Posts by irsaqisthi

irsaqisthi

Dec 22, 2019

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Children should be free to choose activities in their free time? [2]

Dear Nguyen,
Overall, it is a well-writen essay that only contains minor errors, for example:

1. "There are valid arguments on ~~both side~~ sides"
The word "both" should be followed by a plural noun as it indicates two subjects, in this case there are two sides who agree and disagree with the notion.

2. "when they get involved in ..."
It will be better if you take some time to proofread your essay to minimise spelling mistakes.

3. "Due to the freedom of ~~the~~ choices ..."
To avoid using inappropriate word choice, you might need to check whether or not you have written it in a right way.

4. "It is true that these activities have ..." => "Many studies have shown that these activities bring vital soft skills..."
In order to make the essay more concise, you might want to consider to change your sentence:

irsaqisthi

Dec 22, 2019

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 : Solar Energy for Water Heating and Panels Location [4]

Hi Mr. Bilal,
Thank you for providing me with insightful advices related to IELTS writing task 1. In return, I would like to give you some feedback as well, hoping that it will help you improve your writing.

... the (1) process of ... and ~~location options~~ possible locations (2) to ...

In my opinion, you already wrote a good, concise introduction. However, you still need to pay a close attention to the article usage (1) and paraphrase the words (2).

Overall, the heating system begins (1) to run ... until ~~when~~ (2) water falls (3) to ~~water~~ the (4) tank, it (5) ready ~~to use~~ (6) for daily use. ... where ~~to put solar panels~~ the solar panels can be installed (6).

Based on my observation, you may need to be more careful when it comes to subject verb agreement as you made several grammatical errors as seen in number (1) and (3). Besides, you should omit several words, like number (2) and (4) to write the essay more succinctly. I suggest you to carve out some time to check whether or not your word choice is approriate, for example: "ready to use" can be changed into "ready for daily use" (5). Also, when using an adjective clause, you need to follow it with subject and verb. In this case, I give you a correction using passive voice to widen the grammatical range.

irsaqisthi

Dec 15, 2019

Writing Feedback / Solar Powered Heating System and Location Options for Solar Panels [2]

the solar power used for heating

The diagram depicts water heating system with solar power and location alternatives for solar panels installation.

Overall, the water heating system powered by solar produces and transfers the energy to raise water temperature. Also, there are two positions and several rules for solar panels installments.

As its name suggests, solar powered water heating system takes energy from the sun to heat up water. The sun's energy is collected by solar panels to keep thermal fluid at a high temperature. The fluid is pumped using controller to provide heat to the coil. In the water tank, cold water is stored and boiled using the heating coil then delivered to taps and shower.

To optimise the sun's energy, the solar panels can be installed on the roof or ground at a 90° angle to the sun. When placed on the roof, the panels are above any blockages though it may be difficult for cleaning and maintenance. But it's the other way around if the panels are installed on the ground. In any case, the panels should face south and not be obstructed by trees or any other objects.

WaterHeating.jpg

irsaqisthi

Dec 15, 2019

Writing Feedback / Many people prefer to watch foreign films rather than locally produced films. Why could this be? [4]

Dear Maika,

I would like to give you some feedbacks, hoping that they could help improve your writing. Unfortunately, there are some grammatical errors in your writing. To reduce such mistakes, it will be better for you to check the grammar and proofread your work.

For example:
- "many ..." can be changed to "many people prefer watching foreign films to local ones".

- "Financial support encourages ..."

You might want to change the way you write the introduction so it becomes more well elaborated. Let me give you an example:

- "This essay will ..." can be altered to "This essay will provide readers with the reason behind low preference for local films and suggestions to solve the problem."

- "In order to explain why ..." can be edited to "There are several reasons why people consider foreign films more enjoyable than local ones".

Also, you need to be careful in deciding when to use singular or plural.
- "... low budget causes viewers prefer ..."

irsaqisthi

Dec 15, 2019

Writing Feedback / The chart illustrate the amount of fish and some sorts of meat consumed by citizens of Europe [3]

Dear Windy,

I would like to provide you with some feedbacks. Hopefully, it can help you improve your writing. Firstly, you might not need to write the instruction and could post your essay right away. As explained in the introduction, the figures shows the consumption of fish and various kinds of meat in a European country. Hence, instead of using "citizens of European territory", you might want to change it into "citizens of European territory". Then, you should omit the time and include both language of change as well as comparison in the overview. Also, you need proofread your writing to avoid any typos and redundancies, i.e.:

- "..." can be changed to "in the period of ~~time from~~ 1979 to 2004".
- "[i]Overall, it is clear that..." can be altered to "Overall,..." or "It is clear that..." (You can choose one.)
- "the European ~~attended~~ tended to eat less beef"
- "~~That~~ The number ... fluctuation ~~throughout~~ for 7 years."
- "... was recognized at 150 grams ..."
- "In the contrary , fish's ..." can be edited to "On the contrary, the figures for fish consumption were relatively stable yet remained the lowest."

irsaqisthi

Dec 12, 2019

Writing Feedback / User Engagement for Social Networking Sites [3]

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and LinkedIn

The average user engagement for four social networking sites is presented in the table and pie chart.

Overall, Facebook and Twitter are two sites with the highest average visits and market shares in spite of the lowest daily usages. Meanwhile, Instagram and LinkedIn users spend the longest time on the sites but show the reverse.

The figures clearly indicate that Facebook and Twitter users spend the least amount of time on the sites with 0,8 and 0,6 hours per day on average. However, the average daily visits for Facebook and Twitter are the highest among fours social networking sites. Furthermore, Facebook and Twitter have the biggest market shares with respective percentage of 50,25% and 19,96%.

The average hours users spend everyday on Instagram and LinkedIn are 1,4 and 1,7 hours becoming the highest among four sites. By contrast, Instagram and LinkedIn show the lowest visits with averages of 16,6 and 7,2 times per day. The proportion of market controlled by these two sites are also the smallest, constituting 18,45% and 11,34%.

IMG_20191213_010624_.jpg

irsaqisthi

Dec 12, 2019

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing task 1 IELTS Oman and Spain Populations by its citizens' age [4]

Dear Mr. Yasin,
I would like to give some feedbacks on your essay.
1. ... percentage of 62%
2. second biggest group accounted for a quarter of population
3. You might want to add adjective to give better explanation, exp. a noticeable growth, a slight incline, etc.
4. There will be an incline in...
5. Middle-aged people
6. ~~the greatest one~~ in the state => the largest population in the state
7. ~~hugest of all ages~~ => biggest of all age groups

irsaqisthi

Dec 11, 2019

Writing Feedback / Teenagers' Preference for Fast Food Restaurants in Vietnam and Indonesia [3]

the choice of particular fast food chains

The pie chart presents the proportion of teenagers' preference for three fast food restaurants in Vietnam and Indonesia from 2017 to 2027.

In 2017, the percentage of teenagers eating at Burger King, McDonald's, and KFC in Vietnam were 52,8%, 43,1%, and 4,1% respectively. The figures showed that Burger King was the most preferred restaurant in Vietnam. However, the most popular restaurant in Indonesia was McDonald's chosen by 60,8% teenagers, followed by KFC and Burger King with respective percentages of 23,8% and 15,4%.

In the next 10 years, the proportion of teenagers choosing McDonald's in Vietnam is projected to rise by 14,3%, overtaking that of Burger Kings which is predicted to decrease by 13,8%. Meanwhile, the percentages of teenagers eating at KFC will show noticeable increases but remain being the lowest in Vietnam. By contrast, the preference of Indonesian teenagers for McDonald's will significantly reduce to less than 50%, but those for KFC and Burger King will show the reverse.

Overall, the percentage of teenagers choosing Burger King was initially the highest in Vietnam, while the most preferred fast food outlet in Indonesia was McDonald's. However, the latter is predicted to rapidly increase and eventually become the most popular restaurant in both countries.

IMG_20191211_224059_.jpg

irsaqisthi

Dec 11, 2019

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 (Pie Charts describing about 3 most preferred FF Restaurants in Viet and Indo) [5]

Instead of using "youngers", you can use "youngsters" as an alternative term to "teenagers". However is usually used in the beginning of sentence. It will be better if you use other conjunctions in the last sentence, for example by contrast, in contrast, or on the contrary.