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Posts by love_mashimaro2
Joined: Aug 22, 2009		 Last Post: Jan 20, 2013
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love_mashimaro2   
Jan 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - dowsing is a quite efficient way of spotting the location of underground water [4]

Yeah, it sounds better, but it depends if you include that first sentence I quoted. If you do include that sentence, then you do not need to say

However, the professor doesn't think so.

You do not want to be repeating yourself. You can use either sentence since they pretty much mean the same thing.
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 19, 2013
Undergraduate / Diversity & Change/Motivation Clarkson Honors - What can i contribute [4]

I believe that I would be a great addition to the Clarkson Honors family because I am a dedicated, energetic, hard working individual with big dreams and an immense amount of determination to back me up .

My experiences in high school have taught me that individuality, inquisitiveness, and compassion lead to success but it is hard work that will point me in the right direction.

At Clarkson, I can more than offer all of these life lessons that I have learned. My individuality comes from my boldness to be different. I am not afraid to stand out from the crowd or to explore new, unconventional ideas and methods to better my environment.

Give me examples of these and make sure to be specific and concise since you only have 250 words. This is well written, but I just feel like I need some anecdotes in order for me to connect with what you are trying to say.
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 19, 2013
Letters / SELF-EDUCATED/FREELANCE; Cover letter for graphic design internship [3]

I want to cooperate with colored minds and tackle thought-provoking challenges.

I would substitute "colored" with something else because it sounds a little confusing. I know what you are trying to say, but use a different word. But the rest of your letter is well written. I hope this helps!
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 19, 2013
Undergraduate / JOURNALISM ,"This is mine, I created this"; GOALS [5]

Tick-tock, tick-tock. The second hand booms and echoes in the confines of the journalism room, cruelly reminding us all of one blatant fact: we have been here too long.

I would definitely leave this out. Isn't participating for the student newspaper something you felt proud about? When I read this, it sounded like you were dreading over something.

In general, I do no think that this answers the prompt. If you can find a time where working for the student newspaper was an achievement then include it. Best of luck!
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 19, 2013
Undergraduate / Industrious and determination ;U MARYLAND- Parts that add up to the sum of ME [2]

I've learned that the only time the word success comes before work is in the dictionary.

First off, I really like how you started this essay with this. I thought that it was unique when you opened your essay. Just make sure you avoid contractions.

I've learned that the only time the word success comes before work is in the dictionary. Hard work is a central part of my philosophy towards success which is why I have taken advanced placement courses throughout high school to challenge myself as well as to prepare for college. I gained the ability to work hard and endure challenges through my involvement in sports, extracurricular activities, and church service. Progress reports and student awards reflect my hard work in school especially this year; I am enrolled in four advanced placement classes and three honors classes.

How many words does your essay have to be? If it needs to be longer then I would suggest giving examples. It helps to be specific when you have to answer these types of prompts. Give specific examples of how your involvement shows that hard work is part of your philosophy. Also, the school would know through your transcripts that you are taking advanced classes, so there is no need to include that.
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 19, 2013
Undergraduate / Dance Hall Music; Transfer Common App- Extracurricular [11]

I remember when I was first exposed to dance hall music. My family and I were venturing to a destination I can no longer recall ; tired of listening to the radio, my father pushed a tape into the tape deck.

Omit that part since it is unnecessary, or reword it in a way that lets the reader know that it was when you were 5.

As the sound blared from the speakers with its heavy bass vibrating my five year old figure, I became enchanted by the foreign sound.

Substitute it with another word since you will mention that in the previous sentence.

All in all, I thought that you did a good job in providing details because I was able to understand your personal anecdote.
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 19, 2013
Grammar, Usage / Invention ; College Essay; punctuation check [4]

If you explore and dissect that same idea, it blossoms, revealing more ideas and meanings, discovering new reasoning' s.

Oh yeah, there is no apostrophe in "reasonings".
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 19, 2013
Grammar, Usage / Droping out of highschool [PERSUASIVE ESAAY] [3]

In the persuasive essay "What Does Responsibility Look Like," Louise Bohmer Turnbull reveals the" hard reality" of students dropping out of school and going living on their own.

I believe teens should avoid dropping out schoolsthis and continue their studies.

There is no need to repeat "dropping out" since the reader is already aware of that from the previous sentences.

They must, continue their schoolsing , then later go to college and get a college degree then to get a good high salary job, so that they can support themselves, such as paying bills, paying rent or cars, or even when later the time they get marriedy and have children.

I agree with dumi, you should use different words to substitute "get". Reword "then to get" because it sounds a bit repetitive.
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 19, 2013
Scholarship / Culture,and Change among the Sherpa of Nepal ;Scholarship essay [6]

Is there anything specific that you like about Nepal? I like how your essay includes some anecdotes.
I think it would help if you can somehow connect these two paragraphs together. Is Nepal similar to your visits to Korea and Japan?
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 18, 2013
Scholarship / Culture,and Change among the Sherpa of Nepal ;Scholarship essay [6]

I think your essay was written with great detail for the most part besides what sentiflat10 has said. There are only a few grammatical errors.

At that little age, such kind of experience had great impact on me; not only broadened my horizon, but also inspired me to rethink my life.

Also, in this sentence, choose either "had great impact on me" or "not only broadened my horizon" since they pretty much mean the same thing.
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 18, 2013
Undergraduate / Vission of Success; Feed back on Common APP [6]

I grew accustomed to the face of my culture by performing traditional Guatemalan
activities with my family on special occasions and indulging in exquisite Mayan cuisines.

I think you should give some examples of your family traditions, or you can describe one of those to strengthen your essay. The reader will be able to make better connections if you include an anecdote.
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 18, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - dowsing is a quite efficient way of spotting the location of underground water [4]

I feel like

Nevertheless, the professor does not agree with that point of view and opposes author's arguments.

is a bit out of place. Maybe it should be placed somewhere near the end of the paragraph or when you describe how the professor feels. It would improve the flow of your essay. Also, it would help to reword

However, the professor doesn't think so.

since it sounds a little informal.
love_mashimaro2   
Jan 18, 2013
Grammar, Usage / Invention ; College Essay; punctuation check [4]

Semicolons are used when you connect two independent clauses. For example,

Invention; much like a fruit tree, needs work, dedication, and care.

A comma should be used after "invention" because there is only one sentence. Invention cannot be separated from the rest.

I got this from writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/Semicolons.html
love_mashimaro2   
Oct 9, 2009
Poetry / 5th grader's Acrostic Poem [10]

Wow. I like it!! =]

Rare finds were good to the people of the gold rush.

The only thing I would say is instead of "were good" maybe he can put "brought light".
love_mashimaro2   
Aug 23, 2009
Undergraduate / the International Baccalaureate program - UF Application Essay [4]

After reading this, I think that you should stick with a personal experience rather than what you accomplished in your academics.

Also, there is nothing 'unique' about your high school experience as you said in your first paragraph. Other IB students probably dealt with what you just did. Others may have dealt with more.

This could be anybody in an IB/AP program. Include moments that convey who you are that way the college will know how YOU are unique not your "high school" experience you described above.
love_mashimaro2   
Aug 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]

Most importantly, it showed that even through hard times, I am able to manage my time while keeping good enough grades to be in the top five percent of my class.

I agree with llamapoop123...the last sentence seems a bit random. I can see that you have gone through a frightening experience, but I think that you should bring more emotion in addition to your statements.
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