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Posts by chizy7
Name: Chizaram Chibueze
Joined: Oct 17, 2016
Last Post: Aug 4, 2018
Threads: 6
Posts: 51  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 57 / page 1 of 2
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chizy7   
Oct 17, 2016
Undergraduate / "Write about something that you love to do" (200 words or fewer) - Yale essay [6]

Write about something that you love to do (200 words or fewer)

I love to create. In my community, creativity is not deeply appreciated. When you decide to go through the path of creativity, you are perceived to be different or over ambitious. In secondary school, I was in the science class and History was an elective subject. 100% of the science students didn't take History class because they believe History is only meant for arts students. So I created a game where I compiled History questions. In order to attract my classmates to play, I awarded the winner. I bought special pens and each time we have free periods (no classes) I asked these questions and the winner will be awarded with a special pen. Through this game, my classmates developed keen interest for History and the game attracted more players from other science classes. I created the game to get them interested in History and I am happy to have achieved my goal.

A new project I am working on is MyPiggyBank. MyPiggyBank is designed to solve the problems of finance. With MyPiggyBank you can easily transfer money to someone in Europe in less than 15 seconds. I love to create solutions and solve world problems and I won't stop creating.
chizy7   
Oct 18, 2016
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement - critique content/style [3]

I love your writing tone because it makes the reader feel like they have already met you.
I think you should be more specific about your eating schedule and the type of food you like to eat probably for dinner.

"I don't really eat on a normal schedule, so [...] I can only concentrate when I'm eating. " This sentence is not quite clear, it states that you don't like to eat or you are not seen consuming chocolate in class and at the same time you said you can only concentrate when eating. I think you should expand and elaborate more on that sentence to make it clear and understandable.

For the second response, I think you should concentrate more on how what matters to your most has affected your life. Focus more on the "why" part of the question.
chizy7   
Oct 18, 2016
Undergraduate / I want to bring my creativity and diversity to Yale because Yale is the right place for me. [4]

Why does Yale appeal to you? (100 words or less)

When I graduated secondary school, I went into retailing of male clothes and accessories to have an understanding of finance. I want a school that will give me opportunities to create, work in teams and share my interests without boundaries. Like the new course introduced to Yale CS department: introduction to information systems and the joint CS50 with Harvard will offer me opportunities to share my ideas, explore my interests and apply them to real world focus. I want to bring my creativity and diversity to Yale because Yale is the right place for me.
chizy7   
Oct 20, 2016
Scholarship / ''Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality'' - Chevening question [3]

I think you should use evidence such as the vision you had before being elected or appointed leader in the various positions you listed above and how you steered that vision into reality. And how you have impacted the lives of the people you have led.

All the pointers I have made just cleared. I will get back to you later with more feedback. Am in a haste
chizy7   
Oct 20, 2016
Undergraduate / Reflect on a time in the last few years when you felt genuine excitement learning about something. [6]

200 words or fewer.

And I fell predictably on the ground only achieving an injury from the bicycle pedal. That was me at 7 trying to ride a bicycle meant for 12 year olds. I didn't have my own bicycle but I desired to learn how to ride one.

I was 11 years old when I got my first bike just right after my heart surgery, waiting for the day I will take it out for a first ride. Of course that day ought to be special, I purchased new sports outfit ready for the D-day. I had one of my elder brother holding a camera and another to teach me. Oh! How could I forget my sunglasses; of course I had it on, looking like a secret agent. After all my preparations, I failed to ride just a few steps on my own. I went home disappointed.

One thing about determination is that you never give up irrespective of bad outcomes. I returned the next day with extra enthusiasm. Guess what? I pedaled past three houses and I was so excited I left my bicycle on the streets, ran home like I just won a gold medal to tell my parents; I did it!
chizy7   
Dec 4, 2016
Undergraduate / I was excited to learn about the Liberal Studies Core Program at NYU. "Why NYU" Writing Supplement [5]

The essay question states: WHY NYU but from your response you are responding to THIS IS NYU. I guess that while you were searching for colleges to apply to you had or have something specifically you were looking out for, something personal and that's what they meant by asking Why NYU. So write about why NYU fits into what you are looking out for in a college and the response should not always be about academics because I guess major parts of the application reflects your academic and intellectual promise. The college getting to know you better (your interests and so on) is really a plus.
chizy7   
Dec 4, 2016
Undergraduate / I come from a family of chefs- MIT essay [8]

It's a short response and I think short essays like this are given to know how creative and constructive you can be about your response. So you should remove some irrelevant parts.

May I suggest you approach your essay in this format:
* describe first
* link your description to how you have developed your dream to be a chef (don't go over the word limit, be concise and straight to the point here)

* and then close with a proof showing how passionate you are about this dream (maybe you can close writing about when you first cooked a meal with your grandfather or cooked something you learnt from your cook book or cooked your family dinner they appreciated) you know your experiences so close with one of it.
chizy7   
Dec 4, 2016
Scholarship / Characterize a personality which has added enthusiasm within your own life [4]

It would have been much better to have your whole essay. As the response goes, I think to start will be to describe the figure first (your description should be totally relevant to the essay and what you will be writing about throughout the essay)

The middle part should be about you and how your mom has inspired you. And probably shine a light on what you have accomplished by looking up to your mom and then your closure can be merged in a very creative way that will reflect the rest of your life(in regards to the essay)

The intro you provided is great to start by describing your figure but it's too weak. I think your intro should be the stronger than your conclusion and if not stronger than other parts of the essay because you are writing about two different people-the figure and yourself.
chizy7   
Dec 7, 2016
Undergraduate / My girlfriend. This girl changed me as a person. Penn State Personal Statement [7]

It will also be helpful if you work with the word limit (if you were directed to do so) because your essay looks wordy and somehow repetitive. As Holt has stated, your essay is so much focused on your girlfriend and your personal statement is supposed to give the admissions officer a sense of who you are.
chizy7   
Dec 7, 2016
Undergraduate / Finally stepping out of my comfort zone- help with my motivational statement for Peace corps! [3]

The essay prompt is quite unclear, do provide a better prompt so I can fully understand what you are writing about.

From your essay, you lost me because your essay seems to be quite unclear to me. At a point I can see you are already a member of the peace corps and at some other point you seem to be an aspiring member.

Revisit your essay and make it clearer. I hope to read your revised response then we will work on your grammar usage.

P.S: My initial feedback was lost but this particular feedback is just a summary of what I wrote originally
chizy7   
Dec 7, 2016
Scholarship / My early fascination for computers combined with a strong liking for analytical subjects inspired me [10]

Hi Valerie,
I can sense that you have really thought about why you want to be a computer engineer. To make your response more personal to you, I think you should write why your academic goal of being a computer engineer is personal to you because a lot of people have the same academic goals but they want to know why yours is personal to you because every applicant is different. Your academic goals may not differ but it's personal effect or goals differs. So what is your personal goal and why/how is your academic goal personal to you?

How will this field allow you to aid humanity and provide hope to mankind?

I believe these changes will make your response to the prompt to stand out.
chizy7   
Dec 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / TOPIC OF AN ORIGINAL ARTICLE I AM WRITING ON: THE CAREER WOMAN [5]

I was just writing on this to produce an article on the topic. What do you think about the title and is it a very good article?

Title of Article:

THE CAREER WOMAN


A career woman is a woman who takes pride in her career, who chooses to work and often who is successful at her job. Career women may face gender inequality in the work place, as well as occupational sexism. This may take the form of a gender pay gap, or like a "glass ceiling" that prevents them from rising to the upper rungs of the corporate ladder. I respect career women a lot because they go through a lot in order to support their families. They face discrimination mostly at jobs perceived to be for men like civil engineering and so on.

In some countries and cultures, it is a taboo for a woman to aspire to work or be more successful than the man. Like in Nigeria for example, girls are mostly brought up to aspire to marriage, be good wives, good mothers and world class cooks for their husbands and in most cases be the house keeper (doing all the chores). I was on a trip to Abuja (Northern Nigeria) and I decided to spend a day in an urban area where most people living there cannot afford 3 square meals a day. As I was observing a particular family of 5 kids, the youngest daughter who is around the age of 10 saw an airplane fly over and she was like, "I will have 3 planes, 1 for my personal use and 2 for my company". Her father instead of encouraging her to work towards her dream, shut her up in a harsh manner and sent her inside to wash plates and clean the house making a parting statement "better go and learn how to cook very well and be a good wife" still on his way out, he gave the son who is a year older than his daughter and was outside playing soccer with his friends a 'high five'. From the view of what happened here, the father discouraged the daughter from aspiring towards a career of owning her own company. When I made further enquiries, I found out the boy attended school and the girl did not attend school rather she is at home all day cooking,washing,cleaning and looking after her baby sister aspiring to be a good wife and mother.

Most men feel threatened by the woman having long time beliefs that a woman must be under a man and that is why something like the "gender pay gap" exists. You will see a man and a woman working for the same corporation, both at the same level performing equal work and the man gets paid more than the woman or the woman will be qualified to rise to the position of a CEO but she will never be promoted to that position.

In the United States, the average females unadjusted annual salary has been cited as 78% of that of the average male. When we think of gender, we often think of male or female; that's only half of understanding gender. When considering gender, we often encounter bias, both intentional and unintentional, and implicit or explicit. We may have presumptive judgements or opinions about genders that differ from our own, which are often the result of our own upbringing. I believe that we have to get rid of this thick glass ceiling between genders and there should be equal pay for equal work.

Most people allow some myths about career women to cloud their judgement. Myths like:

~ working women are bad mothers: we all know one woman who does not work and is a bad mother. Career women can be good mothers and excellent role models to their children.

~ women are bad bosses: most people would say they would prefer a male boss to a female one. Some will give reasons like women lack leadership qualities needed at the top. Women are good bosses. Like Amy Gutmann, President of University of Pennsylvania one of the best president the University has ever had and loved by many at UPENN.

~ career women don't have kids or like kids: there are lots of career women who like kids and even have kids of their own.

~ his career is more important than yours: there are lots of women who have given up their careers to be a stay at home full time mum. Like in my example, the father through his actions tells the girl that her brothers career is more important than hers. This is a lie, his career is not more important than yours. You have the right to have a career.

~ business is for boys: another lie. A woman can be a good business woman. We know lots of women who have big businesses and own fortune 500 companies.

~ career women don't have time for their families: you can be the President of World Bank or own a big company and still attend your son or daughters sports games,eat dinner with your family, put your kids to bed,help them with their homework and spend quality time with your husband.

Women can be good CEO's,Presidents,Engineers,Pilots,Wives,Mothers and so on. We should always support girls and women who aspire to careers. We should support their ambitions and not torture them. We should not give them the message that if they are ambitious, they will be punished. If they focus on career, no man will have them. And if they marry, they will never have children. And if they have kids, they will ruin their kids. We should support women to make choices, to be hard-working employers and employees. There should be equality of both sexes.

And yes I am a feminist. Thank You!
#supportacareerwomantoday
#genderequality
#careerwomenaregoodmothers
chizy7   
Dec 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / TOPIC OF AN ORIGINAL ARTICLE I AM WRITING ON: THE CAREER WOMAN [5]

Thanks Holt I always look forward to get your feedback. I hope you don't mind if I use the topic you suggested? I just had career women in mind writing that but thanks for helping me. Going broad on the topic will make my article the same old stuff or no story at all but from the topic you just gave I think focusing on a particular place like Nigeria is great cause I am even getting ideas right now and I could go deep into feminism and some sexist laws. When I am through with the revised version I will update that here for review. thanks
chizy7   
Dec 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Essay about the advantages of co-operation in your learning English [5]

Your essay needs a few adjustment to produce a better response. I feel like your are just listing bullet points without properly explaining your points and you also need to look into your grammar usage to correct the errors
chizy7   
Dec 18, 2016
Undergraduate / I want to invent new gadgets and software, be a problem solver, and make peoples' life easier [9]

Hello, let me see if I read this right.

You were unable to raise your hand in class when your teacher asked those who owned a computer to. You were so unfortunate that your friends mocked you and this wasn't your fault because you are from a background with economic hardship but you did not let this uncertainty rob you of the opportunity to learn about the computer hardware from the motherboard your father could afford at that moment. This made your interest in computer increase and your academic and use of a computer is a proof to that development.

It's good to know you started tech club and innovators club, but you have to shine a light on that stating goals you have achieved with these clubs and if the clubs still exist at your school and how you have made an impact through those clubs when you were in leadership. It's also great that you want to learn more about the computer but it will be much easier to understand the type of gadgets and software you want to invent and the type of problem you want to solve because there are lots of problem to solve.

You have a good essay, get it together and organized and then we will work on your grammar to make your essay fun to read and easy to understand. Avoid mentioning motherboard severally relating to how you have mastered it.
chizy7   
Dec 23, 2016
Undergraduate / "With great power, comes great responsibility" - essay for college [6]

Hi Shuprova, your essay is just boring and doesn't really sound like an achievement. I think you should lay out exactly one thing your team mates disagreed on.like maybe they were not interested in science and was not motivated to submit the best work.

And just telling them how the certificate can help them out in college applications does not really sound so strong. Maybe you should relate to the experience as well like you wrote they had specialties individually, maybe you also told them that an experience in such field will help them in their individual specialties.

It's a short response. Use the word count wisely rather than writing about billboards.

That's my review and I hope to read your revised response.
chizy7   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / I believe that diligence and hard-working is vital. [5]

Hi Desinlim, you have just listed your values like bullet points. The prompt is designed for the admissions comitte to get to know you personally and not just your academics. After reading your essay I didn't feel like I know the kind of person you are rather it gives me a bullet point about you and not a description about you.

You should be more descriptive rather than listing out points. Like where you wrote about giving your opinion at family meetings I feel does not show that you care. Has has your opinion show that you care about your family and what do you contribute (probably something practical) to show how much you care about them. This is also a very strong point as it shows your concern towards others (please extend that point to other people who are it your family as well).

Just be more descriptive so that I will feel like I know you personally after reading your essay.
chizy7   
Dec 25, 2016
Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

Hi Nanda I love your essay. Just to add a little bit to what Holt suggested Show the extra curricular side of your personality only if possible. Rather than offering to be a tutor, you could instead just say that you are looking forward to a cultural exchange whenever you share a meal or enjoy walking in the campus on a cool night, or something like that.

Your future roommate might not be interested to engage in any academic interests so don't assume such. Don't offer to tutor him rather write how you will be there to support him and I think that will cover all the support he will need from you both academic and non-academic like you can suggest you celebrate important events together.

In as much as the essay is directed to the admissions committee but you can never tell they may also add that to your housing preferences (when you will be applying for such). As Holt noted, your essay should reflect your own voice. If you are funny be funny, if you are not don't try. Be authentic.

Nice response once more and happy holidays.

@Holt Happy Holidays!
chizy7   
Dec 26, 2016
Graduate / Imperial College "Concrete Structures" Personal Statement [6]

As far as personal statement is concerned, from what I read and feel, it's in line. You have described a significant experience and you have quite well demonstrated skills you posses while in a position of leadership.

Be more specific about your long-term plan and what you are looking to achieve and just re-read your essay to correct a few errors like your lecturer who is an imperial college alumni and not which is also
chizy7   
Dec 26, 2016
Undergraduate / 'There is no point in going to college.' Why UChicago - Purpose of education [3]

Hi Angela, I have not read your essay because you are way over the word limit (instead of 250 you indicated that you are at 520). I advice you to be as succinct as you can, going over the word limit indicates that you don't listen to instructions and that's the impressions the admissions board will get.

Why they give word limits is because they want to see how creative and constructive you can be with your response. So my advice is that you stay below the word limit.

If you have problem eliminating unwanted details, we are here to help you with that. If that's what you want do let us know.
chizy7   
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / The vast array of research opportunities and many other things that makes Hamilton special for me [6]

Hi Abdullah, I have read your essay but I can't tell how Hamilton is a place you can thrive.

You began with writing about diversity (which I guess was the first thing that appealed to you when you first looked at Hamilton). You can relate how teaming up and working with people from diverse backgrounds and interests will give you a global perspective. And of course diverse extracurriculars which I suppose will give you an opportunity to learn about other cultures, the kind of interests others are interested in which might interest you to explore and so forth.

I suppose you are applying to study computer science? So writing about what made their computer science program distinctive to you and how that program will help you to thrive.
chizy7   
Dec 27, 2016
Undergraduate / Why Duke? To be part of the next generation of global leaders and technological innovators [7]

Hi Mubarak, you school in Lekki?

To get your essay below the word limit you will have to eliminate some sentences and for others try to find a word that will explain exactly in a concise form what you really mean.

Like on your second paragraph you can begin by writing: I love the fact that I can explore various courses of interest at Duke while I major in computer science. That gives your first sentence a 19 word count instead of 40(as you have above).

Writing about their national ranking is an unnecessary detail instead approach it like this: I am interested in Duke because of the amazing research opportunities available to undergraduates.

I can't revise your essay for you because we have to keep your voice in the essay. Use my suggested approach above to cut down on words and let your essay appear with a sure voice and not seem to appear like listing bullet points.

I hope to read your revised response.
P.S. I guess you are already close to the deadline for submitting your application? Don't get caught up with the frenzy. I advice you to submit your application at least 5days to deadline in case you have problems submitting, there will be enough time to rectify that.
chizy7   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / The cues of the Yoruba, Igbo and the western culture. MIT Cultural Background Essay [6]

Hi Davidson, you schooled in Ikoyi?

Holt has really helped you with making these changes and it has led you to produce a better essay. I am Igbo too. It's really an important detail to write about the New Yam festival (I love that)-bringing in a known tradition of the Igbo people.

Since you grew up in Lagos, maybe you can also relate to a tradition of the Yorubas if the word count permits but if you will like to continue writing about the food which I think is much better since traditions, ways of dressing and food are important/distinctive elements of culture. Don't say we enjoy eating food like ... because to mean it sounds like we enjoy eating foods that does not belong to us. Rather start that sentence with how we love our food and take a great deal of time to prepare our food and how we so much love to present the final product rather than present the process and final product.
chizy7   
Dec 28, 2016
Undergraduate / Why you have applied or expressed interest in a particular campus, school, college, program... [4]

Don't relate much to a friend of yours who encouraged you to apply. If you want to relate to that, state what she told you about NYU that really caught your attention.

I guess you wanted to apply to other NYU campuses outside Abu Dhabi? State why your parents didn't want that and why you now got interested to apply to NYUAD other than the other NYU campuses.

Write about the college and program you are applying to and why you are attracted to pursue such program at NYU. Please Change your last paragraph cause it sounds like you are limiting the opportunities you will be offered at NYU. I have met admission officers from all NYU campuses and had the opportunity to talk with them and I know they believe they are launching students who will make history, become confident dynamic global leaders, bring interesting and remarkable experiences, who will utilise every opportunity available at NYU and that's why they have a global network in Abu Dhabi, New York,Shanghai,Italy etc. That's why some majors take a semester in Abu Dhabi and another semester or internship at another NYU network locations.

So present your essay and show them that you are ready to be at NYU to utilise all these amazing opportunities and not an essay showing them how you just want to attend school (be close to home), graduate, and get a job. Show them someone who is ready to make history
chizy7   
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure [11]

Hi Tim, provide the full essay prompt. I know the prompt is about the lesson you learnt from failure (common app) but you have to provide the full prompt so everyone here on EF will know what they are reviewing
chizy7   
Dec 29, 2016
Undergraduate / BUSINESS STRATEGIES AND TRADITIONS. College search - UPenn supplement essay [7]

Hi Alenandro, UPENN is really a great school and specifically Wharton is really a school I will recommend to anybody (I applied to Wharton too).

What's great about PENN is how it has all schools located in one campus, center city Philadelphia. Your essay is not really organized. You wrote about your minor too (that's great) but I think you should take a look at the course schedule for both your prospective major and minor so that you will know how to link them together. Since they allow you to pick up to three majors while filling your application, I think it's best you give a brief rundown about the other two (that's if you like) but most importantly stress more on your top proposed major (writing about it throughout the essay) explaining how Wharton will help you to realise that goal.

I hope you know that all Wharton students graduate with a Bachelor's in Economics but the difference is just the concentrations as they call it:finance,business economics and public policy,real estate, marketing etc. Most concentrations allows you to have a double concentration.

You can develop your 5th paragraph much better by naming the opportunities you think will suit you in Wharton, like: ability to research even in your first year, their leadership 100 which gears Wharton students to prepare for leadership, and so on.

Revise your essay and organise it. Make proper research about Wharton from their website and finance website since that's what your are interested in and also check out their YouTube channel (these are great ways you can learn about Wharton since you have not visited their campus). I believe this will help you to organise your essay and write with a sure voice.
chizy7   
Dec 30, 2016
Undergraduate / PRACTICAL PHYSICS. This is my Yale essay I was wondering if the first sentence was a catchy one [5]

Your first paragraph sounds like you are giving a physics lecture and asking your students questions. What fascinated you, was it the pendulum? And you cannot say that plotting a graph is exciting to you. Let me try to create an illustration: the first time I went into the chemistry lab, wearing my lab coat and preparing for practical, I can't say that my excitement was going into the lab for the first time (though I was excited going into the lab for the first time but I can't say I learnt anything just walking into the lab), there was excitement when I walked into the lab in my lab coat but the real and genuine excitement was when I started mixing all those chemicals learning that: Blue litmus paper turns red under acidic conditions and red litmus paper turns blue under basic or alkaline conditions, with the color change occurring over the pH range 4.5-8.3 at 25 °C (77 °F). Neutral litmus paper is purple. Litmus can also be prepared as an aqueous solution that functions similarly.

So if I am to write with this prompt, my genuine excitement was mixing the chemicals cause I also saw a practical demonstration of what I always read in books and I also learnt more in the lab.

So approach your essay in this manner describing what that real excitement and true learning was rather than giving the reviewer a lecture on simple harmonic motion.
chizy7   
Jan 7, 2017
Graduate / Nigerian activities and overview. Motivation letter for masters in Telecommunications Engineering [5]

Hi Cyril, just like Holt has stated, this is not a motivational letter. It sounds like a debate where you are just opposing the problems you listed. The essay should be more of: this motivated me to do this. It sounds like promises, make it real, be real. And remember to be brief and straight to the point cause I got lost and tired of reading and most of all I didn't see a motivatedwriter rather I saw a concerned individual laying complaints and waiting for me to offer solutions. You have a great content (power,network/internet access is really a big issue in Nigeria). Develop your essay very well and you will have a better outcome. I hope to read your revisied essay.
chizy7   
Jan 9, 2017
Undergraduate / University of Delaware Essays; me as a student, being treated unfairly, great accomplishment [3]

Hello Nick, the rules here on EF is one essay per thread. So I will just be providing a response for only your first essay. The others should be on seperate threads.

MY REVIEW: From the prompt they want you to write about university of Delaware weather you have visited the campus before or not so it's okay if you write with the information you learnt about UDelaware online.

It's a 200 essay word limit and you should use it wisely. The prompt is strictly all about UDelaware and you writing about your high school experience will really make the reviewer toss your essay in the trash. The prompt is not asking you to relate to a past experience but what you will like to do while in University of Delaware. So to produce a much better response, write about academics and extra curricular interests.

Towards the end of your essay, I was relieved you have finally decided to address the prompt but I just got dissapointed because " Also, I would have to stretch when I have my own personal schedule and prioritize myself throughout college. I at first it would be hard but in time I would be more comfortable where I am."

What you did was just to repeat the essay prompt.

Rewrite your essay and please don't write about your past experiences but what you expect to make you happy or interest you while studying at University of Delaware.

NB: THE REST OF YOUR ESSAYS SHOULD BE ON SEPERATE THREADS
chizy7   
Jan 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Are the real teachers replaceable? [4]

Hello Vo, this is an argumentative essay and you should stick to one side;you either agree or disagree. At some point you agreed and at another point you disagreed. You can't take both sides rather you stick to your opinion. The points you have listed are not strong enough. Pick one side and make a strong argument.
chizy7   
Jan 22, 2017
Undergraduate / A letter on the reasons why I need a scholarship [3]

Hello Eyitemi, it is really a great idea that you want to go to college and give back to your community. Your letter only answered the prompt from your first paragraph or rather your second paragraph where you said you want to go to college to improve intellectually.

The rest of your letter are all stories and not reasons. Though your stories are touching, you are not asked to give an account of your life. So give the scholarship selection team reasons why they should finance your education. You have to exclude the part where you wrote about prostitution and try to keep your essay focused on reasons like: instead of just writing about how your parents wanted to marry you off at 13, link that to how you stood up for yourself and managed to go to school and how the generosity of the scholarship will help you through college because you value education and want to have equal opportunities irrespective of your background. Also in the paragraph where you wrote about your mom being sick and how you have to think ahead for the family, develop that to be more appropriate like: you want to be educated so you can go back to your community and help the kids there who are facing the problem you face today get an education.

So Eyitemi you have to really give them a reason why you want to attend college. You know the reason, not me. I have just given suggestions above because I managed to transform some of your paragraphs to what I feel it directs to.

If you want to go to college to get more education, tell them that. If you want to go to college to improve your experiences and meet people or research on projects, let them know.

One last thing: Yours Sincerely.
Jalogho Eyitemi

it shouldn't end with a full stop rather use a comma and I will also recommend this format:

Sincerely,
Jalogho Eyitemi

Work on your letter then we will look at the grammer.
chizy7   
Jan 22, 2017
Graduate / The pain of losing friends. Setback/opportunity/challenge - 250 words only. [11]

Though you did not include the complete prompt to your essay, I still read it and from what I understood from this 'setback/opportunity/challenge', your essay does not reflect that. Still on my understanding of the incomplete prompt, I think your essay should reflect in this manner: when you experienced a setback, saw an opportunity and you grabbed that opportunity to challenge yourself irrespective of that setback.

Do provide the complete prompt so we can help you better with your essay.
chizy7   
Jan 23, 2017
Essays / An essay based on your community involvement, contribution to school life and plans for the future [3]

Plans for the future according to the essay prompt is like asking you this question: where do you see yourself in 5/10 years or what do you want to do with your life? I suggest your plans for your future should extend beyond what you want to do in college. So you can write about what you want to do after college. That's how I see the prompt.

Your plans for the future can include what you want to study but it should be more of ' you want to study A and after studying A, you probably might want to get a PhD,start a company or ....'

Don't just write that you were a school prefect and also volunteered. What did you contribute to your school as a prefect and also a volunteer. It will pack more a punch if you write about why you volunteered before writing about the impact you made through volunteering.
chizy7   
Jan 28, 2017
Scholarship / My future perspective and why I deserve the scholarship [7]

Your essay is much better than the first one you opened with Google and their work ethics. I think Holt has covered it all-produce a much better response with your tenses and grammar in mind.

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