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Posts by james23
Joined: Dec 31, 2009
Last Post: Feb 12, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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james23   
Feb 12, 2011
Undergraduate / "the best education program" - Transfer reasons for transferring/goals to achieve [3]

Hi, I am having problem as well in my essay. But your essay is good so far. I think you should take your first sentence about your high school, just go to the point.. Kevin is right about the article.

I will look at your essay more, I still have mine to complete and i will like you to read .

I will post you a link when i am done
james23   
Feb 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "Bryn Mawr has expanded my horizon" - Transfer, Common App [6]

Too long. You should get strength to the point of transferring. Prompt only asked for why you transferring in other words what made you good candidate and why they should pick you. Take high school stuffs, focus on what you have done while in college. Trust me I am writing same essay right now and I am doing similar thing like you. I hope this help, I also post my essay soon.

so, i will keep in touch with essay as well.
james23   
Jan 8, 2011
Undergraduate / transfer essay - "an experiment in realizing the good things" [5]

I agree with melissajoy. However, you didn't give enough reasons for transferring? What is world trade center have to do with you transferring. Why didn't mention courses that you took in high school, AP: I think you focus less on that, focus more on the college you are in.

I hope this help you, this are just my suggestion.
james23   
Jan 6, 2011
Undergraduate / "no single definition of engineering" - transferring essay into Carnegie [3]

Throughout my essay, I notice that I mentioned Carnegie Mellon University too much: how to I fix that
I will feedback on: did I answer the prompt, dose it convey the ideal of the prompt, do I ned to add more details. I will also take any feedback that you might suggested that I will help.

This essay is for transferring into Carnegie Mellon in Fall 2011.

I sat down on my chair, as I immersed myself into Carnegie Mellon University website. Throughout my research, I concluded that Carnegie Mellon University has found me. Carnegie Mellon University is a very unique university and it appeals to my interest of my studies. Carnegie Mellon is ranked among the top engineering and science in the country. The class size is very small with student to faculty ratio of 10:1, will allow me to get to know the professor as a person. In Carnegie Institute of Technology there is no single definition of engineering. I will be applying in the departments of mechanical and biomedical engineering. As I sat down on my chair, I reminisced two years of my arrival to New York. I was watching CNN present about stories of soldiers in the hospital who was deeply injured, not able to walk and missing their body parts from suicide bombing. I saw the treatment that they were given and technology used was amazing, such as artificial leg. I have never seen an advance technology before. And I want to part of that I want to advance the technology more that they were using. At Carnegie Mellon University I will definitely get the up hand in research in biomedical and mechanical engineering. Professor Steven Collins research on, " recycling energy restore impaired ankle function during human walking" caught my interest when I looked into mechanical engineering website.

I strongly believe that Carnegie Mellon University is the right path for me to achieve my goals in biomedical and mechanical engineering. Minor in robotic will give me a solid foundation of robotic and twice my knowledge in robotic because I will pursue a research in mechanical engineering aspect of robotic when I am accepted. Although minor in international engineering studies is not in my plan yet, I am looking forward for possible minor in international engineering studies. As an immigrant from Edo State, Nigeria, it will be a great way for me to enhance my skills and leadership as engineering.

My goals in the future are to make technology accessible to everyone. I will also like to create an outreach engineering and science program to educate people in the developing country. I am specially looking forward to my country Nigeria, since the villages in Nigeria lack education and technology. I will also focus on other developing country as well. My automate goal is to create advance technology to help soldiers coming for war to help me them recover and rehabilitation. I don't know how, but going to Carnegie Mellon University will definitely put me in the right path.

I will be greatly honored to attend Carnegie Mellon University to continue my studies.
james23   
Dec 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon Supplement "A Strong Foundation" [5]

Your essay is good so far. However, your experience with your grandfather was not so impressive. You to put more details in that part, also you did not claim why CUM is right for you. You might want to include some research in the field that you are applying to in CUM

I hope that helps
I am working on my essay and is pain.. good luck
I am also applying for CUM :}
james23   
Dec 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "Computer science runs in the family" - motivation to transfer, academic interests [4]

Well.. i think your essay need to be strong. Why you love computer science, what is amazing about it. Also put any experience or any thing that you have done. I will also want to talk more about Nigeria.

I am from Nigeria too.
put details.
I hope that helps.
I am also working on my essays :)
james23   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Strong and proud Nigerian parents and me" - Cornell engineering transfer essay [2]

Prompt: Tell us what you'd like to major in at Cornell and why, how your past academic or work experience influenced your decision, and how transferring to Cornell would further your academic interests.

Hi, I will like to know if my essay answer the prompt. I will also be glad to have any feedbacks. Thank you for your time.

I was raised by strong and proud Nigerian parents who did not attend college. I am the last child in my family to attend college. I find it hilarious when my father still calls me "baby", since I am the youngest of my siblings. My father always tells me: "Etiosa, do not fellow your brother's path. Do your own things. Be different." I don't want to walk in the shadow of my brother. I want to contribute my own accomplishments to my family name.

Upon starting classes at the New York City College of Technology at the City University of New York, I was initially intimidated because I was not exposed to mathematics and science to the same extent as my peers. As I entered the classroom on the first day of class, I reminisced about my experiences at the Sacnas Regional Conference at Brandeis University, which supports the science and technology research of minority students. Seeing the advanced students and faculty present their work was incredibly inspiring for me. This conference cemented my fascination for science and technology.

Since then, my interest in mathematics and science grew tremendously and I pursued the opportunity to do research with Professors Andrea Ferroglia and Giovanni Ossola. Professor Ferroglia works on theoretical particle physics which is relevant for the Large Hadron Collider and has done research on top quarks physics, Bhabha scattering and rare decays of the B meson. Professor Ferroglia has recently published his findings in Top Quarks Production at Hadron Colliders: an overview. I am currently working with Professor Ferroglia and Ossola on a project involving the interplay between particle interactions and their properties. I find it especially intriguing that, while gluons are the particles that are responsible for holding quarks together within neutrons and protons, they can also self interact without any involvement of other quarks. We have been discussing precision tests of the Standard Model with data from the Large Hadron Collider. In the process, I have learned about the applications of Feynman diagrams for various processes in quantum electrodynamics, such as Bhabha scattering and interactions between electrons and positrons. I have also enjoyed learning about other types of force-carrying particles. For example, the gravitational force is believed to be associated with a massless spin 2 elementary particle called the graviton, which is exchanged between all forms of energy, including matter.

In addition to physics, robotics has always intrigued me. I have taken the opportunity to learn about robots by participating in a robotic design team. I was mostly involved in the interior design of the robot and used Autodesk Inventor, along with other software packages. I would like to study mechanical engineering in the School of Engineering at Cornell University do research with Cornell Professor Andy Ruina on locomotion and robotics. I find it amazing that he has designed robots which use little or no power and yet can walk for large distances. This year, his Cornell Ranger achieved the distance record for an autonomous legged robot by walking for 14.3 miles! This may have incredible applications within the biomechanical field for making more effective artificial legs. I would love to have the privilege to continue my studies at Cornell University and be involved in these wonderful discoveries.

494 words
james23   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Left Without a Father and my greatest role model - UC Prompt #1 [5]

Good structure. But I don't understand why is your father a role model. You only mention that he is brilliant man. What makes your father a role model?

I myself can say my father is brilliant...
You need to add more details. I am the reader not the writer. As a reader tell me why my father is role model. What did he do?
james23   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / MIT ESSAY ON DAPARTMENT THAT APPEAL TO YOU [2]

The mechanical engineering department at MIT appeal to me because I am stunned with the research center at MIT and as well as my curiosity of technology. Control, instrument, and robotics research at MIT explode my heart of robotics and innovation of instrument that can be used in the field of surgery. My interest in mechanical engineering would helped my country Nigeria as well since is a developing country with new ideas and innovation because MIT is one of those colleges who is known for innovation with technology to help humankind 91 words