Posts by Kimathi

Kimathi

Dec 17, 2010

Undergraduate / "Biology is beautiful; biology is deadly." - Johns Hopkins - Why Biology [9]

!st of all I think it is perfectly alright to focus you entire essay on the academic paths you see yourself following... The prompt has the and/or caveat so it is up to you. :)

That been said, I don't see enough references to UPenn and I have no idea which undergraduate school you intend to join. Since you have chosen to go the academic route, it is important that these shine through.

Best of lack from a fellow UPenn RD applicant, if your essay is anything to go by, the pool must be quite strong :)

Kimathi

Nov 20, 2010

Undergraduate / "My curiosity and ideas" - Columbia University NY. What attracts you to engineering? [7]

Well I think this is a good essay. Whether it adequately addresses the prompt is another matter. Are you aware that Columbia has a 1500 char limit on this essay. You are currently at 4023 characters. This means you'll need to chop of 62.7% of this to submit it.

Consider a serious revision.

Cheers mate!

Kimathi

Nov 14, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford - I love Stanford, diversity, chemistry, designing, astronomy, cooking.. [9]

Already sent this in! :)

Umm, I understand where your coming from but tbh my primary reason for applying to Stanford is their great programs. Plus I dint want to write the very cliche and shallow reasons such as i want ot go 'fountain hopping' or perhaps that I would love the cali weather. All this of course subtly if anything affect my decision to apply there but their programs, and ability to provide wonderful educational resources is my primary reason for applying, as indicated by the essay.

Kimathi

Oct 27, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford - I love Stanford, diversity, chemistry, designing, astronomy, cooking.. [9]

Wow, as painful as that was, it was exactly the kind of criticism I needed. Well below is what I have now, (now even more over the char limit that before... 1916/1800 chars) Please tell me what you think. Its due in 4 days...

I believe that confronting the issues facing the world requires a multi-faceted approach as opposed to one that traditionally lies within a distinct discipline. At Stanford, I will have the freedom to unite my passion for chemistry with my interest in nanotechnology and management science and engineering. Taking a combination of courses in these different fields will enable me to gain a unique perspective into engineering technology giving me a layer of versatility. The strategic directions of Stanford Engineering seamlessly align with this as the focus on nanoscience, business policy, information technology and management within the faculty augments my efforts to acquire a multidisciplinary education.

The research experience for undergraduates program at Stanford is extremely attractive as I will get an opportunity to collaborate within a research group to investigate an independent hypothesis while putting into practice the intangible concepts and skills learned in class. In this regard, I hope to be able to contribute to the Stanford Undergraduate Research Journal and by doing so make a substantial contribution to the advancement of science. With the availability of modern equipment, resources and internationally acclaimed facilities such as the Stanford Nanofabrication Facility, this is made entirely feasible and I will be ensured that my education occurs right at the frontiers of science. With this, the fundamentals of transforming exploratory research into working technologies will feature both theoretically and practically within my undergraduate years giving me an unyielding grasp of engineering principles.

I believe that I am insync with the ideologies at the core of Stanford's undergraduate program and that I have the ability to fully exploit the available opportunities; therefore, I expect to thrive in the challenging yet thoroughly fulfilling environment that is Stanford.

Kimathi

Oct 24, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford - I love Stanford, diversity, chemistry, designing, astronomy, cooking.. [9]

Any1 else? I could really use the feedback... :)

Kimathi

Oct 24, 2010

Undergraduate / True Diversity = Something I Myself Do Not Have; Yale Supplement [5]

For some reason I do not fully understand, I actually like this essay and think that it is suitable. Albeit it's it not perfect, I think it coveys a true sense of introspection, a trait that ad comms really look for. The ability to evaluate oneself objectively.

Secondly, I think that your thesis paragraph at the end of the essay shows that you actually bring something into the mix, something in the form of your perceptions. There is a saying that real diversity doesn't lie in the color of one's skin but in the content on one's thought.

To bring diversity on our own is not possible, but to create something new and distinct with other people, the process of melding minds, flying sparks of intellect, the engaging reactions, all that is beautiful.

All I would suggest is that you highlight this a bit more because it is an amazing observation. Diversity is not possible in an individual, only in a group of individuals.

Also,

instead I can and I push myself into the thriving sea of interactions.

is a bit awkward. probably try rephrase??

All together, I like this. its risky but sometimes risky is good.

Good luck :)

Kimathi

Oct 21, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford - I love Stanford, diversity, chemistry, designing, astronomy, cooking.. [9]

hey, thanks for your critique.. Umm while I understand where your coming from, i din't want to go the whole cliche route of professor name dropping and mentioning specific course listings. I wanted to show that I am in tune with Stanford's ideals, an entirely abstract concept. Two things that Stanford prides itself are 1. its focus on interdisciplinary education rather than the traditional disciplines and 2. it creation of well rounded individual. Those were the two qualities I was trying to emulate, rather unsuccessfully apparently...

Thanks for everything though.. :)

Kimathi

Oct 21, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford - I love Stanford, diversity, chemistry, designing, astronomy, cooking.. [9]

Hey, Please critique my essay for Stanford. Be devilishly brutal. I really need to get this right, and at the moment, I have a serious case of writers block, and this is due in 2 weeks. (EA)

It is above the 1800 character limit (1876) so feel free to suggest parts for amputation. Thanks. :)

Prompt: TELL US WHAT MAKES STANFORD A GOOD PLACE FOR YOU.

I love leading, I love chemistry,
I love designing, I love astronomy.
Whenever I am asked what I want to study at university, one word always comes to mind: everything. Though this is usually followed by disappointed glares and speeches attacking 'my indecision', I believe, and thankfully Stanford believes too, that confronting the issues facing the world requires a multi-faceted approach as opposed to one that traditionally lies within a distinct discipline. At Stanford, I will have the freedom to unite my passion for chemistry with my interest in management science, astrophysics and product design. By taking a combination of courses in these different fields, I will gain a unique perception that will enable me to provide a new angle of insight into processes that previously seemed straightforward. Stanford's multidisciplinary approach to education encourages exploration ensuring I graduate with both a depth and a breadth of knowledge.

I love cooking, I love discovery,
I love public speaking, I love photography.
At Stanford, I can be assured of holistic development through the numerous activities on campus. I can join the Stanford Photography Club and express myself using light, delve into the culinary arts with various lessons at the Bechtel International Center and indulge in the numerous opportunities for debate with the Stanford Debate Society as well as the Stanford Model United Nations Conference. Most notably though, I will be able to partake in the numerous undergraduate research opportunities; hence placing me at the forefront of scientific discovery.

I am a unique individual with already varied interests. Surrounded by an assorted student body, I will learn from different cultures to augment the knowledge I attain from my classes and hence ensure that in the end I will be a fusion of varied experiences.

I love Stanford, I love diversity

Kimathi

Sep 14, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectually Engaging Essay: Knot theory [3]

Hey, please critique my essay for the stanford supplement.

Prompt: 1. STANFORD STUDENTS ARE WIDELY KNOWN TO POSSESS A SENSE OF INTELLECTUAL VITALITY. TELL US ABOUT AN IDEA OR AN EXPERIENCE YOU HAVE HAD THAT YOU FIND INTELLECTUALLY ENGAGING.

"The bunny runs round the tree and into the hole." Like many children have, this is how I learned to tie shoe-laces and later ties. Hence, when I read the paper "Tie Knots, Random Walks and Topology", by Thomas Fink and Yong Mao, the information contained therein provided a sense of illumination into the tying of ties. The introduction of a mathematical guide to an aesthetic act was so eccentric as to make it fascinating.

Who would have thought that ties are homeomorphic to a constant random walk on a 2-D triangular lattice? A process that I had previously considered seemingly basic was in fact only superficially so. That the main consideration in determining the finite number of possible knots is size, i.e. the number of moves in a knot sequence, is particularly intriguing. The fixed tie length and aesthetic regard limits the maximum number of this moves to 9, thus the total possible tie-knots according to convention is 85.Further considerations like shape, balance and symmetry, however, invalidate 72 of these ties as aesthetically feasible leaving only 13 distinct ties that are wearable. I love the feeling of enlightenment I get when tying a tie and I know exactly what I am doing, why I am doing so and the effect of what I am doing on the symmetry and size of my tie-knot. The Plattsburgh, configuration Lo Ci Ro Ci Lo Ri Co T, has since become my favorite tie knot.

The possibility of application of knot theory across a variety of areas is overwhelming. For instance different function-specific proteins can be determined due to the ratio of particular types of knots or perhaps the distinct characteristics of some polymers can be established by the degree and type of entanglement. How many more processes can be conclusively determined in totality by such investigation?

There is a 1800 char limit btw. :)

Kimathi

Aug 27, 2010

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

Though it is a brilliant essay, I don't think it accurately addresses the prompt. Where is the reference to MIT? You could've chosen to learn Computer Science and Engineering in a multitude of different schools. Why MIT? it is in this regard that this essay is similar to that of Stanford. It calls for specific reference to the MIT department.

I think. :)

Kimathi

Aug 26, 2010

Undergraduate / 'Twister and Spinner' - Supplement Essay . note to a future roommate.. [7]

Hey great essay! I am actually quite jealous! :)

My friends, now frozen in precarious positions, all look atme attent ively anticipating further instructions.

I though that comma interrupted with the flow of the sentence.

~~It is time to announce the next move~~ .

I don't see the need for this sentence.

Seated, I look at the colorful board resting on my lap and set my fingers on the black arrow inat its centre.

By now you must have guessed ~~what I am doing.~~that I'm playing the exciting and potentially complex game of twister.

Haha, I love the rest of it! Though I think you over the limit of 1800 characters. It appears that way, check to be sure.

Kimathi

Aug 25, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]

adverbs usually weaken sentences.

I see that now. :)

this is a cool way to describe a person, by the way!

Haha! her nickname is actually Ms. Perfect!

Thanks for that kevin. My Character count actually went down (albeit by 2 only :D)
1798 + 1 - 6 +3 = 1796 char

What do you think about the overall message is portrays though. Is it holistically appropriate for the prompt? Have you learned something about me?

Thanks dude. :)

Kimathi

Aug 25, 2010

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement, Short Answer: Past 2 Summers [11]

I think it will be wise if you could have each event to have its own paragraph unless you have a word limit. e.g the driving lessons you can expound how intresting it was and the experience you had

There is a character limit, and I am flirting dangerously close to it. =( In terms of essays in the application, this is a very subordinate one. In some cases it is not even required. I think a two paragraph write up is sufficient for a short essay, no???

By the way, are you Ugandan? Your share a surname with someone I know. :)

Want a job as my tutor?

Haha, you have done so much for me thus far, I felt i had to give something back! =)

those I did to develop certain skills, and indeed

I am not really the type who put a comma before and and the last term in a list. But I think it is appropriate here to set the flow of the sentence, thanks. :)

Thanks for your help guys!

Kimathi

Aug 24, 2010

Undergraduate / "rugby was my best sport" -Using 150 words, activities or events and experiences [4]

1st of all is this for the Common Application? If so you should note that the prompt reads : Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer). Therefore you should focus on either the school magazine, rugby or the youth group. Don't write about all. I would personally prefer the youth group because it sounds less conceited. The other two kinda do. I get the feeling you are indicating that 'without me as captain the rugby team would suck' I think it is just an issue of not expounding on your ideas enough due to space constraints. Pick one. :)

Experiences ~~and challenges~~(redundant) have broadened my vision of mankind and made me a proactive person. As the journalism and law club editor, I faced immence pressure. Students were demanding a magazine ~~and~~while the administration ~~slap~~was adamant in its claim of lack of funds,~~made~~making our idea of success a mirage. In the end, perserverance made us ~~win~~successful in making the first ~~succesful~~ school magazine,a feat deserving of a spot in the halls of history.~~for the club~~ .

In the field, rugby was my best sport. Not on nly did I learn a great deal of teamwork, but also playing asin the winger position earned me a crown scoring points and leading from the front as team captain.

After high school, I joined The Young Elite youth group. The programme(American English)~~based on~~dealt with drug use and abuse, e nvironmental cleaning, e thics and good health, m entoring and e ducation. It was ~~the best~~an avenue of profound personal growth in community development.

Kimathi

Aug 24, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]

Look for unnecessary words and sentences. It i especially good to cut the modifiers.

I did that. Though I think some modifiers are necessary. :)

Ingrained in us from an early age, are values such as tenacity and amiability.

I tried this, but then the following sentence sounded like a digression. I think it provide a good transition. Correct me if I'm wrong.

be it a cup of coffee at CoHo or perhaps even a casual hike up to the dish; we will form each other's support systems.

I think this is essential as it shows how i'll apply the lesson within the context of Stanford. bonus points for mentioning the campus coffee house.. :p I think It shows that I have though about the college life, no?

Anyway, I have revised it, and it is now below the char limit. It is 1798 so unless a revision adds at most 2 characters or takes away more, my hands are tied.. :)

Going beyond mere cohabitation, the level of intimacy within my family is one characteristic of best friends rather than kin. My mother and sister are my confidants, my personal cheer squad and the muse from where I draw my inspiration for life. Perhaps the consequence of a single-parent household, my family is the most essential thing in my life.

It is quite ironic that my mother's name is Rose. Far from the delicate flower her name indicates, she is a fighter: knocking down challenges left, right and center; but always coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us. Ingrained in us from an early age, are values such as tenacity and amiability. She has demonstrated, quite practicably, that the issues affecting a person should never translate into devalued social interactions. I intend to carry on this attitude within our room. Even when we are up to our knees in assignments, we should still find time to indulge: be it a cup of coffee at CoHo or perhaps even a casual hike up to the dish; we will form each other's support systems.

My sister, Sandra, the reason that the word perfectionist was added into the English language; she always demands the very best from me, shirts: impeccably folded, room: appropriately organized, food: suitably seasoned. Sandra has taught me never to be complacent; often, one can do better. Her high expectation of me has translated to my constant quest for self-improvement, from matters as trivial as how best to economize on closet space to more significant issues such as raising my grade point average.

Though they will be miles away while I am at college, my family's influence on me transcends distance and is omnipresent. I hope that I can positively utilize this impact throughout college, and indeed our time together.

Kimathi

Aug 24, 2010

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement, Short Answer: Past 2 Summers [11]

Well, design is a noun, so it is okay. Its verb form is the same as its noun form, so that makes it different from manufacture and manufacturing.

In the same way manufacture is as much a verb as it is a noun:

Manufacture 1. noun, The process of manufacturing goods
2. verb, Process or make goods at a large scale using machinery.
(Source Collins English Dictionary and Thesaurus Express Edn.)

So I think it is exactly the same. :) If the gerund was required, CAD would be Computer Aided Designing??? :)

About 'discovery of the'... yeah, I think discovery is a bad word! I think it is almost a cliche even though it is only one word. But I think you should find an alternative to 'attachment'... what do you mean by attachment?

Attachment is a term used to mean a junior position at a firm, think internship, work experience. I think it originates from attaché (The junior member in an ambassadors suite). Would you think internship was more appropriate? Because I really wasn't enrolled as a student, but I was getting instruction in the workshops and laboratories. So summer school doesn't quite explain it.

Kimathi

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Volunteering does count as experience too :)

I know that. in fact it counts as a very appropriate experience. Just wanted to make sure you hadn't mixed the prompts up again. You know the Stanford incident, lol!! As long as this is listed as one of your extra-curricular activities, no problemo! (I am soo cheesy :D)

Kimathi

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

Thanks so so very much Ershad. I think i am now satisfied with what I have. In retrospect, my original essay was pretty mundane, predictable and irrelevant. I will address those final two issues of contention though. Finally I can move onto the other essays. :)

Kimathi

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

"Elaborate on an experience in 150 words or less"

Dude the common app short question is: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer). Make sure you list this volunteer work in the common app to make it relevant. :)

Kimathi

Aug 23, 2010

Undergraduate / Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class [18]

he crack in the window of my sixth grade math class always had the suspicious air of a bullet hole.

Absolutely in love with this sentence. :D

The lessons were usually easy and the plastic chairs,~~were~~ usually hard.

I kinda prefer how this sound without the repetition of were. Its just a personal preference though, doesn't add or detract from the essay's structure or message.

The teacher was kind enough not to mind my completion of homework for lesson 3.4-or whichever lesson we happened to be on-before or while he taught ~~lesson 3.4.~~it .

The repetition here is unnecessary and IMO makes the statement less powerful.

I wanted to mention--no one addressed the fact that I started a sentence with "And" in the first paragraph. So I got away with it? Cool

I actually noticed it. :p But I think you can get away with it. (as i just did. hehe!)

And the boy to my right seemed convinced that the best method of entertaining himself ~~must be must~~(huh?) must have been to make me miserable; my physical appearance and nerdy grasp of mathematics were the chief areas of attack.

The year I spent in sixth grade math was the source for one of my defining life lessons-no, not lesson 3.4, but personal value, or valuing the self. After realizing that important "lessons" can abound in unexpected places, I initially grew resentful-if there is such critical knowledge to be amassed in the world, it should not hide; it should yell and flail its arms until it is noticed. I was saved from spiraling into cynicism when the reason wisdom's favorite game is hide-and-seek suddenly struck me: the value of knowledge does not lie in the actual words or witty phrases; it rests in the thought that sweated and toiled to uncover it.

Love it!!

Now that I understand the rules of the game, I eagerly await each new round. I no longer lounge about and expect knowledge to fall into my lap; instead, like a hunter, I analyze the tracks and determine which trail shall lead me to intellectual nourishment. ~~For instance, in search of a greater challenge, in ninth grade I enrolled in a six-week College Algebra class through dual enrollment because it allowed me to take Pre-Calculus in tenth grade.~~ This was especially apparent in the ninth grade when I enrolled in a six-week College Algebra class through dual enrollment. This allowed me to take Pre-Calculus in the tenth grade. I did this because I needed to-I was convinced that without mental stimulation in class I just might perish.

I like the essay as a whole!! Good job! :)

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / CommonAPP short answer - I won the medal in Super Quiz Relay [4]

Consider the following revision to your first paragraph. I can't quite figure it out but there something about the original that seems off. probably the mechanics or something.

I fidgeted anxiously as the announcer read the question. He was barely halfway through when I began to smile; I knew the answer. My correct response elicited animated cheering from my teammates in the crowd. I had just won the Super Quiz Relay medal for my Academic Decathlon team.

Most of all, I love the camaraderie. Although we are different, we are all joined by our passion for learning. When I started out, I looked up to the seniors. Now, as a senior on the A team, mentoring the freshmen, with hope that their AcaDec experience is as incredible as mine, is my most rewarding responsibility.

I like that!!

Overall i think it is an Ok essay. It has the potential to be very good though. Just refine it a bit.

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

If I had to answer some essay prompts, this would be my favorite. It is great to envision your future and make a list of goals you want to accomplish during college in order to maximize your preparedness.

Whereas that would be great, there is 100 word limit! :(( I am seriously getting fed up with all these limits!

I was wondering what MIT is looking for here?

I think to answer this you will need to use the same basis for the "Why is Stanford for you?" question in that you need to relate your ideas, goals, aspirations to the opportunities available at the school. The only difference is that you are comparing your academic vision to the particular program you want to enroll in, not the school as a whole. Addressing the specific reasons why that department is suitable to your interests (much like you did with stanford and sLork). Another major difference is that while our friends over at Stanford gave us 1800 characters with which t answer the question, the MIT adcomm were a bit frugal giving us only 100 words!!! :( *Bashes his head on the keyboard screaming "100 words!!"*

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

When I read this, I thought -- "Why do you want to study engg.? You could have gone for applied chemistry with specific interest in inorganics or polymers."

Thus the engineering idea is absent. You should be able to make that distinction, so that you don't come out sounding like someone who is only interested in chemistry

Duly noted! I actually see what you mean. As it is, it does seem like i am only interested in chemistry. I'll try and work on that in that paragraph. Perhaps I'll build up on:

"Why does one vehicle-light cluster cost higher than another? Can I find some way to produce methacrylate so that even the average father can afford the cars fitted with those which presently ~~only celebrities can afford~~ ?"

<===we don't want to project the image of a vain teenage girl now do we. :) But in the way of a crude example, this is excellent. I will try and further refine it.

Chemical engineers only can make the distinction between the processes, and that distinction will not be governed by chemistry. Chemists cannot do that.
This is why it's so important to distance yourself from a chemist.

I understand the distinction and how important it is to indicate this in my essay. How is this as a revision:

It was during one on my organic chemistry classes that I realized a degree in chemical engineering was the right path for me. I was looking on enviously at the instructor assembling and ultimately using the reflux kit; I had never gotten a chance to use it. I yearned for a practical experience in chemistry that went beyond the qualitative analysis of carbonyl compounds with 2,4-dinitrophenylhydrazine. Moreover, I realized that I needed to be involved with chemistry that transforms abstract concepts into products that are crucial in everyday life. Why does one vehicle-light cluster cost higher than another? Can I find some way to produce methacrylate so that even the average father can afford the cars fitted with those which presently are the preserve of the affluent? How could I optimize the production of wine in such a way as to reduce the amount of waste while not diminishing but instead enhancing the quality of the product? All these thoughts saturated my head, ironically forming a clear image. Applied chemistry within the context of engineering; the fusion of my passion for chemistry and my penchant towards application over abstraction.

Is there any other part of the essay that stands out as inappropriate. Have I adequately explained how Cornell Engineering can help me further explore this interest?

Thanks.

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / survival situations - Short Essay Commonapp [7]

Below is a revised version of the above. i have tried to fix most of your grammar and mechanics issues as wells as introduce a sense of coherence. The organization of the original was a bit lacking. You need to give more example of situations you encountered during the trip and how you gained skills that are essential to life at university.

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]

you should explain a bit about "knocking down challenges left, right and centre" before you introduce the next part

oh, cool! I will try and expound after the entire sentence. that way it wound interfere with the flow...

Oh...by the way, I think it would be a good idea if you use only the American spellings. (I'm referring to "centre" = "center")

Wow. I can't believe that 1 slipped past me. Adapting to a whole new other form of a language has been challenging. You can infer I am accustomed to British English. :) Thanks for pointing that out.

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

I extensively researched on the available fields in chemeng, and throughout this process, it has been pointed out that its applicability is not defined within any one of its constituents boundaries. By this I mean that although I will inevitable have some training in Chemical Engineering Plant Design and hence deal with such issues as the efficiency in production and conservation of energy, my true interest in the discipline is in developing new processes and products and determining the respective usefulness and applicability. This is more typical of a research and development chemical engineer than its is of a plant process engineer. I though that I should communicate this in my essay as you had earlier

Do you have a plan? What is the profession you'd like to join after you graduate?

Also, I am interested in chemical engineering not because of my physics and math background, but because of my chemistry background. Granted I also enjoy Physics and Math, but the main attractive quality is applied chemistry. I thought this will be more useful to me later in life if learnt within the context of engineering as this requires attention not only to the synthesis of the materials/products, but also to the flow and forming processes necessary to create a final

product. (as you had pointed out above).

My current interest are of course subject to change based on what happens in uni though, but that is where I am at the moment.

Conclusion needs some work. What do you want to do when you become an "reputable chemical engineer"?

500 word limit!! I think i'll delete that sentence if it evokes that response. I am already above the limit. :))

Thanks Ershad. I intend to exploit (Negative connotation fully intentional. lol!) all your expertise in the area as I intend to do Chemeng in all unis I'm applying to! :)

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

Thanks for the suggestion. I changed it a little bit to accommodate the word limit:
"Classical music so intensely moves and inspires me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence."

I think that is appropriate. I like what you have now. Do not tinker too much with it anymore. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. :)

I looked at your other threads and saw that you are also applying to Cornell and Princeton. A LOT of competition :]

I know! it feels more of buying a lottery ticket than applying for your future really. Good luck with everything though. :)

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay [10]

No worries. i haven't written in the letter format either. Just make sure you refer directly to your roommate a couple of time and it should be ok. :)

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]

This doesn't fit with the first part of the sentence. When you say "a fighter" you should first explain why you said that. After that only, you can introduce a different characteristic/argument/idea.

I think I qualified the use of the word fighter with the 'knocking down challenges left, right and centre' bit. Isn't is clear enough? The 'coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us.' part is an extended metaphor of the fighter imagery. Think boxing, the fighter recuperating at his corner as he discusses strategy with his manager. I am a bit worried if that didn't come through though. I thought it was a clever metaphor, apparently not. =(

What I mean is, can you write it with the help of an example, and not plainly state it?
The highlighted sentence seems unnecessary.

the two sentences introduce the idea immediately after them, which I think has the example you refer to. I would fortify it further with more examples if it weren't for the character limit.

Thanks for the critique Ershad. I will try and incorporate your feedback as best as I can. :)

Sidebar: Would you review my second draft for my cornell engineering essay. You had critiqued the first draft and I think I tackled most of your observations. :) Thanks.

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "I am a performing Carmen" - Common Application Short Answer Response [4]

Almost absentmindedly

Love the alliteration :p

In that section of metatarsal, r ight between the overlarge bunions that jut out from just under both my biggest and smallest toe, my foot hurts.

I thought the sentence was a bit of a mouthful before adding the comma.

As I apply pressure, the now rock-hard paper-maché - t hat will eventually become soggy and dead and require replacement within a few short weeks-g ives way and I am able to fully flatten the entire bottom of my foot against the inner shank of my shoe.

I think the section I have set apart with the hyphen is nonrestrictive. A nonrestrictive
element supplies material not essential to the sentence and, if removed, will not
change the meaning of the original sentence. You should separate it from the rest of the sentence with commas but you have already used a couple in that sentence. I suggest a complete restructuring of the sentence. Perhaps :

I apply pressure as the now rock-hard paper-maché, that will eventually become soggy, dead and require replacement within a few short weeks, gives way and I am able to fully flatten the entire bottom of my foot against the inner shank of my shoe.

Though i think there is too much going on within this sentence. I'd prefer if you broke it down into smaller parts.

Relief is immediate.

I think this is a fragment. Though i like the effect it gives.

The moment I lift my right foot, the left begins complaining anew; however, I canno t cater to it again.

Sounded like a run on sentence before.

For a minute, perhaps two, I am a dancer.

I like this ending. :)

Your approach to the prompt is indeed unorthodox, but i think it works. you have indeed elaborated on one of your co-curricular activities and as such it is an appropriate response to the prompt. However, it is very risky. Brilliant, but risky. Some AO's will not appreciate the narrative take on the prompt... others will. S it is a game of chance. is it one your willing to take?

Also address the word limit. ( I hate them too. In fact the only reason i haven't done this essay yet is that darn 150 word limit!! :))

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Scholarship / How to start an essay about obstacles in life? [4]

Obstacles don't necessarily have to be huge disabilities you overcame. Think of the simple things in life that prevent it from being perfect ( forgive my insinuating your life isn't perfect :) ). the small pet peeves that you have learned to live with.

There is no ideal essay topic, just an ideal presentation of facts in a way that display mature thought. ( i think)

Hope i helped.

:)

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer) [12]

I think the ending is too blunt.. you bring out a lot of imagery but the ending doesn't seem to flow, in my opinion.

I agree. The preceding text is too descriptive to end do abruptly. Write a more deserving conclusion. Perhaps something along the lines of: Classical music so intensely evokes feelings of inspiration and gratification in me that I regard it as the ultimate form of indulgence. Just a suggestion.

Personally, I think vastly detailed text in a short answer is not a good idea and very difficult to do well. You can make a couple of changes to the ending to make it better if you want to take the risk.

Keep in mind that you can portray a very vivid image in the mind of your reader without having to use large words - as admissions officers say, that is what the SAT verbal section is for.

I think for this short answer in particular, the passion he has demonstrated in the response is very appropriate. It shows that he is not merely writing an answer that the adcomm expects but rather that he is totally passionate about the subject matter. I think it is an excellent response.

As concerns the complexity of his lexicon (lol!! i did that just to spite you :D), i don't think it really matters as long as it sounds authentic and reads naturally (as his does). It is discouraged when people simple use the thesaurus on every other world in a bid to sound intelligent but instead it results in text that sounds disjointed, or worse, they use synonyms that are ambiguous.

I say keep the text, loose the conclusion and write a more appropriate thesis statement. :)

Sidebar: On top of competing with me for a spot in Stanford, you are also competing with me for 1 in MIT???? I do not like you. :)

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay [10]

Are you sure that is not old. i got my from the supplement on the common application for 2010-2011. It reads: 2. VIRTUALLY ALL OF STANFORD'S UNDERGRADUATES LIVE ON CAMPUS. WRITE A NOTE TO YOUR FUTURE ROOMMATE THAT REVEALS SOMETHING ABOUT YOU OR THAT WILL HELP YOUR ROOMMATE - AND US - KNOW YOU BETTER.

The common app supplement is more accurate as that is what you are eventually gonna fill out if you are applying for admission for the class of 2015. they update the supplement every admission cycle. Or at least most of them. :)

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]

Hey, below is my essay for stanford's supplement essay prompt 2. Please critique it and tell me is it is appropriate. Also tell me a section you think it can do without as it is over the character limit: 2138 char while the limit is 1800 char. thanks. :)

It is often thought unusual, the level of intimacy that exists in my family. Going over and above mere cohabitation, the relationship is one characteristic of best friends rather than just family. My mother and sister are my confidants, my personal cheer squad and they form the muse from where I draw my inspiration for life. Perhaps this is the consequence of being a single-parent household, but whatever the reason behind it; my family is the most essential thing in my life.

It is quite ironic that my mother's name is Rose. Far from the delicate flower her name indicates, my mother is a fighter: knocking down challenges left, right and centre; but always coming back to her corner to discuss the next round's strategy with us. Ingrained in us from an early age, are values such as tenacity and amiability. She has demonstrated, quite practicably, that the issues affecting a person should never translate into devalued social interactions. In fact, rarely is the presence of friends as important as it is when one is facing trials. I intend to carry on this attitude within our room. Even when we are up to our knees in assignments and problem-sets, we should still find time to indulge: be it a cup of coffee at CoHo or perhaps even a casual hike up to the dish; we will form each other's support systems.

My sister, Sandra, the reason that the word perfectionist was added into the English language; she always demands the very best from me, shirts: impeccably folded, room: appropriately organized and food: suitably seasoned. Sandra has taught me never to be complacent; often, you can do better. Her high expectation of me has translated to my striving to achieve excellence in all facets of my life. You will therefore notice my constant quest for self-improvement: from matters as trivial as how best to economize on my closet space to more significant issues such as raising my grade point average.

Though my family will be miles away while I am in college, its influence on me transcends distance and is omnipresent. I hope that I can utilize this impact on me positively throughout college and indeed our time together.

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]

Do you know how to pronounce it? I've been wondering...oO

Chinua: Chi (as in Chipmunk) nu (as in greek N) a (as in apple)

Achebe: A (as in apple) che (as in checkers) be (as in Ben)

lol! Hope that helped.

the devastating effects of modernization on society, from Western encroachment on traditional African life to rampant crime and, thus, fear in New York.

Way better that the first!

Western encroachment on traditional African life

try "Western colonization of Africa"??

I hate these word limits!! Sorry.. :)

Kimathi

Aug 22, 2010

Undergraduate / "the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay [10]

(Does it have to be a letter? I don't believe that Stanford required a "letter" for this year. For me, I just wrote an essay. :/ )

Prompt: Virtually... campus. Write a NOTE to your future... better.

Doesn't the 'note' indicate expectation of latter. I mean even if the format is not rigid and within all guidelines of a letter, shouldn't we directly address our future roommate and maybe start with a greeting (doesn't have to be Dear...) and sign off with our names... I mean it is a note after all! i am not sure about this! It's been bothering me! What do you think?

My petite size contrasts with my big dreams.I am a dichotomy who strives for the perfect balance : I am a dreamer yet an activist and fun loving yet focused .(COULD YOU suggest a third contrast??)

This section feels a bit disjointed. The sentences are not meshing well enough together. I suggest you cut out the "I am a dichotomy who strives for the perfect balance : I am a dreamer yet an activist and fun loving yet focused ." and add it in later. Build up on the preceding sentence before introducing a new idea. what big dreams? It seems rushed when you just move onto the next idea.

A "philosophical rainbow", you will perceive me as a happy go-lucky who is always beaming awe as she constantly yearns more to decipher the intricacies of life around her.

After the comma, begin with the pronoun being modified. Currently it reads like the philosophical rainbow is referring to the reader (you). It should read something like:

A "philosophical rainbow", I am a happy go-lucky who is always beaming awe as I constantly yearn more to decipher the intricacies of life around me.

Perhaps opt for a different structure of sentence to make the essay not seem so redundant? Limiting the use of 'I', I also have this problem in my writing. :) I love the idea behind this sentence though!!! :)

that everything is a teacher: from the seemingly worthless garden snail to the local mechanic

I think that since you are introducing examples of the previous statement, a colon would work better.

light rays of sunshine in your life

ride is over

tickle your funny bone

Clichés should be avoided at all costs!

one thing remains certain :that our friendship doesn't.

I seems like you are saying that your friendship will not remain certain. Its a misplaced modifier. try and put the last statement as close as possible to the idea of the 'ride is over'.

I like the idea behind the essay. I just think its organization doesn't do you justice, nether does some issues with the grammar and mechanics. polish those of and it will be a killer essay!! I almost hate you for you will definitely get it. :)

If any of my corrections are incorrect feel free to tell me, i am relatively new to the editing world.

Kimathi

Aug 21, 2010

Undergraduate / Common Application-First Aid: making a difference by joining the medical industry. [10]

If you can express why you choose this over other specializations, it will be impressive. You have lots of choices. Why this one? Go deep in your reading of articles about various specializations, and show that you have done your research.

Hey Kevin, within the 150 word limit, you will have to be an excellent manipulator of language to achieve that without it sounding odd. but that just my opinion. :-)

Kimayu if you can do that though, I think it will make a killer short answer essay. And if you ultimately do, you will have to teach me as well.. :-p

Kimathi

Aug 21, 2010

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement, Short Answer: Past 2 Summers [11]

(manufacturing?)

I think it is manufacture. It should be a nonu. think of CAD (computer aided design)

(how about "discovery of the")

I don't think that will quite fit the bill! I will look for an alternative though.

I think you can say something more meaningful here

Trying (unsuccessfully) to write an appropriate thesis statement. Will keep on think about it.

Thanks man!! you have been extremely helpful!

Kimathi

Aug 21, 2010

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]

Dully noted and incorporated! I think i can now move on to the 10 other essays i have to write.

Thank you all, Karma will kick in and you all be very successful! :D

Kimathi

Aug 19, 2010

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement, Short Answer: Past 2 Summers [11]

I understand why you feel that way. The format i was going for was informational as opposed to narrative. Redundant? Really? Where exactly or is it in a holistic manner?