zengrz
Aug 9, 2010
Poetry / 1 sense poem 'When I'm at the beach I hear... [9]
I like the way you say
rather than you see. =D
G L~
I like the way you say
I hear...
rather than you see. =D
G L~
zengrz
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "Swamp kitty," a.k.a. Cottontail - a college entrance application [7]
Hi.
I think your cat is awesome!
But I think it is a bad idea to name a few. Name one, and talk about how your cat's spirit has affected you.
G L~
Hi.
I think your cat is awesome!
Since my epiphany, I have commandeered a sailboat in the Florida Keys, joined and excelled in Irish dance, become much more active in school clubs such as Obadiah and Ultimate Frisbee and National Honor Society to name a few.
But I think it is a bad idea to name a few. Name one, and talk about how your cat's spirit has affected you.
G L~
zengrz
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "To illustrate Strength" - How is the content, should it be more personal? [4]
Hi.
I think you got a little bit overwhelmed by the three values and the word limit. Just focus on one, like this one
and talk about how you have learned from it, how one of the three values (or one of your own values that resembled one of theirs) have influence you to make you better.
G L~
Hi.
I think you got a little bit overwhelmed by the three values and the word limit. Just focus on one, like this one
I've been playing guitar for about 5 years and have taught myself how to play a number of songs.
and talk about how you have learned from it, how one of the three values (or one of your own values that resembled one of theirs) have influence you to make you better.
G L~
zengrz
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / TITLE: Seven Pairs, Thirteen Years: This is my Common App Personal essay [10]
I think you have quite an unique topic, and explained the relationship between you and your glasses really well. Congratz~
If you want to cut, I suggest you to work on the intro paragraph, since it is a long para compared to the rest of your paragraphs, and it does not show how your glasses represents you.
Luckily, at the end of the day my glasses, battered and worn, were returned to me.
G L~
I think you have quite an unique topic, and explained the relationship between you and your glasses really well. Congratz~
If you want to cut, I suggest you to work on the intro paragraph, since it is a long para compared to the rest of your paragraphs, and it does not show how your glasses represents you.
Luckily, at the end of the day my glasses - now battered and worn were returned to me.
Luckily, at the end of the day my glasses, battered and worn, were returned to me.
G L~
zengrz
Aug 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Is God real? Is it true that He's there in times of my deepest sorrow? [7]
Hello~
I think your essay have truly shown the process of your growing by questioning yourself about the things that happened in your everyday life. It is really hard to do but I think you did great.
On the other hand, I think the following transition is a little bit subtle:
There seemed to have no relationship between them, and i think looked random. I know what you are getting at but I think you need to put a little bit thought into the wordings. Something like: "As I peeked deeper into my inner self, I my faith in God was put to test as I witnessed the tragedies that are happening every day..."
Or any other thing that make your essay flow.
Good luck~
Hello~
I think your essay have truly shown the process of your growing by questioning yourself about the things that happened in your everyday life. It is really hard to do but I think you did great.
On the other hand, I think the following transition is a little bit subtle:
there will be no improvement in his character and he will stay just the same immature person others know.
Is God real? Is it true that He's there in times of my deepest sorrow?
Is God real? Is it true that He's there in times of my deepest sorrow?
There seemed to have no relationship between them, and i think looked random. I know what you are getting at but I think you need to put a little bit thought into the wordings. Something like: "As I peeked deeper into my inner self, I my faith in God was put to test as I witnessed the tragedies that are happening every day..."
Or any other thing that make your essay flow.
Good luck~
zengrz
Aug 6, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Coming mom / Do not panic' - intellectually engaging exp. and letter to roomate [4]
I think "instead" will go better here.
...you will meet...
my bed; however , I am an
I think "instead" will go better here.
I may not be the most organized person you meet
...you will meet...
zengrz
Aug 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Essay for my father, who influences me a lot. [8]
Are you serious...
I think this is unnecessary, because you left it hanging without any connection to the next paragraph, and it did not shown how this aspect of him has affected you. And I think they knew well enough about CR already.
The motivation of the beginning all the way to"Without sufficient light" of the second paragraph is a bit unclear; how has his early life affected you?
Well, I can tell that your father is awesome. =D
My father was born in 1980s in China
he managed to study as best as he could for over 12 years, eventually graduating from college with a degree in Tsinghua University in 1988
Are you serious...
During this time, widespread social and political upheaval resulted in nation-wide chaos and economic disarray; education became insignificant and extravagant. Nevertheless, my father followed his dream of entering college by seizing every available opportunity despite the disapproval of his family.
I think this is unnecessary, because you left it hanging without any connection to the next paragraph, and it did not shown how this aspect of him has affected you. And I think they knew well enough about CR already.
The motivation of the beginning all the way to"Without sufficient light" of the second paragraph is a bit unclear; how has his early life affected you?
Well, I can tell that your father is awesome. =D
zengrz
Aug 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "That someone was me"; The American Dream [8]
I don't mean to put you down, but this sentence alone is worth expanding to an essay and will probably leave a better impression than the essay that you currently have. I know going to America is an exciting experience and you have shown it brilliantly with your colorful description, but what have you learn?
If this is an letter of appreciation, it would be great. But in a college application essay, do not expect to throw them your entire life and let the administration officers to interpret your life for you. Show them what you care, and how going to America has made you a better and a more mature person. I believed loving America is not an admission requirement.
Well, I may be wrong. You will have to decide for yourself.
I met the most amazing people here and they all have touched my life in many ways.
I don't mean to put you down, but this sentence alone is worth expanding to an essay and will probably leave a better impression than the essay that you currently have. I know going to America is an exciting experience and you have shown it brilliantly with your colorful description, but what have you learn?
If this is an letter of appreciation, it would be great. But in a college application essay, do not expect to throw them your entire life and let the administration officers to interpret your life for you. Show them what you care, and how going to America has made you a better and a more mature person. I believed loving America is not an admission requirement.
Well, I may be wrong. You will have to decide for yourself.
zengrz
Aug 5, 2010
Undergraduate / major in Special Education - University of Illinois Essay-Freshmen Admissions [3]
I think this is a bit long here; either one of the two will do.
because I feel an obligation to help children with special needs.
OR
because my interest in a becoming Special Education teacher has always been with me.
~~
Maybe a little bit of a preference matter, I prefer "As a child" to "As a child growing up".
~~
"However" is probably a bit strange here, maybe:
Fortunately, I received help from caring teachers...
~~
Watching my brother's struggle has motivated me to help more children with special needs to pursue their education (why?)
~~
children can shine regardless of their learning abilities. (why?)
~~
I think you can trim of cut the last sentence to elaborate more on the contain. Personal preference though.
G L ~
I feel an obligation to help special needs children. My interest in a becoming Special Education teacher has always been with me.
I think this is a bit long here; either one of the two will do.
because I feel an obligation to help children with special needs.
OR
because my interest in a becoming Special Education teacher has always been with me.
~~
Maybe a little bit of a preference matter, I prefer "As a child" to "As a child growing up".
~~
However, after getting help from caring teachers I began to read.
"However" is probably a bit strange here, maybe:
Fortunately, I received help from caring teachers...
~~
Watching my brother struggle to learn how to read has made me want to help special needs kids with their educational goals.
Watching my brother's struggle has motivated me to help more children with special needs to pursue their education (why?)
~~
children can exceed no matter if they do or do not have a learning disability.
children can shine regardless of their learning abilities. (why?)
~~
I think you can trim of cut the last sentence to elaborate more on the contain. Personal preference though.
G L ~
zengrz
Jul 25, 2010
Undergraduate / 'bioengineering research' - College Sup. Essay: Duke Pratt school of Engineering [4]
Even though I hate Bio, I feel sort of manly after reading your application...
ershad193 has pointed out many of your mistakes, think along the line and give some specific evidence of what you have pointed out in your essay.
Even though I hate Bio, I feel sort of manly after reading your application...
ershad193 has pointed out many of your mistakes, think along the line and give some specific evidence of what you have pointed out in your essay.
zengrz
Jul 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Experiences...Accomplishments...Experiences - College admission essay [6]
I like your vision that "After all, a great leader's courage to fulfill her vision comes from passion not position."
Maybe you want to describe what you have done to be a great leader after pulling out from the election. Your idea is nice, but I think you need to understand what it means.
Good luck!
I like your vision that "After all, a great leader's courage to fulfill her vision comes from passion not position."
Maybe you want to describe what you have done to be a great leader after pulling out from the election. Your idea is nice, but I think you need to understand what it means.
Good luck!
zengrz
May 26, 2010
Book Reports / Fences and Death of a Salesman Essay Pleae help me revise and edit this. [3]
You may or may not agree with me, but I'll point this out anyway.
Quote:
"...I'll show you all the towns...And they know me, boys, they know me up and down New England...I have friends. I can park my car in any street in New England, and the cops protect it like their own" (Miller 31). This quote is significant because Willy tries to persuade his sons into becoming like him by telling him about his life experiences.
I think it is a bad idea using this phrase. What it is telling me is that you do not really understand what this quote is saying and you just quote the whole lot and expect me to figure out, or you are not competent enough to integrate the quote with the idea that you want to express.
Instead try to do something like Willy tries to persuade his sons into becoming like him by "[showing] them all the towns" and ...
Yea, you see, this quote don't flow smoothly. So just take it out altogether and rephrase it. You don't need many quotes to impress the reader. Like you have pointed out, it is the flow.
Once again, I may not be right. Think about it yourself.
Good luck!
You may or may not agree with me, but I'll point this out anyway.
Quote:
"...I'll show you all the towns...And they know me, boys, they know me up and down New England...I have friends. I can park my car in any street in New England, and the cops protect it like their own" (Miller 31). This quote is significant because Willy tries to persuade his sons into becoming like him by telling him about his life experiences.
I think it is a bad idea using this phrase. What it is telling me is that you do not really understand what this quote is saying and you just quote the whole lot and expect me to figure out, or you are not competent enough to integrate the quote with the idea that you want to express.
Instead try to do something like Willy tries to persuade his sons into becoming like him by "[showing] them all the towns" and ...
Yea, you see, this quote don't flow smoothly. So just take it out altogether and rephrase it. You don't need many quotes to impress the reader. Like you have pointed out, it is the flow.
Once again, I may not be right. Think about it yourself.
Good luck!
