Undergraduate / 'a woman on the run' - College Personal Statement for Common App [2]

The message of the first is very good, and the anecdotes really personalize the topic, but I prefer the second topic, especially the last line. 'with uncompromised [sic] determination and striving for nothing less than my best,' though a bit braggy, is powerful and revealing about your personality. Two things about that particular sentence: 'uncompromised' should be changed to 'uncompromising', and 'As I complete the project, I approach each task the same way' should be changed to 'As I complete the project, I approach the finishing tasks the same way".

Very well done though.

Undergraduate / 'Ideal school / Taiwan professor / Self-employed / Learning' - Syracuse Supplements [2]

The short answer that shows the most concern, to me, is the first. I will summarize your response in less eloquent wording:
'I chose Syracuse because I did a college search of what I wanted and you guys popped up. Then I looked at your website and you were even more appealing in the most general ways.'

I'm sorry if that was mean, but when you tell a college what attracts you to their institution, you want to tell them specifics about that drew you to them over every other collegiate institution; say, if you are going there to be a biochemist, and they have great extracurriculars, exchange programs, and internships available for biochemistry, then you could definitely comment on that.

Just saying that they have a good educational environment and could challenge you is much too general. Though these are good foundations, you need to elaborate. Then, your short answer will be superb, and it is certainly on its way.

Undergraduate / 'an erhu' - Extracrricular activity essay for Common App [3]

Technical jargon is good in small amounts, but the esotericism of some of these words in the essay is staggering. And, they are very widespread throughout the short statement, which can be difficult for the reader. Application readers are not going to want to look up numerous words in the essay. It's good that you want to show how much you know about your instruments, but you need to be able to do that without complex wording.

In all, the last two sentences are solid; very simple, well written, and get to the point. However, the start is rocky and rather confusing. It sounds like you have an interesting time in this extracurricular, so show it, not tell it.

Undergraduate / Unlikely Role Model common app influential person [3]

I agree with root; you need to tell more about how Brock inspired you; be more specific than just talking about how his courage made you a stronger person. Show, not tell. Give an example about how you used what you learned from him.

It's well written though. Just needs a bit of modification.

Undergraduate / 'hard work can pay off and be so rewarding' semester at sea entrance essay [4]

I know you are no longer using this essay, but if you are having trouble starting another, I always found that starting off with a mystery is very interesting.

What I mean is, you describe vaguely a subject in an interesting way, then become more descriptive, then reveal what the subject actually is.
I love reading those essays.

Undergraduate / 'they can be giants one day' - common app essay [3]

At first, there were merely stares.Surrounded by this group , I stood still on the soccer pitch at the Olympic Sports Center, speechless. I had found myself face to face with China's first official Dwarf Soccer Team, a squad of sixteen players in their mid-20s, each standing about 1.3 meters tall.

At the time, I was in charge of the Beijing Teenage Press of the London 2012 Olympics, a journalism club organized by my school, hoping to explore the differences between the Beijing and London Olympics first-hand . Owing toDue to unexpected visa issues, however, we were unable to travel to the Games. Therefore I redesigned the program as a series of interviews in Beijing. Slated to appear on Beijing Mobile TVs in city buses, the interviews would be a way for Beijingers to express their views on the London games.from all walks of life to deliver their blessings to London . One of these interviews was scheduled with China's Dwarf Soccer Team; I had never expected that, in just one short day, I would learn a lesson about life that I'll never forget.

After a quick warm-up with them, they seemed to accept me as a companion. We sat on the pitch and started to talk. Off the pitch, they work as shadow play actors. And they formed this team due tobecause of their shared love for soccer. "We had played soccer at the parking lot of the shadow play theatre for a year. Later, Coach Xu noticed us and decided to form us into a real team. We started systematic training on the pitch of Tsinghua University," said Peng, the captain of the team. On weekends, they gathered at the Gold Soccer Boy's Club at Olympic Sports Center. Because they are of a similar heightwith as children, they hold friendly matches every Saturday to help children players improve as ideal training partnerstheir abilities . "There are many people who criticize Chinese soccer, but few do anything to make a difference. I think what we're doing is meaningful," You need to write who said this; you had, they smiled before; you can keep that general idea, but say [this person] smiled.

As I talked with them about their passion for soccer, I found that they loved to smile. But these were not sheepish smiles; they were the biggest and most confident smiles I have ever seen. I realized that they are not overwhelmed by physical limitations. They were instead what Mitch Albom might call "whole-hearted lovers of life" in Tuesdays with Morrie. "While I am on the pitch", Lin said, "I feel blessed to live my life to the fullest. Simply put, it's just the right thing to do." For them, happiness is the consequence of personal effort. They have fought for it and insisted upon it. However hard as their livesismay be , they have met it and lived it, lived it to the fulltheirs with perseverance and temerity . Within all the realm of life's choicelessness, We do choose how we shall live. They enabled me to deepen my awareness of what I have got , and inspired me, therefore, to enjoy a more meaningful life of purpose, passion and joy. A great life isn't handed to me, but starts with me, starts with discovering my values and my passions for life.

On the bus ride home I could not stop beaming. Their big brown eyes had sparked something inside of me, something I now see as passion for life. The dwarf soccer players are some of the most amazing, inspiring people I have ever met. They are dwarves, but I know they can be giants of life one day. I have faith in that.

--------------------------------------------
I think the focus of the essay is very spot on; there are a lot of grammatical errors, but the thematic portion of the essay is great, which is really what matters in the instance of college essays [though you should fix the grammar errors too]. Anyway, I'm not sure whether the essay is down to 500 words, but if you are struggling, take out unnecessary descriptive words, adjectives, and adverbs. They are generally flowery language that should be avoided. Succinct and laconic phrasing is preferred in these kind of essays.

But, good luck.

Undergraduate / CommonApp - '4 words that started a change' [4]

loner, silent, geeky, couch potato = 5 words
loner, silent, geeky, couch potato = 4 themes

That would be a definitive change you should make.

Undergraduate / 'Engineering and Ping Pong' - Georgia Tech Short Essay [3]

I have to agree with rxa0789; there is a somewhat garrulous aspect of your essay. You just seem to talk about events and a hobby you have had. Though ping-pong and Boeing are both interesting, when I opened up this prompt, the title seriously interested me. I was wondering how the two were connected. Then, when I read and realized they weren't connected, I became very disappointed. If you could somehow relate the two together in a way to answer the prompt, that would be a great essay.

However, if you cannot do that, then narrow down the focus and choose one of these events to elaborate on.

Writing Feedback / narrative essay : the wonderful annoucement [3]

It's obvious your first language is not English, but probably Vietnamese. What I would recommend is that you find a fluent English speaker to help you articulate your ideas.

You are obviously intelligent as you have a good fluency in the language, considering the grammar and such, but tense and structure are what you lack.

It's just that it's difficult to understand when reading. Either write the essay in your first language, and have a translator change it to English; or, have a translator go step by step with you to complete the essay in a coherent form.

Undergraduate / 'Asian among the white community' - PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

The anecdote beginning the essay is fantastic. Perfect voice, structure, and tense.
But, you are right; the essay is seemingly vague when it comes to talking about yourself.

You do a great job at telling how you have succumbed to social anxiety and jumped out of it, but you sort of use a Deus Ex Machina to end the essay. 'No specific incident broke down these walls I had up,' and then you are fixed miraculously in the next few sentences as though by divine powers or something.

If I were you, I would mention some event that you find particularly meaningful in helping you overcome, even if it seems innocuous and banal. In fact, if you have the coherence to recognize the power of a small moment, it will make your essay shine.

The essay is well-written in a language point-of-view, but in a content point-of-view, it is lacking on you.
You seem like a vibrant individual from your essay, but we need to be shown that vibrancy.
Good luck.

Undergraduate / I was given a writing prompt on 5 senses... [3]

I would have to say, smell. Of all the senses, it seems least essential and can be somewhat replaced by taste.
Taste can allow you to absorb the smell in a more sensational feeling.

Of course, you need sight, hearing, and touch. Sight so you can view the world, hearing so you can hear what beautiful noises it makes, touch so you can feel the experiences you have and physically remember them, and taste so you can lastingly remember your experiences.

If you want to choose a more harsh reality for your sense loss, choose touch, and write in a very lackadaisical fashion. Without being able to feel, it would be a state of eternal numbness, and that would be terrible.

Undergraduate / 'girl's varsity tennis team' - Common app short answer: extracurriculars [5]

Add some information about exercises you did that provided you with determination and such.

Undergraduate / U of Illinois essay! "past experiences" - for civil engg. Lego. [5]

I would recommend that you take out the part about what classes you took. These essays are supposed to reflect other aspects not reflected on your transcript. As you already have your transcript being sent to the school, these sentences are unnecessary.

Undergraduate / Sound and the Fury - How I view success. [4]

Thank you both. I have edited this essay, and am posting a new version. Now, I will go to your essays.

Kindness and Punishment
Incest! Incest, Quentin proclaimed in a boisterous plea for his father's ear. It was she and I, Quentin bemoaned. Mr. Compson rejected his son's dubious claims, determined to incriminate his daughter, Candace, to promiscuity around the town. She is the shame of the family, Mr. Compson declared, and she will not sully the Compson name further.

With just a brief image into the Southern opulence of the Compson family, William Faulkner's "The Sound and the Fury" presents an austere view on the highest social caste, and how the facade that the rich are better off is blurred and false. Of the Compson family, Quentin is depressed and suicidal, Mr. Compson is apathetic, Mrs. Compson is a hypochondriac, Benjamin is mentally-handicapped, Jason is tyrannical and narcissistic, Candace is promiscuous, and Miss Quentin is rebellious and deprave. An esoteric bunch, yet I would not expect them to be in a respected social standing, though they are. Ironically, I have found sanctuary and hope from their misdeeds and ignominy.

If you look at the Compson's servants, Dilsey and her children, Faulkner writes 'They endured' through their punishment and hardships, whilst the Compsons all died away. I take away a certain driving factor, a crucial role for me, that hard-work and trial are rewarded with endurance and inexorability in the face of sickening adversity, while social status and resources will not necessarily benefit an individual. I look upon my own lack of resources as a boon. It makes the trials of my life meaningful, that I knowingly can conquer them, whereas resources would allow me a cheat or advantage past them without significance.

Undergraduate / 'Not fitting into a mold' - University of PennsylvaniaShort Answer [3]

The first paragraph is definitive in establishing who you are, and you have done a good job. But, the second sentence is a little awkward.

As in "Where am I able to immerse myself in academic bliss within a metropolis full of ranging internship and volunteer opportunities, yet have at my disposal fifty countries to broaden my perspective in? " changed to "Where else would I be able to immerse myself in such an academic metropolis filled with volunteer and internship opportunities, as well as have fifty countries to broaden my perspectives in? Why, the University of Pennsylvania"

The last few paragraphs are fantastic. You definitely tell why you would use University of Pennsylvania not just for its academics, but for surrounding cultural projects in Philadelphia.

The essay is well written, but some of the sentences, particularly those with an 'in addition' are awkward and need to be rephrased, particularly the third sentence of the second paragraph.

Good luck in the college application adventures. I know I am having a riveting time at it.

Undergraduate / 'Academic discussions and social interactions' - BROWN-Why are you going to college? [4]

I like the listing of topics/books at the beginning, but you need to elaborate on that. It is definitely an interesting way to start off, but simply saying 'these are the reasons I want to go to college' leaves the reader with a vague longing sense, as though there should be more to come, though it only gets vaguer from there.

Get rid of 'this is the appeal of college' as you have already stated it above.

The semi-colon usage at the end of the second paragraph needs to be changed. Just change the '; which is invaluable' to 'It is invaluable'.

You have a strong foundation, but I would recommend shortening some of these sentences. Some just go on an on and eventually convolute the ideas of your essay, which is bad. The good news is, you have thematically a good essay, though grammatically, it is somewhat struggling, like a tired swimmer nearly back to shore. Bad simile, I know, but you get the idea. You are almost there.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / 'determination and perseverance' - critique my Michigan State essay [5]

One thing to definitely change: the opening sentence. It sounds egotistical to assume that everyone you know will say you are determined, even if they would actually say that. On another note, you use the words determination, morale, and hard-work to frequently.

The essay itself is very good, thematically. But it struggles somewhat for diction diversity. If you modify it in these ways, I feel you will have a much stronger essay.

Writing Feedback / Going overseas for university study [5]

Countries try to exemplify their greatest traits and most beautiful architecture to entice internationalists to come and visit them. Though not necessarily catering to these people, they are catering to their money.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

To get a good job, you must have diligence and education; above that, you must have connections and willingness to wait. That is the trouble with the country right now; those who want to work in an intellectual field and not just a laboring position must have some kind of higher education. Otherwise, they are downsized and considered menial. Good luck though.

Undergraduate / I am an Introverted Man (meaningful book/event) [3]

Thank you for your advice. I've edited this essay a lot and have added more connections to the story as well as fixed up some of the grammar.

I appreciate your time.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

I'm confused. How is this thread still going? I doubt he has still looked over it in over a year.
But, I would recommend, on the idea of the competition, to elaborate on the overlooking of the bay. It seems like a beautiful anecdote but needs more of a laconic display to the reader.

Undergraduate / 'Safe environment to express myself' - Evaluate a significant risk Common app essay [9]

Three weeks is 21 days. You should either change the time to accompany four weeks, or completely change that. I like the opening, though. Very original.