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Posts by kellyjanemartin
Joined: Dec 29, 2012
Last Post: Dec 31, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 18  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 21
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kellyjanemartin   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "School for Learners"; Stanford Supp - Intellectual Vitality [8]

Hey there! This is the first draft of my intellectual vitality essay for Stanford. I haven't gone back to edit or anything yet--this is just what I whipped out at midnight last night. Any thoughts or corrections would be appreciated!!

As a bouncing seven year-old kid, I explored my universe with a notebook and a magnifying glass. More than anything else, I wanted to touch the world around me, to share in whispers its deepest secrets. I didn't want to care about my grades in school-the most important thing was that I walked out of class more knowledgeable than when I walked in-but I cared nevertheless. I regularly fantasized about a dream school in which teachers didn't have to test us to make sure we were paying attention-the entire student body would be composed of kids like me, who truly desired to investigate their world without the barriers of traditional education.

The idea had lingered unspoken in my mind for years when, on one sunny mid-August morning, I discovered my best friend Nora shared the same dream. We began to plot. Over our picnic lunch, we planned this fantastic institution, a haven for the very learners and dreamers that are labeled "nerds" in conventional schools. No curriculum would be set in stone-the students would study according to their developing interests and see where it takes them. A student's concurrent interests in mechanical engineering and fashion design could be nurtured to their fullest extent, rather than extinguishing one to cultivate the other. Focus would be on the student and on the subjects he or she found beautiful. And, lastly, as my seven year-old self would savor, there would be knowledge, progress, and discovery without the oppressive rule of report cards.

As Nora and I delved into our potential world, I realized that we couldn't be the only ones harboring this idea. There had to be others, and we only needed to find them. Together, we could develop a real-world version of our fantasy. We could provide future generations with the most meaningful and relevant learning experience to their own lives. We would let them dictate their own education, and, for once, the curious little minds of the world would claim victory.

Thank you so much!! Leave a link so I can reciprocate!!
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / "Ignorance is bliss"- I disagree; Stanford Sup/ What matters to you and why? [3]

I love your writing style and the way you've used the Jefferson quote. Not only did this essay give me a peek into who you are, but it also got me thinking about the importance of an informed public.

Now, little things:
- I think ending with "That is what really matters to me " is a little weak. Just because the it asks what matters to you doesn't mean you have to reiterate the prompt. I think it would be stronger to link the first sentence of your closing paragraph with the sentence beginning with "because", and then end it there.

- "You have to inform others about what you know": Do we really have to? Or is it best to? Because a lot of people would say that it's not their responsibility to teach others. I'd play around with the wording there and see what else you could come up with.

- "Are we informed? The answer is no. ": Something about this sentence pair rubs me the wrong way. I see the point you're trying to make, but it's really abrupt and harsh. Because, truth is, we (and the very educated admissions officers who will read your essay) are informed about a lot of things. Either you're going to need to be more specific, a little more gentle, or cut this phrasing out altogether. In fact, go ahead and cut it out. The second paragraph is more powerful without it.

Overall, great essay! Best of luck!!
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Optimism, curiosity and inquisitiveness.; STANFORD/ intellectual vitality [2]

Essay 1:

I'd like to think that even though I am a teenager, I have kept some of the most important things from my childhood: optimism, curiosity and inquisitiveness (inquisitiveness is so close to curiosity that this seems redundant) . Intellect can be defined as " capability of the mind" . So how can I, as a student, make my mind more capable of obtaining and manipulating knowledge to my advantage ? I believe that in having the relentless desire to be inquisitive, infallible knowledge can be obtained. Equipped with unyielding optimism, I believe through curiosity and inquisitiveness I have been able to not only possess intellectual vitality but have also been able to increase (I don't think "increase" is the right word. How about develop?) it on a daily basis. Indeed there are many times where I have been apprehensive to ask certain questions because I was afraid I might be heckled or cause a heated debate that would carry on even outside of the classroom. However, I always remember that curiosity didn't in fact kill the cat; it turned it into some of the greatest minds that have ever lived! I was always taught to never be afraid to expose my ignorance because " he who asks questions is a fool for five minutes, he who does not ask questions remains a fool forever"(You seem to contradict yourself here because you just discussed how you were afraid of asking some questions) . This Chinese proverb has been paramount to my intellectual development by challenging me to sacrifice pride for boundless knowledge. (Sacrifice is a little harsh. You shouldn't have to sacrifice pride for knowledge.)

It is simply fascinating that through childlike curiosity, humanswe have achieved incomprehensible feats such as walking on the moon, and discovering the human anatomy (Discovering the human anatomy is not so incomprehensible. I'm pretty sure ancient Egyptians figured out that we have organs) . It is scary to think of where we would be without the resilience of those who are not afraid to express their ardent curiosity. I can doubtlessly say that every day is a quest to answer the question I previously posed , striving to improve not only my intellectual development but also my personal development. (How?)

Curiosity jumps- starts personal brilliance! I have found that my curiosity has enabled me to improve the quality of my education experiences thus far. I feel that I have been able to learn more because I have the ultimate desire to know more.

There are definitely some grammar bits that need fixing, but I think it's really important that you read your sentences over and over and think about how your reader is going to perceive them. How you intended them to sound isn't necessarily how they're coming across. The admission peeps over at Stanford should have a clear view of your message, not just "get what you mean".

Essay 2:
I think it would be best to leave God out of your essay unless you're writing distinctly about how religion affected your life. Your readers might be atheists.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Spaghetti cooking instigated the exploration of the new; Stanford App [10]

You never actually told us about what your device is. It leaves us wondering whether or not you actually came up with something.

By the way, you can totally prevent bubbling over by placing a wooden spoon over the top of the open pot.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I have been persecuted all my life./ CommonApp - Confessions of a Carnivore [8]

I'm not sure about the content. Because you're in the majority of people, being a "carnivore" seems largely unimportant. And the "persecution" you speak of is not actually of a serious nature--actually, it's not even persecution--so I feel like you've sucked any real meaning out of the word. You've trivialized it.

Maybe if you skip the whole "persecution" bit, it would make a much better essay.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Spaghetti cooking instigated the exploration of the new; Stanford App [10]

So, what was your invention then? You still haven't told us!! You're leaving your reader not with a sense of mystery or wonder, but rather with deep frustration. If you don't want to "give away" your idea here, I would greatly advise you put it in for your Stanford readers.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / I'm a dork! [Stanford roommate supplement] [7]

The buffalo joke made me smile. I love puns with, like, a passion. However, while I can see the point a couple other people made about your essay sounding like "a real person", it just felt really trivial to me. Now I know that you like mugs and otters and old nickels, but I don't actually know anything about you. I do agree with you that this is a growing trend and that it's not actually as unique as you think--we're all unique and we all have our quirks, but I think the admissions peeps at Stanford already know that. Just because it's a friendly letter to your roommate doesn't mean you can't tell them something meaningful.

Best of luck to you!!
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "Happiness is a choice"; Stanford Supp - Letter to Roommate [9]

Okay, so I'm not completely happy with this because I totes feel that something's missing, but I would love your opinion!! I do have, like, 475-ish characters left, so if you have suggestions or changes (especially for the third paragraph) let me know!! Thankies, and please check out my other supplements!!

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Hey girlie!

Bubbly. Upbeat. Optimistic. Cheery. Spirited. Happy. Add "a little too" in front of any of those, and that's how my friends describe me. It may just be their grumpy morning moods that are bothered by my effervescent spirit because, by late morning, my positive attitude spreads like wildfire.

If there's one major thing you should know about me, it's that I make the conscious effort to be happy. It's not that I'm so lucky that nothing bad ever happens to me-it's that I believe that when presented with an adverse situation, we have a choice to make: we can wallow in our sorrows and wait for someone else to pick us up, brush us off, and send us on our way, or we can stand up. I always, without exception, choose the latter.

I take it upon myself to create my own happiness, whether in a social or academic setting. With my strong sense of determination, I strive to be the very best version of me. If I'm ever in a state of discontentment, I'm quick to make whatever change is necessary to make myself and others happy.

Before we move in and embark on our great college journey, know that I'll always be there when you need a bud. If you ever need a late-night talk, some heartfelt advice, or just a shoulder to cry on/someone to just listen, I'm totally there for you. If you're in need of a girls' day or a midnight chick flick marathon, I'll have the nail polish and popcorn at the ready. And if you need to pull an all-nighter to cram for your Stat final, I'll be waiting with the coffee.

Happiness is a choice. Let's choose it together.

Love and hugs,
Kelly Martin
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "What they don't know won't hurt them"; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual Vitality [20]

I profoundly enjoyed this essay, and I think your admissions readers will too! I think all grammar points I could see were covered, so I'm just gonna give you props on a creative and fun essay. Honestly, I do think this is Harvard-worthy -- best of luck to you!
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / The Alchemist ; NYU /What intrigues you? [13]

The only thing I don't like is the very last sentence. It seems completely out of place, like you wrote your essay and then just decided to tell them "Hey, guess what? I was senior class prez. I'm so impressive." I think your essay would be a lot stronger if you cut that sentence out and wrapped it up in a way that reflects the point you were making throughout the rest of the essay.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Essays / Division of America after the Election of Obama [6]

I think this essay needs to actually be about why the country is divided. Right now it is just filled with anti-liberal slurs. It's too opinionated -- a term paper should be factual and professional, but this is blatant and rude. You're ranting about why you don't like Obama, not about why the country is divided. It doesn't address the prompt.

You need to scratch this essay and reevaluate your content. I think your writing is technically sound and that you could do much better.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / My reality after my best friend committed suicide; Common App/ Significant Influence [18]

The main thing that I was confused about was when you said he committed suicide. The word "committed" implies that he was successful--I get the shock factor you're going for here, but it left me very perplexed when you said he committed suicide, then when you said he survived. I think "attempted" is the proper word here.

Also, I would give your best friend a first name, even if you don't use his real name. That way you won't have to refer to him as "he" the entire time.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "Confidence"; Stanford Supp - What Matters to You [2]

Hey there!! This is my final Stanford supplement essay. I based it off one of my UC application essays, but I think it works well for the prompt. I would love your help checking grammar and content! Thanks in advance for all your help!! You are wonderful!!

What matters to you, and why?

Throughout late elementary and middle school, I was the subject of choice for mean girls and bullies. As a result, I was constantly afraid to share my thoughts in fear they would be grounds for judgment, so I often avoided social situations altogether. The only place I felt truly free to be loud, silly, and cheerful was at Foothill Horizons Summer Camp. "Don't worry about who is popular back at school," a counselor once assured me. "They're the ones that aren't popular, because they're the ones that aren't here." I later realized that I felt happy, secure, and empowered at Foothill because I felt free to be myself. I resolved to embrace this renewed self-esteem, liberating myself from the confines of social anxiety.

Foothill Horizons Summer Camp is the place where I became the strong, confident young woman I am today; it has helped me make momentous strides in personal development, and now that I have persevered, I wish to continue to help other kids do the same. Having participated for four years in Foothill's incredible Counselor-in-Training and Junior Counselor programs, I have had the opportunity to work with younger campers, serving both as a mentor and as a friend. My involvement in these leadership positions at summer camp has been an incredibly fulfilling experience, and I hope to join camp staff next summer to give back to the community that raised me. I aspire to be a role model for children who struggle with bullying and to serve as an example that it is completely possible to overcome social obstacles and thrive.

Foothill Horizons Summer Camp has given me the resources to discover my true capabilities, and I have the self-assurance to be a more involved member of my community as a result. I hope to guide younger kids to find their inspiration and to help them realize their full potential, just as my camp counselors encouraged me. Confidence is the greatest gift Foothill Horizons has ever given me, and I hope to pass on this gift to others.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "School for Learners"; Stanford Supp - Intellectual Vitality [8]

Oops, totes thought I posted it with the essay. Here it is:

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / INTERNET; NYU Supplement; What intrigues you? [4]

I really like your subject. I think it's really unique and that not a lot of people are going to choose the internet as their subject for this essay. You'll catch your readers' attention for sure. I also think this essay is very well written, and your ideas are really nicely developed. It is clear, concise, and convincing.

Also, the word "internet" is often considered a proper noun and should be capitalized.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / "Opinions" What Matters to You and Why- Stanford Supp. [6]

I really like the first half. It's well written and creative. Overall, I like your ideas and what you're trying to say. On the other hand, I do think you need to step back, read this one more time, and rewrite it completely from scratch. I find that my essays are always better the second time I write them -- maybe it'll work for you too.

I edited the points I thought needed the most attention, but, again, I think you should go back, rewrite the second half, and post a new draft.

We are born with the ability to love, hate, desire, betray, and change our minds. I like this a lot. There is no reason to waste the talent our brains harness to assess situations and form cognitive appraisal or disapproval of them . Consider revising the striked bit of that sentence. I had to read it a couple times--it's pretty wordy. There is an infinite amount of knowledge to be shared when opinions are voiced. A single person's opinion can change the course of the future. The strength of voice is undeniable.I like what you're getting at, but the strength of voice, unfortunately, is denied in many places all over the world. Bummer. This has been seen in much of history and continues to be seen in our everyday life. Not every person on Earth is allowed to speak their opinion. I feel a hushed opinion is equivalent to denying a right so many others fought for.I feel like the first sentence is kind of stating something your readers already know and that the second is a good idea that just needs to be developed a little more. Show your reader why this is true--try using a real-world example and how that example makes you feel. Their (Whose, exactly?) opinion was that we deserved to feel as though we could create change where we saw fit.

Consequently, this entire essay is my opinion. My opinion matters to me, but so does everyone else's.Try to avoid commenting on your own essay within your essay. Also, of course your opinion matters to you. If your essay is about valuing opinions, this is obvious. It is so vital in our divided country to not only form strong opinions, but to voice them and stand with them. But, also, I think, to compromise. If we stand with our opinions and refuse to waver, we get stuck in this partisan mess we're in. Yuck. I don't deny the danger of opinions in both negative and positive situations. I believe, though, an opinion unspoken is equally as dangerous as a spoken opinion has the potential to be. Ultimately, the effect of an opinion isn't known until it's spoken. Still,F ear should never serve as a boundary for productive thought and influence. Voice, of one or of many, matters to me. Then again, that's just my opinion. I actually really like the final sentence. It's kind of a clever play on your point.

Best of luck!!

Also, if you'd mind, my "Confidence" essay needs a lil' help.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / I know we'll get along; Stanford - Roommate [7]

I agree with Tickle -- leave out faith or politics. Not only might this rub your roommate the wrong way, but it might do so for your admissions readers. Best not to ruffle their feathers.

I also think this essay should be completely about you, like the prompt says, and that if you've written it tactfully, you shouldn't have to add in the bit that says you'll be fine with however your roomie is. A lot of people write that, and I think the admissions folks are tired of hearing it. Plus, they really aren't going to assume that you're going to hate your roommate if they're a little different from you.

Actually, I think it would make a really interesting and unique essay if all you talked about was why you believe aliens are real. It would definitely catch your readers' attention!!

Also...
SANTA'S NOT REAL?? GASP!!
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Internship at G.Architect; Common APP Extracurricular activity [3]

I think I like what you're getting at, but you didn't actually elaborate on your extracurricular besides telling us it was banal office work. And then something about handshakes and speaking our mind, but it came pretty suddenly. If you wrote about how your work was rewarding (was it?) or something you learned from it (did you?), that could make a pretty good short answer.

On the other hand, I think you would benefit from writing about an extracurricular that you did like.
kellyjanemartin   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Special needs student ; STANFORD - WHAT MATTERS TO YOU AND WHY? [16]

Wow. Other than "a special needs student to whom who I teach at Kumon" and explaining what Kumon is, this is fantastic. I have to admit I teared up a bit. You're just a really awesome person. Thank you for all your work <3
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