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Posts by huyjunnie
Name: TRAN QUANG HUY
Joined: Apr 25, 2020
Last Post: Aug 15, 2022
Threads: 4
Posts: 11  
Likes: 4
From: Việt Nam
School: TRAN HUNG DAO HIGH SCHOOL

Displayed posts: 15
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huyjunnie   
Aug 15, 2022
Writing Feedback / IELTS@In many countries, people spend more and more time away from their families. What causes this [3]

Please note that the word count on your essay isn't met the IELTS requirements for task two. You can extend by brainstorming more ideas and dig deep further into your original ideas.

The introduction is bad, although you make your attempt to paraphrase the question.
My recommendations: In some countries → In some parts of the world / people spend → invest their time in //
There are many particular culprits explaining this problem, ...

Your essay's body is lack of coherence and another required paragraph. You have to divide your ideas into two different paragraphs, so more ideas should be added.

It seems that you cannot develop your idea in a more extended way since you only put the reasons without anything supporting for them.
Grammatical aspect of your essay is repetitive and bad.
Overall, you should think of ideas carefully and ensure that your vocabulary range is enough to make a full essay.
huyjunnie   
Jul 31, 2022
Writing Feedback / task 1 : The topic was given in the picture (car ownership in the UK) [3]

Honestly, after looking through the essay, I have some certain feedback about this essay.
- Firstly, you need to focus on capitalization rules, so you have to use upper-case on the first letter when starting a new paragraph. It's important!

- You should condense your general trend in just one sentence, and you can describe the graph more particularly in the next paragraph.
- There are some unclear points in your essay.
"In the next 10 years, both the categories witnessed ..." → What categories? It is confusing.
- "The figure of one car" → The graph talks about car ownership, and it is not correct at all.
- Adverbs about contrast, comparison, similarity,... are recommended to emphasize the changes.
- Grammar structures seem to be fine, but you should use complex sentences to specify alterations.
huyjunnie   
Feb 9, 2022
Writing Feedback / THE INFLUENCE OF PHONE CALLS [3]

THE INFLUENCE OF PHONE CALLS



Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Does this development have more positive or negative effects on both individuals and society? (Dated: September 9th, 2017)

At present days, as technology increasingly develops, a cell phone has become an integral part of people's lives when they facilitate mobile phones for work and personal contact all the time. Despite some demerits it brings about, its beneficial aspects outweighed those.

On the one hand, there are several particular benefits from the smartphone we can derive from. First of all, via mobile phone, geographical obstacles could not render us isolated from our families and friends. For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic, face-to-face contacts will be mostly restricted; hence, we still can hold phone calls with our families to stay in touch with each other. Moreover, regarding business and education, telephones may aid communication and exchange of information swiftly so that the efficiency and effectiveness are fostered. Therefore, a majority of enterprises capitalize on online contacts to assign their employees work and for business discussions without meeting in person.

On the other hand, some detrimental impacts of cellphones on daily life should not be overlooked. Initially, it could be a nuisance since mobile phones manipulate people and deprive them of personal freedom and privacy. For instance, a bombardment of phone calls for work at night could disrupt our valuable sleeping time and cause a great deal of time. In addition, in terms of relationships, they will be transformed in the adverse manner at the presence of cellphones. It could be attributed to the fact that people opt to make brisk calls to keep up-to-date about others instead of regular meetings, so people could be virtually linked but factually separated.

In conclusion, albeit disadvantageous to some extent, positive influences of phone calls are more significant.
huyjunnie   
Sep 11, 2021
Writing Feedback / It is true that environmental problems are not received care enough from citizens [3]

Hi, I would like to point out your errors in your essay.
1. The first grammatical mistake is noticeable in the first line of your introduction.
not received care enough from citizens. → enough care/sufficient care
2. Using the word "enough" one more time is not a good idea.
3. ... both these ideas will be discussed. → You use as if it was a discussion essay. You should only show your agreement/disagreement.
4. Some phrases are not really suitable to an academic context. (it seems like)
5. people do not alarm how important... → using "alarm" makes its meaning weird. "be aware of" is better.
6. You sometimes use "inappropriate" words.
7. ... the more polluted the environment are IS.
huyjunnie   
Sep 8, 2021
Writing Feedback / Many people argue that high income is far more essential than job happiness [4]

Hi, I would like to give some feedback on your essay.
1. The first sentence of your introduction is lengthy and ambiguous. You should split it into simpler sentences.
2. I don't think the word "everlasting" can match with "need". "long-term" is far better.
3. as well as they afford --> redundant
4. Nowadays is a cliché that shouldn't be used in your essay.
Anyways, your grammar is actually fine. Hope you improve on your writing skills! ^^
huyjunnie   
Sep 5, 2021
Writing Feedback / Information regarding the proportion of energy generated from 5 sources in New Zealand and Germany [3]

Thanks for your assessment in advance. Can you focus on my word choice, task achievement, grammar, coherence and cohesion?

IELTS TASK 1: ELECTRICITY GENERATION



The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010.

MY ESSAY
The chart reveals information regarding the proportion of energy generated from five sources in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010. Generally, both countries experienced a marked increase in the total energy units and the most electricity was produced by coal in New Zealand and by nuclear in Germany.

To commence, in New Zealand, the units of coal, reaching 56 units, exceeded those of the others in 1980. Meanwhile, figures of natural gas and hydro amounted to an identical number of 30 units, while that of petroleum was at its minimum of 11 units. In 2010, there was an upsurge in the electricity proportion of coal, accounting for three fourths of the total energy in New Zealand. In contrast, those of natural gas and petroleum dropped moderately to resembling 2 units, and the opposite pattern was seen in hydro. In Germany, during 1980, both natural gas and coal generated a similar highest number of 28 units, as opposed to that of hydro. It was subsequently followed by petroleum and nuclear, with 22 and 20 units respectively. Over 2010, Germany underwent a great boom to 155 units, when hydro and natural gas both fell into a trough of 2 units. In the meantime, that of petroleum was almost as large as of coal.




huyjunnie   
Sep 4, 2021
Writing Feedback / Essay about scientific research were manage by the government or the private company [4]

I would like to point out some errors in your essay.
1. This essay agrees that politics should ... (Politics can't build them itself, and I don't think politics is related to science).
2. This essay will discuss humans ... (This sentence is ambiguous).
3. when the authority manages ... (confusing)
→ The scientists could be safer when the authority manages the research rather than the companies.
4. ... accommodate insurance, AND this can decrease ...
5. Your structure is simple and you should get to know how to make a complex sentence.
6. However, private companies could ... also for the community. [This sentence is hard to understand and have some grammatical errors)
→ It is difficult for private companies to guarantee security, which has adverse effects not only on scientists but also on the community.
7. Correct while structure: ..., while .... / while ..., ....
8. POLITICS doesn't denote PEOPLE. → POLITICIANS
9. (it is not serious) Fahasa → Formosa
Overall, you really have some serious errors that can affect your GRA. Please be careful and not to make those again.
huyjunnie   
Sep 3, 2021
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: HOW CAN SOMEONE ACHIEVE HAPPINESS? [4]

Hi, I would like to point out some errors that you made in your essay.
It seems like you made a lot of schoolboy errors that can affect your GRA.
1. But many people ... --> However,
2. it mean means something
3. ... from earning money or achieving successful --> success
4. from excitement to peaceful
5. to accurate definition of happiness ("accurate" is an adjective)
6. there are preconditions to achieving it
7. it WILL BE hard for a person TO feel happy
8. he or she does not has --> have
9. there are many ..., SO it just depend ...
huyjunnie   
Sep 1, 2021
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: BALANCE BETWEEN WORK AND OTHER ASPECTS OF LIFE [4]

Hi, this is my essay, thanks for your assessment in advance. Would you mind focusing on assessing my word choice, task achievement, grammar, coherence and cohesion?

work and life balance



ESSAY
In the contemporary world, many people endeavor to balance the trade-off between work and other aspects of lives, but only a minority achieves this balance. This imbalance entails disastrous impacts, so some measures should be done to address the problems.

On the one hand, balancing between work and other parts of life portends grave consequences. First of all, this issue can increase the risks to both the physical and psychological health of workers. To be more specific, people who immerse in working spend less time taking care of themselves and restlessly keep their eyes glued to computer screens, thereby having headache, sore eyes and exhaustion. Moreover, when people overwork to a certain extent, people may lose a sense of job satisfaction and therefore descend into a state of job obsession and stress. Consequently, they could be indifferent and perpetuate to isolate themselves from society. Ultimately, their network of relationships will be detrimentally affected, for they disregard the time for family gatherings and socialization.

On the other hand, some actions should be done to mitigate the aforementioned problems. In terms of legality, government should impose employment laws regarding the rational time frame employees work for and promotion. Furthermore, employees are supposed to build a gymnasium or health center for staff to strengthen their health and diagnose their psychological problems if necessary. Another approach is encouraging the people to take time out to have a rest as they feel overwhelmed with work. Hence, before they resume work, they can have much chance to discover themselves and enjoy leisure pursuits, so they can be more focused, less burnt out and sustainable in the long run.

In conclusion, work and life balance is so difficult that not many people attain this due to some particular reasons. Anyways, some effective solutions should be proposed to alleviate the difficulty.




huyjunnie   
Aug 20, 2021
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - the number of Vietnamese students studying abroad in three countries [3]

Hi, I just want to give some feedback on your essay.
1. In IELTS writing task 1, you should make your online as short and comprehensive as possible. (only one to two sentences to focus on the body).

For example, in this graph, I will make a short outline like:
- All countries have an upward trend except for Russia.
- A reversed trend was seen in the beginning and ending of America and France. (or you can bring this to your body)
2. In this sentence: "... students studying abroad in America was nearly 1.5 millions, in comparison with France and Russia was 3.5 millions and 3 millions respectively"
In comparison with combines with a noun phrase, so combining with a clause seems inappropriate and the "millions" error is mentioned above.
My recommendation is that you should replace "was" with "with" or add a connector.
3. The word "whereas" you use is unusual. Its structure is "___clause___, whereas ___clause___" (so using as an adverb sounds incorrect).
4. The usage of "number" and "amount" is totally different and they are not interchangeable. Please be cautious!
5. You overuse the word "number". It is not a good idea.

There are also some mistakes that are minimal, so I won't talk about them. Hope this feedback will help you!
huyjunnie   
Aug 19, 2021
Writing Feedback / Preserve old buildings whenever possible or construct new buildings [5]

I just want to point out some problems (maybe not too serious) that you have made.
1. You shouldn't use the short form of any words. (Ex: is not --> isn't). It makes your essay less academic.
2. I just realized in most of the sample writing that some examiners really enjoy using a pair of "on the one hand" and "on the other hand". Therefore, it may not a good idea to use only "on the other hand".

3. It seems like your essay is lack of some linking words in some sentences.
Ex 1: the advantages of..., they bring us ... (you connect two clauses without connectors)
Ex 2: ... by natural factors for 5 years, now a modern house ...(where is the connector?)
4. Research is an uncountable noun, so using it as a countable one is inappropriate.
5. You shouldn't overuse some words (ex: conserve). There are some alternatives that are interchangeable. And don't be confused between "conserve" and "preserve". They have the same meaning but their usage is totally different.

Hope these pieces of advice will help you.
huyjunnie   
Apr 25, 2020
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: Undereducated people [3]

World's illiteracy numbers in 2000



Can you help me check grammatical mistakes, give me advice and the overall? Thanks in advance.
Part 1:
The chart illustrates the percentage of people who are uneducated by every area of the world and by each gender in 2000. It is evident that South Asia has the highest illiteracy rates in both men and women in this year, opposed to the developed countries.

As can be seen on the chart, South Asia has a giant number of untutored people, whose men and women account for almost 55%, 32% respectively in the illiteracy level. It was followed by Arab States and Sub-Saharan Africa. Even though the number of uneducated women in Arab States overtakes Sub-Saharan Africa by about 3%, Sub-Saharan Africa exceeds Arab States by almost 1% in the number of illiterate men. East Asia and Latin America do not undergo any dramatic differences, ranging from 5% to 15%, excluding the figure by women in East Asia. Finally, Developed Countries are at its minimum, whose figures in male and female reach the lowest point.

One at a time.



  • Task 1
Writing
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