to study in Australia, 12-year-old dream to become a doctor, and present goal of attending this particular university? The relationship (significance) between the first and second sentence remains unclear.] So,The IELTS is the most important exam for me,[You haven't successfully argued why it's important, though.] and I need 6.5 score if I want to be accepted in this school.

Second, When I learn for the IELTS exam in internet and in ILA, my skill is improved very much, my vocabulary is much more than the past. In the next ten weeks, I will study hard, learn more about IELTS on many ways. Finally, I believe that I will success and have a high score of the IELTS.

This is all reason why I want to take the IELTS exam. [In the second paragraph, you explained how the IELTS has benefited you and how you'll prepare for the upcoming exam. But, overall, did you effectively answer the prompt? Although you covered importance, benefits, and preparation, you didn't provide enough examples to answer why you want to take the exam.]

Undergraduate / 'attracted by teacher's explaining' - A statment of purpose for teaching. [4]

Although you've written a touching essay overall, you could improve it by adding details and elaborating your ideas.

I always remember when I was a little boy at the first grade. I was attracted by the teacher and his way in explaining.[Combine these sentences.] When he asked us what we want to be when we grow up, I found no other job to say than I want to be like him. It was not because I didn't know other professions, but because I felt there is no other job like teaching kids. [What experiences influenced you to feel this way about teaching? Why was it so important to you?] I grow up with this dream and I met different kind of teachers till I graduated in the university. [What happened after graduation?]

Though some teachers aren't good enough to me and my class mates, I have never felt teaching is unworthiness.

This ambition pushed me to teach before even having my B.A.[What ambition?]

[These two sentences are awkwardly positioned in the paragraph. You could create new sentences around these two to help your ideas flow.]

[Insert one or two sentences here to transition into and explain recent events; for example, how did you finally end up achieving your dream of becoming a teacher?] I have been teaching kids and teenagers in private sector for more than three years now and even if it is a bit different of what I was thinking, I love it and I find it the job in which I can help people and contribute in building our society. [Why do you love it and how does it enable you to help others?]

Knowing about the concour [What is this and how does it relate to your profession as a teacher?] , I find it a good opportunity to me to join public schools where I can share my experience and benefit students from different social classes from my experience and contribute to the goodness of our nation. [How does it help you share your experiences and enrich other peoples' lives? Furthermore, elaborate on what you mean by "goodness of our nation."]

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Comment on the essay in its entirety...

Well, the essay as a whole has personal and introspective qualities, which some may classify as philosophical. But the way you've chosen to present and organize your ideas inhibits the paper from effectively communicating them to the reader. Although undeveloped, your essay still has the potential to be amazing.

Further refinement is suggested.

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: 1 and 2 (How I found myself & overcame depression) [12]

Hi, what is the word limit for each essay?

Essays / career goalsand/What role the University Motto & Honor Code will play- QUEENS UNI [5]

How will you contribute to the college community, and how will the university's motto and honor system affect you?

Well, for starters, you could research its community, motto, and honor system. Gathering information and writing down your thoughts will more than likely inspire you.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

The questions asked in your essay aren't cliche since they're not common phrases that have been overused. "Curiosity killed the cat" and "Moments of truth" are cliche.

I suggested this format because you needed a creative way of answering the prompt, and I felt this arrangement would successfully accomplish that goal. Of course, my suggestions are merely suggestions; it's entirely up to you on how you want to construct your essay.

By the way, I don't mind whether you use my questions. But you'll benefit a lot more if you create your own. =)

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

You could, but who knows whether the founding fathers' wives contributed anything. They also experienced turmoils and anxieties similar to their husbands. Nonetheless, do you think this could strengthen your essay? If so, fashion an introduction and have us critique it.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Are you sure the link is correct? "Page not found."

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


Ask yourself this question: Am I writing from my heart or writing what I think they want to hear? If it's the latter, then your essay may sound disingenuous.

Furthermore, did you review their judging criteria? As you write your essay, try to follow these guidelines:


Suggestions for this and other drafts:

1) Talk more about the founding fathers than on individuals who were affected by them. On the other hand, you want to thank them for their historic contributions and profound effects on individuals in the 20th century. Whatever you ultimately decide, keep your essay concise and focused.

2) Be specific. Consider adding concrete details such as events, discussions, and debates.

3) Maintain the rhetorical effect of asking questions or making statements between paragraphs.

4) If you want to change your essay, you could think of other ways of communicating with the founders. (Your current essay speaks to them through spirit.)

5) Writing tip: First write down all the things that you want to tell the founding fathers and, then, create an outline supporting those statements. This will help you structure your essay. By the way, the winning essay has an average of 14 words per paragraph. Space is limited, so make sure every word counts.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


You're a good writer for someone your age! I don't work on the committee that selects the winners, so I can't say. But your essay needs further refinement. Ask your parents and teachers to read your drafts too. They can provide you with additional comments that'll steer you in the right direction quickly. As I always say, it's best to have as many people as possible critique one's essay.


Write what's relevant to the theme of your paper. I'll give you an example of what I mean.

Before this excerpt,


you wrote this statement:


How do these two statements support each other? What's the connection between the founders and the Statue of Liberty? How does it strengthen the bonds of human rights, equality, and freedom in America? There's ambiguity here. It's important that your ideas connect to one another logically and concisely while developing the overall theme. Review your last two drafts with such questions in mind.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I was on jury duty with limited access to the internet. *frown* Just got home. I'll give you a proper reply soon!

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


You shouldn't depend solely on my opinions of your paper, and it's unnecessary to quantify the awesomeness of your essay.


It's true that the Statue of Liberty symbolizes freedom and prosperity, but you didn't note its connection to the founding fathers. How did the founding fathers enter your mind as you gazed at the Statue of Liberty? Point is, what is the connective relationship between the two? The reader may not pick up on what was intentionally implied by the writer.


Essay titled #1 did an adequate job of doing this.


Whether you decide to use rhetorical questions or stylistically repetitive statements, everything should at least be consistent throughout the essay. I like your voice in this essay.


Essay #1 is much better. It has dates, places, and names that the previous essay lacked. In a way, adding such fine details strengthens your essay. Two of the guidelines are "Knowledge of Theme' and "Clarity of Ideas," and providing such information conveys both insight and research. (Your ideas can be more easily understood.)

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

There are good qualities in both essays. That doesn't mean it's impossible to combine them into one unified essay. Can't wait to read your next one!

Not sure. They haven't responded yet. We'll see soon!

EDIT:

You wanted me to use the guidelines to quantify your essay, right? I misunderstood.

If I had to judge your essay, my scores would be the following:

Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points : You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

10

Theme development is worth 35 points : Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

15

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points : Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

15

Total Poitns: 40

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Drafts are nothing to be ashamed of. Although that was an assessment of your original essay, please don't be overly critical. We're still working on your drafts, so It'll only improve with time! Remember to craft your essay according to the guidelines.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

You took a lot of good things out, which consequently changed the essay's flow and style. Try to make changes on the last draft. It was good.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

... I already provided a critique for that one. But it's no problem.

Carlos, I'll provide another critique after lunch. In the meantime, maybe you can use this critique to improve upon the most recent draft.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Whenever you post drafts, please space it out to make critiquing easier. Also, please review every critique closely (ensure that they are transferred onto future drafts). Work out the suggestions methodically and, then, try to implement new revisions. Writers accomplish more by thoroughly editing their drafts than by re-submitting the same draft with only minor changes. Doing the latter is a tedious process.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

There are a number of questionable grammatical and syntactical choices, but I'll go ahead and provide an assessment. ** Please keep in mind that I'm not the one who awards the prizes, so don't put too much faith in my scores. **

Here's a revised score for this essay:

Knowledge of the theme is worth 30 points: You must show a thorough knowledge of the theme in your work. Demonstrate you have researched the issue extensively.

20

Theme development is worth 35 points: Answer all relevant facts about the theme such as the who, what, where, when and why. Relate the theme to your own experiences.

25

Clarity of ideas is worth 35 points: Write your essay in an easy-to-understand format. Leave your reader with a clear understanding of your explanation of the theme.

22

Total Points: 67

Essays / International relations and liberalism and realism [7]

Well, does anything in particular from those texts catch your interest?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Kyle, I've been busy this week. I have time now to proofread your recent draft; I'll post it later this evening.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


I'm not writing any essays now, but I'll keep your thoughts in mind. Thank you for the offer! I was at the Supreme Court earlier today to hear the ruling on President Obama's ACA

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

The individual mandate was deemed unconstitutional under the Commerce Clause; however, it's constitutionality permissible under the tax provisions. So, from what I understand, Americans will be taxed for not having health insurance. I sat there wondering, "Wait, how can Congress tax Americans for not buying something, especially if it's something Congress wants them to buy?"

Admittedly, Congress has the power to regulate commerce and incentivize people to behave a certain way, but it's wrong for them to coerce individuals through taxation (in my opinion). Plus, there's also the issue of its passage into law. In 2010, our representatives were under the impression that it wasn't a tax bill, so it "skipped" senatorial oversight.

*cue suspense music*

And although Congress can impose taxes to raise revenue, the bigger question remains: is it okay to tax (i.e., "penalize") people who don't want health insurance?

In addition, what is the role of government in our lives?

Can't wait to see how this issue plays out. Personally, the ACA doesn't affect me because I have health insurance. I enjoy hearing the debates, though. In my opinion, I think there's a better approach to health care reform.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


That seems to be the majority opinion. Democratic representatives, however, are merely celebrating. Most of them have chosen to disregard your argument. Perhaps they're protecting the president's reputation in this year's election cycle? One democratic representative, Rep. Chaka Fattah, argued that the penalty for not buying health insurance is the same as paying for a speeding ticket. I disagree: a speeding ticket doesn't tax people for not purchasing a product, the ACA does.


That concern may manifest in 2016. The idea behind this legislation is that involving everyone will lower the cost of health care, including insurance premiums; thereby alleviating the burden of having to pay for the uninsured. Supposedly, for this to work, Congress must compel the participation of people with pre-existing conditions as well as people without PEC. The abundance of healthier people participating in the exchange program will offset the increased costs of health care that people with pre-existing conditions would normally experience.

If your parents want to analyze the application of a similar bill, Governor Romney enacted one in his own state. Now was it effective at lowering premiums? Not really, but it did slow down rising costs of health care marginally. But implementing a similar plan at the national level may be a different story.


Your meaning wasn't clear in that context. Wigged can be a verb as well. Nevertheless, it's inconsequential information that doesn't help your paper.


[I commend you for working so hard on your essay. But with all the drafts you've written so far, you can combine bits and pieces to craft an effective essay. Would you be willing to try that?]

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


Based on images found in history textbooks, many young Americans mistakenly view our founding fathers as outlandish men who wore powdered wigs. To me, however, they symbolize much more. These deep, spiritual thinkers struggled to build the very foundations of America and instill the principles of freedom and liberty in its citizens. As a result of their actions, they affected not only Americans, but also millions, if not billions of people worldwide. Our founding fathers epitomize the greatest beacon of hope humanity has ever known, and may ever know.

[What do you think about this revised version of your original paragraph?]

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

In the areas you changed, you used the incorrect tense. Just a heads up.

I mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again. You could combine bits and pieces of your previous drafts to create a compelling essay.

By the way, did you craft an outline before writing this draft?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the deadline is in November. No rush, right?

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

That's a productive use of your time!

I have an idea to make this process much easier for both of us. Well, to be honest, it'll make things easier for me.

If you give me your e-mail address, from now on I'll e-mail you the critiques in MS Word. (It has a helpful "track changes" function.)

Post your drafts here, and then I'll e-mail you the edits. We'll still have our discussions in the forum, though.

Let me know what you think.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

Great. I'll wait for your draft then.

Take your time.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

I've finished the critique and edits for this draft. I want other members to see what we're doing, though. Too bad we can't attach documents here.

Copied and pasted my comments to help others.

Please use "track changes" to review the document I sent you.

Nice job with the essay! It's much better, at least to me.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]


I was using a browser that didn't show it. Thanks for letting me know.


We usually send two to ensure delivery. They're the same document.


I recommend spending more time on revising your drafts. Check it slowly.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

You could describe it as an organization. But I'm not here to represent that company.

Great. Remember to take your time.

Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

By the way, we are not allowed to attach MS Word documents. Only images.

Undergraduate / UCAS essay - economic and financial problems [5]

Attached images with the edits.

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