Undergraduate / Story of My Own - NYU Poem Prompt #2 (comment for comment?) [9]

I aim to be for justice what Wyatt Earp could not
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This is a little awkward

I aspire to succeed where Carnegie never did
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Hmm.. I feel this is weaker than the others because it's a lot more general than the other ones (in the other references, you imply their specific successes like love, justice, etc. but in this one you just say success).

If it's syntax things you're looking for that's what I've found!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Holden Caulfield [12]

No problem c:

Undergraduate / FSU-"Vires, Artes, Mores"-my experiences in life (first draft) [7]

Your first sentence is rather typical and dull, so you may want to change that.

"He purposed that I travel with..."
Do you mean proposed?

The descriptions of your experiences are nice, but you don't really address the Vires, Artes, and Mortes enough.. Which example is Vires, Artes, and Mortes? Or at least add in the character traits in. I can kind of tell that your first body is Vires and your second is Artes, but there is no Mortes, which you put in your introductory paragraph. You should take Mortes out if you are not going to write about it.

Undergraduate / 'Moving to Texas' - achievement, risk or ethical [3]

How did the cultural differences help you focus on academics? Broadening your horizon doesn't mean you automatically become more studious and do extra activities.

Also, your first line is lackluster. It should be shape your life, not "one's life," since you start describing an experience of your own later. You can also take out the "I believe." We know it's your opinion, and in any case most people already know this.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Holden Caulfield [12]

But you can't just ignore something that important just because you think it will weaken the essay. You need to mention it and then dismiss it somehow, maybe discrediting his feelings towards Phoebe. Otherwise, it just seems like you didn't add it in because you didn't know how to deal with it and hoped that the admissions officers wouldn't notice (which you are doing). Also, saying outright that Holden is a failure is a bit too absolute -he is reforming in the end, is he not? Of course, I've read it recently, so I suppose I'm being a little too picky, but with famous examples you have to be careful. From your writing, I don't think you've read the book carefully enough to be able to write a good essay on this. How can you be significantly influenced by a character in a book when you glide over several things or get events wrong?

Your point about pessimism isn't exactly true, either (optimists have less problems? And they don't necessarily change negatives into positives. That's far too assumptive.).

An essay usually appears more insightful when it is a well-written essay without complete absolutes ("I want to do everything he is not"), but if that is too difficult then yes, you should stick to your current thesis.

The paragraph does give more insight to how it relates to you, but I'm not really sure the prostitute part works out. For one, Holden doesn't even sleep with the prostitute, and for another, I am very doubtful that you would be able to acquire one in that situation (and in any case, your circumstances are probably a lot more different than yours. Have you seen someone commit suicide before? Have you been kicked out of various schools? You glide over a lot of topics and it makes it seem like you haven't thought this through enough.) I don't think this example is strong enough, either; it doesn't really give enough details to make it interesting. For all I know, it can be made up, since it is so vague.

Again, the essay is supposed to be more about you. You mostly give ideals about what a person should do and what you're trying to do and what you will do, but you don't really say what you have done.

Sorry about the long criticism ^^;

Undergraduate / "Brett, you're so fat." "Lose some weight!" - Experience; Common App [6]

Oh, wait, I take that back, I forgot about the difference between overweight and obese. :) But judging from the scale of underweight~overweight, it takes quite a lot to be overweight. In any case, a lot of products are aimed towards the normal/underweight, so yes, taking it out seems to be best unless you can make it more relevant.

Undergraduate / RU is a vibrant community - Be critical of the essay [6]

Sorry, haha, hope it was helpful ^^;

Undergraduate / 'Sharing something in common' - Lehigh University Essay : Equity and Community [4]

This is well written with pretty sturdy grammar, but I have to admit that this was rather boring. I found myself glazing over a few points. The opening sentence, though relevant, sets the tone for the entire essay as somewhat bland.

I don't think you should add things like "to me," since we know that it's your opinion. Also, I'm not really jumping with joy at the rhetorical questions. You ask a question and call it an example; though most may agree with you, it's still not the greatest idea.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Holden Caulfield [12]

Well, I think the admissions officers (as well as myself) would be assuming that you gave it a reread. If you're just basing this on something you've read years ago, maybe you should use a different character.

In regards to the length, it's not too short, but perhaps you can use an extra 100 words. 500 words is a good approximate.

If you're really set on being not like Holden Caulfield, then you should definitely go back to the book and note all of the main traits about him. If not, it's better to note where you would differ and where you would be like him.

Undergraduate / "Brett, you're so fat." "Lose some weight!" - Experience; Common App [6]

Yes, but you wrote "nearly a third." And you're wrong about 67%; about 31% of adults are overweight/obese. That's not a majority. We would have obese people walking all over the streets and it would be pretty apparent if it was that large of a majority, and Congress would enact a lot more health-obesity programs.

Thing is, you address how you don't fit in the "obese world," but what about the "normal world?" If you don't want to change yourself and gain fat, then why do you even want products aimed at becoming fatter? The products aimed at "obese people" is so that they can loose weight.

Well, if you can fix up the essay to tell how it is significant to you, by all means go for it. But if you have something that is even more significant, you should write about that. The topic is all your decision. But yes, your essay needs definite work in that category.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Holden Caulfield [12]

I think you write far too much about Holden and you don't write enough about yourself. This seems more like an essay about the character of Holden Caulfield, and you don't really give any detailed explanation of the influence and you don't really describe the influence, either. Sure, you say you'll avoid certain things and try to become more optimistic, but those seem like empty words. Do you have any anecdotes? At least go into the influence in detail.

Also, what about Caulfield's feelings towards Phoebe, his sister? The admissions officers probably have read the Catcher in the Rye, and it seems to be a serious hole in your essay. I think you should address it somewhere, as that is key to his character (since you wrote about a 180 degree change. May be different if you only write specific points and don't totally antagonize his character.)

Undergraduate / RU is a vibrant community - Be critical of the essay [6]

Okay, you have several problems within this essay.

For one, you don't explain exactly how each experience influenced you or benefit you. The first paragraph especially seemed like a laundry list of all these different people you met. It gets tiring, as if you're just showing off how many types of people you know, even if that is not your intention. It may be better to simply mention some groups (for example, "I've become friends with different backgrounds such as Ethiopia, India, and Poland") and give one group a detailed description with the impact it gave you rather than try to list them all with a short description.

Your second paragraph is confusing and too assuming. For one, living in America itself, in comparison to the children in Africa is a huge advantage that you should not dismiss. It seems as if you are disregarding their hardships for a moment in the middle of this paragraph. Again, you jump from Africa to the beach and I can't really figure out your point.

Your conclusion is too abrupt and the second paragraph especially is too informal ("I felt kind of bad" or "you could swear that we were in Europe everybody there was white").

Most importantly you don't really even answer the prompt. You barely address how a diverse situation would benefit you and you don't say how you would contribute to the environment. You leave it to the reader to infer that all of these experiences will make you some unique person that will add to the diversity, but how? How have all these experiences affected you and how did you contribute back? (At least this will give examples to how you will contribute and how you will benefit.)

Undergraduate / As a native Floridian... FSU Application Essay ("Vires, Artes, Mores") [7]

The first paragraph is misleading; it made me think that you saw the literal words of Florida State University, but then you said that you didn't know what they meant. You should probably reword that.

This whole essay is way too general. It's better to focus on one of the three rather than skim over them all. You have to give more specific examples, especially for Artes and Mores. How exactly did your family's beliefs influence you? That's what we want to know.

Take the Artes part of your essay -it sounded a bit like you were saying "Artes is embodied in my life because I use Artes-like stuff!"

Your Vires section is more on the right track. If you can't think of good instances or backup for the other two, just focus on that one instead of giving them all minimal attention.

Undergraduate / "Brett, you're so fat." "Lose some weight!" - Experience; Common App [6]

I'd give several comments to the more technical things about this essay, but I'm concerned about the topic in general.

You always have to remember in your essays: So what? What is the point of this essay? You described an experience, but you didn't exactly tell us why it was so significant. How did it change your life? To me, it just sounded like you were describing a pet peeve for longer than it deserved.

It seems to be a serious mistake in making yourself the "underdog" in your second to last paragraph. Sure, there's a market for weight loss services, but 1/3 is not a majority. There are plenty of technically underweight people, perhaps just as many as those who are obese. You need to give more details or cut that out.

The problem with this essay is that it doesn't have much direction. You don't reveal much about yourself (besides barely touching on the surface about self-image problems), you do not truly tell us how this is significant, this does not delve into a social issue.

Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

Er... yeah, don't do that. o___o; If you are found out, you'll get your application rescinded. Plus, they can tell from your SAT essay, other essays, and etc.

Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

Depends on what UC. It's not particularly poignant, but it's not altogether too boring. If well written, it could be "good enough." I'd have to see your written correction of the transition to determine my opinion c:

Undergraduate / I'm like a lot of things - UCF What qualities or unique characteristics [3]

I enjoy the analogy, but this entry lacks enough interesting description.

I disagree with Liebe on th elast two sentences, mostly because it's clear that you are not talking about doing fertilization yourself and I don't see anything too vain about the sentence.

But yes, you have to develop your analogy more and work on your grammar overall. I would honestly suggest just rewriting the whole thing with those themes in mind.

Writing Feedback / Not only should we search for a high grade, but also a future of further education. [4]

And... if there are no grades, then people may not bother to do either.

You need to offer some type of solution, and your input is confusing. So do you not want grades at all, or are you saying that they should stay but they aren't necessarily good? Of course we all know that some people just go for the grade an not for the "learning," but what we want to know how you think it should be arranged. What is the prompt?

Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

Maybe you can switch to something along the lines of "As most people drive into the city of Vegas, their first thoughts are always 'Wow! Look at all those pretty lights.' But what they don't imagine is that they are about to enter a twenty-four hour party."

Then again, deleting the two sentences altogether and trying to think of a new one sometimes works, too.

Undergraduate / He played the violin; The sound of music [11]

Haha, since we've been contributing, it seemed appropriate that I contribute to yours as well... XD

The first sentence is uncharacteristically awkward compared to the rest of the essay. I'm not really sure if the boy part should be taken out, but the "actuality" is strange and perhaps you should add in "his music" to avoid confusion? Also, delve, not "duelve."

I think this is a well described example of how you became such a musician, but you stray off the topic just a little bit. I didn't really catch your strengths and weaknesses, mostly just your feelings about music. It's well written, but keep in mind that you should always answer the prompt. This is the main problem: you describe music far too much compared to the second half of the prompt, especially since it's reminiscent of other poignant music-describing works.

Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

Yes, do not use the word "you." What if the reader does think that way? I doubt they'll think too much on it, but it's usually not a good idea to assume the reader will do this and this.

As pcvrz34g said, there isn't enough connection. You described the world you came from, and your dreams, but you haven't told us how it has shaped those dreams. I'd say the "I believe that it's because families here aren't as well connected to each other like families from some other states, though I am not sure why this is. Yes, Las Vegas is a beautiful, cultured, exciting place, but there are a lot of things that people misconceive when they come here.

Thankfully, I have always had a strong supportive foundation of family, and I have always had many things to engage myself in." part is the place. I would probably not add in the "though I am not sure why this is" part, and the two sentences following it doesn't describe much.

Undergraduate / "172 pounds." - Need help with the main essay. [7]

I didn't really find any problems with the quotations. I mostly agree with buglady. This essay was cute, though perhaps a tad typical.

Undergraduate / "trying to get into UC Davis" - My lovely personal statement! [11]

Ditto to the corrections above.

Okay, although you do make a fairly well done attempt at connecting your essay to an overall message, I find that you seem to overlook a lot of things in the process. I mean, throughout the essay, I was wondering: what about your father's guidance? Sure, he was at work most of the time, but to say that you don't need guidance at all is a stretch. You can even get "guidance" from other outside stories and such.

However, it's pretty difficult to describe these complexities in a limited essay, but this statement seemed too assumptive for me.

Undergraduate / "I got a detention in third grade." Stanford Short: Letter to Roommate [12]

I like this, it's funny, except to answer your question about the conclusion it isn't really that strong. You assume too much about the roommate in the end (what if this person doesn't think great allocation is fantastic? What if he's a total slob and likes it that way?), but I do like the last sentence.

Undergraduate / "The Luger" - Stanford Common Application essay! [10]

Sorry, this will be a bit repetitive to other responses but I hope it helps ^^;

Now, it's fine if you focus on the gun, but I don't have much familiarity with Lugers, and it's not very easy to follow along this essay. As Simone said before, include a simple description -saying that it's difficult to explain would only emphasize your ineptitude for description.

I can't tell you what specifically to take out, as it's your decision to choose which is important or not, but shorten your description. Though it seems that the wonderfully described Harvard essays are also long, they are also probably concise -I notice that some of the similes were unnecessary/not very good (like a spider climbs a wall?). Use the space to incorporate your last paragraph. It seems really random right now.

Definitely work on grammar. It bothered me the whole time and made me want to stop reading it. "Mass of steal" and the constant tense changes weren't working.