Undergraduate / 'At the age of twelve, I became a self-conscious child' Biographical essay [2]

We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)

I spend 12 hours on this essay, yet i found it lacking a thesis, or perhaps a good conclusion. I may need as much critic as possible

At the age of twelve, I became a self-conscious child; I began to wonder about myself, regarding my future, my spouse and my dreams. Back then the majority of my parents' time was used regarding their work; even my youngest sister, who was four, was taken care of by a full-time babysitter. We never actually did something together unless it was a very special occasion; so if there was anything I didn't have, it wouldn't be time to play around. I was always outside gathering with my "pack", and I was the leader. I became a leader for a very simple reason: I was the boldest; I was always the first one to take any action on the team, like the first to break a glass and the first to run away.

A year later, my parents got a divorce; and to be perfectly honest, I did not feel any sadness, nor did I shed any tears. At the day we went to court, the judge asked whether if I and my sisters wanted to be with mom or dad, I had no idea how to answer that question since I wasn't prepared, but since my sister had chosen to be with mom, we all followed her step. It didn't make any different actually; today I can choose to sleep in my mom's house, and tomorrow I can stay in my dad's, as long as I don't miss school. It's like there is a very deep level of trust within the family, no matter what happens, nothing can ever convulse the bond between us. Also as Asians, we rarely express love verbally; somehow, maybe it's the language, we think it's abashing.

Maybe it was because my father wanted to boast about his wealth, like many Asians back then, I was sent to Singapore at the age of fourteen to study. The trip was completely unpredictable and unprecedented. I had to rent my own place, and had to live alone ,without any help or knowledge of other language but Vietnamese, in a country where people either are bilingual, trilingual or quadrilingual ï the official languages of Singapore are Malay, Tamil, English and Mandarin, even Cantonese is used just as much as English. It was harsh for a fourteen year old but I came through, perhaps because I was trained for independency from my parents at the younger age, or perhaps the money sent by my father was more than enough. It took me sometimes just to learn some English, enough for communication, and to pick up the Singaporean's accent along the way. The time I was in Singapore wasn't long, only 9 months, I didn't even had a chance to finish my school year because I had to come back to Vietnam, and be ready for another country.

A year later, my family came to the United States. My father did not come with us since he's now married to a Vietnamese lady, and has 2 new sons with the same first name as mine. I started my high school freshman year in Brandon, Mississippi. Even after exposed to 2 different educational systems, I wasn't ready for the third, so I left the subject selection process to my counselor. Miraculously and unexpectedly, I had Aces for all of my classes except English. Then came my sophomore year in Louisiana and my junior year in Washington State. I did well in school, and had no problem with everyone around me; yet, something was bothering me a lot the whole time, even until now.

Outside, I'm like a slow river, peaceful and gentle; while inside, I'm a trembling volcano waiting to explode; the blazing magma keeps on accumulating as my thoughts cache. I began to wonder about myself as the dramatic changes in me gradually came to realization. I'd become different from the vast majority of kids of a similar age; I speak less, do more, and think many. I now enjoy knowledge, especially in finance, and politics; while many of my friends curious about sexuality and unfortunate of others. My social life is good, but it has never been great because I and my friends have little in common. Our conversations always stop at leading music bands or latest movies, never actually come to things I love, because it's too far off from the rest of my friends'.

I do realize that my life had been different from most of my friends, and that makes me, for the lack of better word, older than they are. The fact remains true: a different life gave me more advantages and insights than most people. Yet I do not have all the answer to the questions that life proposed, but now I can see blurry picture of my future; and it is enough for me to clear all the challenges ahead of me.

Undergraduate / Contaminated Water: You experienced failure. How did it affect you? [3]

Need 50 words cut
The new commonapp increased limit to 650 words.
Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?

This is the new version that combine both of your contribution to the essay. I wonder if dumi willing to look at it again. I like your writing style. I know there are many unnecessary details but i was going for funny - i hope i have achieved it.

i think my ending definitely need work on but i've been thinking for days now without new details to add

For as long as I can remember, Vietnam's water supply has been contaminated with pathogens from daily uses, insecticides and herbicides from agriculture rich central regions, and VOCs from commercial manufacturing. At eleven, I was carefree innocent lad who drank water from the first tap in vicinity despite my parent's constant warning about the danger. This habit often got me on hospital bed and at every such time my mother used to tell that loafers have built a chocolate house in my stomach. Only now that I understand what she meant.

I was sent to Singapore that year as an au pair. The Singaporean family prided themselves with "a drinkable toilet system." I thought they were just teasing me until one of them flushed the water and drank from it. My friends had a loo dedicated solely to drinking in the corner of the house. They said the first and most important lesson of coming to Singapore was the daily water supply is drinkable. Young Tri had found gold! I'm going to be rich, I naĂŻvely thought to myself.

"Why do you bother with that?"
"Because I'm going to change lives."

Over two weeks of repeatedly telephoning the Public Utilities Board (PUB), and after two irritated call receptionists, I familiarized myself with the water supply system. Singapore had the so-called "four national taps," an abbreviation for four different water supplies: rainfall, seawater, reclaimed, and imported water.

"Its main goal was to reduce reliance on supply from Malaysia."
"Which one is going to make me rich?"
"Ah. Pardon?"
"Which one can I bring to my country to make clean water?"
"I think you're talking about the NEWater."

And I hung up. A minute later, the phone at the PUB office rang again
"What's NEWater?"

After the prolonged phone call, I felt like all the English vocabulary I learned was knocked out of me. The new language was difficult, listening to those scientific terms was even more daunting; but it did not stop me from seeking my fortune. The next day I found myself reciting the NEWater process while enjoying a mouthful of clean water during in shower.

"Reclamation starts with used water going through microfiltration to, ah, remove suspended solids and disease-causing bacteria. Then during, ah, reverse osmosis, a semi-permeable membrane filters out, ah, contaminants such as heavy metal and pesticides..."

Of course, there was no way I could have understood any of that, so I called again, this time asking for an appointment. Probably because of the frustrations I caused the receptionists over the past two months that PUB accepted my request to see the Kranji Water Reclamation Plant (WRP) without question. Little did I know that I had arranged the end of my ambition.

It was peculiarly cloudy for non-monsoon season day. I was at the Kranji MRT station at 8 a.m. and my appointment was at 10 a.m. Success was near. My first glance at the plant was much different from my imagination. Water pipes were carefully hidden underground and the purification process happened inside the factory, leaving only sixteen enormous water tanks in sight. Deeper in the bowel of the WRP were pipelines of all kinds. Everything was too overwhelming for a thirteen year old boy; and my bubble burst.

It started with me understanding the process of water reclamation, then the meeting with the director of PUB, showing me how the water plants were built. Unless the Singaporeans used Zimbabwean dollar, there were no way I could had have five-hundred millions dollars, the one flaw to the otherwise perfect plan.

Even now, my friends from Singapore still ask me how rich I am now or if I am drinking toilet water. The toilet experience probably is the most embarrassing memory I have. I will never forget it for it has taught me the most important lesson of life: I was blind because I wanted to be blind.

Undergraduate / It was yelling, It was directing, And it was creating; What's important to you why? [3]

CommonApp Short Answer - Elaborate extracirricular activivy or job.
need 10 characters cut

It was yelling. It was directing. And it was creating. Being a major client to many construction companies, my father spent most of his time away from home. Thus, as the oldest family member, I was to be in charge of many important matters including supervising our new house construction site. In the first month, everything seems messy and bewildering; but soon I grasped the language. I learned to coordinate team members, to improvise needed tools, and to schedule meetings with contractors' representatives. Communication skills were essential. I also became aware of community relations as it became more and more important; merchants started to write IOUs and workers voluntarily delayed salary. Furthermore, I was deeply astonished by members' devotion and volunteerism for they went to incredible extent to help our family succeed. Like my father said, "not a dime was earned, but what learned was beyond belief," I want to go to college to attain more knowledge and to keep building more and more.

What matters to you, and why?
need 300 characters cut, anywhere you can

At the end of my junior year, my family's balance sheet had found its way back to the crossroad of positive and negative numbers. In this state of emergency, my family of four children and a single mother had to make immediate cutbacks in almost all of its expenditures. Summer was at the corner, and to us it meant no more free school meals and thus no longer being able to save on the cost of food. I began to feel helpless. Of course I thought about getting a job but the speed of the legal process for immigrants was much less than a farce. At one night, I came into my mother's room and locked the door. Twelve hours and many tears later, I was gone. I knew I had to be strong in order to survive that summer, and I knew my decision had caused her much sadness, but I also knew that we had no other choice. With a fat backpack and fifty dollars in my pocket, I took a road trip into the unknown.

At first, I found myself looking through the glass window of Altura, the most expensive restaurant in Seattle. Ten days later, I was in the infamous Tanderloin of San Francisco, home of the top seven crime plots in the region, homelessness and social disarray. And then, it hit me like an epiphany.

There was a robbery in progress, but I made no attempt to help, nor did I even move my legs. My eyes followed the criminal's every move but every muscle of my body was frozen in place, leaving my mind to concentrate on a much more significant matter: making sense out of "it". It was poverty. It was wealth. It was political corruption and social disparity. It was a moment of sudden realization and self-actualization. At that moment, I began to comprehend the reasons of my existence. I exist to fight inequality.

I love America. I love its people and their patriotism, their absolute trust in the Constitution. But the responsibility for my home country is far greater than my love. In Vietnam, political corruption is a part of our daily lives. Nobody bothers enough to have the parking tickets printed since we can just pull them right out of our pockets. I want to study democracy and become a lawyer. I want to study finance and become a banker. I want to be in whatever profession that will place me in the core political corruption and inequality, capable of transforming politics of my Vietnam, bringing justice to those who need them, and those who deserve them.

Undergraduate / I not yet have a tree to give fruits but my heart; Personal Statement for college [2]

Legend says that thousands of years ago, Monkey King, or "Sun Wukong," was a strange creature that wanted immortality. With the help of his companions, he learned spells of transformation and achieved eternal life. Instead of abusing his perpetuity for selfish accounts, he successfully retrieved sacred sutras from Buddha in India and restored balance to the world. At least that is how the story goes.

Thousands of years later, I, "Sun Wukong," as my family called me, still wonder which part of the hundred chapter book wrapped me up night after night. Perhaps I imagined infinite possibilities with spell casting. Or perhaps I was intrigued by the concept of immortality. Maybe it was the innate desire to preserve and restore the equilibrium between right and wrong, rich and poor, justice and injustice. Regardless, Monkey King is a sterling title to hold, one I would never renounce.

I still reread the story time after time; it reminds me of my marvelous childhood. It is a combination of sweet goodnight stories and the bitter recklessness of an imprudent teenager. The adventures reveal another plane of thought, just like the sun evokes warmth. As the story unfolds, I often reflect upon myself. I imagine what if every spell is a lesson learned? What if immortality is my success, then, what will me my sutra? Will it be just another dream crushed and ambition unfulfilled? Or will it be the extraordinary life of a freedom fighter? I am unsure. But if I am to change the world, I have to be strong, focus, and ready for whatever crosses my path. I have to learn.

It only took the Great King one somersault to travel fifty-four-thousand kilometers, but he walked to the temple of Mandala to show his sincerity. It is unlikely that there will be a shortcut on my path, and I will have to make my own way. I am ready. Every pain he suffered is like my struggles to provide my family with relief from the economic burdens that trouble us. And every tribulation he faced is an experience that strengthens me. My father often told me that, "man is immortalized by what he leaves behind in this world, and the fruits of all his tedious feats." If Buddha has eyes, and if I am truly worthy, he will help me. Although I never did see the true king, his story traveled from Vietnam to America with me. It is my literal root, my main connection to my past. Contemplating upon the sutras, I come to realize that I can either choose a path of the immortal king, and strike for more, or a path of a different Wukong that might have wasted his power. He and I, we are not too different. Even though he was the most glamorous character in the story, he could not succeed without his companions; like I always have my friends and family with me. My legacy is also expanding, giving more to the world with each passing day.

When I read the Monkey King many years ago, he immortalized himself in my heart. Surely, the inspiration became strong. But what will become of the new King? I am still growing, and am making my way to my sutras. Although the scrolls sense marvelous success, they are not fully crafted, I need more time. My future lies before me, and I have decided to one day rejoin my story and my kingdom in Vietnam, providing a new taste of equality to a corrupted nation.

Writing Feedback / "I'm not going to lie, I'm a liar" - my best lie yet is lying about lying [4]

Skim it first. I need to know if there is any possible confusion to further clarify.
My ending is weak. As of now, let's assume there is no word limit

I'm not going to lie, I'm a liar. Who would people trust really? A liar who tells the world that he is a liar or a liar who would just lie to the world? Although I am certain that I am not a pro, I do practice every day. I usually wake up at 6 am on a school day to take nice a long shower until the bell rings, then I would just show up to hand over a self-signed excuse note from my mother. I often hide my sister's cellphone in a hidden front pocket so she will not know where to look. The joke is pretty serious until the phone vibrates.

But in my defense, my lies never hurt anyone. They are only designed to make my life witty and others' miserable. Sometimes the victims laugh, other times, "nuh-uh," but either way I would continue the game. What is life without whimsy? In my lying career, I never get to understand why my best trick only applies to me. I have been very successful at fooling myself into believing what I "ought to" feel and think. I can simply regulate my heart rate and focus on the specific aspect of situation I am currently in to distort my own arithmetic. I love to go on Facebook to tell the world how much I despite sentiments, even though in my heart, passion is true. My disguise so far is absolute. Even my sisters cannot tell which of my feelings are true. All they ever see is a strong and cold-hearted brother who hides under the cloak of an erratic man. I guess my deception has three layers, and whatever properties of the third, I am not ready to know.

Simply put, I am a big fan of homeostasis. Thus, I do not like my flimsy string of the state to be threatened by some imprudent warmth. I would rather bury my undeniable feelings under a soulless mask than to expose them and let me and people around me hurt. In a way, I fear that emotions may get the better of me. Like every members of my family, I have responsibilities. Trusted in me, as the eldest son of the alpha member of the family tree, are tasks of connecting and uniting members, bringing them together regardless of flood and storm. My father, who is very successful at his tasks, is not known for love and affection, and I, as his son, am not planning on breaking traditions.

I lie, but all my lies are truths. My lies are the kinds of lawyers' lies, by omission. I have emotions, but it does not mean I have to show them. Self-deception makes me feel better about myself, that logic will always makes my decision wise, and believe that whatever happens next, it will be alright. I can fight bravely for whatever happens outside but act very humble for those of the inside. I lie because I feel weak. I lie because at 11 pm my mother has to be at work and nobody but her own son makes her a cup of coffee at 7 am the next day. If I grow up to be forceless, what kind of son would I be? Logic, for all I know, can dictate my actions as long as nobody has a chance to hurt my family. There are always grains of truth in every lie; I just find it easier to ignore them. But so does everyone else. I figured the best way to know somebody is through his lies - my best lie yet is lying about lying.

Undergraduate / I am scared; There is a tornado outside Toronto airport! [3]

I am scare. There is a tornado outside this airport café that makes me feel like if I step outside just for a second, I would be locked into it for the rest of my life. Say, in a normal world, where existentialism and individuality mean going to college and having a good job, where the biggest of all ambition is to climb the corporate ladder and truest happiness of life is to be with the loved ones, then I am far from normal. I have forgotten normalcy many years ago when stability left my family.

The idea is that life starts at conception and ends at death, whatever memories made in between and left behind are whatever left of us. I just want to know what will be left of me. I want to know that I mean something. I want lives to change just because I exist. And I do not want to be in the tornado and follow a circular motion of life. I do not want to think that when it is about to be over, when my life is about to ceased to exist, and I am to be dropped on the ground, I will learn that I was so scared in the process that I did nothing but closing my eye and hoping for the best. I want to be able to open my eyes and fight to the last breath. I want to dream that tornado to be a waterspout, that even in the fiercest of moments, I enjoy the prettiest of settings, where fishes are swimming on the edge of the vortex, and on the other side of the water wall, the scenario is distorted in every possible way. I want to know that even in the impossible dream, I am unique.

But I am nineteen now; dream time is over. Sooner or later I will have to walk out of this airport and face the monster. And no matters how much I try to delay, no matters how much I wish the ground to be a body of water, the tornado is always there, dry as a bone. Like many, I think many, want many, and dream even many more, but I do little. Partly because I do not know what to do; what there is to do when I cannot even find a shelter of my own, when I am the lightest of all feathers and most humble of mind? Strength is just another dream; to be able to hang on something even in scariest of weather and know that I am safe, to be able to know that loved ones are protected against toughest storms. But I do not feel safe, and loved ones are not protected. I am weak, and my mother is compensating. It is all because I am not doing enough. How much is enough really, to matter, to change lives, to have meaning, and simply to protect and to serve? I cannot tell but I do realize that figuring it all out at once is impossible. I just need a little more time and idea.

Although I know for a fact that I am not strong enough, I have no any other choice but to get out there and face the monster. Chances are I will lose, and it will consume me, but I would like to push my luck. I need to know that in the future, at the last moment, on my bed, I will be glad I gave it my best shot. Hiding is obviously no longer an option. Now, with nothing to lose, I have the strength and bravery of a desperate man. The battle of my life is about to be unfolded and I still have no idea what to do, but it is too late now because it is the last call for the flight back to Seattle.

Undergraduate / Son, daughter, grandchild, I have none; - Blueprint for the future [6]

Cut if necessary, add if needed. I have 30 more words to meet the word limits. Enjoy ^^

I wrote an essay. It was the perfect one. It represented everything I had been thinking since forever ago. I could recall right before I wrote it, I had a fight with somebody about something, and by the time I finished writing, I was not angry anymore. I supposed only during emotional disarray that we can speak "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." But no! It was almost impossible for the rest of the world to understand. To them, I was just speaking Klingon; Coon wrote it, nerds spoke it, and the commonness thought it was just silly. I could blame my halfway English. I could blame egocentrism. I could blame just about anything and everything for the essay's disorientation, but I could not change the fact that nobody but me understands the essay is as smooth as it can be.

It is just another challenge I posed to the world. Another thought that goes against everything society is about. Another piece of writing that is waiting to be forgotten and buried so deep that it will just disappear the moment my hard drive is no more. But I love it. It makes perfect sense to me. It reminds me that everyone has a role in society, in which my life is just following an inevitable circular motion of life, from birth to death and oblivion. It is my fortune teller. It describes the path that I will take and end. Chances are I will have a house, a family, a loving wife who will give me many children. I will go to work from seven to five and at night, I will have my sons and daughters in my arm, telling them that everything I do I do it for them. Soon enough, I will become a version of my own essay - gone. Do not get me wrong! I want that life. It is much better than what I am having right now. I have no house, no job, no stability, and being a rationalist, I cannot feed on faith in my own future. The essay reminds me that I have a lot to work for.

But if the fortune teller is right, that a median life is everything I will have, and then the piece is only half-fulfilled. My illusion does not stop at a pretty life, in which I am a strict parent who expects his children to have everything he did not, and forces his will on a son who is not ready. My vision expands far beyond my family, my friends, and strangers on the street. It touches the other side of the universe. In my dream, a kid in Africa was eating his food and smiling at me, constructions was rising in the suburb, and New York had brought the whole city under the ground, leaving only amusement parks on the green hills and those flourishing mountains beyond. Nothing is farfetched if they are possible. Still, I am just one man, achieving wildest human dreams is just romantic. But I realize that I need to do something. I want to put an effort into making this world a better place, where I will be able to look at my grandchildren in their eyes, teaching them that everyone has a role in society and it is their turn to find their own.

Son, daughter, grandchild, I have none. All I have is about fifteen kilobytes of work that probably nobody will be able to understand. But it is cool. Nobody is supposed to understand because it is the blueprint of my future, and it is fully mapped. What I have to do now is to follow it as closely as I can.

Undergraduate / I have just finished the Lion King a moment ago ; meaningful movie - Columbia [5]

I have just finished the Lion King a moment ago and suddenly the connections are made. The elephant graveyard, the Pride Rock, America, Vietnam; they all make perfect sense now. I can recall very clearly many years ago my father warned us not to come to America, a strange place far from home and free from any of his protection. But because of seduction from my step-father, promising something of an American dream, my family left. Soon enough, Scar showed his true face. In America our family had no power like the king's for him to extort; instead he had his eyes on my eleven year old sister. Fortunately, I found out one night when everyone but him was asleep. And we were on the run the next day. Through many states, from the Mississippi south to the Seattle northwest, we are still running. Hakuna Matata, "No Worries," is our motto. We still believe that as long as all of us survive, together, we have the future by our sides. But with every blight comes a blessing. In the new land, Simba met Simon and Pumba like we met many good friends who helped us got through the day, who gave my mother and sister jobs to live by. After the movie ends, the words of Mufasa, "Remember who you are," continues to haunt me. Growing up a far from my Pride Rock reminds me that I still have a father waiting for me to be his son and two little brothers who eagerly urge me to show them "that-awesome-movie-about-me." The struggles of my family never cease to end and my mother is not getting any younger. Like Simba, I must one day go back to my country and create a life all of us wanted; a simple life in the Circle of Life.

Please tell both positive and negative.

Undergraduate / CommonApp - extracirricular activities and extenuating circumstances grammar check [3]

If there is anything that you'd phrase it differently, please do so as i will put it to consideration. Thank you very much for helping.

Details, honors, and accomplishments
I joined wrestling in order to spend my time more wisely. Although a new member, I received 3rd place in an interschool meet.
Details, honors, and accomplishments
Joining tennis team was one of my attempt to assimilate to American culture.
Details, honors, and accomplishments
I received an invitation by a teacher and tempted to make new friends and give back to community. NHS was probably one of the best club i ever joined.

Details, honors, and accomplishments
I proudly say that I am a member of Mu Alpha Theta. The club not only funded my 2 trips to national but also gave me a chance to win 15th place Gemini

Details, honors, and accomplishments
I'd never imagined myself doing Robotics and asked to be in St. Louis for International meet, but I did. The generous FIRST funded my trips twice.

Details, honors, and accomplishments
I believe this is a full time responsibility; not for a day that I dare to ignore such privilege to be a son and brother.

Details, honors, and accomplishments
Playing chess is one of my passion. It's a mind game with infinite strategic moves. Quiet time playing chess keeps my head thinking.
Details, honors, and accomplishments
I was denied of my chance to go to regional and state because of my financial hardship. Hopefully the situation will chance when I go to college.

Details, honors, and accomplishments
I have always wanted to be in business like my father, that's why I joined DECA. I received 4rd place award in Bus. Finance at regional. Went to state

Details, honors, and accomplishments
In my free time, I usually offer free mentoring for students who are struggling in math. I often make new friends and learn new method of solving prob

Please provide an answer below if you wish to provide details of circumstances or qualifications not reflected in the application.

I apologize for the lack of proper English in the extracurricular activities section; there is a character limit on how much I can type in. Of course, I am not here just to state the obvious. I am here to add a few details that I wish the admission office to know and are not stated in my application.

As I understand, colleges are looking for students who know how to take opportunities that are presented to them, meaning who have taken a lot of Advance Placements and IB Classes. I would like to say that I did not know that there are such classes four years ago when I came to America. I thought that doing well in whatever classes "were chosen" for me was enough; I had no English communication skills. And even when I found out that there were, the names intimidated me because everyone said they are only for the gifted. I took only one AP History during my junior year and found out that AP classes are manageable. Then, I took all other AP classes my school had to offer with the exception of English since we had an unweight GPA system; another B would not be wise after my junior year incident. Highline is a town school and it does not have a lot of advance classes.

After graduation, I took a gap year because of financial hardship presented to our family. We had no way of paying for my college tuition and the only way my sister went to college is that her school, belongs to one of the top, has a need-based financial aid.

I understand that the Admission Office has other applicants to be considered. Thus I would like to conclude my extenuating circumstances section. Thank you very much for consideration.