Undergraduate / 2 short essays: Why Chicago & My favourite film. [6]

Here are two short essays for U Chi. Please help me review them. Thanks!

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.

When I looked at the viewbook of Chicago for the first time, I saw the solemn buildings like Gothic castle. The carved patterns were just like winkles on an old philosopher's face. I was immediately filled with deep esteem to this shrine of knowledge and meditation. When I looked at it for the second time, still that building, this time I saw the vive trees and ivies surrounding it under golden sunlight. I was excited about this life and vitality. If the buildings are mind, the trees will be life, the life of mind. In my eyes, this is the perfect combination of thought and vigor.

I was always reflecting about myself when I applied for colleges. It gave me a chance to reflect on everything I have done and quest its meaning. Everything happens is something I should think about. I am also a boy who loves exploring. Even if ahead of me is an unknown destination, I will follow my heart, try with all my energy till exhaustion, just as the booming life in Chicago campus. I hope to walk into the ivory tower, then out of the ivory tower, and then brave to my dream.

Question 2. Would you please tell us about a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, magazines, or newspapers? Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own.

My favorite film is The Patriots. In this film, there is a picture that is deeply engraved in my mind: As American militias fled under the attack of British army, Captain Martin held a flag and marched forward. The Stars and Stripes was tattered. There were holes of bullets and blood of soldiers on it. However, its red color brightened under the golden sunlight, and soldiers were held back by Martin and fought again... I am not American, but I am still deeply moved. Had American people, who live in the world's strongest country, ever thought that their national flag had been on the verge of breaking?

Watching The Patriots, I was always thinking: what kind of life can be an ideal one? When I was talking about our career plans with my friends, someone told me: study finance! You can earn $100000 a year! Someone told me: study business! You can have mansions and fabulous cars. When more and more people dream about luxurious life, I ask myself: Are they that important?

Perhaps, Martin is not a famous person. His name will not be written into history textbook like General Washington. However, when he saw the rosy down of hope in the sky, when he saw the people he shed his blood for constructing the new world, and when he saw, if possible, the country he devoted his life to is going to be a rising land of freedom in the world, what will he feel then? In my eyes, those who can smile with satisfaction when reviewing their life courses are richer than any millionaire. I watched the Patriots for many times, but each time I still could not stop my tears when I see the house that is being built, the flourishing life in the field, and the booming future of the new world before Captain Martin. I love those creators, because they have left endless hopes and possibilities for the world.

Perhaps I do not have the noble spirit like those patriots, but I still believe that there is something beyond blonde, Ferrari and a mansion. No matter what life cause I am going, I will always revive this movie when I am numb and lost in material reality. I believe that a man who can live his life like Captain Martin is the happiest one in this world.

Here are my worries:
First, my first essay is based totally on an impression of this university. I talked about its value and vitality, which might be sort of vague. Do I need to be more specific, talk about my career plan, or intended major? I am writing in this way because I am not applying because of its good curiculum or major, but because I simply like the school, like its style.

Second, I am afraid my second essay is too long...But I am really passionate about the topic and feel hard to reduce the words into two paragraphs...How should I revise this?

Welcome any suggestions and critiques! I really appreciate your help!

Undergraduate / An experience that is plain fun [5]

Prompt:Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you have had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

I was in Hong Kong on November 7. After finishing the SAT, there were still 6 hours to my departure, I thought: where was I going? I did not know what's ahead and behind me. I looked at the sky scrapers blocking out the sky and the people coming and going for several seconds and then made up my mind: I am going to the sea! I did not have a map, but I have a compass on my watch. My only knowledge was that the sea was in the south, perhaps not too far away.

Above was the only sky. I looked at this immense city in front of me curiously, walking with only a rough direction in my mind. I saw the City University of Hong Kong and mingled into their campus with students. Some students were just having a commencement. The campus spurred my imagination of college. What should be an ideal college like? I have been searching and searching for the answer. I wanted to find pictures beyond rank, accepting rate and average score. Those sofas in the hall and the students talking there, typing on their laptop; the articles and posters on the "Wall of Democracy"; and the scent of latte from the café... I received colorful contents of the word "college".

I saw on the road unexpected sceneries, ordinary yet impressive. Boys played rugby in the roadside field, rushing and shouting; running people passed the busy streets swiftly, are they also heading the sea like me? I walked out of the malls. Workers sat beside the street, Quaffing from their bottles; I walked into the park. A baby in carriage laughed when seeing the fountain, and his mother then stopped and held him up. He clapped and clapped when touching the dancing water.

Finally, I arrived at the sea, after three hours of long march, exhausted. The scorching sunlight at 3:30 at Hong Kong roasted my body; my shoulders ached intensely because of my heavy school bag, and I felt as if my shirt had just been washed. There was not a single person on the levee, for all the benches were hot enough to burn an ant.

I watched around blankly: sky scrapers and golden, dazzling sea water. I told myself weakly; yes, you made it. Then I ran back with my last volume of energy and lay down under a tree.

I love exploring since young. Even if it is an unknown destination or an unclear direction, I will follow my heart and walk ahead, for the plain happiness. The destination is not what I really want; I have seen the most beautiful sceneries along the road. They are beautiful because they are unknown.

What I pursue in life is not the ultimate goal, but the kaleidoscopic pictures in the journey. I hope to see them and feel them with a vive heart, an exploring mind. I will still walk on to the next destination, even if I don't have a map. It could be a city I don't know, a subject I am not familiar with, even a business that no one has ever thought about. I may have only a rough image, a direction told by the North Star, and a dream, and that's enough.

(PS:I wrote about the same experience in another short essay for a different school. Generally the two essay carries the same idea, but the contents are different.)

Please help me have a look. Thanks!~

Undergraduate / 'Everyone was not satisfied with our monitor' - How did you get caught? [15]

How did you get caught? --- U Chicago's essay

Everyone was not satisfied with our monitor. My friends said that this guy was timid to make decision and unaware of our needs. Some suggested that I took place of him because I was a friend with everyone and they would be willing to have me as the monitor, but I laughed and refused. I just embarrassed the guy on every occasion, and our class was in a funny mess.

On December 27th, 2007, my sixteenth birthday, we went to an auditorium for a concert in the afternoon. Ms Wang told us to have lunch at school and arrive there by 1:30. However, a couple of my friends said they wanted to go out. "It's your birthday. Let's go somewhere else."

Their words stirred my will of rebellion. I looked at Ms Wang and thought, why should I listen to you?

Finally, we went to a pizza restaurant. Surprisingly, the monitor came with us. He sat at the same table though hardly anybody spoke to him. At last, I said to him, "Since you have come, let's eat together."

I was initially happy because I had "summoned him to surrender". Contrary to my expectation, he left the restaurant after eating only one piece. We immediately discovered that he was a spy who had gone to inform it to the teacher. It was 1:15 already! When we arrived at the auditorium, Ms Wang was right there waiting at the door while the monitor was snickering beside her. I was fooled; we got caught.

That day, Ms Wang talked a lot with me. She asked me why I insisted on breaking the rules and also led others to do so. "You are influential in the class. I will feel hard to manage everything if you take the lead to break the rules. Have you ever thought what I shall do if you do whatever you like and other boys too? I know you are not satisfied with the monitor, but I hope you can think ways to solve the problem, not to make more trouble to show your discontentment."

I went home alone that day. Ms Wang's words echoed again and again in my mind. I calmed down, and rethought what I had done all this days. I had always considered myself as a leader of the students, but was I? Is being a leader just like creating a mess in the class with my friends? A true leader should at least take his responsibility.

I was more orthodox after that day. I finally entered our class election and was elected as the monitor. Actually, that job was not easy. I once had prejudice over our former monitor because of his "inability", but the truth was that I didn't understand unless I was on his position. On many situations, our prejudice is not because of misunderstanding, but refusing to understand. Besides, shouldn't an open and friendly person be broadminded, aiming to do something good, rather than so cynical and always eager to find other's faults? If I can influence others, I should do something that is beneficial for everyone; if I cannot, I should at least comely with the rules. This will not make me look unintelligent. The important thing is not how much I can influence people, but how much I can benefit them.

The 7 boys who went together to eat out that day became brothers in our soccer team and short movie studio. When we were fighting together for our trophy and our movie, I felt completely different from before. We supported each other, finished the task together efficiently, and promised each other to cooperate again in the future. In those days, I realized the first time the true happiness of being a friend and a leader.

Please review. Thanks!~

Undergraduate / 'New ways / The Getaway' -Tufts University - Why Tufts? & Short Story [13]

Here are four essays...Please help me review. I really appreciate yoru help!!!

I. REQUIRED SHORT ANSWER
Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: ''Why Tufts?''
I was surprised when I happened to see Tufts' essay questions. I thought, Wow, it's so interesting, is this college application? I must write it, no matter what! My intuition just told me the open minded and creative atmosphere behind such a question. I long for a place which encourages diversity and exploration. Later, I knew the international perspective and "learn from difference" spirit of Tufts. It would be the best place for me, who is seeking fresh and exciting air.

II. REQUIRED SHORT ESSAYS

1. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.

My family has been moving from places to places, cities to cities since I am young. Every time I would adjust to a totally new environment. I was always excited about it. For me, there is no so called "comfort zone" because I am always walking into the unknown, and enjoying the excitement of exploration.

I like finding new ways and new areas. Several days ago, I explored the city of Hong Kong without a map. When there were still a few hours to my departure, I started from my SAT test centre with a compass as my only guide. I told myself: let's walk to the sea.

I saw on the road unexpected sceneries, ordinary yet impressive. I mingled into a college and watched students' commencement; I walked into the park and joined the boys playing rugby; I entered a Mosque and saw the people praying, who were happy to see a boy interested in Islam.

I finally arrived at the sea in exhaustion. It was my destination, but I had seen all the beautiful sceneries along the road. They are beautiful because they are unknown. What I pursue in life is not the ultimate goal, but the kaleidoscopic pictures in the journey. I will still walk on to the next destination, even if I don't have a map. I may have only a rough image, a dream, and that's enough.

2. Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014?

Soccer is more than a sport for me. It's a life style. Those qualities which are essential for a striker: speed, patience and seizing the chance, taught me how to do well on the field and in life.

I like sprinting on the field with high speed. Speed is the symbol of vitality. On the field, only young players can break through with high speed. It means unstoppable enthusiasm and a motivation to make progress. One's body will grow old, but his mind can be always young.

I also practice shooting a lot. In rapidly changing situation on the field, we need to make the difference in a second. Focus on the ball, keep calm, in practical and simple way, to achieve the only goal: to score. I always tell myself: Be patient, I need only one chance. I do not always run crazily, but I will watch carefully. A good player plays with brain, but a mediocre player plays with muscle. In life, I also believe that making the right decision at important moment can change a lot; it is more important than working hard but thinking little. On the other hand, careless "shoot" will waste our efforts before.

Maybe I won't be able to step into professional career, but I hope to work like a striker in life. Even when I am too old to speed up on the field, I will still keep the energy and passion of a young player, stay calm and efficient, and shoot accurately.

7. Write a short story using one of the following titles:

a. House of Cards
b. The Poor Sport
c. Drama at the Prom
d. Election Night 2044
e. The Getaway

My choice: The Getaway

Professor Feinstein woke up when he heard the sound inside the wall. Moments later, a tiny robot fell inside his room. There were a tiny microphone and a timer on that. He picked up the thing. It was the voice of Joseph, president of Juri Republic. "Professor, our police have arrived outside the prison. They are ready to rescue. The Gene Mutation Machine has been fixed. We are right here waiting for you to activate the program."

Feinstein was filled by a sense of pride and responsibility when he heard the words. He had been trapped in the Magogian prison for a month, when his country was routed in the world war. The president stopped and then he heard the voice of chief spy. "Professor, go out from room No 5, and then No 24. The gate code had been deciphered by our engineers. Please be quick and you have only 10 minutes."

The key of his lifetime has arrived, he thought. He must go out, and save his country.

He walked out of the cell towards the gate. No5, No24, No17... Suddenly, a man came to him. "Professor, my wife is now having difficult giving birth to a baby. She is in great danger. I know you are a doctor, and ...can you..."

"I am sorry, but..." He walked ahead before the man to finished speaking.

"Beep, Beep." Harsh sound from his timer. He had only 7 minutes to go. He quickened his steps.

"Ouch!" it was the woman's cry. The man ran back.

A chill came over Feinstein. He stopped, and could not help looking back "Beep, Beep." He looked at the timer: 5 minutes left. The red light on it began to flash. He moved one step further, but his heart throbbed heavily. His rationality and determination moved him ahead, although each step is like pulling his foot out of a morass with great effort.

He heard the woman's cry again and was all of a tremble. He took a deep breath. His face was full of sweat and his hair seemed to have just been washed. He wiped the sweat on his forehead with his left hand. Suddenly, he saw something sparking.

It was a ring his college president gave to him when he graduated.

He stopped.

He gazed at the ring. It was still sparking, after 30 years. The words engraved on that had not yet all been abraded. He read out, softly and slowly.

"Peace and light."

He shook his head and sighed.

He turned back, to the man's room.

"Beep, Beep." 3 minutes. He took out the timer, looked at it for a second, and then threw it away.

3.2.1. Suddenly, the warning system restarted and the whole prison was full of red alerts. Professor was just taking out the baby when 20 soldiers rushed into the room and captured him.

The escape of Professor Feinstein shocked the government of Magog. Magogian President Gog decided to attack in advance to stop the start of Gene Mutation Machine. 20 minutes later, he gave an urgent speech to the country and commanded, "To exterminate the use of mass destruction weapon and protect the future of human. Our army will now start the general war with Juri. My fellow citizens, let's fight for humanitarianism!"

(PS:"Peace and Light" is the motto of Tufts University)

This is perhaps the longest thread I have ever posted...anyway, it's a special school which has a long list of essays.
I really appreciate your help!!!!!

Undergraduate / 'Soccer and smashing my dreams' --- Common app short answer [12]

This is the first draft of my Common app short answer.

My first match in Chinese Soccer School was a nightmare: all my fantastic dribbling skills lost their magic. After the match, coach told me, "You may have some talent in soccer, but you will achieve nothing without well-trained basics."

His words smashed my dream. I could not imagine practicing endlessly like other mediocre players. At last, I gave up my childhood dream of playing artfully like a trickster, just kept running, passing, and shooting. Realizing later that my friends still played the way I did before, I understood: "talent" will not make a master. Without sound basis, any flowery skill is useless.

I changed not only the way I played soccer, but also my attitude toward everything: I no longer believe that talent can be the shortcut to success, but stay modest and make steady progress. Coach's words always echo there: "you will achieve nothing without good foundation."

thebabybull Edit Delete Move 76.14.44.181
Nov 8, 2009 #10

I am worrying about my theme and language because there are simple too many people who write about the sports, yet this is truly the thing that changes me. I hope I can express the truth in the short answer. I will appreciate any comment and critique. Please review, thanks!

Undergraduate / Why essay ----- why Hamilton ---- thanks! [3]

Hamilton is a school that teaches students to speak and write clearly. I wrote the essay based on a true story. Please help me have a look. Thanks a lot!

Why Hamilton

I have two habits since childhood. The first one is making friends; the second one is chatting with them. After travelling together in the world of history, politics, and our future dreams, I was always extremely excited for finding another bosom friend. Since then I had enjoyed the happiness of speaking and was eager to talk to anyone.

One day in August 2008, I got the news that one of our schoolmates, Ding, was going to study in an American college. He was an outstanding figure in our school. Unfortunately, I never had the chance to meet him, not to mention talk. I went to the farewell party excitedly, but was quite embarrassed because I didn't know what to talk about. At last, I put forward the most awkward question.

"Excuse me, which school are you going?"
"Hamilton."

I never heard of this word, but I still imprint the name on my memory. It was a pity that my first meeting him was also the last. Before saying goodbye, an idea popped into my mind: I can get his e-mail. Upon arriving home, I sent a long e-mail fully expressed my wishes.

More than I could imagine at that time, the e-mail started our communication which extended for a year when I established friendship with him. Making a friend purely by written words, I began realizing the magic of writing. Meanwhile, I read everything in his blog: form the start of the new student orientation in August 23rd, to his first composition spent 10 hours to finish.... Finishing the last feast: Class and Charter Day on May, 9th, 2009, I suddenly felt a loss facing the long holiday with nothing to read regularly every Friday evening: I have to wait for three months for the next semester. I found the excitement of reading a novel in which both the swimming test and alcohol had been engraved in my mind. I anticipated the Season II and even wanted to live in that colorful world myself.

Last month, my friend Zack showed me his new issued magazine. Turning the pages, I was shocked by one article: it was from Ding's blog. "No kidding." I laughed, "This is a free write. How can you use this?"

"Read this," Zack said, "read the opinion, demonstration and logic. I think it's worth putting in a magazine. Then I e-mailed him for publication."

"He is really a great writer," I thought. "Did the college teach this?" I entered the site of Hamilton with the question. Three words flashed: write, learn, and think. Yes, the answer was here. I made the decision to apply almost at once. But the reasons behind had accumulated for years when I logged in his blog every Friday, when I typed each word in my e-mails with genuine emotion, and when I talked with my friends happily.

My reflection did not end. Had not I loved talking with everyone, I would not have made so many friends; had not I written that long e-mail on a whim to one I met only once, I would not have met Hamilton, either. For me, the power of language rests in happiness and satisfaction of communication. Why am I applying for Hamilton? More than any ambition, I am looking for a place where I can learn how to express my thoughts to get resonance and friendship. Maybe when I am writing, a next child like me is also constructing his dream in my words.

I felt some my habits: writing and talking match the feature of the school. I am not sure if I express the meaning well enough because I tell the story in most words. Please review...Thanks!