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Posts by Cermi
Joined: Dec 24, 2009
Last Post: Dec 27, 2009
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  


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Cermi   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Generous toward international students" - Swarthmore essay - Why Swarthmore? [3]

Thanks, you helped me a lot.

I wrote it like that to emphasize how much I changed my opinion after I found some information about the college. Probably not suitable for admission essays...

OK, I'll cross it out and try something else.

And I agree with the last point, I just couldnt find more appropriate words when I was writing.
Cermi   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Generous toward international students" - Swarthmore essay - Why Swarthmore? [3]

Please write a brief statement telling us why you have decided to apply to Swarthmore in particular.

Since I could not visit any college in person, I had to rely only on internet. Swarthmore caught my eyes first as an excellent school (among the very best on a college ranking) and a college generous toward international students.

However, it was far from the top of my list. Yet somehow it survived all cuts and made the final list, although I still knew very little about it. Frankly, it was not until I started writing this essay, that I realized what a fabulous college Swarthmore is and how much I would like to study there. There are many things I like about Swarthmore - very high faculty to student ratio, which is one of the main reasons why I want to study in the USA, Tri-college consortium with Haverford and Bryn Mawr and cross registration with University of Pennsylvania which enables students to take their classes at these school and thus explore and get to know them and their students, absence of cut-throat competition typical for big universities and willingness of students to help others, beautiful campus with so many trees, gardens and flowers (especially Amphitheater and Crum woods look awesome on pictures) etc. I could go on forever, but there is no time and place for it.

All these wonderful features practically force me to take a chance and apply to Swarthmore, since I would love to join the unique and passionate student body and become one of the Swatties. I believe that Swarthmore and the experience I could gain both at school and on campus among Swatties will prepare me best for my future life.

I know it is probably not very good, but how bad it really is?
Cermi   
Dec 27, 2009
Speeches / Speech topic - Cybercommunication: Progress or Problem? [3]

I know that it is speech and not an essay, but try to connect sentences with some conjunctions. Sometimes it is more effective not to do that, but too much is too much.

I guess you are probably planning to do that, but you'd rather write it down.

btw I would use "unfair to" instead of "unfair for" but it's just my opinion...

I would also change "and there are bad ones". Just sounds better to me.

Also "Have you not noticed that..." The same in the following sentence.

Etc., go through it again and focus on prepositions and connections (There are good points, and there are serious problems...)

Well, I could be wrong, but I think it still needs some work.
Cermi   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "wanted to study abroad" + "mascot" - Grinnell essays [8]

That's a nice touch, I'll think about it, but I'm afraid that 90% of the applicants mentions that Grinnell is in the middle of nowhere, but the second part looks great and maybe I could (and should..) use it.

However, one of main goals is originality, which means e.g. that I try not to read any other essays on the same topic. I'm not used to writing "American essays", since I have never had to write anything like that in my native language, which means that I can hardly compete with guys who has been writting all the time at school. I am an international, I try to be original (dunno if I succeed), I try to write everything "my way". It may not be the best way and it may cost me some points, but I'm willing to sacrifice that, because I dont want to lose my originality. If I did that, it wouldnt be me writing.

Hope you understand what I mean, my English is still not so good as I would like it to be...
Cermi   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Stand up and try again' - Trinity college - Personal integrity contract [4]

Thanks for your comment. I'm definitely not familiar with that. Moreover, I'm not used to write this kind of essays, all we write is something you would probably called "argumentative essay".

btw could you have a look at my other essays here? I'd be very grateful for it :-)
Cermi   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Stand up and try again' - Trinity college - Personal integrity contract [4]

Trinity's Integrity Contract articulates our expectations of honesty, personal responsibility, active consideration of others, and respect for our community. What personal "integrity contract" do you employ in your own life?

When you are young you have to do what you are told by your parents and when you grow you have to do what laws say. However, neither of those can be considered an integrity contract. Personal integrity contract differs from them in one extremely important aspect - it is voluntary. You alone set your own rules, you alone decide whether to obey them or not. However, no one is completely immune to his surroundings and everyone is influenced by different views and opinions. In my case, these were Scout law, the Commandments and later Liberalism.

For most people integrity contract means only honesty, frankness and veracity. I agree that they are very important and I have always tried to behave in accordance to them, especially since I joined the Scouts, who consider these features very important. Nevertheless I believe that its meaning should go much further. I completely agree with what Christopher Paolini wrote in his book Eldest: "Too many problems in this world are caused by men with noble dispositions nad clouded minds." Honesty without reason and logic is not enough, moreover, it can have very bad consequences. For example, thousands of honest people misguided by communism helped to get our country under socialist dictatorship for over 40 years.

For me, my integrity contract involves two aspects - being honest and responsible at all times, always tell the truth and help others as often as I can, while critically evaluate all information and facts, to be able to distinguish what is right and what is wrong. No one is perfect, and I must admit that I fail to follow my own rules much more often than I would like to, but it never stops me from standing up and trying again and again.

Please keep in mind that I'm not a native speaker...
Thanks
Cermi   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "We are almost there!" - Williams essay [4]

Thanks for your comments, I'll try to do something about it. It's difficult for me, as I'm neither native English-speaker, nor a good writer and these college essays are killing me.

I have already changed it, putting it "forward in time", shortening and then putting more stress on that, why it is important for me.
Cermi   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "wanted to study abroad" + "mascot" - Grinnell essays [8]

Thanks, I'll correct it.

I'm an international students, which means that english in not my native language, and before I started with my applications, I never wrote any essays in English so it's quite difficult for me.
Cermi   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "We are almost there!" - Williams essay [4]

Prompt:
Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

"We are almost there!"

Totally pointless information for all of us in the bus, as we were already impatiently looking through windows to catch the first sight of our beloved camping site. Once again it was the second Saturday of July and we were returning to our small meadow in the middle of the forest beneath the castle of Lipnice. Unlike most people who have no emotional connection to their camping site, we were very fond of this place, probably because it was our 10th anniversary Scout camp on this very spot.

Almost all members of our Scout Group had already been there, some of us (including me) had even been to all nine previous camps, there were only several rookies, just like every year. We, veterans, had so many memories connected to that place - our first camp, the Cub Scout and later the Scout promise, countless campfires, games, competitions etc. - that we could hardly wait to get out and see it again. We all wanted to know whether it had changed or how much water was in "our" quarry. And of course, everyone wanted to pick the best spot for his tent. However, it was not the same as before, although not everyone knew. We did not tell the kids, but it was our last camp at that place.

At last, we were there! As I was watching the kids get out of the bus, I promised myself to do my best to make this last camp unforgettable for all of us.

I am sure there wil be some typos and wrong words, but what do you think about it? I took the prompt rather loosely, hope it's not a problem...
Cermi   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT activity Essay---Reading [13]

You should shorten the opening sentence to save some words for latter parts. Otherwise it seems good.
Cermi   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "wanted to study abroad" + "mascot" - Grinnell essays [8]

1)Why Grinnell?

I've always wanted to study abroad and when the time came I started to look for the best schools. My main parametres were academic excellency, social life at campus and attitude towards international students. Grinnell college was one of the top schools in all three aspects and had several very attractive features - dormitories in Oxford and Cambridge style, great reputation amongst graduate schools and most importantly self-governance policy on campus. Moreover their attitude towards international students is second to none which is the main reason why it sits atop my list.

2)Mascot

I believe that Cats are the most suitable mascot for Grinnell, as they share many features with Grinnell students - keen intelligence, bright senses, curiosity and playfulness. Moreover, Cats are always willing to go on and explore new things, which is exactly what Grinnell and its students have been doing since its foundation.

What do you think? The second one just doesnt feel right for me, I gotta do something with it. Thanks