Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Rowa
Joined: Nov 18, 2009
Last Post: Dec 28, 2009
Threads: 5
Posts: 15  

From: Saudi Arabia

Displayed posts: 20
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Rowa   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Common App essay "How my country shaped me" [3]

I guess this answers the question..Significant experience
I'd appreciate any comments on grammar or content:)


The Carving of Me
It was dark. I was alone in a mysterious place. The only thing I could see and feel was the cold concrete underneath my bare feet. I was suddenly alarmed by my surroundings. My heart started to pound until I could see it vibrating my whole body. I started to run. I ran through what seemed an interminable narrow path. I kept running until my feet were bursting with pain. I then paused to catch my breath. "Don't look back" I ordered myself. I knelt down to relax and then looked up to acknowledge what was around me. There it was. I actually found it.

My life represented this dark and narrow path. It was only a few years ago when I moved to Saudi Arabia. The culture was new to me, even though it was my home country. It took me a while to get accustomed to the black and white environment; the traditional white Thoab for men, and the black Abaya for women. Knowing only little Arabic, I struggled to understand and concentrate at school. This made it difficult for me to communicate with others. After a while I became more knowledgeable with the Saudi Arabian culture. And only after that I learned that women are discriminate here. I learned that their future was laid out for them; borders were laid and barriers were placed. The one who dares to cross them can face many social consequences.

Women did not have many opportunities. I was completely convinced that women were not able to drive, work, or have a worthy life. I used to live in that dark path where barriers were set up for me, until I found what I was looking for; a light that would show me the way for freedom.

When I was in 9th grade, I moved to a new school. This experience was not very new to me; since I was used to going to new schools all the time. I wanted this school to be a new start; a place where I could break through those imaginary borders. The light I was looking for was my school. But my school was not just any school; it was a school of opportunities. Not only did I gain knowledge, but also experience. Since it encouraged us to overcome the barriers set by society, I learned that the borders and barriers that were laid out for me were of my imagination. My school gave me the opportunity to shine and represent women in Saudi Arabia and abroad. This made me realize the important role women hold in the world. I started conducting projects to help the environment, while encouraging women to take part in the community through the process.

When I look back at myself, I see an ignorant girl. Now, I see myself as a new person. I realized that although my country was a reason for my early collapse, it was also a reason for my success. My country has made me different. It has made me strive to look over the barriers it has set and break through them and to find the light that would make me succeed; which was my school. I can see how it made me who I am now. It showed me that no social barriers can prevent you from pursuing your goals, and that your willingness to change can reveal chances and opportunities you could never see before. I am grateful that it has made me see the closed door and act to open it. My country has shaped my personality making me an ambitious and goal seeking woman. What is now left for me is to light the candle of hope for other women in my country, so they can see what they can do with life and what life can do for them.
Rowa   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Home - there is always my heart - and it is everywhere. Common App Essay [7]

There was nothing alluring in the orange-gray field; not even the sky had the ability to sustain life, but then I noticed a girl in a pink dress

I think you should seperate this sentence. There was nothing alluring in the orange-gray field. Not even the sky...

And I think the question for this should be significant experience:)

Good Luck and thanx for editing my essay! :)
Rowa   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Short response "intellectually engaging" [3]

This is the Stanford Supplement:

What do you think? is there anything I should add?

The infinite galaxy



"But how can they never end? How can the numbers not have an end?" I asked my dad with curiosity. He tried to convince my childish questioning by saying that every time you get to a new number all you have to do is add 1 and you'll get another number. I was seven years old then, but until now I still think about the concept of infinity. And as I grew more mature I started to think about other infinite things; such as the never ending galaxy or the eternal after life. Questions roam around my head regarding this concept, like what does infinity look like, is the infinite galaxy just our galaxy repeated, or what will happen in the eternal afterlife, will we just simply live forever? These are questions that I ask an infinite number of times, yet I never get an answer. "It is simply the unknown; the only one who knows of such is God". My mother told me. But I was not pleased with this answer. I had to know more. Recently, we took the concept of infinity in mathematics. This made me wonder even more. If the numbers are really infinite or never ending, how can we give it a value, a symbol, or even use it in mathematical equations.

As for the infinite galaxy, I read an article regarding this concept. The article stated that we can only see a finite section of the universe, due to finite speed of light. That lead me to even more questions, can we see or achieve infinity? If a human travels at the speed of light can he/she live to infinity? Until I get an answer I will keep wondering and thinking of this perplexing and questionable concept until infinity.
Rowa   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "I want to study environmental engineering" - Johns Hopkins Supplement [3]

any comments on improvment would be appreciated!! :)
1. Write a brief essay in which you respond to the following question.
Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

I stood alone in an abandoned desert, no one to accompany me other than a pair of rough green gloves and a black garbage bag. I looked around me, and all I could see was an interminable pile of garbage on every corner of the horizon. My heart pounded with pain as I thought of the disaster ready to happen amongst me.

"Save the planet", "Go green", and "I love Earth" are all phrases that flow around my head all the time. I want to study environmental engineering. This explains why I am known as the "tree hugger" at school. My passion for the planet is an indescribable passion. Anytime I glance anything related to the environment, it immediately catches my eye. Ironically, I see the words "Johns Hopkins" linked to it. This instantly endorses my decision of choosing Johns Hopkins to study. Being a top research university, I can fulfill my dream of being a widely known environmentalist. My love for both science and the environment has made me choose environmental engineering as a major. With this knowledge I can research areas like bio-fuels and renewable energy sources. Hence, saving our planet and making it a green and clean place to live.

Throughout the years I have learned various things about how to be the change. In recognition to the brilliant change maker, Mahatma Gandhi, who says "Be the change you wish to see in the world", I have envisioned myself as the modern Gandhi. When I was in 11th grade, I attended a conference on how to be the change. I was astonished by the young people who had such influence on others. I wanted to be just like them. This is why I would also like to study Global Environmental Change and Sustainability. If I combine my interest of both the environment and global change, I can see myself as the change maker of this century.
Rowa   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answer #2- Things my Roommate needs to know [8]

finding people who doesn't

I think it's people who don't

I really like your response!! you remind me of a friend at school.

I don't think you should change anything, but you could add stuff like study habbits or anything that makes you special!!

I really like your concluding sentence, it made me laugh:D

I'm applying to Stanford too, and I had trouble answering this question..You inspired me!! :)

I really hope that you can edit my essays!! :)

GOOD LUCK:)
Rowa   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Extra-curricular essays for UVA [9]

Princess Daisy Akita, I can't find anything wrong with your essay!!

I especially loved the first part about aids...i got goosebumps while reading it!

Its really really great... I dont think you should change anything...but if there's something you have to change like grammar or something..then change it!

I would love if you could edit some of my essays one time :)
Rowa   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / An Accident - Yale supplement, is effective to convey a sense of adventure? [4]

that I had stepped into the stage

I think its onto...

So frightened

delete the "so"

mom and dad dragged me into a cab and hurried the driver to speed to the most famous local osseous doctor

dragged?? a bit to intense...took me...
i don't think you should mention that the doctor is famous

in a traditional,chinese way

you dont need the comma

Overall i think you are using too much commas! some of the sentences can stand alone, and they are better when they do:)

GOOD LUCK
Rowa   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]

I like your second draft better!
But I think that when you mentioned that the club you joined is for people who like math for pleasure in your first draft should be included in your second draft, so you can answer the question correctly.

Good Luck
Rowa   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / applying for Vassar on ED2, "The poem recital" [6]

I didn't understand the beginning of your essay, until I read it a few times. So I think you should makeit clearer.

I really like your essay, because I can really relate to it.
But what is the question you are answering, is it Topic of your choice?
Overall you have really great content, but you should make it more powerful.
Write a conclusion that will stay in the mind of the reader for a long time. Something powerful.

Good Luck
Rowa   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Failure can be part of the ticket to success, Stanford exchange program [4]

I love to go to school, love studying, love to meet and do so many activities with friends

I love going to school, studying, and going out with friends.
you should maintain the same tense throughout the sentence.

I believe all the time school is one of places that I can do my best

I always believe that school is one of the places where I can do my best.

I always got excellent grade, my student profile is very good and I was school's representative

I always got excellent grades. my student profile is very good; which made me represent my school...

I always challenge myself in many competitions, I never missed

this is not clear

When I studied grade9, I went to admission new high school

when I was in ninth grade, I moved to a new high school.

Overall you have a lot of grammar mistakes. You should let your English teacher review your essay before you send it.
I advise you to revise this essay a bit more
Rowa   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App. Essay Public Speaking [3]

My essay is about 800 words, so I need help deleting some things.
Any comments or improvements would be appreciated!

The Wooden Stage of a Speaker



I made my first step through the creaking doors of the auditorium. I took a few more steps and I heard the door slam behind me. Instantaneously, five hundred eyes turned to spot the source of the sound. At that moment my heart started to pound one hundred times a minute. "Stay calm", I said to myself. But my heart beating right through my body disagreed. I could hear whispers; "Who is that"? "I have never heard her talk before"! I pretended not to hear the comments, looked away, and started to walk towards the stage. I could see the eyes following my every footstep. I walked up the stairs and on to the wooden stage. It seemed like a century; walking towards the podium. "This was it" I said. All my hard work writing this speech was going to finally reveal. I took a deep breath and stared to recite my speech. I paused to look at the audience. I saw their illegible faces. This is what I feared the most; not being able to distinguish if the receiver was pleased to listen or bored to death. I ended my speech with a pause; which seemed to last for hours. But then, out of the blue, applause erupted. My fear suddenly turned into excitement, when I could finally know that the audience was not bored to death, but they were more than pleased to hear what I was saying. From that moment on, I decided to devote my life to public speaking, because I didn't want the emotion I felt when I was on the stage to vanish.

It all started a few years ago at school when I was required to speak in public unprepared. I got the common symptoms of sweaty palms, trembling voice, and wobbly legs. I faced this situation more than once, until I finally decided to change. I didn't want to stay quiet just because I couldn't talk in public. I knew that I had a lot to say, and I wanted people to hear it. And there it was, the opportunity of a life time. I knew that my willingness to change allowed me to see the opportunities I was blind to see earlier. I eventually joined the Toastmasters public speaking club. I joined with an urge to change and I left as a new person. At the club, I was required to speak various times. And every time I felt that feeling, that everything was under my control, that I could do anything. This made me more certain of my decision to continue to speak in public. What made me more confident was how unique this is. Hundreds of people fear to speak in public, yet I enjoy it and consider it as a hobby. Most of the students at my school hate it when the teacher asks us to talk about something, yet I feel the excitement rush through my body, knowing that this is another opportunity for me to let people see the real person I am. I always strive to be different. To stand out from the crowd and all this made me feel different. I knew that by speaking in pubic and influencing others through my speeches, I have achieved my goal.

Although most of the students that joined the club didn't think or seem to have learned anything form the club, I was determined to make use of that experience. I grasped every opportunity I could to speak in front of a crowd. People were shocked of what I could do, due to my quiet personality. They were also surprised of the fact that I was more comfortable in front of a large crowd rather than a group of five people. And then it was time to really show off my skills, at my school's annual speech contest. I failed to participate the previous year. But the next year, I was a new person after the Toastmasters, and I succeeded. I won something that I would never have imagined a few years back. I received an award and even more for just speaking in public.

I gained respect for my ability to speak in public. People started to know who I really was, because they were influenced by my speeches. And I would never forget the day when a girl came up to me and said: "I can't wait to hear your speech, every time you go up on the stage I know that you will give a great speech." This gave me more than just confidence, it gave me motivation. She said this right before I gave an important speech. When I recited that speech, I felt an emotion even stronger and better than my other speeches. I promised myself to continue public speaking for the rest of my life and I owe it all to Toastmasters and myself.
Rowa   
Dec 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Fathers try to have a direct effect on their children- UT(Impact Person) [5]

[I really like the concept of your essay. However, there are some improvements

[quote=mohannad]where to low to get him into college

this should be "were too low to get him into college"

Although my father's job prevented him from affecting me directly, I was still affected by his story

Well, since this is your thesis statement, I think you should rephrase it. Make it more exciting, but without loosing the idea.
without nothing[/quote] Rephrase this...with nothing in hand...without anything...

quote=mohannad]all of this makes me feel that if I did not complete my education and get at least a masters-degree[/quote]
delete "all of this" ...(sentence fragment)

I think you should give an example from your life (if applicable) about how your father helped you, instead of just stating what he did.:)
Rowa   
Dec 1, 2009
Undergraduate / "Plain and Brown" - about a topic of my choice. how my country helped me change [6]

I was required to write a personal essay in college prep class. so I choose topic of my choice from the common app. essay questions.

I Would appreciate any comments that would improve my essay.
Please tell me if the whole thing is comprehendible or not too. :)
719 words

Plain and Brown

Imagine living in a box. You have no light, no one to talk to. What would you do? Imagine if it were real. Your one and only home and survival is that box. Imagine the fear of the darkness, the terror of being trapped in nowhere. What would you do? What would I do? What I fear the most is being trapped; being surrounded by nothing but barriers, keeping me from escaping. I used to live in that box. Eventually I found a way to escape. Then how did I survive living there, in just a plain brown box? How did I manage to break out and think outside the box?

The building of my life all started when I first opened my eyes to the illuminating white lights of the hospital. The laying of the sturdy foundation was about to start. The building's foundation was a very strong and rough one. It could stand anything from rain to crashes, although it did have its rough moments.

When I started to build the body of my building, I faced various problems. Sometimes I got stuck and I was surrounded by walls that would take up every breath I had. Sometimes I would finish a whole floor and then, discover a small gap and have to start all over again. Other times, I gave up and lost meaning of everything. At times, I found myself trapped in that box, nothing surrounding me other than those plain dark walls. Times would come when I would surrender to the box. Accept the idea that I would live in that box forever, never to see what the world outside had to give.

I waited for the glimmer that would set me free from my captivity. I waited for what seemed like centuries. For that one day, the day I would break out. That day finally came. The day I opened my eyes to see what was in front of me. What I saw was unbearable. It was too hard to put into words. I saw the years of my life wasted and withered. I saw what was in front of me. I saw that box, but it was not that same box I used to see. It was a thin, brittle, and breakable piece of cardboard. I then realized that the time had come to destroy that thin wall. It was now time I changed peoples' and my own perspective about that box. Because, if it weren't for that box I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have realized that what was in front of me was the key to the door of change.

I made it! I made it to the other side. I breathed the fresh air out of that box. I looked back to that box and what I saw made me even more infuriated. I felt sad for the people that have to live in that confined box; the box that prevented me and also prevented them from pursuing their dreams. From that day on, I decided to dedicate my life to making a difference. To make the top of my building glimmer in the dark. To excel and out shine the other buildings. I know that my life is now different. I know I am different.

There I was standing on the top. Looking back at my achievements and accomplishments, looking at how much I have grown. Observing my dedication to changing the lives of the present and future generations. Looking back at that beautiful building that is mine. That building which represents my life, and that box which represented my existence. The box that has made me change, that has made me look at the gifts that I have. That there was more than just that box. The box is my country and the reason I have changed. I realized that that box will never break open and it will never change, unless I change it. The barriers that I thought, my country placed for me, were only barriers that I placed for myself. I do not think that I would have hopes, dreams, and ambitions if it weren't for my country. My country is the reason I am alive and moving. The world is the reason I exist.
Rowa   
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay - Limit is only my imagination [5]

This is a really great essay, I don't know what to say!
You answered the question perfectly!

Since you are still working on your conclusion, I think you should say what you will do in the future with a degree in biochemistry...i.e help others understand their illnesses, help those in need...etc.

Overall, good job!
Rowa   
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Unfair Bias Essay for University of Texas at Austin [2]

in every day of our lives

I think you should rephrase this

in my development in my character and personality

in the development of my ...

beaten out

I think you mean beaten up

then

this should be THAN not THEN

The idea of your essay is definitly new
But if you are really not interested in this topic, I suggest that you don't write about it.
I think you should also show that this didn't stop you from following your dreams, and made you work harder and not just accept the fact that the world is unfair, and give up.
Rowa   
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: K-pop [12]

The idea of your essay is really nice, but I think you need to make it more exciting.

You introduction is the most important paragraph in your essay...make it more attention grabbing..maybe you can qoute a Korean song or something like that..

Also, your conclusion must be more exciting too. Say something that can stay in the heart of the reader forever...

But I don't think I can see YOU! I don't see how this has shaped you...try to really be yourself when writing...
Rowa   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay #2 An important experience. Roller Coaster [12]

I think that this is a really great essay!

You have really great imagery! You sound like a proffesional writer!!

About your concerns that you mention at the beginning, what my teacher always tells us, is after you reveiw your essay, leave it, don't read it for maybe a week and then read and review again, you'll discover a lot of things you didn't before.
Rowa   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "I caught my target unaware of my presence"; USC -Visions and Voices [10]

wanted to speak through a photograph

this is really good, so I think you should make stand out and not blend in with the other sentences.

The first experimental shots captured the living room, Mr. Lion (my sister's stuffed bear), and my sneaker. I was amazed and perplexed by the lens. How, I wondered, could this machine see the same things I see with my eyes?

you can take this out because I don't see the relation to the previous sentence.
the intro was very exciting, so you have to keep it!

if you are looking to take out stuff, you can reduce some of the imagery...although most of it is really really good. I can really imagine what you are talking about in your essay. I think that it is a little bit too much, so take some out.

Overall I really like your essay, and I think you can relate yourself to photography, how has it shaped you, how your pictures reflect you... :)
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳