Posts by LadyOfClockwork [Suspended]

LadyOfClockwork

Feb 8, 2021

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1, what nursing graduates did in the UK [4]

I think the last sentence in the last paragraph can be further improved. I'd love to rewrite it as below:

-> Of the students who made the decision about three quarters work as hospital nurses.

LadyOfClockwork

Feb 8, 2021

Writing Feedback / The proportion of people who had a habit of eating five portions of fruit and vegetables every day [3]

Hello, I am not sure that women consume more vegetables and fruit than men. What I learn from the charts is that "in percentage terms, there are more women who eat that much of fruit and vegetable than men, who in turn exceed children"

LadyOfClockwork

Feb 8, 2021

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Each year, a number of languages fade into extinction [4]

Every year several languages die out.

Some people think that this is not important because life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Each year, a number of languages fade into extinction. Some people believe that it does not matter since it brings ease to life. I strongly disagree. In my opinion, the trend is anything but insignificant considering the protection of cultural heritage and the purpose of communication.

A language is not merely about letters, words and pronunciations but about a culture. Its dying out means that the culture vanishes, which can be a tragic loss. For instance, if the Chinese language was wiped out, the accumulated knowledge and history of would be lost. No longer could people gain a glimpse of China's five thousand years of civilization and draw on the treasure trove of art, science and technology to make the world a better place to live.

As to communication, language barrier is admittedly a major obstacle. If humans ended up speaking the same language, people from all around the world would lead an easier life as they could communicate with ease. However, communication is meant to exchange different ideas, thoughts, opinions and feelings, while people who speak the same language tend to have similar values and point of views. Fewer languages means that people have more difficulties benefiting from the diversity of thoughts, which is a source of creativity and inspiration.

In conclusion, I am in strong disagreement that the disappearance of several languages every year carries little importance because of the apparent convenience the trend brings to life. It makes it almost impossible to carry on the cultures the vanished languages represent. People also find it more difficult to learn from diverse thoughts by communication.

LadyOfClockwork

Feb 10, 2021

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Each year, a number of languages fade into extinction [4]

Thanks. To be frank, I am afraid I can't write a satisfied article on the topic even in my native language. I have no idea about "language dying off" actually. Still, I will try my best to improve my writing.

LadyOfClockwork

Mar 26, 2021

Writing Feedback / Self-employment became popular among the majority of people. Why is that? [6]

Hi, I think you may want to use some abstract words to give an overview of the paragraph and make it more coherent.

For example, why not try "flexibility"? I'd love to use it at the beginning of the second paragraph.

Flexibility is one of the factors that people take into consideration when they decide to be self-employed. They can enjoy unfixed schedule......

I believe it will make you essay more impressive.

As to grammar, I found some mistakes that you may want to correct. For example:

"As more and more expenditures ~~become~~ have skyrocketed (prehaps "have been skyrocketing"), while the wages that they earn ... have not seen any increase...

LadyOfClockwork

Mar 26, 2021

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows UK acid rain emissions, measured in million tonnes from four different sectors [5]

Hi. As a reader, I'm not happy with the "enormous change" sentence.

First, I think you could make it clearer. What "enormous change" took place? Was it a dramatic decline, a sharp increase or a wild swing? Second, I think you could give a more comprehensive overview.

If I were you, I would write as below:

The period given saw declines in acid rain emissions from electricity, gas and water supply, domestic industry and industries assigned to the 'other' column, though by varying degrees.

LadyOfClockwork

Mar 26, 2021

Writing Feedback / Future people will not buy printed newspaper or books, they will read everything they want online [3]

Hi, I think you could diversify your presentation by using synonyms for 'printed newspaper" instead of the word itself. It would show your mastery of English words.

Why not write the first sentence as "not a single person will buy physical editions of newspapers and books"?

Physical editions of newspapers are printed newspapers as opposed to aggregated news websites. In addition, "no body" means "not a single person".

LadyOfClockwork

Apr 7, 2021

Writing Feedback / Universities should focus on specialist subject - this is a much better choice. IELTS Writing task 2 [5]

Hi @CBQ. I'd love to discuss the sentence "it leads to undergraduates' poor motivation..."

I don't think the word "motivation" is a good choice. Actually, most of college students are required to learn a range of subjects but few of them are thus discouraged. In my opinion, "distraction" is a better choice. I'd like to write as below:

It leads to distraction. College students are forced to divert a considerable amount of time and energy to the subjects in which they are likely not interested as opposed to devoting themselves to those that they are motivated to learn.

LadyOfClockwork

Apr 7, 2021

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH POLITICAL ACTIONS TO STOP GLOBAL WARMING [6]

Hi @juliachung

As far as I know, the primary cause for global warming is not overconsumption of plastic or toxic industrial waste but greenhouse gas emissions, which I think you should foucs on. For example, you could say:

Because the government does not take concrete action to promote renewable energy including wind power, a great many people and companies still burn fossial fuel, thereby producing enormous carbon dioxide emissions, which are recognized as the culprit for climate change.

Discussion on overconsumption of plastic, in my opinion, is deviation from the topic.

To be honest, the topic of climate change is somewhat out of touch with daily life, so it is understandable that you are not familiar with it. But you have to prepare for it anyway because you will likely meet it in the test. If you know little about it, you may want to Google it to learn more about it. And remember to add the prompt the prompt next time, such as:

Climate change is now an accepted threat to our planet, but there is not enough political action of control excessive consumerism and pollution. Do you agree or disagree?

LadyOfClockwork

Apr 9, 2021

Writing Feedback / Nuclear energy is a better choice for meeting increasing demand, agree or disagree? [4]

Hi, as @Holt said, when the question is Agree/Disagree, all you are expected to do is to indicate your agreement or disagreement and detail your reasons, evidence and personal experience to support it. Make sure that you are not involved in a two-sided discussion where both advantages and disadvantages, cons and pros, are offered.

In this case, if you agree with the statement, you should only detail the advantages of nuclear power. If you don't, you should only detail the disadvantages. If you list both advantages and disadvantages, it will be a prompt deviation which will drag down your score.

I know that IELTS applicants including me are used to two-sided discussion, but there are topics where the format does not apply.

In addition, I have some reservations about the sentence:

"For instance, USA is able to provide electricity to more than 300 millions of citizens since it has a lots of nuclear power stations."

As far as I know, nuclear power is actually in decline in America. I don't think it a good choice to use the US to defend your position. It would be better if you said "nuclear energy is much more efficient in electricity generation than any other form of energy, because nuclear fuel is far more powerful than both traditional fossil fuel such as coal and other renewable energy including wind"

LadyOfClockwork

Apr 10, 2021

Writing Feedback / Many believe that individuals can do little to improve the environment. There's nothing we can't do. [3]

Hi. As @Holt said, I believe it would have been better if you had outlined the reasons for your position at the end of the last sentence in the first paragraph as opposed to giving ambiguous indications such as "reasons under", leaving readers confused. I don't think readers, especially examiners, have the time and intertest to play a guessing game, that is, to figure out themselves what the reasons actually are. They want to know the general idea of your essay at the very first glance at it.

If I write the essay, I will write "I totally disagree because individuals, however powerless they seem, can play a major role in environmental protection even through the simplest acts such as not littering"

Personally, I do not like your example "all of people throw trash to the sea in one day..." Perhaps you live by the sea, but there are a great many people who live in inner villages, towns and citys, and I don't think you example goes down well with them. In addition, domestic sewage and industrial easte are discharged at sea everyday, not "in one day", mostly at the hands of companys such as chemical plants instead of individuals.

Why not use simpler and clearer examples? Such as not littering. If most of people put trash in the bin rather than throw it carelessly, the environment will be more pleasant. That is the demonstration of individuals' power.

LadyOfClockwork

Apr 10, 2021

Writing Feedback / People buy things such as books, air tickets and groceries on the internet [5]

Hi, my fellow student. I noticed that the second paragraph contained as many as eight sentences. It is not quite good for IELTS writing, in my opinion.

When I first came to the forum, @Holt taught me that a paragraph should contain three to five sentences. I listed to her and saw improvement in my writing. I believe the advice also applies to you. Why not try to combine two or three sentences to one? For example:

I often buy some books on Tiki. Their service is really flexible
=> I often buy some books on Tiki, whose service is really flexible

In addition, I think that you should avoid using data, such as "In Canada, about 5% of population are staffs of online business company", unless it is common sense.

That is because by no means can you check data in the real test. Here is what the educational consultant taught me:

"Let me remind you that the testing center computers will be locked down and you will not have access to exterior internet sources. Practical examples that come from personal knowledge or experience always impresses the reviewer and also keeps you comfortable enough in your presentation to use better sentence structures throughout your essay."

I know my reviews are far from perfect, but I still hope they are helpful to you. Best wishes.