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Posts by JRob105
Joined: Jan 15, 2010
Last Post: Feb 12, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 10  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 14
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JRob105   
Feb 12, 2010
Writing Feedback / Issue of local concern - parent-child relationship [4]

In life, it is a reality that we become what we have been involved with and taught since we were born.

I would change "involved with and taught" to exposed to

The environment we live is crucial the way our way of thinking will develop, and therefore, it will have a great impact on our actions and decisions.

"The environment we live in is crucial to the way our thinking will develop, and therefore, will have a great impact on our actions and decisions."

and do not comprehend the importance of their responsibility

Separate sentence

The kids at my old public school thought it was funny ridiculing me because of my ethnicity.

"The kids at my old public school found it humorous to ridicule me because of my ethnicity."

Once, a girl came to me alone and made fun of my eyes and language.

Put "once" after "girl". Take out alone, its redundant.

Ever since third grade

Take out "ever"

The difference between the two schools I went to was apparent: in this school, there are kind and amiable people surrounding me.

Take out everything before the colon

I was curious how they knew about me and it turned out that I was the star conversation of their dinner table.

"tables"

The way they treated me normally, like everyone else was shocking; but people respecting and admiring me for who I am left me astonished.

"The way they treated like everyone else was shocking, but people respecting and admiring me for who I am left me astonished."

I do not wish for other people to experience what I did, which is very common

"Although it is very common, I do not wish for other people to experience what I did"
JRob105   
Feb 11, 2010
Writing Feedback / Schools are the only place to receive true education? toefl essay [4]

Some people argue that schools are not the only place to receive true education, they refute that there are many places to receive education.

I would make this two separate sentences, or separate it by a semi colon.

However, I have two supporting reasons for why schools are the best place to learn.

I would take out supporting, its unnecessary. Also, I would either change however to a different conjunction, or switch I and However.

Schools can teach many useful skills and schools can give formal education by proven teachers.

"Schools can teach many useful skills and can give formal education by proven teachers." And I would change proven to something different. It doesn't quite make sense in this context.

So, there is no doubt that schools are the best place to receive proper and true education.

Take out "So,"

schools can teach the most important skill to live in society, how to socialize with people.

I would change "school" to "They". Otherwise its redundant

Since students see their friends everyday, they will better know how to make friends and how to socialize with new people.

Take out the second "how to". And change "friends" to something more general like peers or classmates.

Some might argue that students will be able to socialize better in other places, but students can build real friendship and companions in school, encountering similar problems as their peers.

The last part of the sentence doesn't go with the first

They need to solve problems with their peers, they would eventually make friendship and bond between friends which would last for a long time.

This is worded weirdly. Check subject verb agreement

Also, schools provide education regarding diverse subjects, these subjects that students learn would be valuable for them in the coming years for them to have a job that they want.

"Also, schools provide education regarding diverse subjects. These subjects that students learn will be valuable for them in the coming years when they go to find the job that they want."

To illustrate, as a student I learned numerous information.

Add "have" before learned

Schools have taught me how to socialize, motivated me to study and to achieve my utmost.

"Schools have taught me how to socialize, motivated me to study, and to achieve my utmost potential."

Teachers who have studied so hard for the passion to teach students have great amount knowledge.

"Teachers who have studied so hard with a passion to teach students have a great amount knowledge."

There is great difference from formal and informal teachers since, formal teachers study so hard to achieve eligibility to teach students. Whereas informal teachers can just read out letters from books.

"There is a great difference between formal and informal teachers. Formal teachers study hard to achieve eligibility to teach students. Informal teachers can just read out letters from books."

For instance, my brother who is a teacher at an elementary school, he has tried so hard to teach students.

Take out the last part

To sum up, schools can provide students with much of valuable information and schools are proven place where students can learn from knowledgable teachers. In this regard, I strongly believe schools are better place to learn.

change "to sum up" to In conclusion. Take out "of". Add "a" in front of "proven". Add "a" in front of "better".

I think the main problem you have with your essay in punctuation and grammar
JRob105   
Feb 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I want to study engineering- Poly NYU Personal Statement [3]

Tell us why you selected your major or your area of interest.

When I was younger, I was asked a question that is generally common for young children: What did I want to be when I grow up? Most people do not usually think that a child as young as five years old knows what they want to do for the rest of their life. What people want to hear is the possibility of what life can bring you, and what you can bring yourself. They are looking for some kind of reassurance that youth is still innocent of the world, and that dreams can come true.

My dream, as a young child, was never very constant. Over the years my potential career list has included: doctor, actress, astronaut, business woman, lawyer, and engineer. To this day, I am still not sure exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. However, what I do know is how I am going to accomplish it. I am going to study engineering. Engineering has the gift of being a very versatile major; after earning a Bachelor of Science in the field I could easy move on to any of the careers of my childhood list.

My educational goal is to earn an undergraduate degree in engineering, then to continue my education in a field that I adore. As far as my career goals go, the sky is the limit. My parents always tell me that I can do whatever I set my mind to, and I believe them. I can be successful at whatever I try. The only requirement I have of my future career is that it does good to others in some kind way, for my true measurement of success will be how many lives I make better along the way.

Did I answer the topic? Also, I'm looking to shorten it a bit. What should I take out? Any criticism at all would be appreciated. Thanks in advance
JRob105   
Jan 17, 2010
Undergraduate / my mother - Some who has made an impact on my life [3]

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

When I think of the person who has made the most impact on my life, the person that comes to mind is no other than my mother. Other than the obvious answer of giving me life, she has given me so much more than that. She has given me a home filled with love, support, and understanding. She is a single mother, who never let that fact stop me from having a good life. Although she is not the wealthiest person in the world, she has qualities that are worth so much more than riches.

I was very young when my parents were divorced. Although my father was still around, his diminishing appearance in my life became increasingly apparent. It was my mother who picked up where he left off. She came to all of my soccer games, all of my school plays, and all of my recitals. She was there for the big parts of my life, but more importantly, the small parts.

********

Any criticism is greatly appreciated
JRob105   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "What Swimming Has Taught Me"-Texas A&M Essay Topic C [5]

Thank you everyone for critiquing my essay. Here is what I've came up with using the comments so far. I'm not completely done yet, but it does sound a lot better. If anyone has any comments to write about this revised essay, feel free to do so. Thank you.
JRob105   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / World Cultures class - An issue that is important to me [3]

Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

The first time I became fully aware of the fact that many people don't have access to clean water I was in World Cultures class. We were on the chapter of Sub- Sahara Africa. The past few days had been spent taking notes on the many illnesses that affect the region. My teacher had decided to show us a video recording of a television special from MTV. In this segment two celebrities, as well as two students, went to Africa to try to help with the AIDS epidemic. Although this video was about AIDS another topic was mentioned that really captivated me: The lack of clean drinking water in developing nations.

The most important substance on the Earth is water. Besides making up seventy-one percent of the Earth's surface, water also constitutes seventy percent of the human body. Water is necessary for the survival of every living organism known to man. For humans, more than a few days without it could be fatal. In America, we are fortunate enough to have a very good sanitation system. However, for most developing nations, access to clean water, isn't as easy. More than one billion people go without it every day. Water related diseases are responsible for eighty percent of the world's sickness. Although a simple way to sanitize water is to boil it for fifteen minutes that is not always possible in many countries. In many parts of Africa wood is scarce resource. They use fire wood to cook their food, and find that they barely have enough for that. So as a result they are forced to fill their need by drinking unclean water.

This issue is one that I feel is of great importance. When people are denied something as simple as clean water, they are denied the basic human right to have life. A lot us take this staple for granted. We use it every day to bathe, clean, drink, and for many other tasks, yet we never stop to think of how many people don't have access to something that, in America, is considered to be generally free.

It has always been a dream of mine to do some kind of humanitarian work outside of the United States. I want to help people who don't have the bare necessities for life such as food, clothing, and shelter. I believe that if everybody did their part we could make this world a better place to live in for a lot of people. Helping third world countries get access to clean drinking water is how I want to do mine.

************************************************************

Any feedback would be appreciated. I'm really not sure whether or not I actually answered the prompt. I also feel like I may have went off on a tangent in the second paragraph.
JRob105   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "my favorite class:Organic Chemistry", Why Emory Supplement-Intro and Conclusion [4]

I think the intro takes up too many words for your limit, and I don't understand what it's leading to.

I would focus more on just answering the prompt since your body topics seem like they may require explanations, that may be lengthy.

I like the ending but it doesn't relate to what you've already written. If you can make it relate then keep it. Also, the last phrase this is why Emory almost doesn't sound right in the word play to me, but I'm not completely sure.

I think you have the basic outline to make it a great though.

If you could critique my essay I would greatly appreciate it essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/swimming-has-taught-te xas-am-essay-topic-c-15001/
JRob105   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Why essay for Colorado College (special academic calendars) [6]

It doesn't seem long enough. You may want to give more reasons for why you want to go there. Not a lot more, just a couple. Then expand in go into detail about those reasons.

I don't see anything wrong with putting that you want to expand the campus by adding an organization that has been important to you. I did it for my Rutgers essay. Explain the details of the club, and why it's important to you, and why other's would or should want to join.
JRob105   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "What Swimming Has Taught Me"-Texas A&M Essay Topic C [5]

There may be personal information that you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.

When I first learned how to swim I was four years old. My mother had signed me up for a class at the YMCA. At first, swimming didn't come easy to me; at the end of the class I still could not stay afloat. Nevertheless, as my instructor encouraged my mother to take me to the class again, my effort was not in vain. By the end of the second class I could honestly say that I loved swimming. Following this experience, every summer I would spend countless hours in the pool. Swimming was what made me look forward to summer every year.

My junior year of high school, I decided to try something new. Instead of just swimming for leisure, I decided to enter the world of competitive high school swimming. The first day arrived and I went on the bus feeling excited and nervous at the same time. I wanted to swim, but I was not sure of how good I would be. When we arrived to the pool I was in the last lane with the new swimmers. I didn't have a problem keeping up with the other people in my lane, and as a result my confidence was elevated. I was excited by the thought of the rest of the season. However, as the season continued I found it harder and harder to keep up with the others in my lane. It wasn't that the people around me were getting better, but that they were quitting. They had joined the team thinking that swimming would be easy, and that they would be in a more advanced lane. When that proved not to be the case, they simply quit. The team had lost six swimmers in a matter of two weeks, turning this small team into an even smaller team. As a result of losing most of my lane, I was now the slowest person on the team. It was aggravating to know that even though I was going the fastest pace that I could keep, I was not going fast enough to keep up with the other swimmers. I often fell behind in practice sets. Still, I made it of the highest priority that I always finish. Although many others had done so, it never once crossed my mind to quit. I had made a commitment by joining the team, and I was not going to back out of it. Just because I was not the best did not mean that I could not enjoy the sport. By working hard I could and did get better. By the end of the season I had taken nine seconds off my 100 meter freestyle, and I was able to keep up and even pass others in my lane. Thanks to this experience I had grown to love swimming even more.

When faced with a hard task the easiest thing to do is give up. It is easier to say, "I did not try my hardest" than say "I tried and failed". I feel that even if I try and fail, I still learn from the experience. The next time I try I will be that much closer to reaching my goal. Being on the swim team has taught me a valuable lesson about myself that I will never forget: when challenged with a hard task, I will not quit. I will try my hardest, and if that shows not to be enough, I will practice and keep trying until it is. Although everything I do may not come easy to me at first, if I try hard, and keep trying, eventually it will. I would rather experience failure one hundred times before I reached success, than to quit before I reach my aspiration.
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