Posts by Diazalichsan

Diazalichsan

Jan 5, 2017

Writing Feedback / Internet as communication medium and tools for search information. [2]

@gribigribi

Hello gribi
In this occasion I would give you some of the suggestion to tweak more of your amazing essay
You should pay more attention on some grammatical error and use some of cohesive device more carefully. Furthermore, its better if you only use 4 paragraphs (including Intro, Main Body 1 and 2, and Conclusion) it will be more efficient and more well-structured.

Diazalichsan

Jan 5, 2017

Writing Feedback / How much petrol expenditure in US and UK influence budget of these countries [3]

@septaafrian0554

Hello Septa, I would like to give you some of the suggestions to improve your essay
First, please refer what countries do you compares, AS or US? pay more attention on grammatical error and your amount of words in this task.

Second, in my perspective, the overview didn't correct to explain your graph. You should just impress it with -> Overall, it can be seen that the middle income people in US and UK have equal expense on Petrol.

Moving to your main body paragraph, you should pay more attention the type of the graph itself. The graph didn't use the language of change, just the comparison of two states in 3 categories.

Diazalichsan

Jan 5, 2017

Writing Feedback / The Line graphs of how much people in UK and US to spend on Petrol [4]

petrol expense of citizen in the USA and UK

The line graph informs the percentage of petrol expense of citizen in United States and United Kingdom in three categories of people. Overall, it can be seen that people between middle income and rich on both countries have equal number of expense in Petrol.

Looking at the figures, the poor people in United States and United Kingdom have different percentage of expense in Petrol. The poorest in Unites States spent about 4-6% of their income on the petrol, while the people in United Kingdom only use 0.5-2% of their income to buy gasoline. However, there was a gradual differences in the use of Petrol of the middle income people in United States, they spent around 5-4% of their income on Petrol. Conversely, the middle income people in United Kingdom experienced significant percentage than poor people, with 3-4% of their income to buy petrol.

Interestingly, the group of people between middle income and richest witnessed equal number of percentage in the use of Petrol for both countries. The two line met at 4% on the use of Petrol for both countries. On the end of the figures, the percentage of use of petrol for rich people in United States decreased significantly than middle group at around 2-3%. In contrast, with rich people in United Kingdom with 3-4%.

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Diazalichsan

Jan 5, 2017

Graduate / The master program of my choice: PROJECT MANAGEMENT STUDY OBJECTIVES [4]

@Mohanad13
Hello Mohanad, There are several suggestions regarding to your fabulous essay.
First Paragraph:
~~I have decided to continue my~~ -> Idecided to sustain my...
~~More specifying~~ -> Moreover or Specifically,
~~forward to a graduate program~~ -> forward to apply in graduate program. .
~~theory and practice~~ -> theory and practices
Second:
~~My interests~~ -> My interest
~~I could achieve an excellent~~ ->I achieved an excellent
~~Every project~~ -> Every projects
~~because I always had to determine~~ ->because I always have to determine
~~I have learnt also about the interrelationship~~ -> I also learnt about the interconnectivity
~~to work efficiently~~ -> to work efficient

Diazalichsan

Jan 5, 2017

Writing Feedback / Spendings number for various goods in some part of the world [3]

household spending

Alright Fiza, I would give you a brief suggestions regarding to your fabulous essay.

First, actually, you give outstanding introduction, however, the sentence, ~~the smallest percentage of both countries in the health care~~ . Its better if you correct it with the smallest percentage of expenditure for both countries was health care.

...Looking at the figures
~~witnessing~~ -> witnessed
On the remaining figures ,
household expenditure

Cheers,

Diazalichsan

Jan 4, 2017

Writing Feedback / The cinema viewing vigures for all films, in millions [2]

The popularity of cinemas across the world

The table illustrates the total spectators in four different genre of movies in India, Ireland, New Zealand, and Japan. The main fact that stand out is action movie became the highest figure of all genre, while horror is the latest of all.

Looking at the figures, action genre shows the highest spectator of all genre, with total of 29.9 million viewers, India dominates action movie at 8 million. This was followed by Ireland, New Zealand, and Japan with 7.6, 7.2 and 7.1 respectively.

Turning to another, with total of 15.8 million, horror movie experience the lowest spectators of all genre. Moreover, Japan shows the lowest with only 2.2 million, compared with Ireland being the highest viewers in horror at 6.4, afterwards, it followed by New Zealand at 4.7 million and India at 2.5 million. Meanwhile, from overall perspective, India leads the number of spectators in all genres at 24.5 million in total. This is in contrast to Japan which occupy the lowest total of viewers.

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Diazalichsan

Jan 4, 2017

Writing Feedback / The average family expenses in Malaysia and Japan [2]

@septaafrian0554
Hello, Septa,
It was such a great essay by the way, however, you need to tweak more of your essay to make it better
First, on five household sector's, you should change it with..on five household sectors ..
Secondly, looking at your body, "...~~was in the good and services sector.~~ ", I think it wasn't suitable with your chart, its better if you write "...was in other goods and services sector ". Furthermore, in second line you have to more structure in order to explain the figures, after explain the most household you should directly to compare the Japan's most dominant.

Lastly, the second body, don't use "~~On the other hand~~ ", it wasn't appropriate, use connectors like "Turning to another figures ..".

Cheers,

Diazalichsan

Jan 4, 2017

Writing Feedback / The pie charts presents the overall family spending in Japan and Malaysia [3]

@gribigribi
First and foremost, it was such a good essay for writing task 1 IELTS, all the components have been fulfilled. Included:
1.Introduction (Background and Overview)
2.Main body 1 and 2
In addition, the essay are well-ordered and you give such a full interpretation on the charts.
However, you have to more tweak your essay and I would like to give my humble opinion on your enormous essay.
Firstly, "~~The pie charts presents~~ " should be replace with "The pie chart presents" or "The pie charts present", you have to more pay attention on tenses.

Secondly, if you use superlative, you have to put "the.." in front of it, such as "The smallest" then your overall should sounds like "Overall, it is noticeable that both countries spent the smallest proportion...."

Lastly, its better if you add some "connectors" in Body Paragraph 1 such as "Moving to a more details...," or "Looking at the figures.." to beautify your essay.

Cheers,

Diazalichsan

Jan 4, 2017

Writing Feedback / Pie Chart: Comparison of Household in Japan and Malaysia in 2010 [4]

Percentage of spendings in Malaysia and Japan

The pie chart illustrates the average domestic spending of Japan and Malaysia on five different categories in 2010. The most significant fact to emerge from the chart is both countries spent less in health care category.

Looking at the figures, the highest expenditure of Japan was in other good and service with over a quarter of all categories, while Malaysia spent more money in housing with 34%. Interestingly, Food sector became the second highest in both countries at 24% in Japan and more than a quarter of all proportion in Malaysia. Likewise, transportation also became the second least expense in both countries with a fifth of all categories in Japan and only one in ten of all categories in Malaysia.

Turning to another figures, housing sector became the third largest proportion in Japan with 21%. In contrast, Other goods and services occupied the third highest expense in Malaysia with 26%

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