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Posts by wanttobebetter
Name: Nguyễn Minh Hằng
Joined: Oct 21, 2023
Last Post: Oct 27, 2023
Threads: 4
Posts: 6  
Likes: 1
From: Việt Nam
School: high school

Displayed posts: 10
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wanttobebetter   
Oct 27, 2023
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - READING BOOKS AMONG KIDS IS IN DECLINE [NEW]

The number of children that read books for fun has dropped dramatically in recent years.

What are the reasons for this? How can we encourage children to read more?



In this day and age, groups of kids and teenagers who consider novels as a pastime have quickly decreased. In this paper, reasons for this matter and solutions to gradually tackle it will be discussed with some clear explanations and particular examples.

First and foremost, it is the technological advances that give rise to the poor number of youngsters opting for books. To clarify this point, the Internet has developed numerous websites and applications with mesmerizing news and information about politics, finance, economics, to name but a few. They are so eye-catching that they steal people's attention spent in reading. Specifically, statistics shows that there are more than 2 billion accounts on Facebook, while a browse for book-lovers such as Goodreads only attracts a few million visitors. Secondly, various books are heavy tomes that include academic research while reviewers are absorbed in light contents. Thus, such writings do not receive popularity among people.

There are some workable remedies to deal with this problem. In the beginning, parents should force their children to start with simple and comprehensible books such as comics or fairy tales to build up reading habits. Then, it is recommended that kids consider masterpieces to arouse their interest or find their favorite genres. Furthermore, children can also join reading communities to share their opinions and reviews about pieces of writing. The government are suggested to celebrate the underlying values of books to stimulate citizens, especially youngsters to read.

To recapitulate, lately a plethora of kids taking up reading have lost their pleasure in this hobby due to Internet improvements and finding contents tough to read. By ways of aforementioned incentives, this issue will gradually better.
wanttobebetter   
Oct 27, 2023
Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Free libraries vs Internet [4]

first sentence in the first paragraph: not necessary, esp when your essay is too long so do not put superficial words in your essay
delete the 2 first sentences in your second paragraph
delete the first sentence in your third paragraph
conclusion: also too long, you have to conclude and give your opinion more briefly
Overall, the essay is too long, but not no detailed. So many ideas have been presented but you do not give enough explanations and examples for them. Consequently, you should find few ideas that you can work with and add them to the essay.
wanttobebetter   
Oct 26, 2023
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - SELF STUDY for secondary school students [NEW]

"It is said that self-study is very important for secondary school students".


Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

In this day and age, whether independent studying is of paramount importance has been a hotly-debated issue. In my opinion, I advocate for applying this learning method. In this paper, detailed explanations and specific examples will be discussed to reinforce my belief.

First and foremost, self-study is a useful tool to maximize your time. To be more specific, learning with instructors and lecturers may increase students' dependence on others' guidance in lieu of improving their self-research skill. Research has shown that 80 percent of students enroll for crammed classes with tutors or advisors. Because of their overreliance, they have difficulties when studying without detailed instructions from teachers and have a tendency not to study when the teacher is not by their side. In the meanwhile, those who are capable of self-study can take advantage of their leisure time to widen their knowledge.

In the second place, it is undeniable that autonomies can collect experiences as a result of self-research. A survey at Oxford University has revealed that students who apply independent studying methods are more supportive, responsible and collaborative than those who do not opt for it. Furthermore, every pupil fits different forms of studying and traditional classes at school are not suitable for sundry students so that studying alone may be more flexible and efficient.

In conclusion, self-study offers numerous advantages such as: accumulating knowledge or gaining experiences and skills such as problem-solving and reasoning skills. Based on those aforementioned reasons, I firmly believe that independence in studying plays a crucial role in youngsters' knowledge retention.
wanttobebetter   
Oct 26, 2023
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 owing a home rather than renting one is very important [4]

You have to type the question: is it a 'discuss both views and give your opinion' question or 'to what extent do you agree or disagree'. That means a lot because I have to base on the question to give you feedback

I see some complex phrases but some of them are inaccurate. Some structures and grammar topics are used wrongly, perhaps it is because you do not get the hang of it clearly, so search for specific examples for them.

"Compared to buying a house, people at present are more willing to renting." this sentence seems to be based on your personal opinion instead of facts. You have to use factual truths and statistics to prove your point.

"In conclusion, a range of reasons could be the factors contributing to views of renting or not." you do not have to write this sentence because in the summary, you have to CONCLUDE and restate your opinion.
wanttobebetter   
Oct 26, 2023
Writing Feedback / TASK 2 People are living longer after they retire. What are the problems? What can be done to solve? [3]

in the first paragraph, do not use 'I' if the question doesn't include the word 'you'. Besides, your introduction is too short.
inthethepublic sector.
grammar mistake: minimize number
serve: word choice
tacking? do you mean 'tackling'?
elderly people? I have never spotted this phrase
you have so many errors in paraphrasing, grammar and vocabularies. I see some complex phrases but they seem not to fit in with your overall essay because there are many mistakes.
wanttobebetter   
Oct 21, 2023
Writing Feedback / Should English be the official language in Vietnam? Write an 400 word essay with clear explanantion [4]

ENGLISH AS the leading language in Vietnam



In this day and age, some Vietnamese citizens take the view that Vietnam is suggested to consider English as a key means of communication to get a financial advantage over others in the global rat race. On the contrary, a group of people are firmly convinced that Vietnamese should be the first language to maintain other vital values such as ethnicities and cultural identities. This paper will consider both views to give my opinion in the end.

Firstly, English is recommended to become the official language due to its definite impacts and power in terms of the economy, finance, politics, and so on. Therefore, letting English be the key speech will increase children's exposure to this form of communication in their formative years. Moreover, in the future, they can reduce the time of practicing English because of their at-birth shadowing and listening to English. Because English is the main speech in the Model United Nations and business negotiations, it plays a crucial role in supporting to convey your ideas. To be more specific, according to recent research, speaking English means that a person can impart his or her knowledge to over 1 billion residents throughout the world while there are only about 100 million people speaking Vietnamese. Nowadays, some countries can hardly have access to highly qualified education, and some have gradually considered English as a principal form of interaction. Thus, Vietnam ought to surpass both groups of countries to gain economic benefits in the world market.

In the second place, there would be some possible threats to Vietnamese were English to be the mother tongue. To clarify this point, some minorities who speak Vietnamese varieties might find English hard to access because there is not a wide range of learning materials for such varied languages. However, the government at this moment do not prioritize writing curricula for them owing to a lack of budget. Furthermore, taking English into consideration might sacrifice Vietnamese culture and identity. To illustrate, Vietnamese have many features such as Nha Nhac Cung Dinh Hue or Cong Chieng Festival, which received the recognition of UNESCO. Moreover, Vietnam has been known for long-standing traditions and customs which represent the essence of the Vietnamese people. Those core values must not be replaced at all costs because every country is unique and has its own remarkable characteristics, and Vietnam does, too. Therefore, a better option is to learn English as a second language and maintain Vietnamese history.

To summarize, opinions are divided between English should become the leading language and Vietnamese should take that place. From my perspective, I support the latter view because people can still be encouraged to study English in order to succeed in the business ladder as well as maintain their historical and cultural highlights.
wanttobebetter   
Oct 21, 2023
Writing Feedback / Children watching TV - Writing Task 2 [3]

First paragraph: not good job of paraphrasing. It is clear but you will need more advanced words, for eg: taking part in = opting for, 'effect' not 'affect'

In general, you have many grammar mistakes (prepositions, structures, etc). Sometimes your essay has good words and gives a clear description, but sometimes the essay is filled with too common words. Therefore, some sentences seem not to fit in well with others.

Some of your words are informal and not suitable for academic writing (phrasal verbs, or 'if' for example)
I think your essay has some problems as I have mentioned, but it is quite clear in ideas and I find it easy to understand what you are trying to explain. My suggestions for you is that:

- Read other essays to see how they paraphrase, the way they use academic words and grammar,etc
- Practice makes perfect, make sure your words are formal and suitable for the context given. Always check for grammar structures and do not use them if you are not sure

- Also, I do not see 'passive voice' structure in your essay, you should use it to widen your grammar structure ranges. Some structures are wrong (not only .. but also .., so that, etc)
wanttobebetter   
Oct 21, 2023
Writing Feedback / Essay about separate education for students with different academic levels [4]

There are some amendments I can give to improve your writing:
(this is just my personal opinion)
- Some sentences are too complex, so you should divide into 2 sentences
- 'Melting pot' is an idiom and as far as I know, we should use idioms in academic writing because it is informal
- Your essay sometimes sounds unnatural, perhaps because it is wordy and you do not get some ideas across well (and clearly). Even some words are not accurate in some writing contexts. Therefore, you should look them up in OALD

- in the summary, it is a bit short. You should paraphrase more and add more words in the end for eg: 'due to the aforementioned reasons'
wanttobebetter   
Oct 21, 2023
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - TRAFFIC CONGESTION ISSUE - CAUSES AND SOLUTIONS [3]

Traffic jam has become increasingly problematic in big cities.
In your opinion, what are the causes and solutions to them?


Due to a dramatic rise in population, traffic jam has been a globally debatable issue. This essay will discuss rooted causes and give possible solutions to address the problem.

There are countless reasons leading to traffic congestion. First and foremost, residents prefer personal vehicles to public transport. Life in the city is often noisy and glamorous anh people migrating from the countryside are overwhelmed with the hectic pace and charm in urban areas. As a result, the population is rising uncontrollably, causing congested roads a high level of saturation in rush hours. High buildings and skyscrapers are being set up but there is not enough space for a large number of inhabitants. Additionally, roads and lanes are occupied by street vendors and for entertaining activities (for example: playing football on sidewalks). Streets are also venues for weddings, special events and so on. Therefore, roads are getting narrower and traffic congestion is worsening.

To solve this dilemma, the government should impose new policies on limiting vehicles moving on the roads. Individuals should better prioritize public transport instead of owning cars only for gratification because it is essential to lessen the number of transportation to alleviate traffic jam. Companies also can allow employees to work from home or change office hours so that working time of parents will not coincide with schooling time of children.

In conclusion, traffic jam is still one of the primary problems in our contemporary world. I strongly believe that those satisfactory answers can partly deal with the aforementioned causes.
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