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Posts by HarvestBristle
Joined: Oct 5, 2010
Last Post: Nov 27, 2010
Threads: 6
Posts: 11  

From: Puerto Rico

Displayed posts: 17
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HarvestBristle   
Oct 5, 2010
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - Hope in the Streets of Puerto Rico [4]

"I have AIDS... can you help me out?"
These words were uttered to me by a beggar with dilated eyes looking to pay for his prescription at the local pharmacy. He was young and nontheatening, so I happily approached him and offered him a cup of coffee and a listening ear. Limping along, the young teenager, Nestor, followed me to a nearby coffee shop. Tales of death, loneliness, heroin addiction and despair soon followed. It seemed unfathomable that such a young boy, only two years older than me at the time, had experienced what was probably a lifetime of hardships. Things that I had only heard, certainly never encountered. He lifted his jeans, revealing the cause of his limp: an infected, fetid leg caused by his constant injection of heroin.

Try as I may, I am unable to forget this otherworldly and ghastly image; his physical and emotional pain was tangible. His light green eyes evoked nothing more than sadness. A strange uneasiness ensued after my encounter with Nestor, the devastating sight that I beheld first hand that day served as a catalyst for change in my life, something had to be done; like Nestor's festering infection, my newly found passion for aiding these unfortunate people continued to blossom and grow.

A year later, while still engaged in volunteerism, a sense of restlessness took over me. My previous volunteering, while valuable, did not have the impact I had hoped for; it wasn't enough. The only way to satisfy this burning desire to aid the homeless was to take a post-graduate year. College had to wait. I decided that my life here in Puerto Rico would not be complete unless I somehow gave aid to my brothers and sisters suffering in the streets. With Nestor's gloomy glare still fresh in my mind, I contacted Iniciativa Comunitaria ("Community Initiative"), a well-respected, nonprofit organization that shared my goal of giving life necessities to those who had none as well as helping struggling drug addicts get sober.

Though I never saw Nestor again, his memory remains in my mind as I set out on my quest of improving the lives of my fellow Puerto Ricans in the streets. Soon after, I eagerly began handing out plates of hot rice and beans to beggars in the impoverished streets of Viejo San Juan. Amongst these beggars, a frail middle-aged man approached me and impatiently requested food. Since it was clear to me that he hadn't eaten in a long while, I served him two complete plates of rice and beans and wished him luck. As he returned to the street he called a home, he turned to me and bitterly said, "I don't need your pity...".

On my way back home after a long day of serving food to the homeless, I found the same bitter man nibbling on the plate of food I had given him hours earlier. I sat next to him and, though he was apprehensive at first, we began talking. I saw Nestor's sad glance within his eyes; I learned that this man, Rafael, had lived in the streets for nearly ten years after having lost all contact with his family due to his involvement with less than reputable characters in those very same streets. Much like Nestor, Rafael also suffered from incredibly debilitating heroin and cocaine addictions. He continued speaking, decribing his wanting to end his addictions. Recalling the extensive rehabilitation program offered by Iniciativa Comunitaria, I assured him that help was within his grasp.

In the intervening weeks, I befriended Rafael and learned more about his unfortunate life and his great love for his young daughter. Nonetheless, he was still reluctant, even offended by my offer to get sober. I couldn't give up on him, though. I knew that I had the opportunity of changing this man's life. I looked at Rafael's dark eyes, and I let him know that his daughter desperately needs her father back in her life. A lone tear ran down his cheek; however embarrassed he may have been, Rafael smiled. I had finally coerced him to change his life for the better.

Months later, I was reunited with Rafael, a now clean-cut, sober man ready to start his life anew. He had also gotten in contact with his estranged family. Seeing the success obtained by Rafael, I asked myself, did Nestor endure the unfortunate fate that his addiction was undoubtedly going to bring upon him? Did he die of AIDs?

Rafael is one of the few that regain their lives after addiction in Puerto Rico. Knowing that I've helped Rafael improve his life, I can't help but wonder how many other lives I can touch.
HarvestBristle   
Oct 5, 2010
Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - Hope in the Streets of Puerto Rico [4]

thank you so much for those observations, Mark!!
I really worked arduously on this essay and I really hope others will be able to see that.
I'm applying to Columbia ED, by the way
HarvestBristle   
Oct 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "What if i'm not an athlete?"---U of Michigan [7]

Very amusing to read. You need to carefully reread this essay to correct some minor mistakes.

To adequately express my understanding of Olympism and mademake my own contribution to the forum

also, try not using "" too often, they might perceive that as cliche.

goodluck!!!
HarvestBristle   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / (Model United Nations) - CommonApp Short Answer [5]

I'm planning on majoring in International Relations. I'm also applying to Columbia Early Decision

As the Secretary of the Model United Nations Club of Commonwealth High School, I attained substantial knowledge about countries' histories, their policies and how they are organized. By recreating and analyzing global diplomatic situations, I got a taste of the world of international relations and diplomacy. My experience in the Model United Nations Club showed me that dialogue can play a significant role in the development and protection of any country. As an American citizen living in Puerto Rico, I feel both a part of the U.S. and apart from the U.S., which has made me sensitive to the cultural differences between Latin America and the U.S. By applying what I have learned in this club and expanding my knowledge of foreign policy through coursework at college, I hope to ultimately be a leader in fostering better cultural understanding between the countries of our Hemisphere through government service.

I'm from PR, by the way :)
HarvestBristle   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Chased by a dog. College admissions essay. West Chester. [3]

This essay is well written, with a few minor errors

Ex.
I spent the evening like that, basking in my glory, paying no...

Though this is well written, I think you should write about something a bit more impacting that talks about your character, rather than just something that happened to you.

goodluck!!
HarvestBristle   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "international group of respected politicians" - the most appealing about Columbia? [3]

I will be applying to Columbia Early Decision. I'm also planning on majoring in International Relations.

As a young adult seeking to bring about social change through government service, I feel that I need a dynamic college experience. By interacting with influential and knowledgeable people in Columbia's World Leader's Forum, I will have the rare opportunity of learning directly from an international group of respected politicians and social entrepreneurs, which will help develop my leadership abilities. With Columbia's great availability of study-abroad programs, many of which can be designed by undergrad students themselves, I hope to complement my studies of Latin American culture and government with first-hand research in Latin American countries. I also wish to continue my volunteerism upon entering college and will do so through Earl Hall's availability of local civic engagement projects. Since I'm a Hispanic student, I also find it important to have a community of fellow Latinos looking to showcase social and academic contributions made by Latin American and Iberian cultures, which is provided by The Hispanic Institute. I'm also interested in manifesting even my most obscure interests, such as poetry, meditation and photography, and, with the chance of creating my own student-run club at Columbia, I'm sure to be given this opportunity. However, what I find most appealing about Columbia is the wide array of thought-provoking courses led by world-renowned professors. I also very much look forward to taking classes in Columbia's renowned core-curriculum. Learning more about Columbia during my visit in October cemented my desire to attend your university and apply to your institution Early Decision.
HarvestBristle   
Nov 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "Education, school kids, classroom" - issue of importance admission [3]

Very inspirational. However, I think you should develop the topic a bit more. Add some details about how illiteracy has affected society. Also, I think it would be wise if you thoroughly explained what you are planning on doing about illiteracy. I really liked it!

Good luck!!
HarvestBristle   
Nov 13, 2010
Undergraduate / My experience with art and architecture. -UTAustin Admission [3]

"Whenever I have the opportunity to draw, paint, or be creative(;), I always take initiative and like to oversight the project."

"The art courses I have taken have convinced me that I canwill pursue a career in architecture" - this adds a bit more emphasis

I like how you mentioned specific works. The essay progresses well..

Goodluck!!
HarvestBristle   
Nov 20, 2010
Undergraduate / John's Hopkins - Why did you choose your major (Latin American Studies)? [2]

1. Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

As the Secretary of my high school's Model United Nations club, I attained substantial knowledge about countries' histories, their policies and how they are organized. By recreating and analyzing global diplomatic situations, I got a taste of the world of international relations and diplomacy. As an American citizen living in Puerto Rico, I feel both a part of the U.S. and apart from the U.S., which has made me sensitive to the cultural differences between Latin America and the U.S. I'm excited about expanding my knowledge of foreign policy through coursework at college. This is why I've decided to pursue this dynamic field, to ultimately be a leader in fostering better cultural understanding between even the most conflicting nations in our Hemisphere, such as Venezuela and Colombia. With a myriad of thought-provoking courses, JHU provides an ideal place to study Latin American studies. I look forward to taking enticing courses taught in Spanish at JHU, such as NaciĆ³n criolla: cultura y literatura en el siglo XIX, which are sure to bring about stimulating class discussions. With the chance of applying to JHU's Internship/Research Fellowship Program in Latin America, I'll have the opportunity of carrying out my own individual research projects in this region, which will undoubtedly broaden my knowledge of Latin American society and politics. And with the opportunity of applying to the five-year accelerated BA/MA program at the Nitze School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), JHU will provide me with the foundation I seek to become a leading figure in the world of international relations

my essay has a total of 256 words, while the limit is 250. Do you think they would mind?
HarvestBristle   
Nov 20, 2010
Undergraduate / My struggle with my surroundings-Feedback [3]

"There are many significant factors that can affect a person mentally and physically, such as family, friends, community etc."

"My surroundings of my peers and my familysurrounding peers and family have shaped my aspirations and dreams."

You are quite a powerful writer, this essay is written very well other than a few minor mistakes

good luck!!
HarvestBristle   
Nov 20, 2010
Undergraduate / The performing and visual arts - Which extracurriculars will you pursue at JHU? [3]

A Typical student at Johns Hopkins spends less than 15 hours each week in a classroom, leaving lots of time for volunteer opportunities, clubs and organizations, athletics, social events, and other on- and off-campus activities. Aside from the academic interests you've already expressed, in what activities do you plan to engage as an undergraduate at Johns Hopkins?

I feel that I need a dynamic college experience that fits my varied interests. While in high school, I partook in a multitude of theatre productions which have been both challenging and enjoyable and I look forward to continuing this passion for the performing and visual arts through Homewood Art Workshops and participation in the Johns Hopkins Theatre. While at Johns Hopkins, I also hope to further develop my current participation in volunteerism with civic engagement projects at the Center for Social Concern and the Student Outreach Resource Center (SOURCE); this is sure to nurture my ever-present love for community service and helping others in need. I'm currently spending my gap year helping doing what I love, which includes spending a significant amount of time participating in community service and providing first-hand aid to the homeless and drug addicted; I'd love to continue helping the homeless at JHU and ultimately broaden my civic impact to the Baltimore community. I'm also interested in manifesting even my most obscure interests, such as poetry, meditation and photography, and, with the chance of creating my own student-run club at John Hopkins, I'm sure to be given this opportunity. My time away from the classroom and my studies are sure to be filled to the brim with active participation in the great variety of programs and clubs provided at Johns Hopkins.
HarvestBristle   
Nov 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Tradition of excellence: biology, physics, and chemistry" -Columbia University Essay [4]

The thing is, this essay could be used for any other prestigious university (harvard, brown.. etc.) by just changing "Columbia" to the name of any other institution. Though your essay is well written, you should do a little research on Columbia and mention specific things that interest you at Columbia. Mention specific classes and professors, or perhaps a club or organization that you wish to join upon entering Columbia.

goodluck!!
HarvestBristle   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / UC Essay -- I am a runner, track and cross-country [4]

With the exception of summer, it's still dark outside at 5:00, and possibly even cold.
I would recommend eliminating this sentence. It's a bit awkward

I think you should elaborate on your experience running, rather than mention your experience with IB.

Goodluck!!!
check out my essays ;)
HarvestBristle   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Volunteering with the homeless during gap year" : Common App Personal Essay [2]

Prompt: A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Please let me know what you think of my essay. I'm applying to Columbia ED, by the way

"I have AIDS, help me out. Please..."
These words were uttered to me by a beggar with dilated eyes looking to pay for his prescription at the local pharmacy. He was young and nontheatening, so I offered him a cup of coffee and a listening ear. Limping along, Nestor followed me to a coffee shop. Tales of death, loneliness, heroin addiction and despair soon followed. It seemed unfathomable that such a young boy, only two years older than I at the time, had experienced such a lifetime of hardships. He lifted his jeans, revealing the reason for his limp: an infected, fetid leg caused by his constant injection of heroin.

Try as I may, I am unable to forget this ghastly image; Nestor's physical and emotional pain was tangible. His light-green eyes evoked nothing more than sadness. A strange uneasiness ensued after my encounter with Nestor. The devastating sight that I beheld first hand that day served as a catalyst for change in my life. Something had to be done; like Nestor's festering infection, my newly found passion for aiding unfortunate people continued to blossom.

A year later, while still engaged in volunteerism, I was enveloped by a sense of restlessness. My previous volunteering, while valuable, did not have the impact I had hoped. The only way to satisfy this burning desire to aid the homeless was to take a post-graduate year. College had to wait. I decided that my life in Puerto Rico would not be complete unless I gave aid to people suffering in the streets. With Nestor's gloomy glare still in my mind, I contacted Iniciativa Comunitaria ("Community Initiative"), a well-respected, nonprofit organization that shares my goal of giving life necessities to those who have none as well as helping drug addicts get sober.

Though I never saw Nestor again, his memory remains in my mind as I follow my quest of improving the lives of Puerto Ricans in the streets. Soon after, I eagerly began handing out plates of hot rice and beans to beggars through the Iniciativa Comunitaria. Among these beggars was Rafael, a frail middle-aged man.

I sat next to him and, though he was apprehensive at first, we began talking. I saw Nestor's sad glance within his eyes; I learned that this man, Rafael, had lived in the streets for nearly ten years after having lost all contact with his family due to his debilitating heroin and cocaine addictions. Rafael wanted to end his drug problem. Recalling the extensive rehabilitation program offered by Iniciativa Comunitaria, I assured him that help was within his grasp.

In the intervening weeks, I befriended Rafael and learned about his great love for his daughter. Nonetheless, he was still reluctant to get sober. I couldn't give up on him. I looked at Rafael's dark eyes, and I let him know that his daughter desperately needed her father back. A lone tear ran down his cheek. However embarrassed he may have been, Rafael smiled. I had finally motivated him to change his life for the better.

Months later, I was reunited with Rafael, a now rehabilitated, sober man ready to start his life anew. He had finally gotten in contact with his estranged family. Seeing the success obtained by Rafael, I could only think back to Nestor and hope that he too conquered his addictions.

Though Rafael's success gave me hope for Nestor, I'm not naïve. Most drug addicted beggars are unlike Rafael: they don't free themselves of the debilitating prison that is addiction. However, Rafael's fate gives me hope that I can help others rid themselves of addiction. I've already touched one person's life, so my gap year has already been a success, yet I can't help but wonder how many others I will be able to help. I will continue to work with Iniciativa Comunitaria until I reach college, and once there I hope to join an organization committed to helping the homeless and the drug addicted or perhaps start my own organization dedicated helping those like Rafael and Nestor - people who want our assitance, but may not know that a helping hand is well within reach.
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