Undergraduate / A second chance to so something differently - personal statement [7]

This is the first draft of my personal statement. It's too long though, about 700. Please help me elaborate the essay and check errors. I'm not sure whether this is too personal... Help wanted. Thanks in advance!

Topic: If you had a second chance -- the opportunity to do something over and do it differently -- what would you choose to do over and what changes would you make?

"I want nothing to do with him! I don't love him and I never have!" with these words I slapped the door of my room and made it crystal that letting my dad be back under this roof was nonnegotiable with me. The story of our family flashed before my eyes like an old movie with the background music of the sobbing of my mom.

"I don't love him!" back then I never thought that I would regret saying this.
Every family has a hero, one who brings laughter and pride and one who is the center of conversation at the dinner table. In our case, the hero was me. My excellent grades and wonderful stories from school were my mom's only consolation. My father was absent a lot. He drank. He gambled. Hardly had he taught me anything when I was a kid. All I did was exerting myself to be the exact opposite of him.

When I was about five he got into jail for reasons they never told me and I never asked. Later on he got out and managed to make some money by driving a taxi. It seemed things were getting better until his taxi was hit by a huge truck on his way home after drinking with his friends celebrating that his second child was a boy; that happened on the same day my brother was born. He miraculously survived the crash but the car was totally wrecked, leaving us in deep debt.

When I was in high school my parents saved some money and opened a convenience store at a good location. I actually thought this time was different until my father lost all our money in gambling, including my college fund, which my mom had been saving for years. They got divorced this time and I couldn't care less about his leaving. He was so irresponsible that I lost hope for his change. Now after two year's divorce my father wanted to get back together and I couldn't think of a single reason for this except that he simply needed a place to stay.

However they got remarried anyway but my father didn't come to live with us which is fine by me. He paid part of my tuition. (Unfortunately in China even the highest scholarship couldn't pay off all your tuitions in college.) But I was planning to pay him back with interest as soon as I graduate and get a job. I exerted myself in college and I ranked number one in my class for two years. I joined the school's basketball team and I was popular. Nobody ever knows the story of my life.

Several months ago my mom told me that we could come to live in America with my father. He's in America?! There were so many questions in my head. It's been almost four years he's been away doing god knows what with who, but I simply agreed because I want me and my brother to receive the best education in the world.

The moment I saw him at the airport, I knew he was different. Much older but never seemed so calm, sober and healthy before. He smiled at me and I grinned back automatically. The thought" just because I can come to America because of him does not mean that I have to forgive him and be nice with him" now seems so stupid and childish. It surprised me that we talked normally like a family on our way to the apartment he's living in since we seldom had any practice talking. Nobody said anything about the past.

Last night I overheard him telling my mom how much he loved us and I realized how much I love him as well, and not just because I have to. It hit me that I was never that innocent all the time. I never gave him no chance or believed that he can change and I was embarrassed to be seen with him as a teenager. Guilt catches me now every time I recall that night I told my mom that I didn't love my father. I'm not even sure my mom told him what I had said but I feel like I own him an apology for not trusting him. Whatever he got through these four years I have no idea, but if I were to do that again I would hold his hands and tell him that I have faith in him and I love him. I should be there for him when he regenerated.

Writing Feedback / low-paying secure job OR high-paying unsecure job? [8]

do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
taking a low-paying secure job is better than having a high-paying job witch is easy to lose.

This is an actual iBT-Toefl topic. I took the test this afternoon. The following passage is what I can recall now. I konw I didn't do a great job on this topic, but I still want to see your comments. If it's too bad, I'll register for another test...I was nervous during the test and I just ran out of ideas when I was writing:(

Thanks for reading.

Stability and salary are people's main concerns when they try to choose a job. The way I see it, there is no way that a low-paying-secure job is better than a high-paying job that is easy to lose. My reasons to support my opinion are given below.

Firstly, it is excellence that one achieves in the job that secures the position. A low-paying job does not always guarantee the stability. If an individual works in a high-paying-unsecure job and works extra hard, he/she will more likely to accomplish perfect performance in the job. Thus, his/her performance will eventually lead this job to a more secure situation. This way the person end up with a stable job that pays a lot.

Besides, some people may actually enjoy the challenges and risks of losing their job. These are the people who welcome changes in their lives. On the other hand, stable jobs may kill our gifts of human imagination and creativity.

Admittedly, some people have to take stability into consideration when they choose a job. Because they need the stable incomes to pay bills and support their families. A secure job, although it does not pay much, can make sure that an individual is able to make ends meet at the end of the month. However, money is not the only criteria of happiness. If someone is really interested in an area he/she should definitely find a job in that field even though that means he/she risks the chances of losing that job. For example my uncle works in the stock market. His job is highly unstable, especially nowadays during the economic crisis. But my uncle loves this job and nobody or nothing can persuade him to quit. He is willing to take the risks of being unemployed as long as he is doing something he loves right now.

In conclusion, as far as I'm concerned, having a low-paying secure job is no better than to have a high-paying unstable job.

Writing Feedback / Toefl---TV good or bad? [4]

This is another Toefl essay. This time I finally manage to finish it within 30 minutes:) Maybe because the topic is familiar. I've checked the spelling mistakes. Please give some advice. Thanks a million!

Television is one of the most influential inventions in the 20th century. It has brought us entertainment and information. However, the way I see it, the disadvantages of watching TV far outweigh the merits TV has provided us.

Firstly, watching TV has taken us so much time thus reducing our time to participate in other social activities. A poll conducted by Associated Press states that 85% of American spend an average of four and a half hours a day in front of TV. That's more than two months a year! Supposing a sixty-five-year-old person watches TV like this starting from ten years old, this individual has spent more than nine years in front of the tube! Just think about how much more one can achieve in this nine years' time instead of watching TV. She/he can learn to play a musical instrument, finish many books, join clubs and spend time with family and friends.

Besides, watching TV causes health problems. According to a survey conducted by WHO in America, TV is one of the major contributors to obesity; because when people are watching they usually have some snacks, and this interferes with their ordinary meals. Consequently, unhealthy diets are formed, causing obesity. Also watching TV is bad for people's eyes, which is especially true for young children.

Admittedly, TV brings us various information around the world and it makes the world smaller. Some people say TV is a good way to learn knowledge. However, this is not true after a further consideration. Scientists have concluded that watching TV decreases our creativity and our ability to read and write. This is often more true to children under eighth grade. Thus, TV harms the abilities of students to learn well in school, which is their primary source of information and knowledge. In other words, TV plays a negative role in education.

In conclusion, TV is more of a curse than a blessing because it takes up too much of our precious time, causes health problems and decreases our ability to learn.

I saw Simone said:"one-sentence paragraphs are not acceptable" in another thread. So I changed the conclusion part:
In conclusion, TV is more of a curse than a blessing in that it takes up too much of our precious time; causes health problems and decreases our ability to learn. All of us should be cautious not to be addicted to it.

Better than before?

Writing Feedback / Toefl--- fossil fuels will soon be replaced? [7]

Thanks for reading and commenting it in advance!
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topic: Renewable resources of energy (Sun, wind, water) will soon replace fossils fuels such as gases, oil, and coal. Do you agree or disagree?
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Although renewable resources of energy are elements of the current and future energy strategy, as far as I'm concerned, these new forms of energy cannot soon replace fossil fuels such as gases, oil, and coal.

Firstly, due to the limitation of technology renewable resources are relatively expensive. Researches in renewable energy cost a huge amount of money which developing countries cannot afford. On the other hand, fossil fuels are abundant and inexpensive in many areas. For example, it is estimated that China has the largest deposit of coal in the world and the government does not want to invest too much money on new forms of energy, say expensive solar batteries and wind farms. Thus the plan of renewable resources of energy may face challenges in that not every country can afford the reforming.

Besides, although utility companies claim that renewable energy is environmentally friendly; these new forms of energy may not be as clean and green as we think. Latest studies have shown that these renewable resources of energy are problematic as well and they are very likely to pose lone-term environmental hazards. For example, the dams built for hydroelectricity influence the water flows of the rivers and sometimes cause drought in areas in front of the dams. This damages the habitats of many valuable fish and wading birds. More importantly, the accumulation of heavy metal in the silt on the bottom of the rivers behind the dams is extremely difficult and expensive to clean up; leaving problems for the following generations. Thus renewable resources are not as reliable as we think.

Admittedly contemporarily fossil fuels cause serious environmental conundrums such as acid rain, deduction of ozone layer and global warming; these problems can be solved by improving efficiency of the mechanism and reducing emissions. For example we can use chemicals to desulfurize the emissions from plants and vehicles to avoid acid rain. These improving methods are often cheaper and simpler compared to the high-tech of renewable energy. With these solutions fossil fuels seem more sustainable.

In conclusion as promising as renewable resources of energy sound, there is no way those new forms of energy will replace fossil fuels soon.

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Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Media are paying too much attention to public figures' personal life? [2]

This is a TOEFL essay topic:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities. Use specific reasons and details to explain your opinion.

Welcome criticism! Thanks in advance!

Television, newspapers, magazines, internet and other media focus on everything about famous people. And as far as I am concerned, nowadays the media are paying too much attention to these people's personal lives in order to catch the public's eyes and increase the viewer rate of the media itself.

Media discloses anecdotes that have little to do with the celebrities' career to entertain the public claiming that the public has a right to know everything. But the truth is the public does not need to know everything personal about the famous. For example, knowing that a singer used to secretly date a movie star five years ago cannot help us define his position as a musician. Also the "news" that a senator used to smoke pot when he was young and innocent do not make him a bad legislator today. All those personal anecdotes in the past have little value in judging a celebrity at the present.

Besides, the constant annoying probing of the media invades celebrities' privacy. The interrogations of the media often focus on information that is too personal and they make the public figures embarrassed. Also, the famous seem to be stalked anytime they went out on some normal everyday activities. Everything about them may be a material for the gossip headline, such as the way they dress, the friends they have and even their life habits. The public figures have been sick of this and they hope that the media may go easy on them since they are just like anybody else--- a human being.

Admittedly the media plays a crucial role as a public monitor in supervising the famous. Without the media, we cannot gain instant access to news and the public figures will have much less influence upon our lives. The celebrities may indulge themselves without the fear of reducing their reputation. However, to monitor the famous does not mean that the media can probe into a celebrity's personal life. The media should focus on the public figures' career which they are supposed to do well in and leave the rest of their life alone.

In conclusion, contemporarily media like newspapers and magazines are concentrating too much on the public figures' personal life.

Writing Feedback / Toefl : professional athletes make too much money? [9]

Help Wanted. Feedback appreciated.
Topic: agree or disagree: professional athletes make too much money.

A huge amount people have animosity towards the fact that professional athletes make so much money annually. On the other hand teachers, soldiers, scientists and many other respected people, who make great contribution to our society, do not get paid much. So many people come to the conclusion that athletes do not deserve what they earn. However, the way I see it, salary does not define the intrinsic value of an occupation. Economically, professional athletes do deserve a fat pay check.

Firstly, professional athletes make huge income to the sports industry and the whole society. The sports industry is very unique because it can generate interest in so many aspects. A stadium can bring billions of dollars interest by selling tickets and endorsed sports gear like a star's jersey and signed sneakers. According to statistics, back in 1990s Michael Jordan alone brought more than 10 billion income to the economy annually. So now the fact that Michael Jordan earned several million a year does not seem absurd at all. Athletes are just like expensive products that make huge interest.

Besides, professional athletes are relatively scarcer compared to teachers, scientists and people in other professions. For example most of the people can make a good teacher when you put your mind into it. But rarely can one make a great athlete that the whole world would like to pay to see his performance. To be a professional athletes not only require hard work but talent and excellent physical conditions as well. Such as a person with average height can seldom become a good basketball play in the NBA. So the few people who make it good players deserve a high salary, say Allen Iverson and Nate Robinson. Thus professional athletes make great amount of money for their scarcity.

Admittedly, the entertainment that professional athletes provide us cannot compare to the scientific discoveries, good education, defense of the country in intrinsic value. Many people think money should be used in serious business for example to put into public health system. However, nowadays professional athletes do more than just play sports. They are respected as well because they donate huge amount money each year and they attend caring programs that help the development of the society. For example in the NBA Cares, players visit other countries like China to bring inspiration and encouragement. And the players also help with much community work. Using their reputation influential professional athletes make big difference to the community. Thus, professional athletes are doing a more valuable job than ever.

In conclusion, professional athletes deserve what they earn because they spur the economy with huge interest; they are scarce and they care about the society as much as others do.

Writing Feedback / iBTTOEFL essay - should university students take part-time jobs? [3]

This is the toefl essay I wrote. Please give me some advice. Thanks a lot. Really appreciate your help.

[b]Many university students have part-time jobs on or off campus. This phenomenon has now provoked wide public concern. Some skeptics argue that students come to the universities to study and what they need to do is to exercise their brain not making money. However these people fail to realize that part-time jobs during attendance in university can provide students so much more than just income. As far as I'm concerned university students should be encouraged to take part-time jobs because they can become more financially independent, gain new experience, make more friends and learn to balance their study and work.

Part-time jobs make students much more financially independent. With the help of the money earned in the jobs, some scholarship money and student loan, many students are able to afford the tuition as well as other fees required in university. It may be the first time they support themselves financially. According to a survey conducted by CollegeS&L, a college counseling company, more than 60 percent of the students in universities and colleges have a part-time job either on or off campus, and 45percent of them are able to pay for the tuitions by themselves with a little help from school. Taking part-time jobs is one step closer to an adult life for the students, who are very excited about the idea of being free from parents and live by themselves.

Besides, by taking a part-time job a student can gain access to new experience and new friends. Working environment is much different from a classroom and it has much to offer to the students which cannot be learnt from textbooks. A student working in a restaurant may taste the bitter and sweet of being a waitress and will have new respect for the occupation. Also she can learn some culinary skills and make friends with various kinds of people including the chef, other waitresses and many customers. A part-time job opens new doors for a university student.

Although working while studying in a university may influence the students' academic performance. The students may not have enough time left to do the assignments sometime and he/ she may feel tired after the job and have no energy left to study. However, this is a challenge that the students have to face. They have to learn to balance working with studying and form a new living habit. In order to keep up in both their study and work they have to be more self-motivated. And once the students achieve this they also gain a sense of accomplishment. They become more confidence in themselves and more courageous for the challenges that the future holds in store.

In conclusion, a part-time job benefits a university student in many ways in that it allows a student to be more independent, experienced and confident.