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Posts by simbamaxxed
Joined: Oct 3, 2010
Last Post: Dec 10, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 59  

From: Zimbabwe

Displayed posts: 64 / page 2 of 2
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simbamaxxed   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Problem of Prejudice" - Common App Essay [7]

Really good job.You managed to highlight a universal problem and how it relates to you personally.It's well written and really gutsy.I like...this could also be a good response to the prompt about diversity,although it's equally fitting under the topic you have chosen.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "An unlikely musician" - extracurricular activities, Commonapp short answer [6]

hie all,thanks for the comments.

@Xinyue,I tried to include other things besides music,but the 150 word limit is a hindrance.The commonapp definetely cuts off any extra text on that section(annoying...),but thanks for your suggestion I'll try and tweak it on some parts.

@Alex I eventually rejoined electronics club at some point...I think...Yes thanks for the analysis.I intend to major in biochem/pre-med with some music on the side,so I tried to reflect both sides.Do you think I should explain why I left electronics for jazz?I'm not sure how to approach it now:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Gustavo,(Forget gentle,I'm cutting to the chase lol!)

Firstly,there is a marginal improvement from the last attempt.One thing I've noticed generally in writing is that the more you try to sound exotic,unique and different,the more cliche the writing becomes.You are right,there will be a quintillion "immigrant" essays dripping with pity and screaming for sympathy,but it's the challenge of a good writer to milk the creativity out of an otherwise tired topic.This is not to say your writing is cliche,I'm just adressing something you mentioned.

-Now to the real business.One thing that is distracting are your references to people and the automatic assumption that the reader is familiar with them and their associated histories i.e.July Garland/Marty Feldman.If the reader is NOT familiar,then you just alienate them for that entire paragraph.Maybe it's because I'm not american,and am therefore culturally out of sync with you,but I would provide some context to make it more understandable.

-If you don't want your writing to sound cliche,then do get rid of cliches in your writing:i.e.
("Top-Notch,larger than life ,being oneself", )You may be forgiven for "light bulb moment."It wasn't a cliche until Oprah made it one.

And then the most cliche of all is your final paragraph.I have definetely heard some or all of these statements many times before:
-He's not pretending to be someone else, and that was the best part of all; he was being himself all along.
-it was because he was so much larger than life that he grew to be much more
And finally...
-Because it is very simple, and helping can make the world a more positive place. Doing so is not the initiative of changing the world; it makes us the change itself.(This is just a condensation of that quote"be the change you want to see in the world" and Michael Jackson's heal the world(sing with me)...make it a better place,for you and for me...etc)I'm sure you see where I'm going with this.

I've been really mean today:)But I think it's beacuse I really like this essay in a paradoxical sort of way.I don't know...
simbamaxxed   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick? [9]

Yvonne,
You have a great vision,but clearly there are some grammar issues:
e.g."(2000 copies per each please", ) -"per each" is redundant.Just write"2000 copies please"
-"To my luck having all this alltogether enables me to merge my many mini "tickings" into a one laud(loud0 song and lull the insatiable monster inside me.'-("To my luck" does not exist .)

-Also,why so much of that foreign language(German?)It's quite distracting.Try to write in english all the way.

Good luck:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

Hey guys...Please critique the last of my chicago essays,it's really urgent!Thanks:)

University of Chicago
Supplemental essay.

"Dog and cat. Coffee and tea .Great Gatsby and Catcher in the Rye. Everyone knows there are two types of people in the world. What are they?"

There are two types of people in the world. Those who thought the world would end in the year 2000 and those who didn't.

It was the year 1999.Apart from being preoccupied with sky-blue Levi's/Guess jeans, mullets, tie and dye shirts and the sitcom "friends", the world was also nervously contemplating the unspeakable. The world, as we knew it, would logically have to come to an end. Two thousand, being the round figure it was, and indeed being divisible exactly by ten (a widely held analysis) was a sure sign that the time had come for us to perish. Dim the lights. Cue the tension music. Thunder and lightning.

So the world was split into two kinds of people .Camp" It's all over!" and camp" We shall live." The two groups had two completely different ideologies. Over on camp "It's all over", speculation was the fuel for the death train. Because death was now imminent, people went to the extremes to squeeze every modicum of worldly pleasure out of the few remaining moments on the planet. Inheritances were cashed and the proceeds pumped into island holidays. More straws were plunged into coconuts than ever before. Precious art was sold for a pittance or even given away." We won't need these we we're going! "I remember my aunt saying of her beautiful granite sculptures. Scores were settled, hatchets were buried and fearsome confessions uttered. It was all over.

Meanwhile on camp" We shall live", the atmosphere was noticeably more relaxed. Until, of course, it was discovered that computers, as we knew them, would go berserk. Experts concluded in no uncertain terms that due to the Dot com /http: serial downgrade|#en source&##Port, it was imperative and urgent that computers be loaded with a cutting edge software to guard against the cyber onslaught of Armageddon.Otherwise, they would have to be thrown away or burnt en masse.Many like myself in Zimbabwe who did not own computers at the time secretly wondered whether our digital watches would succumb to the same fate. We had to wait to wait and see.

On the morning of January 1st, 2000, the sun was shining brightly, the birds were chirping happily and the clouds were as crisp as ever. And umm...No. No we had not died in our sleep and yes, the tedium of Y2K compliance had generally been both futile and unnecessary. Diaphragms worldwide heaved a mighty sigh of relief." It was a miscalculation!" declared the Y2K guys."Oh, sorry, we made a mistake. So the world must end in 2100 then!" the end-of-the -world -guys announced. Both camps were wrong. No need for alarm. Both arguments had fallen flat. There was no winner. It was a stalemate. We could all relax.

So there you have it. There are two types of people in the world, those who thought the world would end in the year 2000 and those who didn't .We all thought one thing or the other: Either death, or life without the PC.Ten years later, we're still around. In the end, I'm glad both groups lived.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 24, 2010
Writing Feedback / "About my flight and hijackers" - Improving on my narrative essay for O levels [3]

Hie Derrick,
From what I remember from my 'O' Level/IGCSE experience,they are looking for a strong command of english and most importantly the good "use of language" as they say.There is little point in critiquing this particular essay because you will not get the same topic in the exam.A general comment would be you write well enough to get a pass grade at your level.I don't know which examining board you are using,but gennerally you will be given marks for content and quality of writing.Make sure you get all the "quality" marks by leaving time to thoroughly proofread your essay for spelling grammar and correct use of language.However to get an A/A* grade,you will need to write a compelling story and use sophisticated vocabulary APPROPRIATELY and answer all your questions in a relevant manner.Good luck!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

Thanks for your comments guys:)I think I misunderstood the topic.It says" there are two types of people in the world,what are THEY?"Is this question asking for my view of the world or is it asking for a personal story?.I took it to mean that I should define people in the world according to their preference of one thing or idea over the other.Is this it or am I lost completely?I need your help!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Let's Crap Detect: Stanford Intellectual Activity Supp [9]

This is great!"I guess I am actually"crap detecting" your essay now...So let's see...Overall it's really great,the writing is very engaging and the whole thing is intelligently written.I actually do think you answered the prompt.A brief discussion at the end about how this skill of crap detection "engaged" you intellectually would help you to answer the prompt absolutely.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Test us??haha i ddnt notice that though.well your essay is approaching perfection,good work.many thanks for excluding the julie garland refs!,i breathed easier on that section.As for the title,im sure you can extract a super catchy title from your very colourful imagination...
simbamaxxed   
Oct 29, 2010
Student Talk / International students - where are you applying? [11]

hie guys!!!im simba. ive been on EF for a while but didnt know about this part of the website!i just wanted to know where fellow intl students are applying?
simbamaxxed   
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "the definition of a workaholic" - Yale Supplemental Essay Advice [7]

Why are you mentioning another acceptance from another college?This makes no sense,if you have been accepted to another college,they might as well reject you since you have a back-up right under your nose.I dont know if you answered the prompt convicingly.The prompt invites you to discuss uniqueness.The fact that you researched college(s) and worked hard in school can be infered from the fact that you are submitting the application.Rather use this opportunity to reveal something about your human side-do you have a hidden talent/unique hobby?do you bake a mean muffin/did you have a ugandan penpal etc... things like that.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 14, 2010
Student Talk / International students - where are you applying? [11]

@kevin-its my pleasure to help out,the EF community is really helpful and I have learnt a lot,so thank you for this great resource!!@vladic,am applying to chicago,oberlin,de pauw,macalester,grinell etc...Im kinda lucky I didnt have to take toefl cos its waived for kids from my country...did good on the SAT.European universities?very interesting!Im applying to one European school as well-Jacobs University Bremen,Germany.Its quite awesome-US curriculum,degree in 33 years +need blind for intls.Thats were I hope to go if not the US.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 14, 2010
Student Talk / Spring Vs. Fall admittance...? [7]

hie goni-you did not mention whether you are an international student or not-from what I know,most students who are offered to start in spring will have applied for fall,but the college will ask them to enroll in the spring semester for some reason.Its very difficult to get financial aid for the jan semester,since they mostly give out their aid in the fall semester.The colleges I know right off the bat to apply for spring are manhattanville college and St johns uni,both NY.Additionally most public unis accept applications for both terms.If you could elaborate on some of your stats and what you look for in a college I could throw in some more relevant suggestions:)
simbamaxxed   
Nov 15, 2010
Undergraduate / I seek truth. My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. [10]

According to you,you were <<thrilled and filled with resounding joy>> at the realisation that the concept of religion was preposterous.That is a very strong and bold assertion to make.Please consider your audience and be very,very wary of their sensibilities.Obviously the reader will try to be objective,but what makes your writing difficult to take seriously is that you have made some sweeping and controversial statements without any solid evidence to back up your claims.This makes you appear a bit linear and single-minded. Lastly,do you think your essay has adressed the demands of the prompt?Have you shown yourself to be a positive-minded person?Is your essay a joy to read?Will it offend someone with a contrary opinion(I found this was the case)You may need to answer these questions honestly before you submit this.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 19, 2010
Undergraduate / 'looking through a window' - my williams supplement "the catcher in the rye." [4]

Ok,this sounds like a rant.Why so much swearing and foul language?This completely ruins an otherwise good essay,and can give them a pretty good reason to reject you.Its not a risk that will pay off.Take OUT ALL the vulgarity and the strength of your writing will come out.I enjoyed reading it,but was just repulsed by seeing a 3 or 4 letter word at every turn.Bad language is invariably always in bad taste and almost always overides the merit of a piece of writing.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Commonapp short answer: leadership activities and volunteer work. [4]

Hie Roman, You seem to be panicking-take it easy.I am not sure which country you are from,but most countries have what is called an educationUSA educational advising centre.When you join(for a small fee)they have counselors to help you with everything in addition to acces to free resources like SAT prep books,a library,internet,workshops etc.Just go online and check if there is an educationUSA advising centre near you. With regard to your question about essays,you seem to have it figured out for the most part.Although for a colleges supplement essay,you must answer the prompt they give.You may devise your own topic for the main commonapp essay,but Not usually for a supplement essay because the prompts are set by the college and are looking to find out whether you are a good fit for that particular school.Hope this helps.
simbamaxxed   
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / UVa - "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" [3]

Thad,
Your essay is very succint and polished.You write very well---although it felt a little too short?I was expecting a little bit more discussion on why you find this music so appealing.Also,the prompt is kind of probing you to reveal some "conflict" that this piece of art may caused you to have,and how this could have resulted in a watershed moment or epiphany on your part?You may want to explore this further.Otherwise,your critical analysis was super;all in all it just needs a little bit more content,explanation and a conclusion that reaffirms why the piece of writing affected you so profoundly.
simbamaxxed   
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "a love for debate" - Stanford Essay: Intellectual Vitality [4]

Your essay needs a focus.Is it about the human brain,your penchant for psychological analysis or debate?Most of it,however,is not about debate-try to focus your essay on one aspect so that the reader does not have to guess what the gist of the essay is.There is a disconnect between the idea of analysing people psychologically and the debate aspect...try to link the two ideas.
simbamaxxed   
Dec 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "Faith (from India)" - UChicago essay_Find x [4]

Abhijit,

You are a very competent and intelligent writer.Your essay reflects clarity,coherence and good use of language.It is very appropriate in that it highlights a conflict that you had about the substace behing religion-a conflict which many people have,and how that led you to evaluate yourself inwardly and come to a sort of a conclusion.I would advise against re-titling the essay "faith" as you are responding to the prompt "Find X".It would also be better if you linked the "find x" theme throughout the whole essay as it kind of seemed as though you "attached" right at the end?

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