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Posts by qianmeimei
Joined: Dec 21, 2009
Last Post: Dec 29, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 14  

From: China

Displayed posts: 17
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qianmeimei   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Brown short answer- Neuroscience department and freedom! [6]

Hi, Anada. I want to say you are really good at writing.
i'm not sure
this is the main reason why
if it is proper to delete why or the main reason. In my SAT test, it seems a kind of grammar error.

If you want to cut it short, i think the sentence you can delete is
It would be an honor being mentored by the renowned faculty of Brown's Department of Neuroscience.
Because i think a lot of students would say the same words.

Hope this will help~
good luck!

I'm an international student and i can admit frankly that my writing is not good.
So i'd really appreciate you if you can give me some suggestions about my essays.
Thanks in advance!
qianmeimei   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Whitman supplement :my understanding of diversity gained from Chinese history [2]

hello, guys! This is my first draft. I REALLY don not know if i express myself clearly. Could you understand what i am saying? Thanks soooooo much!

Whitman College is committed to building and sustaining a diverse campus community. We believe a diversity of backgrounds and perspectives enriches our community and enhances intellectual and personal growth. What is your concept of diversity, and what experiences have you had that inform your thoughts?

NOTE: Your response should not exceed 350 words.

To explain my concept and understanding of diversity, I want to cite one of the greatest thinkers in ancient China, Confucius's words at first, "an ideal society seeks harmony without uniformity." My reorganization of this thought was informed from studying of Chinese history.

During 770B.C to 221B.C, which is also called China's Spring and Autumn period and Warring states period, ancient China society was changing from slavery to the feudalism. Because the great economical progression and social transition, a lot of different schools of thought flourished, such as Confucianism, Legalism, Taoism and Mohism. Every school discussed their opinions freely; they advocated and developed their thoughts, opened debates between each other and explored the methods of administrating and developing the country and society. The thoughts and ideas discussed and refined during this period have profoundly influenced lifestyles and social consciousness up to the present day in East Asian countries. Unfortunately, in the later thousand years after Qin Dynasty unified the whole country, because the need of mental control of feudalistic autocratic politics, people were not allowed to air their different opinions. The phenomenon of Contention of a Hundred Schools of Thought never appeared again and thoughts sphere was always in blank silence. Although there were several strong empires and heydays, the Spring and Autumn Period and Warring States Period became the only era of great cultural and intellectual expansion in China. In my mind, it is the respect to diversity made the Spring and Autumn Period and Warring States Period the goldern age of China's philosophy and culture. The comparison in the history convinces me that diversity lead to the culture prosperity and social improvement. In an inclusive and elective community, people can hear different opinions and improve themselves through learning from each other. That's why I want to study in America and apply to Whitman. Having Lived in China and emerged in Chinese traditional culture for nearly eighteen years, I'm eager to bring my strength and knowledge to Whitman and make my own contribution to a diverse campus community.

There must be a lot of awkward praphing and strange sentences, i just don't how to express it properly. your suggestions are crucial for me!

Thanks again!!
qianmeimei   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / why vassar essay - "My canvas" [16]

i really admire your writing style. Your language is beautiful and flows well.

But in the third paragraph, i think it is a little abstract to say Vassar is unique.
and in the forth paragraph,
I loved the opportunity to emerge in an incredibly globalized environment and foster that unique diversity
in the fifth paragraph,One of my biggest passions has always been traveling and meeting new cultures and environments
it seems a little repeat~

Besides, i think you can say more about the excellent academic experiences in Vassar. Although the academic factor is not the only one to choose a college, it is still the most important one.

You wrote so well and i enjoyed reading it!

Good luck!
qianmeimei   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Working with three hundred strangers in the village of Montalban- common app [8]

Hi, Sohee. overal i think you wrote well. your experience is very meaningful.

But i think if u can say more about the impact on you, it would be better.
eg.
In the beginning, it was hard for me to overcome the obstacle of having to teach in a destitute environment, however, by the second day I've learned to appreciate the good aspects of my life, things I had taken for granted and thing I had neglected.

add more specific details about it, or use one or two examples to show your distinctive personality. do not just tell.

hope this helps :)
Good luck~
qianmeimei   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania; 'its commitment to social development, M&T Program' [3]

Hi Benno, overal i think you wrote well.

but i think you can put more focus on the question, Which of the academic communities and social communities are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community, it would be better. the key to this kind of essay is match. you have the abilities that the university values and the university has something unique and important for you. you described your personality, but the best way is to show it.do not tell others directly. try to use one or two specif examples.

I never lost track of my goals and aspirations; I have never lost my appetite. And the University of Pennsylvania is next on my bill of fare.

another point i think you can improve your essay is that to be concise. you repeat some points in your writing.

hope these will help~
Good luck!
qianmeimei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay-One of the weirdest things you may read [8]

Hi,Alex. I'm convinced that most application would not wrote the essay like you.
It is really refreshing. If you want to let other know you more, you should not just describe, show them.
just like I feel no obligation to conform to anything use a example to show you are a student who are creative and enterprising or...

provide more details to show your unique personality and characters. i think if you can find a few points which you want to emphasize, it may be better. It seems impossible to wirte every aspect of your personality, choose some of them.)

The characters you want to show should not be negative, although it will compromise your writing style~ because you want to be admitted by the university~

Hope this will help`

Good luck
qianmeimei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Commonapp essay:academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences [7]

Thanks,Keilinger! you encourage me a lot~~
I will think how to say it.
i mean that the diplomacy is a kind of art because every country should take action after deliberations. a country always handles with the international affairs to maximize its interest, so i think relationships between the nations are so wise and attract me to study it~~(sorry for my english~:) i don't know how to have myself understood`~

Thanks again!
qianmeimei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay-One of the weirdest things you may read [8]

wow, you are really unique and frank~ and i can see you through your essay.A good writing!

but i'm not sure whether it will take a little risk if you ask their question in this way~because it's so... unusual~

* i enjoy studying dictators too, but i never admit in my essay ;)

Good luck!
qianmeimei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / to study journalism - Northwestern Supplement [7]

overall you wrote well.
but i think you need to show more passion in your essay, let the admission commetee convince their university is unique to you,and you are the student that their university wants.try to be more specific~

hope this helps

good luck!
qianmeimei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Commonapp essay:academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences [7]

Thanks for your suggestions,Anita!

the sentenceI was fascinated by the subtle international relationships full of wisdoms and the gestures of different nations when interacting with other nations and on the world stage.

I want to say the relationships between countries are subtle and filled with wisdoms and the actions adopted by countries are wise or smart~(or some other words). I'm fascinated by that.

I just don't know how to express it properly~ &)

also, i will delete my forth paragraph, you got the point, thanks ~

Dear asth3nia
Thanks for your suggestion! but maybe my English teacher is very busy now. She gives class to about 180 students to prepare for our National College entrance examination~ The only factor that determines what college you can attend is your score of NCEE.

so your help is crucial to me,really!

thanks so much for your time!

or do you think my topic is strange? Should i write that in my main essay?
is it boring?

i need your opinions.

Thanks again~
qianmeimei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "Stay. I love you, but if it hurts to live, then go.", New to college essays [10]

wow,it is so moving. my tears almost run down.I like this essay, really!

Bless his heart, for he introduced his sister to the real value of life. He taught me how to love unconditionally.

i think you can provide more about your understanding of real value of life to show you are a person who is willing to help others, caring about others and has such a kind heart.

a really good writing~
Good luck!
qianmeimei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Commonapp essay:academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences [7]

Hello, friends~ I'm a Chinese girl and i want to apply to University of Richmond(a liberal art college).Frankly speaking,I rarely wrote english essay in my high school.so i thinks there must be a lot of flaws in my writing. please give me some suggestions about it. your helps are very important to me! Thanks so much~

prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Personal statement

Throughout my life, cultivating a passion for learning the world around me and the nation l live in has been my goal. This passion has greatly shaped my values and my world view. In my childhood, I detected in myself a certain innate desire and curiosity to understand the world. Reading newspapers and listening to news reports became the fun part of my daily life, which also greatly broadened my knowledge scope. I was fascinated by the subtle international relationships full of wisdoms and the gestures of different nations when interacting with other nations and on the world stage. In 2006, the independence of Montenegro drew my eyes to this Balkan state. Through searching and studying, I knew the war in Bosnia and Kosovo. The turbulence of the area, the great destruction and loss of life confirmed me the belief that the negotiation through diplomatic channels was the best means to solve the confliction and confrontation between nations in order to guarantee a peaceful world. My interest in international affairs enabled me to perceive the essence through the surface of raw facts after analysis and adjustment.

Then I became interested in former Yugoslavia, and spent a lot of time studying its history, revolution and political reforms. My friends used to tease me for faithfully searching several large libraries only for a classic book on Yugoslavia study which was published 30 years ago, but in my mind, Yugoslavia was complex and unique. It was very different from other East European countries which went downhill with Stalin pattern in 1990s, because it declined and finally went to disintegration in the fight against Stalin pattern. When I learned more about Yugoslavia, I found some similarity in the development of China. The ruling parties of both countries boomed during the anti-Fascism war. They both chose socialism systems, learned from Soviet Union at first and then broke up with it later. They both made reforms and system innovations and found own development ways with some achievements. I drew some points from the analysis about Yugoslavia and thought some of them were relevant to modern China. Some innovative systems, such as the Socialist Autonomous System, had a lot of positive effects at first, but their disadvantages then hindered the sound development of Yugoslavia's economy. Their success and failure could provide useful lessons for China's socialist market economic structure. My interest of former Yugoslavia gave me a different respective to examine and think about my own nation.

As a girl who isn't interested in the current fashion, who doesn't know the hottest singing stars and who won't watch the latest movies, I am somewhat strange to my peers, but my passion for understanding the society and the world better has never declined. Last summer, I went to Shandong provincial labor and social security department to do volunteer work. As a student leader, I learned how to make a grope work more efficiently, how to communicate better with others and how to handle with the things out of expectation. My experience also let me know more about the real world. In the department, I met different kinds of people, including the workers whose factories closed down and the rural migrant workers who could not find jobs. Through talking with them, I learned a lot of them were the sole wage earners of their families. Because they lost their jobs and the inflation was severe, their lives became even harder. The long and somewhat bureaucratic procedures made them disappointed. Some of them were not qualified for applying for financial aid from government because they were not local residents or they did not have social insurance. I felt so sorry when they said thank you to me while I could do nothing for them. This experience let me pay attention to the people I rarely had thought of before and let me see other aspects of our society. Through the media, I have heard so much praises and exclaims about the wonder China made in last three decades and felt pleased by the news that China's GDP had surpassed that of German, or even by the mention of G2 theory. Now I came back humbled, aware of how little I knew about the real society and eager to learn more. When China strives to feed its huge population, there are so many social problems coming along with the rapidly growing economy, such as the growing gap between the wealthy and the poor, the social inequality, the controversial health system reform and education system reform. These problems are so challenging and if handled improperly, will constrain China's further development. This experience let me decide to make a contribution to improving the lives of poor people and to making a better society.

University of Richmond fascinates me so much because it provides such a unique learning environment and a way to my dream. Its strong faculty, small class-size and excellent reputation and distinctive programs such as the Bonner Scholars program and the Alliance for Civic Engagement attract me. The rich and innovative life for students inside and outside the classroom, engagement as a meaningful part of Richmond community, the nation and the world and the opportunities of study abroad convinced me University of Richmond is the best place to continue my passion and interest of learning the society and the world. I strongly believe that its education will enable me to achieve my work and life goal and to make our world a better place through my efforts.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my personal statement and application.

is it too long? I cannot find a way to cut it down. are there some sentences strange to native speakers?
thanks again!!~
qianmeimei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / 'going to die eventually' - stanford: intellectually engaging [7]

Hi anne, i think it is a good writing, i adore your language~~ and your topic is very good.
From my perspective, if you provide more details about what you gain from thinking about the life to show you are active and eager to study and to enjoy the life..i mean something about your characters and your attitudes towards life, it may be better. ;)

I like your essay. Hope this will help~
Good luck!
qianmeimei   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / commonapp short answer: elaborate on one activity (speech contest) [2]

Hello friends, I am a chinese girl and now I have no confidence in my english writing.Maybe it is a horrible essay~~ Could you give me some suggestion about it? your helps are really important to me. please be critical~

Thanks so much!

I once attended a speech contest. After my 3 weeks preparation and practice before mirrors and friends, the contest day came. When on the stage, the first student suddenly paused speaking. Obviously she forgot her description. Although she was trying to go on, after several seconds, tears run down her face. Then she cried and fled from the platform. The overwhelming nervous quickly stifled me. How I wish I never attended the contest! Now I could not remember how I started my first word after being pushed to the stage, but I knew my body and voice were trembling. The big square made me hear nothing but the echoes of my last sentence. I managed to control myself and find encouragement. I had practiced so many times! After the rushing first paragraph, things went better. Finally, I got the first prize, and this experience gave me the confidence that benefits all my life.

Thanks again!
qianmeimei   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "a liberal person" - Brown supplement- [6]

I heard you voice~ a good writing,really.

But from my prospective,it seems that you could not accept the story because you didnot understand the character well at first.Before long, however, I found myself feeling differently about Humbert, as I was more absorbed in the character, and finally became Humbert himself.

So I think it is not strong enough to prove the influences on you.
youself did not change much after your reading, you are always a liberal person.
Maybe more specific details of the influences could make it better~~

Good luck!
qianmeimei   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Harvard supplement- Books that have affected you the most [3]

Overall i think you wrote well.

from you essay i can see you really really like reading, but maybe you need to use more specific details and examples. i think if you pay more attention to the effects that the books bring to you, how the love of reading shaped your values.. it would be better.

I am an international students in China, so i am sorry i cannot give you more help on language and grammar.

Good luck with your application~
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