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Posts by ershad193
Joined: May 25, 2010		 Last Post: Nov 12, 2014
Threads: 14
Posts: 333  
Likes: 5
From: India

Displayed posts: 347 / page 8 of 9
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ershad193   
Jul 13, 2010
Graduate / "to become a director" - Personal statement for Masters in Public Administration [3]

Hi Max

Can you be slightly more specific as to what challenges you faced while teaching?

I think you need a couple of commas here:
In grade school, parents have great influence in the choices one makes, in high school, peers have a great deal of influence, and the first couple of years of college influence the last two

Avoid repetition of a particular phrase (e.g. past year). Write the sentence in a way that eliminates the repeated phrase.
ershad193   
Jul 12, 2010
Writing Feedback / Clearview town mayoral election (GRE argument) [3]

Good one.

I'm not sure if there are any more flaws left. Maybe, something about the work done by Good Earth Coalition; whether they are serious environmentalists, or some electoral upstart designed to bring votes.
ershad193   
Jul 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Concerning Transfer Admission to University of Texas: Statement of Purpose Essay [5]

1) There are too many irrelevant details in your essay. For example,
- your description of the looks and ethnicity of your parents
- words/phrases like "emerald", "orange tropics", etc.

2) In the penultimate paragraph, how come you've suddenly become the narrator of the narrator? :)

3) Your essay is very general in nature. Try to be more specific. For instance, talk about your goals, achievements, etc.

4) I found a very interesting piece written by one of the moderators (maybe ex-) on the usage of the verb "to be". Follow the link and read it: https://essayforum.com/grammar/avoid-verb-5678/
ershad193   
Jul 11, 2010
Writing Feedback / My (woman's) Weekend -TOEFL [4]

On weekends , people have a chance to enjoy their timeboth outdoors or indoors

different especially for women . Women can not enjoy their time outdoors

change the atmosphere outside

I'm not sure what you're trying to say.

I don't get the chance to do the household chores except on weekends

On those days , I wake up late, and start my cleaning journey

then hang up the clean clothes.

Although the life improves, household chores remain the same

Astute observation
whether a household chore

it is too hard for women to

I can't give you a score, but your ideas were pretty clear. I've heard that the ability to express yourself counts more in TOEFL than IELTS. But this may very well be an unfounded rumor.
ershad193   
Jul 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Splash 1996! The significance of water. [6]

Hi Taylor

While your essay has an interesting theme, I was disappointed with some of your word choices. For example, "liquid", "substance", etc.

the role of water in my life intensified

Can you write this differently?

the water somehow always provided me with the solutions.

You could write it like, "somehow water always helped me to think clearly."

who would have thought of the impact that this seemingly insignificant natural resource could have on my life?

I don't think you need a rhetorical question in this essay. The fact that you are writing an essay on water is enough to create the desired effect.

Good luck!
ershad193   
Jul 10, 2010
Graduate / SOP for Phd in Resource Economics [5]

Hi Abir

You really know your stuff, don't you? I enjoyed reading your essay.

Even though I agree with all that you said about the Indian government, it does come out sounding slightly boastful. I mean, it seems like you are implying that you know a lot more than all the "highly educated and experienced" policy makers of the government...But that's just my opinion.

my academic path was clearly planned out, not by me necessarily, but by my parents, relatives and friends.

I totally empathize with you. It's still the same.
ershad193   
Jul 10, 2010
Scholarship / Rhodes Scholarship Essay - why you wish to attend [2]

Rhodes Scholarship Essay

"A signed essay (preferably typed) by the candidate detailing the proposed course of study at Oxford, general interests and activities, including sports and the future aims of the candidate".

The Essay should clearly bring out your strengths, but also must include "why you wish to study at oxford, the course / degree of your choice". How is it relevant for your short term/ long-term goals? And the kind of work you would like to do later on in life. Word limit -- 1000 words

Guys, I need some help writing this. How should I approach it? How similar and different should it be from my SOP?
ershad193   
Jul 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Essay question to enter into a nursing program (Pierce College) [3]

The first thing I noted was the length of your essay. You have been given an upper limit of one page, or roughly, 500 words. So, make use of it. Try to incorporate some additional examples which prove your suitability. Right now, your essay is not very convincing.

Remember, brevity is appreciated only when each and every sentence packs a punch. If you can do it, then great. Otherwise, take the easier route.
ershad193   
Jul 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "to fit the expectations of others" uc- Being a twin [3]

Hi Mayra

Great essay. I can't really find anything to criticize.

The one and only point I lost track slightly was when you talk about high school. I didn't understand how you got over your defensive phase.

The most important thing I realized though was that there's always going to be a Ricky

This is great.
ershad193   
Jul 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE (Analysis of an argument): Handing over security job of a company to a group [8]

The following appeared as a part of plan being discussed at the meeting of the Security department of Omax Industries
"In order to effectively take over the security threats to our installations, it is recommended that our company hire services from Tough Securities. Tough Securities boasts of more than 2000 personnel on the roll. More than 40% of their security guards are ex-defence personnel and most have been effectively manning the two installations of Wilroy Oil Industries. Mr. David Smith, CEO of Tough Securities has agreed to offer a discount of 14% to our company for the current year."

Security of its installations is one of the prime concerns of any company. A company cannot run properly if its employees always fear for their safety, or if the owners are constantly worried about the state of their equipments. However, the decision taken by Omax Industries to let Tough Securities take over its security concerns without considering all the facts may lead to harmful lapses.

Firstly, the statement does not mention anything about the arms used by Tough Securities. A lack of state-of-the-art equipments may negate the advantages of having large personnel numbers. Also, employing a small may result in better communication and coordination among the guards; a fact often demonstrated by the effectiveness of the small units in Special Forces.

Secondly, it is not clear as to whether Tough Securities have handled jobs similar to the one required in Omax Industries. Working in an incompatible environment may require some adjustment time. But, there is no room for such delays in a security job.

One final point that weakens the argument is the fact that there is no data regarding the ages of the personnel. It is admirable that more than one third of the force is made up of defence personnel. But it doesn't hide the reality that a physically unfit force, however trained, cannot cope with the rigors of the aforementioned job.

Handing over the security responsibilities to Tough Securities may turn out to be the best decision taken by Omax Industries. However, before conclusions are taken, the group's background and suitability must be properly investigated. After all, partial knowledge often spawns trouble.
ershad193   
Jul 9, 2010
Faq, Help / Essay Forum Appreciation Thread [14]

Hey guys

I got my IELTS score today. I scored 8 out of 9. My writing score was 7.5 (why didn't I join this forum six months back?), which is all right. Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone associated with this site; the mods (esp. Kevin) and the members.

I'd advise all the non-native speakers to keep posting their essays. You'll improve pretty quickly.

Cheers!!!
ershad193   
Jul 8, 2010
Graduate / "My medical aspirations" - Personal statement for graduate entry medicine [11]

Hi again!

Wait for sometime. Kevin or Susan will help you out. In the meantime, I can give you one more suggestion.

Your essay has little hints of some incidents of your life, but you never elaborate them. For example, the one in the first paragraph. Here, I felt like you were going to describe the experience and how exactly it affected your outlook, but you end it there. Pick an incident and tell the reader about it.

My personal statement is nearly complete, take a look at that one:
ershad193   
Jul 7, 2010
Graduate / "My medical aspirations" - Personal statement for graduate entry medicine [11]

Well, your writing is good; grammatically astute and easily understandable. I like the fact that all your paragraphs are built around the same central theme.

I forgot one point. Why didn't you include a para on the institution, explaining why you want to attend that particular one and how it will help you achieve your goals?
ershad193   
Jul 7, 2010
Graduate / "My medical aspirations" - Personal statement for graduate entry medicine [11]

Hi Ellen

You need hyphens here
face-to-face, hands-on, people-centric

Within a year I began to crave professional development

What do you mean by the phrase, "professional development"? It seems vague.

coupled with my drive for scientific knowledge resulted in medicine emerging as a clear and natural winner.

You have already said that nicely in the first paragraph. No need to repeat it.

I learnt that hospitals aren't glamorous, are often heart wrenching, and that being a doctor requires an immense amount of applied and social skill. I also learnt that those skills were in line with my own innate aptitudes and disposition.

Instead of the second sentence, you can put the "..maturity, level headedness..." line and also include some of the social skills you mentioned. This reduces the word count and makes the previous statement stronger.

By the way, you seem really courageous. Even some Indians are afraid of going to Jammu & Kashmir, which is sad.

Good luck!
ershad193   
Jul 7, 2010
Writing Feedback / The increasingly rapid pace of life today causes more problems than it solves. [5]

Three points

1) You have used the example of "financial ability/status", more than once; i.e. repetition.
2) Incorporate a couple of arguments against your opinion, and then try to prove that your opinion is advantageous/better.
3) I'm not sure about the child example. Children are not, and have never been, affected by the pace of life. Hence, it doesn't strengthen your argument.
ershad193   
Jul 6, 2010
Graduate / Graduate entry Statement Writing (mentioning professors names, jargon, major, sign [4]

I am about to apply to grad school as well, and I don't know any better than you do. So, the following are just my opinions:

1.Is it alright to mention Professors names whom have helped you/ you look up to / you worked with in your SOP?

Yes, especially, if you have done some research work under their supervision. Also, if the prompt asks you to tell about someone who inspired you, then you have to name them.

2.Should I state what University I am coming from in the statement or does that matter?

Not necessary if you are including your CV.

3. Is it alright to use major specific jargon? (i.e. nihonjinron, sankinkotai, samurai, daibutsu, etc)

Yep. The person reading it will be quite familiar with the subject and its terms.

4. Should I assume that the reader knows about the major I am applying for and therefore not need to explain certain things (like the jargon above)? Or should I write like they know what I am saying?

Same as above.

5. Should I sign the botton of it?

Yes.

By the way, I like your username :D
ershad193   
Jul 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Help with writing a career goals essay for Recording and Music Production school [5]

My goal for the future is to be happy no matter what I choose to do.

You know Andrea, some people search all their lives for a career in which they are happy. What will happen if you go to Madison and find out that you are not happy? Think about it. Say something concrete, something specific. For example, you could say that you want a career as a ______ ______ in the music industry.
ershad193   
Jul 6, 2010
Writing Feedback / Increased sales of leisure items. GRE(argument) [3]

The average household income in the country might have risen significantly over the past three years. But this gives just the average value.

This is a good point. Although, you can state it in a different way... That is, the average household income can also rise if the rich earn more than they did in the past. In that case, the average may not indicate the purchasing power of the actual consumers of the megamart.

The other points are pertinent. An additional point maybe the fact that, the trend has taken place over a very short period i.e. three years.

You are definitely getting better with each essay. Good luck with your GRE. I'm also thinking about taking it this August.

P.S. Why don't you post the GRE (Analysis of an issue) essay?
ershad193   
Jul 5, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE: argument51: antibiotics, a part of treatment for muscle strain patients?? [4]

Good job. Excellent points. You've found most of the flaws in the argument.

Another point would be -- a significant decision like the one mentioned by the author cannot be taken based on a single study. There must be multiple experiments and the reports should be peer-reviewed.

However, you have some grammatical errors. I know these can creep in when you are writing under time constraints, but you should make an effort to minimize them.
ershad193   
Jul 5, 2010
Grammar, Usage / General writing advice: Addressing the audience [7]

Hi everybody!

**For the sake of simplicity, let's term my next few lines as advice(s). Actually, I'm not sure what they are. **

The advice I am going to give doesn't just apply to English, but to other languages as well. I can say this because I am fluent in three Indian languages viz. Hindi, Bengali and Assamese. Additionally, I know some Sanskrit and passable Urdu (I can read Arabic but that doesn't count as I don't understand it). All these languages have taught me the importance of addressing the audience appropriately. So, the advice is about how to communicate with people who have varying levels of knowledge, intelligence and grasp of language.

We know from our everyday knowledge that, we have to vary our vocabulary, sentence structure and tone to suit the person who is listening. We do not use the same linguistic range when addressing children, as we do with adults. On the other hand, we don't use a patronizing tone when talking to our parents, as we use with our younger siblings. This convention can be applied to writing as well.

Take the example of a technical school/college essay. When I write such an essay, I already know that the person who is going to read it, i.e. the professor, knows a lot more about the topic than me. So, in most cases, I can be creative with the language. I can use all the terms associated with the subject, fancy words, complex structures, metaphors...blah, blah, blah. But if such an essay is fed to my neighborhood guy who studies art, he will either stick it up my backside or gulp it and flush it down his toilet (I may be wrong, but I wouldn't risk it).

Hence, it is advisable to first assess the capacity of the audience before communicating with them, irrespective of written or spoken means. Some people think that if they don't express themselves at the peak of their abilities, their stature will be downgraded. This is a wrong notion. When we use simple words and sentences to address someone with inferior knowledge/intelligence/linguistic ability, we just demonstrate our versatility. We show that we can adapt to the demands of the reader (this is why I admire people who write Children's literature).

So, how do we do it? We do it the same way as we assess a listener, i.e. by noticing his/her background, intelligence and usage of the language. Therefore, I suggest we should always think about what category of people will be reading our essays/reviews/comments/junk piece like this one, before we actually write it.

**If anyone didn't understand something due to my poor sentence construction/bad grammar etc., please forgive me and if possible suggest corrections**

P.S. I hope that I have addressed the audience properly.
ershad193   
Jul 4, 2010
Undergraduate / 'anything like the Rosen campus' - Why did you choose to apply to UCF? [3]

As I grew older, my obsession with traveling the world entranced me, almost becoming an obsession rather than a passion...what are you trying to say? Maybe, you can use this...As I grew older, my interest in traveling the world became an obsession rather than a passion

But, still, obsession? Isn't it a pejorative? My suggestion would be to use a different word, one which has a positive connotation.

Two important points
1) Say some other things about the university, like, their courses, faculty etc. and I mean some details .You may include the fact that you like the campus but, use fewer words.

2) Mention a specific goal
ershad193   
Jul 4, 2010
Graduate / SOP for MS in Computer Science - family of computer and software experts. [8]

This is what I felt:

You say that you want to pursue a master's degree in the first paragraph. But you don't give the actual reasons until the third paragraph. In other words, your second paragraph seems to be wrongly positioned.

Your essay should follow a logical sequence. If I may suggest, you could use the following structure.

- want to take up higher studies
- why?
- your background, to prove you are competent enough
- interests in the selected field and how they relate to the chosen university
- how the university will help to realize your goals (be specific)
- Why should the university select you? (some personal attributes highlighted by extra-curricular activities but, relevant to the essay)

Then again, it is your essay and you can follow any sequence you like. So, take these as suggestions rather than corrections.
ershad193   
Jul 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / If you could disappear for a week, where would you go? check the error [5]

If I could disappear for a week, I would like to go to Italy, because why Because it's the most romantic place in the world.

In Italy have has a many places that I'm interested in, for example, Florence, Rome and Venice.

First of all I'll fly all the way to Venice . Cities have been named to which is one of the most romantic one of places in the world. (Use a different sentence, as you have already said that Italy is "romantic" )

It is a city full of boats instead of cars; canals instead of roads.

I'll check in the best hotel there, called the Gritti Palace

In the night time I'll have a little of some cocktail and go on a gondola boat to see all around the city

Next I'll never I won't forget to see the art works from a famous artist of Italy like Leonardo da Vinci or Michelangelo Buonarroti

oh ! I almost forget to I'll also visit 2 of the 7 wonders of the world; the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Colosseum.

The last important thing here is shopping. I'll do the shopping at Milan and the Spanish Steps.

I think a month will be fine to travel here there.
ershad193   
Jul 3, 2010
Writing Feedback / If Exceed's walls could talk, what would they tell? [3]

If the institute's name is Exceed, then the apostrophe should come before the s , i.e. Exceed's. On the other hand, if the name is Exceeds, then the apostrophe comes after the s , i.e Exceeds'. In any case, you should consult a dictionary or a grammar book to learn the usage of the apostrophe. (Googling will also do)

They are solid, strong, and tough; however and, they can watch every single thing

They would reveal some of the wrong behaviors of the teachers towards the students.

...and ignore the rest of students for obscure goals reasons

There are a few problems with your punctuation. I use a very easy technique to find out where commas are needed. I just say the sentence aloud; wherever there is a pause, I put a comma. But, before using this, you should know where semi-colon is used.

:) :D
ershad193   
Jul 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Transfer essay after a 4 year hiatus to a different program - U Pittsburgh [3]

I believe this sentence is irrelevant.

In the spring of 2009 my longtime girlfriend was accepted into a doctoral program at Duquesne University and I made the decision to accompany her. My responsibilities at the gallery did not allow me the time or energy to continue making my own work

You have repeated lines similar to the following one many times.

When I first decided to go back to school I found my mathematical foundation was not as thorough as I would like.

You have devoted three paragraphs to New Media. I think you can cut some extra stuff there.

I admire you though, for having the courage and determination to go back to your studies.
ershad193   
Jul 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Application to Undergraduate Bionengineering Program. [7]

Hey Tom, what do you think about this:

Scrap the line, "I enjoy the challenges of math and science in general and biology and physics... and rephrase the line, "My experience with WPW Syndrome impressed upon me the critical nature of medical advancement and provided a vision of how I could employ my long standing interests of biology and physics.

I am not sure if my grammar is correct, but do you get my point?
ershad193   
Jul 1, 2010
Graduate / SOP: Asian Studies M.A. for Andrea Gill [4]

Hi Andrea

on the river's dark waters

associated with these pilgrimages as they travel from valley to mountain and back again

I believe that these interests of mine could be applicable toward a better understanding of the effects of religious pilgrimages found in other areas of the world as it is my belief that society and culture are affected by the natural environments in which they develop.

believe that my research in Shugendo as a folk religion would contribute greatly to an understanding of how people, religion, and the environment in which they live, interact on overlapping and interlacing boundaries.

I am not very knowledgeable in your field, but aren't you talking about the same thing in the above two sentences?

Moreover, there seem to be too many sentences regarding your love for the Japanese culture.

Anyway, your essay did leave a mark on me. I would certainly admit you :)

Good luck!
ershad193   
Jun 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Application to Undergraduate Bionengineering Program. [7]

but not sure if moving it down would help as the next two sentences would make little sense without it

I am sorry about that. I somehow missed the last part of the sentence, "...provided a vision of how I could employ my passion for biology and physics"

I am thinking about applying for a similar course, though, at grad level. Why don't you take a look? It may give you an idea or two?
ershad193   
Jun 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / Not only women but also men have to take care of their children [7]

In a consequencyConsequently, not only women but also men have to take care of their children.

SecondlyThirdly, fathers effectaffecton their children in a different way when compared with mothers

They try to find a best way to solve it instead of getting tense...so true
ershad193   
Jun 30, 2010
Writing Feedback / The Odyssey Years, drifting through life without a tangible goal in mind [11]

Okay, so let's see.

I made three claims A,B and C. Now, my job is to start new paragraphs which provide evidence to support A,B and C.

And what will be those evidences? Examples? Quotes? Research data? (I am asking with respect to this essay)

Then, finally comes the conclusion.

Thanks again, Phil. Great blog, by the way.

P.S. I think your links are not clickable because EF doesn't allow them to be that way. I guess you can only click on EF links.

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