JRob105
Feb 12, 2010
Writing Feedback / Issue of local concern - parent-child relationship [3]
I would change "involved with and taught" to exposed to
"The environment we live in is crucial to the way our thinking will develop, and therefore, will have a great impact on our actions and decisions."
Separate sentence
"The kids at my old public school found it humorous to ridicule me because of my ethnicity."
Put "once" after "girl". Take out alone, its redundant.
Take out "ever"
Take out everything before the colon
"tables"
"The way they treated like everyone else was shocking, but people respecting and admiring me for who I am left me astonished."
"Although it is very common, I do not wish for other people to experience what I did"
In life, it is a reality that we become what we have been involved with and taught since we were born.
I would change "involved with and taught" to exposed to
The environment we live is crucial the way our way of thinking will develop, and therefore, it will have a great impact on our actions and decisions.
"The environment we live in is crucial to the way our thinking will develop, and therefore, will have a great impact on our actions and decisions."
and do not comprehend the importance of their responsibility
Separate sentence
The kids at my old public school thought it was funny ridiculing me because of my ethnicity.
"The kids at my old public school found it humorous to ridicule me because of my ethnicity."
Once, a girl came to me alone and made fun of my eyes and language.
Put "once" after "girl". Take out alone, its redundant.
Ever since third grade
Take out "ever"
The difference between the two schools I went to was apparent: in this school, there are kind and amiable people surrounding me.
Take out everything before the colon
I was curious how they knew about me and it turned out that I was the star conversation of their dinner table.
"tables"
The way they treated me normally, like everyone else was shocking; but people respecting and admiring me for who I am left me astonished.
"The way they treated like everyone else was shocking, but people respecting and admiring me for who I am left me astonished."
I do not wish for other people to experience what I did, which is very common
"Although it is very common, I do not wish for other people to experience what I did"