Book Reports / Thousand Splendid Suns Essay Argument Points; thesis [6]

I see that Saffant's due date has passed, so I'll just offer advice for any student stuck at the same point in the book report writing process.

You have a thesis and three arguments. What next? You need supporting details for each argument. Time for some focused brainstorming.

Brainstorm each argument in turn, jotting down your ideas. In this instance, each of the arguments deals with the impact of social norms on a different character. So, the thing to do would be, for each of those characters:

- Imagine the character as s/he appeared in your mind's eye as you read the book.

- Call to mind the different incidents in the book involving that character.

- Jot down any incidents that support the argument that social norms are hurtful to that character.

- Think of the overall path of the character's development in the book. (Where s/he starts out and where s/he ends up.) Does this also support the argument?

As an aid to this brainstorming, you may want to actually flip through the book, glancing at different passages to refresh your memory. If you recall an incident vaguely, flip through the book to find it and refresh your memory. If you have read the book electronically, such as on Kindle or eLibrary, you can use the search feature to help you find passages related to your theme. Either way, jot down any quotations that support your arguments.

Once you have done this for each argument, it will be easy to outline the body of your essay and then move onto drafting your body paragraphs before writing your introduction and conclusion.

Graduate / 'Traveling back in time' - Physician Assistant -- personal statament [8]

This is very strong! I just have a few suggestions:

No comma after "consequence" in the first paragraph.

Start a new paragraph with "I believe that what..."

Add a comma after "beholder."

Change "payback" to "reward."

Start a new paragraph with "I am specifically interested..."

Again, this is excellent! You've shown experience, dedication, and -- most importantly -- empathy for others. You're a very strong candidate.

Writing Feedback / "People of MTV generation have no patience. They want instant satisfaction." [84]

The discussion seems to have gone astray. I'm going to bring it back to the original question.

For a presentation such as this, the teacher wants simply to see that you can cogently express an understanding of both sides of the question. If you are still studying English, it will be especially important to keep it simple and not get distracted by questions such as how to define the MTV generation or whether patience is a virtue.

State simply and clearly two reasons why you believe the current generation has less patience. Then say "on the other hand," and give one reason why that may not be true. For example, you might state that the internet has made students less willing to take the time to read whole books or that being able to shop online has made people more impatient when they have to wait in lines. As an opposing idea, you might raise the possibility that young people always seem impatient to their elders or that it is the nature of adolescence to want things quickly.

Next, take up each of your points in turn and explain it, giving details or examples from your own life.

Finally, restate your thesis, again stating the two reasons you think young people today are more impatient and the one reason that might not be true.

Because it is always complicated to give "for" and "against" arguments in the same presentation and because you are working in a second language, I think it will be most important for you to "keep it simple." Good luck!

Essays / Raising a teenage boy vs teenage girl - writing a comparision and contrast essay [5]

As Kevin and Sean's replies demonstrate, there are several different ways a compare-contrast essay may be structured. Kevin has outlined the "one side at a time" method while Sean has offered the "point-by-point" method.

Either is generally acceptable, but some instructors have strong preferences about this, so be sure to make note of any guidance given by your teacher. Does your writing class have a textbook with a chapter or section on the compare-contrast essay? If so, the method outlined in your book is probably the method your instructor prefers.

The most important thing is to choose an organizational structure and stick with it. Brainstorm all of the points you want to make and then choose one of the methods to organize them into an outline before writing your first draft. Feel free to come back here for feedback on your outline or draft!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay-It can be quite difficult to learn a new language. [7]

I agree with Kevin -- you will pass!

Learning a new language is generally enjoyable but at the same time it requires a lot of effort and study .

When listing, make sure the elements of the list agree with one another. "Effort" is a noun but "studying hard" is a verb phrase. So, I changed "studying hard" to "study" to make them agree.

Book Reports / Macbeth Motif essay. How motif develops Lady Macbeth [4]

To make this essay more readable and easy to understand:

(1) Put quotes around "fair is foul and foul is fair" every time you use the phrase.

(2) Start each of your body paragraphs with a topic sentence that begins with the word of the motif (blood, sleep, darkness).

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Mustafa, you've obviously fulfilled the goal of writing a provocative essay! However it is, as you suspect, unfinished. I'd like to see you flesh out that final paragraph and then, perhaps, publish it.

Writing Feedback / Clep essay-Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible. [4]

I can't tell you your score, but I can point out some errors and make some suggestions for the first paragraph:

Laws includesa are the rules

the countryman will violet -- I think you mean violate

and affecting other people in the country

The country will be...

messed up -- too informal

Nonetheless, there should be flexibility in terms of the consequences of breaking the law, depending on the circumstances, time, place and other considerations.

punishments may turn person rebellion -- I think you mean "may make a person rebellious

If we will give the offender a chance to reform, there is a possibility that people will improve .

Having made those specific suggestions, let me step back and be more useful by pointing out the patterns of error to which you might most productively attend.

I notice that you often omit the commas that set clauses apart from the rest of the sentence. Try reading your words aloud, remembering that commas stand for pauses. "To conclude law must be rigid and fixed" doesn't sound right. "To conclude, law must be rigid and fixed" does -- because the comma tells you to pause.

I also notice that you sometimes get tangled up in long sentences -- that's where your punctuation and phrasing start to go astray. For example: "Not only the rules are necessary but also the effective implementation of it because if there are thousands of rule book for any country but nobody follows it, then it makes no sense."

You will have an easier time saying what you mean here without error if you will express the ideas crowded into this sentence into a couple of sentences, as follows: "Rules are necessary but also must be enforced. If nobody follows the rules, they are useless."

So, my overall advice to you is (a) watch out for commas, and (b) use shorter and simpler sentences so that you won't need so many commas!

I know that this forces you to think and write much more simply than you would in your first language. You want to express complex thoughts more complexly. But, for purposes of passing the test, it's best to keep it simple. And, it's excellent practice in logic to break one's thoughts down into their simplest components.

Essays / Is father or mother who play the more important role in building up the children [8]

I really like the drama of the first paragraph, which Kevin did a great job of fixing up. This will draw the reader into your essay. You might wish to return to this scenario in your conclusion, applying the ideas that you raise in the body of your essay to the story.

But, before you do that, you must write the body of the essay. The next step is to use prewriting to clarify and organize your ideas. Use brainstorming (jotting down words or phrases as you let your mind wander) or freewriting (writing without worrying about grammar or punctuation) to come up with the main points that you want to make in the essay. Take your time with this step: The most important work of writing an essay occurs before you start writing, so don't cheat yourself by not taking enough time to think before you write!

Once you have at least three clear points that you wish to make, organize those into an outline. Since you have already drawn the reader in with such a strong introduction, you might want to use what's called "emphatic" organization, saving your strongest point for last. For each point, you must have some supporting information, such as empirical evidence from a reading or an example from life.

For each point that you want to make, write a paragraph that begins with a topic sentence that states your argument clearly. Then supply the supporting evidence.

Then you are ready to write your conclusion. Restate your main points and then return to the story with which you began the essay, applying what you have said to it.

Good luck and feel free to post more sections of the essay for feedback as you work!

Essays / How can I describe this graph? [7]

How you should describe this graph will depend on the nature of your assignment.

For example:

If you are describing graph simply to prove that you are able to read and understand graphs, then you would provide all of the identifying information -- the maker, the purpose, the source of information -- and then summarize the information presented.

If you are describing the graph for a course in the design of effective informatics, then you would again provide all of the identifying information but then go on to talk about things like the colors used and whether a bar chart is the best way to visualize this particular information.

If you are describing the graph for an economics course, you would again provide all of the identifying information and then go on to interpret the data presented in the chart in the context of theories or other facts learned in the course.

Why don't you have a go at describing the chart and then share your effort with us, being sure to tell us why you are describing the chart so that we can you appropriate feedback? Good luck!

Scholarship / "A Latin-American" - Scholarship/college essay [8]

You are clearly a very strong candidate for a scholarship. What sort of scholarship is it? If it is intended for particular students or for students interested in particular subjects, be sure to highlight the ways that you match the criteria for the award.

Two things stand out for me: (1) Your engagement in a variety of socially and environmentally-conscious causes, and (2) the barriers that you have faced in reaching your educational goals. Of these, the first makes you stand out most, because many people who apply for scholarships have faced barriers. So, my first piece of advice would be to replace your currently somewhat dull first sentence with a sentence that immediately tells the reader that this is a student who is already working for social and environmental justice and who will use this scholarship to move forward with that kind of work. Then go on, as you already do, to identify yourself as Latina/o and talk about your pride in your culture and the difficulties of being the first generation.

(By the way, I notice in that first paragraph that it is unclear whether you are the first generation in the United States or the first generation to pursue higher education -- be sure to specify which.)

On the question of writing, your grammar is generally good but you have a tendency to leave out commas. Commas are the equivalent of pauses in speech. When you leave them out, it makes your words run together as if a person were speaking without taking a breath. I notice that you tend to leave out the comma that should follow an introductory clause: "As my high school graduation approached," "Once I entered college," etc. Watch out for that in this essay and in your future writing.

Finally, let me say that I really hope you get this scholarship. Many students are active in causes, but too few understand how all of the issues -- race, poverty, pollution, animals, etc. -- are linked. We need more people like you in non-profit management!

Writing Feedback / History, Royal Engineer essay. [6]

This is a remarkable essay for one so young! I have just some minor corrections for you:

Without further ado .

Without them, the Army would

There would have been no communication within the Army without the Sappers because

Without engineers, no supplies

The Royal Engineers' presence

"Without the Infrastructure the Royal Engineers built the British army would have struggled to take key military positions and win many main battles." -- Identify the source of this quote. It only proves your point if it comes from a credible source, such as an expert in military history.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay (the college of Medicine) [3]

Mohammed,

I think you are allowing too much of your indecision into this essay. You don't tell us until the end what you want to study, and by then it sounds like you have only grudgingly and reluctantly decided to study medicine. With so many applicants very eager to study medicine, this will not help you at all.

I appreciate your candor, but you will need to find a way to write honestly while still expressing enthusiasm for your chosen field of study. What is it about medicine or genetics that excites you? Start with that! (Right now, the only excitement you express is for the field you will not study.)

Also, I am not so certain that you must choose between medical and genetics research if you are just now applying for undergraduate admissions. With a Life Sciences or biology major, you can go into either field. It is only in the course of your undergraduate education that you will learn for which field you are best suited.

Feel free to come back for advice on form once you have solved this most serious problem with the substance of your essay.

Good luck!

Essays / How can I describe this graph? [7]

Also, be sure to tell us the purpose of the essay. Why have you been asked to describe this graph? We cannot give good advice if we do not know this.

Graduate / energy towards college, family personal statement/diversity statement for Law School [4]

This personal statement starts very strongly and is, for the most part, very compelling. However, as you say, there is a way that it is "all over the place." Also, the litany of the disadvantages you have overcome leaves you little room to talk about your excitement for and intellectual interest in the law.

I'd keep the introductory scenario and keep, although edit down, the story of your own experience with dating violence. I'd cut the part about going on to meet someone sweet and would think twice about putting so much focus on your child. Unfortunately, women with children still face discrimination in academia.

Similarly, while discrimination on the basis of any disability is not allowed, I would think twice about disclosing your learning disability in your personal statement. You may wish to wait to disclose your disability, and ask for any accommodations you require, until after gaining admission.

Admissions officers are keen to promote diversity in other realms, though, so do keep the story of your family's history, including the flight from Cuba and the lack of educational opportunities.

Now, onto style. Watch out for passive voice! The whole point of this piece is that you are active, rather than passive, in the face of adversity.

This is passive:
Hardships encountered have produced in me compassion and understanding of diverse people and experiences, and my exposure to varied branches of the justice system has grounded in me an appreciation of the legal process.

The hardships and the "exposure" are the actors here, not you.

Instead, you will want to say something like:
By confronting and surmounting my own hardships, I have developed compassion for others and an understanding of diverse people and experiences. In my encounters with varied branches of the legal system, I have grown to understand and sincerely appreciate the legal process.

Now, you are the active one, growing, developing, confronting and surmounting.

Also, watch out for empty platitudes and trite phrases such as "rise above whatever incapacitates us." Besides not saying much, such sentiments disappear your individuality into common sentimentality. Make sure that, by the end of the piece, they see you specifically rather than a generic survivor of adversity.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL ESSAY ] Should the Government Provide Free College? [4]

I am going to comment only on grammar and structure rather than on your arguments.

On the whole, this is a sound and well-structured essay with few errors.

the college tuitions and expenses

it would cost too much for the public to pay , the college education is a personal's choice, and there are many ways to fund a college education.

In addition, public funding of college education would force the government to raise our taxes again and again to fund college education.

in their own choice, not the government.

People who cannot afford to pay their tuition can take advantage of scholarships , financial aids, and other funds.

Funding college education would cost too much from taxpayers and the government .

Essays / Essay "The Library is a Shed of Knowledge" [4]

Septi,

You posted this under "poetry." I moved it to essays.

I like the ideas in this essay very much, but the phrasing of your ideas is often awkward or incorrect. You will want to continue to study sentence structure and verb tenses.

Since it is an essay, you will want to break it into paragraphs, indicating the start of each new paragraph by indentation or double-spacing.

You start by saying that a library is a shed of knowledge. In English, "shed," is generally used to mean a small, rough building. It's not the word you want to use for a library, which houses a wealth of knowledge. Use a thesaurus to find a better word and then -- this is most important so that you do not use a word mistakenly -- look up the chosen word in an English dictionary, reading all of the definitions. In this way, in this way you can make sure to use a word that means what you intend to say.

Your sentences are sometimes awkwardly phrased, and this sometimes makes it difficult for me to know what you mean. For example, you ask, "Is this the mistake from visitors?" I am not at all sure what you mean.

You do best when you use short sentences. You sometimes get tangled up in longer sentences. For example:
Or there is no anticipation from the holder of the library, such as about the library and also about the book there who have to complete, and also the librarian also have to be made be nice.

There, you are trying to say too much in a single sentence.

Below, I am going to rewrite a short passage from your essay to demonstrate the kinds of changes you will need to make.

Your version:
If we already had hobby to read, so we will feel that there is something lose when don't read in one day. On the other hand, government also have to make effort to build the library that have good quality. Since visitors will be interested to come to read. As we know, we find many libraries that have book that not complete now. The government have to be more careful in handling this problem. Books have to be attended. In the library have to be new edition books, so the visitors will be more interested to come to the library. Then, the library have to be comfort, so the consentration of the visitors not be brake.

My suggested revision:
We must develop the habit of reading, so that we feel something is missing if we let a day pass without reading. Government also must make the effort to build libraries that have good quality, so that visitors will want to come to read. At present, many of the books in our libraries are damaged or incomplete. The government must be more careful in handling this problem. Books must be cared for correctly. Libraries must have new editions of books, so the visitors will be more interested to come to the library. The library has to be comfortable, so that the concentration of the visitors will not be broken.

Undergraduate / American Summer Camp in Kayrakkum, Tajikistan [4]

I do not think your grammar and vocabulary are so poor!

Why don't you share with us what you have already written about yourself, and then we can help you think about what to say in your conclusion?

Writing Feedback / WPE --The minimum wage in the U.S. [5]

I think that the economic facts do not back you up here -- increases in the minimum wage have historically tended to have a salutary rather than depressing effect on the economy -- but I guess that doesn't matter if the essay is only to demonstrate writing proficiency.

Some corrections:

It will affect the whole economy .

Second, increasing the minimum wages would simply increase unemployment [omit comma] and make it difficult for some companies to stay in business.

Omit commas after "employers" and "higher wage"

Thus, raising the minimum wage would end up hurting the very people the policy is meant to help .

wage would affect the economy negatively

Writing Feedback / Essay on the legal drinking age [6]

First of all, let me say that it was so very smart of you to interview people of different ages for an essay on this topic. Right away, that demonstrates your creativity and intelligence while also making the essay more interesting to read.

Next, the essay is very well structured, but I would like to see a stronger conclusion. "I hope someday people will be more responsible for drinking" is such a vague statement. Instead, I'd like to see you decisively express your own view on the question of the drinking age and what else, if anything, should be done to encourage people to drink more responsibly.

On the whole, your grammar is very good. I have just a few corrections/suggestions:

You say "drinks awareness" a couple of times. Say "alcohol awareness" instead.

Put quotes around "Anything could happen," if those are the exact words of your interviewee.

...drinking can very easily lead to alcoholism and hurt surrounding people if we drink every day.

Proofread carefully, so that you find errors such as the missing "with" in "Danny disagreed the current legal age in the U.S."

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

First, I don't think the first one is so much better or well organized.

Next, I think it's very important to be as candid as possible without compromising your privacy or hurting your own interests. Truthful writing feels fresh and real. Lies always sound canned and stale, even when they are very clever.

So, it's not surprising that your more truthful essay is much more engaging. In that one, you sound like an honest and lively person with a distinct personality. The first essay, in contrast, could have been written by anybody.

At the same time, the second essay does have more errors and probably does disclose more than may be wise about your indecision. My challenge to you is to revise and clean up that essay, keeping the lively and honest tone. It's good that you are still questioning what you want to do. The undergraduate years are the years in which students learn what they are best suited to do. So, change the tone. Instead of saying "God, I don't know which one to take," say something about being excited by the possibilities and looking forward to the process of studying different subjects in order to, over time, learn more about yourself and the best way for you to make your mark in the world.

Undergraduate / 'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam [13]

Taking your last question first, what many students do is write one essay which they then adjust to suit each university or program to which they apply. When adapting your personal essay to suit each school, be sure to note something specific about that school or program that attracts you and at least one reason why you are an especially appropriate candidate to that school or program.

Turning to your essay, this is a good start but needs a lot of work before it will be ready. Let's get the substance and style right first before fine-tuning the grammar and punctuation.

Your introduction is weak. "There are many reasons" is a passive and vague phrase. Instead, start with a strong statement about yourself or your desire to study economics and business in Amsterdam. I like what you say about wanting to live in and feel our fast-paced world, so that might be a good place to start. Or you could start with the memory of watching that skyscraper rising into the sky in only 10 months.

Yes, now that I think about it, that would be the place to start, with you watching the skyscraper soaring into the sky and wanting to be a part of that fast-paced world. From there, you can back-track to tell about your experiences in China and your wish to continue your path of study abroad.

Next, you will need to make your tone a little more formal. This:
So why not studying in Italy, maybe in an English-taught programme? First of all because, like I already said,
is too informal and also raises a question that is of concern to you, perhaps, but not to those reading your letter. Instead of arguing against the alternative, simply state the positive reasons why you wish to study abroad in general and in Amsterdam in particular.

Finally, you've told them why you want them. Don't forget to tell them why they should want you. What will you bring to the program that will be useful? I don't know you, but from what I've read, you will bring energy, curiosity, and experience with diverse cultures.

You'll also need to work on your grammar and punctuation, so feel free to post your revised essay for further feedback. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Causes of Global Financial Crisis [3]

The causes of the global financial crisis is a big and very complex topic. I appreciate your willingness and ability to tackle such a topic! But you will need to make sure that your reader follows you all the way through. So, first, you will need to orient your reader by providing an introduction that clearly states your thesis in terms that anybody can understand.

Next, go through and proofread carefully, adding missing articles ("the" "a" and "an") and commas.

While you are looking for the sentences in which you have left out commas, think about shortening your sentences, following George Orwell's famous dictum that "if it is possible to cut a word out, cut it out." When writing about complex topics, it is especially important to minimize the possibility of confusion by writing clear and concise sentences.

Finally, consider your audience. You do not tell us for whom you are writing. How much do they already know about this topic? What can you assume they will understand and what must you explain? Take the answers to those questions into account when revising this essay.

Undergraduate / Firmly believe it is the best university for me; U Ryerson; Why apply? [12]

I agree with Kevin.

Here are a few further suggestions:

Being a minority in Pakistan was never easy; I was often treated unfairly.

I have been captivated by the business world ever since I was a teenager.

Since that time, I have been immensely motivated to get involved in business, not only to earn profit but also to serve the society by providing employment in order to alleviate hunger and poverty from the economy .

majoring in Business Administration

My first contact with the with business and economics was at a young age

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

This is lovely. I have a few suggestions and you will also have to make another read-through (or two) for grammar and punctuation.

Say "voyage" or "journey" instead of "way"

"I'd" rather than "I'll" work at NASA some day.

Instead of "made it worse for me," say "exacerbated that for me" and then follow that with a colon rather than a semi-colon.

"Although" rather than "However" there are still questions to be answered.

Good luck!

Essays / Is father or mother who play the more important role in building up the children [8]


That's a very good idea, Mel! Another possibly useful source is the book Raising Cain, which discusses the roles of fathers in the lives of their sons.

On the other hand, the book The Way We Never Were exposes the degree to which the norm of the two-parent nuclear family is a myth.

Essays / Essay on Early Years Social Policy [4]

Mel, I notice you've been posting some very helpful advice for other forum users. Thanks! And, of course, that's good for you too. One reason that both basic composition and advanced writing instructors use peer feedback groups is because we learn even more about writing by reading and reflecting on others' work.

For this essay, I'm glad to hear that you're excited by the topic and have done so much reading already. I want to encourage you not to close off your possibilities by narrowing your topic too quickly. While you certainly could do a very simple compare and contrast essay looking at just those two pieces of legislation, there might be something more complex you want to say. For example, you might want to choose just one aspect of early years social policy and trace that all the way back.

Have you done some prewriting (brainstorming, mind mapping, or freewriting)? Have you looked through all of your notes on your readings and let your mind wander over and around the issues and ideas that most interested you? If this is the field into which you'll be going, it's this kind of mental work that will develop your own thinking and expertise.

If you do choose to compare the two Acts, be sure to fully cover the social and political forced that led to the enactment of each in its time. It doesn't matter which you pick to discuss first. You could use the current act as your touchstone, going back to compare it with the legislation that preceded it. Or you could start in 1989 and simply move forward in time using chronological organization. Either way, it would probably be good to use at least a paragraph to summarize what came before 1989.

Undergraduate / 'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam [13]

Frederico,

Your idea for the conclusion is very charming, although I can also see why you felt uncomfortable with it. I think that an admissions officer would like it, but you can leave it out if it makes you feel silly.

I see real improvement in this essay, although you still have a way to go. The introduction is stronger, but the first line is still weak. The idea is to say something that will immediately grab the reader's attention, so that you stand out from the crowd rather than sounding just like everybody else.

Here's my suggestion:
Ten months in Chendu, China changed my view of the world and of my future. Since my return last summer, I've been thinking about my studies after high school, and after a lot of searching and meditating I`m now sure that the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA) is the right choice for me.

Then you can go on with the essay as it is. But you will have to make changes there too. For example, you say that you were attracted to China for two reasons, but only list one.

Start a new paragraph with "I lived in Chengdu (Sichuan)..." so that the skyscraper story will stand out more strongly.

And, yes, you will have to get out of the habit of structuring long sentences as you would in Italian. The sentence that begins "I could probably choose an Italian university..." is an example of that. Similarly, the earlier sentence that begins "During my stay..." could be broken down into two sentences, with a period where you now have a colon.

Scholarship / "A Latin-American" - Scholarship/college essay [8]

Some grammar fixes:

I always liked volunteering on trips, and participating in civic activities from cleaning parks

I had learned how much our world suffered from pollution

I hadbegan investigating into internships

As to substance, I'd like you to foreground your interest in the environment -- which is a hot topic (pun intended -- global warming) these days -- by mentioning this in your introduction or conclusion. If you have a particular interest in environmental racism, do say so explicitly, as this is an area in which funders are particularly interested these days.

Good luck!

Graduate / SOP - Ph.D in Environmental Engineering is the foundation [8]

This SoP starts in the 1950s. In today's world, women can be engineers too. Of all engineers, environmental engineers are especially expected to be alert to contemporary issues and to avoid biases of all kinds. An SoP that begins with the assumption that men build the world will not be viewed kindly by admissions officers, especially if any of them happen to be female! Use gender inclusive language here and in all scholarly writing.

"Imbibe" means to absorb. You probably mean to say "inculcated" or some similar word.

Watch out for wordiness. You say "to be a part of this field and contribute." You should just say "to contribute to this field." Go through the essay, eliminating similarly redundant expressions.

Once you have gotten rid of any unneeded words, go back through and make sure you have commas in all of the places they are needed. You tend to omit the commas that separate subordinate clauses.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / Firmly believe it is the best university for me; U Ryerson; Why apply? [12]

According to the instructions, you must write an additional, separate, document for each program, giving your specific reasons for applying to that program in particular and listing the reasons why you should be accepted into that program. Take them one at a time. For each, brainstorm and then outline what you want to say. Then draft each document. Write short, simple sentences that go directly to the point.

Letters / Fraternity Interest Letter [6]

The letter is a little stiff but I think that's acceptable in this context. You don't need to stand out from the crowd but merely demonstrate your suitability for the group. Along those lines, you might add a sentence to the penultimate (next to last) paragraph, stating more specifically what you wish to do within the group. Do they have specific programs to which you would contribute time or resources?

One fix:

a group of highly educated men who together I believe are capable of

Grammar, Usage / A DIFFERENT way to say "going towards" [18]

Yes, but don't say "mankind." Modern guidelines for gender-inclusive language require you to say "humankind" or "people" or some other term that includes everybody unless you are speaking only of males.

Graduate / SOP - Ph.D in Environmental Engineering is the foundation [8]


Hmm, how about, "Engineering is how we build the world, and engineers can shape the world into a better and more sustainable place to live."


Yes, you definitely should mention your career goals, especially if they are consistent with the ideals you espouse in the essay. You could do this just after talking about the skills you hope to develop.

Essays / Perseverance essay in relation to ice hokey [7]

Geoff,
Your essay will be stronger (and more enjoyable for you to write) if you come up with your own ideas. Why did you choose Bobby Orr? Is there something about his story that inspires you? Start there.

You can try the prewriting technique of brainstorming. Jot down everything you know about Bobby Orr and his career that might be related to perseverance. Don't stop to question yourself along the way. Just list as much as you can think of in a set period of time. Then look back over your list and choose which things you can use. Then you can use an outline to organize them however you like, such as by theme or chronologically, starting in childhood and working your way through his life.

Feel free to post an outline or draft here for feedback when you get a little further in the process.

Scholarship / Personal Essay - Something I've learned through a personal experience [6]

I agree with your teacher that this is a very good start,

I think what your teacher wants is for you to make the connection between the parallel stories -- learning that you are, in fact, doing enough both as a volunteer and as a bass player -- more explicit.

One way that you might do that would be to replace the confusing two lines that start the piece with a very brief but very vivid account of yourself playing bass with the band while actively feeling you are not doing well enough. Then start a new paragraph with something like "It was the same with my volunteer work," and continue on as you already do. Then, conclude with a sentence such as "Being the bass is good enough."

Undergraduate / "To Understand and Be Understood" - Why do you want to pursue a career in the medical field? [14]

This is very vivid and moving. Just make sure not to go too far in showing off your vocabulary or your writing skill. (See below for examples of how to cut it down.) Also, I'm not sure how much space you have to work with, but you probably should get to the body of the essay -- why you want to pursue a career in medicine -- sooner.

When you make that transition, pay close attention to verb tense. Also be certain your grammar and punctuation are impeccable in that section. What you've shared with us thus far is creative nonfiction. The reviewers of this essay will also want to know that you can write more straightforward prose.

Book Reports / King Lear naivety and inability to control his emotions (ENG4U class) [17]

On the whole, this is a strong essay with good grammar and organization. But I notice a problem in your conclusion that reflects a problem running through the essay. You say, "Only Lear can be held responsible for his own demise as he lacked the capability to control the situations around him." Of course, we are not responsible for things we lack the capacity to control. We are responsible only for those things within our control.

Throughout the essay, you alternate between charging Lear with self-destruction (implying that he is responsible for his own demise) and giving him an out by saying that he was unable or lacked the ability to do this or that. You will need to settle this question in your own mind before you can write a coherent essay in which your phrasing consistently comes down on the same side of the question of whether Lear was responsible for his own demise.

In my view, due to hubris, Lear was willfully blind to his daughters' deceptions and did not choose to control his emotions. That's the sort of phrasing you will need to use if you want to hold Lear accountable for his own downfall.

Essays / Perseverance essay in relation to ice hokey [7]

I like how you begin and end with those familiar phrases. Don't change that.

I have a few minor suggestions:

Stephen Brunt's book , "Searching for Bobby Orr".

a small and rural town

and is considered one the best defensemen

Orr had demonstrated that perseverance

Good work!

Scholarship / Personal Essay - Something I've learned through a personal experience [6]

it's a shame that I was the one making them hurt .

Wow. This is so much more coherent. Good job on the rewrite! Do you feel good about it? I hope so.

I do think you could go back through for a polish. I notice you sometimes use the "would" verb form excessively; by eliminating unnecessary "woulds" and in other ways, you could make the essay less wordy.

For example:

While complementing the melodies played by the guitar and the keyboard, I would also drivedrove the tempo alongside the drums. The music would then soundeda little more "fuller," with a less piercing and tinny tone to the ears, perhaps .