Posts by Yayz - page 4

Yayz

Sep 6, 2010

Scholarship / "Vietnamese village family" - Why I am apllying the scholarship and What I achieved? [8]

family of strict, traditional Buddhists

for 9nine years, left my sister inat the age of two years to my grandparents in the countryside

kindergarten, my parents found a place

~~From that time~~Thus the Russian language has became native. My p arents visited me on weekends or ~~on some~~ holidays~~, but anyway I got more parents love than my older sister.~~

I n the summer of

Maybe you can elaborate on your career goals a bit more?

Yayz

Sep 6, 2010

Undergraduate / "Changing schools" - Georgia tech. Explain an Aspect of Your Academic Background. [5]

especially induring a crucial

I ~~had to~~ moved from the state ~~in which~~where I was born in and ~~at that time thought~~believed I lived the best part of my life in t o a more unfamiliar, yet ~~better~~more civilized and ethnically diverse, state.

I hoped that wouldn't pose a serious problem because I have a trait of easily adapting to different places

I don't think you really need that sentence.

Schooling was next. I was to spend only two terms in the school before graduating to high school so I had to make a long lasting, superb impression ~~about~~of myself and my academic excellence in a short w hile.

Something done by other pupils in six-years was left to me to do in two-terms; not even a year.

That is something the admissions officers can probably figure out for themselves, there is no point in using up valuable space repeating something you just mentioned in the previous sentence. Say something new and personal that the AOs don't know yet.

This is interesting, you definitely show that you are hard-working and determined.

Yayz

Sep 7, 2010

Scholarship / Centers, infinity, absurdity--they're exciting [12]

This is sort of a distortion.

How about "the essence, or metaphorical center, of infinity is absurdity." I think that might be more straightforward.

It makes it sound like something that we can call "absurdity" is at the center of infinite space

I didn't mean geometric or physical center; I meant like how the center of walking a tightrope is balance...oO

meditation practitioners and people from various spiritual traditions often delight in the absurd.

Personally, I'm so enraptured with it, I've gotten to the point where I can say something like "OK, I have to get back to fanning arachnids while composing a shoe" to any close friend of mine and it won't even strike them as anything out of the ordinary because they are so used to me + absurdity. Plus my spontaneous laughing fits when the absurdity of a rather ordinary situation strikes me as ludicrous. Life is fun =)

koan

Ironic, a few weeks ago I was contemplating writing this essay about that in some way. I had no plan; I just thought it would be fun XD

Yayz

Sep 7, 2010

Undergraduate / "Where do you want to go to college?" - Help With Admission Essay [4]

-As I sit here staring at a blank screen, I keep thinking about what I have been told since my junior year of high school, "Your college entrance essay is the most important paper you will write in your life." I have to admit, knowing I am writing the most important paper of my life at eighteen years of age is extremely intimidating.

You might want to consider getting rid of that and just starting with the second paragraph. Most people have heard this, more or less, and most feel intimidated. I think the essay can catch the reader's attention and sound more interesting if you just start with the action of "I pass UNCW..."

As serene as these thoughts may be, the idea of being on my own, and wholly responsible for my actions, is exciting and exhilarating.

That sounded kind of odd to me. "As ____ as _____ may be" kind of sets me up for a really dramatic contrast. Serenity and excitement are different, but they aren't exactly the polar opposite-type of ideas that usually fit there. Are you trying to say something along the lines of "While I these thoughts fill me with serenity, I also feel a rush of excitement and exhilaration at the idea of..."?

While I ~~grasp the~~value
I think it might be more meaningful to describe your personal values rather than state you understand a concept.

through 13 years of dance instruction and competition

That seems kind of random just floating around in the middle of a sentence. I think you can end the sentence at the point before this and then have a sentence of have dance has and will continue to influence you

Okay, you sound like you would really like to go to UNCW--nice :-)

Yayz

Sep 11, 2010

Undergraduate / Favorite Plays: Importance of Being Earnest & Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead [3]

(One of the essays for the University of Chicago) Respond by writing a paragraph or two. Share with us a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, blogs, magazines, or newspapers? Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own.

If life could be a model of a literary work, it should imitate The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde. With all the wit, puns, cynicism, Victorian repression, paradoxes, epigrams, Bunburying, and arguments over cigarette cases, this play would make for a Wilde-ly amusing existence. If people were more honest about reality and themselves, then the world might consist of less social ills through the deterioration of illusions and more meaningful relationships between individuals through the fostering of personas that reflect a person's true being. On a more existential note, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead is an irresistible example of absurdist revelation. Following Rosencrantz and Guildenstern on a hilarious-and eventually fatal-journey showed me not only an unforgettable instance of a coin defying probability, but also a great reason to make choices and steer the course of my life. Until I read this play, I did not realize the danger of my passive attitude towards life; now I value the importance of being earnest about decision-making. For instance, a choice I am particularly earnest about is applying to the University of Chicago and, hopefully, attending it.

Yayz

Sep 11, 2010

Scholarship / Centers, infinity, absurdity--they're exciting [12]

an argumentative mood

It happens. Makes for more interesting conversation, at any rate.

Well Hawking was talking about a geometric center. That's why I gave you a hard time about it. You used his comment as a starting point

But that is why I wrote

Of course this is comparing two unlike things

It's one of my famous disclaimers. (Now I am feeling argumentative)

You must know the Soul Sista has made it quite clear that arachnids are to be homogenized by music no longer?

Yayz

Sep 29, 2010

Undergraduate / "The importance of the Spanish Language in my Life" - CU Boulder Diversity Essay [3]

These simple Spanish sentences that literally translate to, "Hello, students! How are you?"

I think you can come up with a spicier adverb than literally. A reader just kind of casually goes over literally, but if you use a word like "spritely" or "thunderously" a reader is going to be like "Woah. Pretty creative, man. Pretty creative." Obviously those examples don't really make sense here (but something coming from you will be much more captivating since you are personally attached to this topic) and, "literally" is perfectly fine--you don't have to change it. (Just a stylistic suggestion)

that I heard in my Spanish class.

That you heard? Don't you hear things all the time? But how often do words hit you? When do they smack your ears? Have they ever furiously marched in a captivating rhythm right into your hearing devices (ears)?

While at first, they were nothing more than

You don't need a comma there =)

The new building, classes, teachers, students, and even lunch food mystified me, and I simply believed that it was all just too overwhelming.
I feel like the second comma should be a semicolon...
Why simply?
The new building, classes, teachers, students, and even lunch food mystified me; it was all just too overwhelming.
You can write "consequently," after the semicolon if you feel uncomfortable without a coordinating adverb.

With that ~~being said,~~ uneasiness/discomfiture/anxiety/etc.,

I had never before been so enthralled inwith school.
I think the idiom is "enthralled with"

experience to a mundane time spent memorizing an endless span

experience to a mundane ~~time~~activity spent memorizing an endless span
Span? Didn't we talk about this, Brandon? =) How about waterfall?

Fortunately, I continued. It wasn't until now that I realized the

Ah, the tense is kind of off here. It's past (continued) present (now) past (realized). Pick one, please =)

Gabriel García Márquez

It has offered me a completely different way of thinking and allowed me to connect to a beautiful culture.

Nice!

with students ~~equally~~ as devoted
"As" implies equality ^_^

Is there too much storytelling?

I'm personally a big fan of storytelling, so I don't think I can give an impartial answer. But I really liked your story! You really showed the progression of your relationship with Spanish =D You can include more about the college part if you have room and something genuine to add, it would definitely look nice; though what you already said was pretty good.

Yayz

Sep 30, 2010

Undergraduate / An inscription to help a person I may be sharing an abode with know me better [3]

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate--and us--know you better. =D (1800 character MAX, this is 1799)

As the rain splatters against my window-the translucent green drapes oblivious to this, of course-I try to imagine a similar situation at Stanford. While I doubt California will be plagued by tropical depressions as Florida is right now, the concept of precipitation is the same. Perhaps you and I would welcome the silent moment as a chance to tackle our work, while occasionally stopping to debate philosophy. Perhaps we will be roasting "smores" over a candle after a bout of nostalgia drives us to undertake this whimsical experiment. Perhaps one of us will be winning a game of rock-paper-scissors to decide who can eat the last chocolate chip muffin. Or, perhaps, you will be asking me why I mentioned such an apparently haphazard assortment of activities in that note I wrote to you a while ago.

As I left Chemistry and headed for Psychology this morning, happy for the momentary downgrade to light drizzling from furious pounding of rain, I thought about how only two steps remained for me to complete the problem my teacher presented in class. I laughed a bit after reflecting on how eager I was to solve it, but I also noticed how immensely happy I was at the moment. It was fairly strange-after all, how enthralling can finding how many grams of the excess reagent are left be? Happiness is normal and chemistry can be very interesting, but the cause of my joy is that I am extremely satisfied with life. I am delighted with all of my responsibilities and obligations-studying, running school clubs, writing essays for Stanford, to name a few. Although they were beginning to overwhelm me, at that moment and now, the reason I complete these tasks-I enjoy them and the products of my labor-invigorates me.

Perhaps you and I will have a similarly elated year sharing a space at Stanford.

Yayz

Oct 2, 2010

Undergraduate / "Connections of a language nerd" - Why The Ohio State University? Undergrad Essay [4]

I would take out the last paragraph...schools usually don't want to hear that you only want to be accepted to prove something to someone else. It's like saying you want to end so you can make lots of money. That may be true, but it's probably best to leave it out.

I think it's great that you've mentioned your goals and passion for language, but maybe you can elaborate on how OSU will play a role in that?

The first sentence sounded a bit odd...First the subject is how OSU is a large school, then you jump to it being your first choice. The "but" makes it seem like some big contrast is coming up, but there doesn't some to even be much of a connection between the two parts of the sentence. I'm having trouble explaining this, but maybe you could rework the sentence somehow. Also, the next sentence is a really long list of vague characteristics that you don't address in your essay...maybe you can shorten it, or mention specific things, or use a pronoun like "OSU has a lot of stuff I like," except more sophisticated. Or, better yet, combine those first two sentences somehow.

Yayz

Oct 2, 2010

Undergraduate / "Connections of a language nerd" - Why The Ohio State University? Undergrad Essay [4]

Your welcome!

is it acceptable to leave the word count in at the end of the essay...?)

If they don't specifically ask for it, don't...do authors of books you've read leave word counts at the end of chapters? ;)

Yayz

Oct 3, 2010

Undergraduate / Given your desired major and why- Prison Ministry [4]

Welcome to the land of unimaginable despair

Talk about attention-grabber! The first paragraph has great imagery, but a bit confusing...did you want this in second person? (Second person would be addressing the reader. "You open your lunchbox and discover that you have forgotten your apple" is second person because is about "you")

People seem to overlook the places that need humans' fellowship the most.

This makes it seem as if the tired, the poor, the huddled masses don't need assistance...you seem a bit cold to their plight here. Maybe if you write something like "When people think of Christian Ministry, they think of traveling to third world countries to feed the hungry and poor, to heal the sick, to provide for the homeless; however, they tend to overlook the difficulties of another segment of society--prison inmates. "

It is easy to love your neighbors but hard ~~enough~~to just be in the same room as your enemies.

That's great..

Who deserves a chance for forgiveness and who does not? God has given us all thousands of chances to come back to Him, but we have all failed Him thousands of times.

The incarcerated are ~~caged~~ on the other side of ~~the~~ eight inches of concrete wall , but we are all similarly captivesof our own iniquities.

Christian Education and Ministry can help me to open the doorsof the hearts of these men and women.

The world can look down on these people, but it is my honor to be their voice and their friend.