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Posts by jemeshay
Joined: Jan 4, 2011
Last Post: Jan 5, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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jemeshay   
Jan 5, 2011
Scholarship / "A leader must have courage, credibility, and innovation" [6]

This sounds really really good. You really exemplified what a leader should be!

To me, this sentence doesn't serve a purpose or maybe you should clarify it more.
There are also those who do.
This is a very confusing sentence for me.
And I also think you should make the essay more relative to you and some leadership qualities you possess.
jemeshay   
Jan 5, 2011
Scholarship / Finance Major + a Chartered Financial Analyst (short/long term goals) Gates 4 Mill [3]

4. Discuss your short and long-term goals. Are some of them related? Which are priorities?
Growing up in an economy that constantly fluctuating its balance of progress and downturns, I have always aspired to be in the corporate world. Relieving my skills of development, success and stability, I plan to become a business executive one day afar. Spending countless hours in an office to ensure the success of my company, I intend to expand a product corporation that will go beyond the leverage of accomplishment.

Currently, my short term goals are to take flight as a Finance Major student at Brandeis University. I was awarded a great opportunity with the Posse Foundation of Atlanta to receive a full tuition scholarship to Brandeis University. There, I know I can receive quality skills in Business, as I make boundless efforts to become a Corporate Financer. I also want to take the opportunity to join their graduate program and get my Master degree of Business and Administration. Since this is a demanding yet satisfying field, I can provide the natural born skills of numbers that I have always had within me.

Around the time I was in 3rd grade when I was surpassing with my math classes, I realize that I had a passion for numbers and working in groups. So I figured what other job field can I develop my new found skills? Business! The exciting field of equations and logic has excited me since the time I conquered fractions. I am certain Business will be my greatest escape into world that will be so enticing for me.

Needless to say, while in college, I understand there will be a lot of distractions, many of which will happen suddenly and carelessly. Thus I have decided that my first priorities will be to achieving my goals and making sure I will stay on track to achieving them. So if that mean missing a couple of parties for study time, tutorials or even rest to conserve energy for work, I will make that sacrifice. I plan to be all I can be and none the less.

After completing college in both undergraduate and graduate programs at Brandeis, I plan to get my certification as a Chartered Financial Analyst (CFA).With completing multiple internships in college, I hope to have a quality resume and pursue my destined career as a Corporate Financer.
jemeshay   
Jan 5, 2011
Scholarship / "to be independent, be happy, and give back" -about my struggles and goals in life [2]

My personal goal in life is to be successful, independent, and happy. I want to give back to my parents and community. My educational goal in life is to either have a career as a pharmacist or physician's assistant.

I believe for this essay you should pick one career and stick with it to make it easier.

Challenges that I have faced that helped shape these goals are my parents. They are rather motivation than challenge because they make me want to strive harder than what they had and attend college. Also seeing how my sister has to work two jobs right now to save up to move outlive on her own.

Her struggling efforts to live on her own teaches me how the career choice I make will affect the way I will live one day. I know that going to college while getting a better education and persuing my goals will ensure me a stable job. Opportunities that my parents had to miss out on like family vacations or simple offers of having a day off, they couldn't take because of my family financial obligations to bills and what we need.

on her own shows the career choice you make affects you and I don't want to work two jobs when I can get a better education and get one stable job. Another is my parent's low income hindered their outside activities like taking family vacations, instead they are working overtime.

These challenges were hard to deal with because while kids my age were going on vacations, I was at home either reading or watching television. I barely got to see my parents. I had a hard time bonding with them because they neglected methey were to occupied or busy for me.

andI had to grow up alone at a small age.and I felt neglected at a young age.

For instance, my parents left me and my little brother home alone while they were away at work. My dad worked at a restaurant and would not be home till 11pm. My mom worked a second job and would not be home till 10pm. IAlthough I commend them for trying to provide for us but<<OUT ,the emotional attentiveness was not there and it affected my relationships with friends and guys. I would never get to close to a person to the point where I can tell him or her everything. Also I try not to show my emotions to much because it shows a sign of weakness from the neglect of my parents.regular absense of my parents.

Now that I am older, I realize that my parents had their reasons and that I have to accept the fact that we have a different cultures from people where it is work hard to provide family then fun with the family. I come to realize that I am being selfish now that I am older and that they work less to not try and build relationship with them. So now whenever my mom wants to go to the mall of grocery store I go with her to help her and keep her company.My family worked hard to persue the American Dream, however in the process they forgot to emotionally support me. Although I don't try to fault them for the many selfish qualities I have now, my parents do try to recover from them days they couldn't give me the full parental support. And even though it seems a littlle late for their help now, I still appreciate their concern.

This is a very good and personal essay. However, for this particular essay you should relate your experience more with you goal in the closing and also give more details on both your academic goals. Also when you are about to talk about something, dont give it a introductory phrase meaning:

If the prompt ask you what are the challenges you face, don't start off with...The challenges I face.
Try to make your essay as cohesive as possible. Make it flow! Also try not to write like you speak and watch for run on sentences when you are writing.

Other than that I love the way you didn't hold back on your story and the way you are showing the scholarship foundation that you are applying who you are. Good Luck!
jemeshay   
Jan 5, 2011
Undergraduate / "Born in Russia, I live in US" I can contribute to the diversity of the University by [3]

I agree with Wendy (wnSF), I believe you should give more insight into the culture of Russia, meaning not only just the obvious differences like food, church, dances and arts, but things like well Russians probably only go to church once a month ( I really dont know, its just an example) or for some odd reason many families wear the color blue on tuesdays ( Again I don't know , its just an example.) But I really think you should give a little more intresting facts.

Other than that, this paper was really good and your experience sound awesome. And I like that fact you show how diverse you are to the college. Colleges really like people like that!
jemeshay   
Jan 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "A huge tomboy" + "Guilty pleasures" + "Involved person" - Bucknell 3 things [2]

Each one of the essays are well thought out and likable. You use a comfortable tone to entice your audience with. I notice that in each paragraph you are suppose to say why you are a good canidate for Bucknell, but in the second paragraph you didn't mention why you would offer to Bucknell. Other than that, if that is a issue, I have no more corrections. I really enjoyed reading these essays, especially the first one, you had a really great ending.
jemeshay   
Jan 4, 2011
Scholarship / "student making an A with half of the class failing" English: subject i excelled in [6]

You have alot of small spelling errors and thats pretty much it.
I think you should say,
As I sit in a class of 31 people and the only foreign raised student making an A with half of the class

Oh yeah, this is a great essay and I am glad you were able to master English as well as you did. Good Luck!!
jemeshay   
Jan 4, 2011
Undergraduate / The Advanced Placement Literature class: subjects have I had the most difficulty in? [2]

Discuss the subjects with which you had difficulty. What factors do you believe contributed to your difficulties? How have you dealt with them so they will not cause problems for you again? In what areas have you experienced the greatest improvement? What problem areas remain?

When I was 5 years old, I always had trouble with sounding out syllables correctly. When I was 9 years old, I could never seem to know where to place question and quotation marks. When I was 13, I could never phrase my wording of sentences so that it could flow. And now I am 18 and still possess some of these same flaws of English. In my opinion, I never been strong at English and it have always been my weakest subject. However; it has never hindered me form learning and developing better English skills. So I decided in my junior year of high school that I would take an Advance Placement English class to improve both my writing and grammar skills.

When I first entered the Advanced Placement Literature class, I was terrified at the thought of being challenged with new materials. When my teacher first reviewed the course syllables, my immediate thought was to get a schedule change but I said that I would stick with the class. Regularly, my teacher would give assignments such as poem analysis and responses, extensive essays and even book reviews. I was so confused because I never had work hard in any English class before. The many broken English and wild allusion literature had, I assumed all of my course work was going to be difficult. But as the weeks went by, I started getting a vivid understanding of English and learning that it is nothing more than a person perception of a situation, which is written in correct framer. I started realizing literature in a whole another outlook and as my teacher would say, "I begin to put on different lenses of ideas."

No longer did I have a fear for reading on new authors, since I knew how to find the authors intentions for their audience. Slowly, I was understanding literature in a way that English was interesting to me. I started to enjoy the thrill of meeting new characters in a story of play and creating my own literature. Once, my teacher asked my class to make a Shakespearean sonnet and I was full of excitement when I wrote mines on the unending story of the hardships of love. Presumably, I had so much fun on reciting my poem the next day in class.
jemeshay   
Jan 4, 2011
Undergraduate / Georgetown: What are your influences for studying business? [5]

This short essay is very well written and though out. You are also coming in with a mission and you give your reason for that mission.

(This is an optional suggestion, you really don't need it, but it could be good with the essay.) I think you should say something about their top ranked staff and how they could aid you to getting a great undergrad degree.
jemeshay   
Jan 4, 2011
Scholarship / "Growing up math" - Gates Millennum - Subject you had difficulty in [7]

I believe you could use better terminology. For instance, instead of using the word dumb, use incompetent or ignorant or even oblivious to the subject at hand . Also instead of using "pick on me" try "ridicule me ".

I also think you should tell the time period in which you had the difficulty with math. Also you could expound more on how or what your teacher did to help you in tutorial. And don't end you essay off so abruptly.

My test scores began to improve and I was no longer failing, in fact I began to have the highest test scores in my class. I begin mastering concepts so quickly that sometimes my teacher would have tell me to keep a steady pace with the class. Howe ver, I still have a slight difficulty when it comes to word problems but I no longer let it get the best of me. I have learn that in order to overcome a problem, first I have to understand my weakness and thats what I did with math. For the simple fact, I was able to relieve myself of stress and difficulties with test taking and my peers, I was able to join tutorial classes and become more efficient in math and take the proper steps to staying efficient in this subject. I have learned that not only skills and assistance was my key to progress but also determination and confidence vital asset as we ll.
jemeshay   
Jan 4, 2011
Scholarship / "the experience of applying numbers to solve problems" subjects have you excelled in? [2]

What subjects have you excelled in? What contributed to those factors of you excelling?

Every day I go to school I look forward going to Math class because I love the experience of applying numbers to solve problems. I love watching how one simple equation can be solved with so many numbers. My favorite subject of math always seems to be Implicit Differentiation. I love going through the motions of every step, considering the fact that would have apply multiple rules to reach a solution, I enjoy evolving an answer out of an equation. My teacher Ms. Yasin is always there to correct me if I'm wrong, however, most of the time I am always right. She says she always favored my enthusiasm for this subject instead of my peers because of simple gestures like always raising my hand first or asking a thousand questions for one problem. Many time my teacher ask me why do I love math so much, and most of the time I can't explain, I just believe math comes natural to me.

Ever since I was a young girl, my favorite subject has been math, even when I went through my hardest subject of math, fractions. It was 3rd grade in Ms. Simpson class. I couldn't understand the concept of fractions. And usually I can grasp a subject as quick as anyone in the class. But this subject in particular was so confusing because of how it had one number on top of a line and one on the bottom. So one day my teacher and I decided to create a game called, "Match me up' where I would find a common denominator of each number and use common factors to replace larger numbers. At first I was catching on slowly, but after a couple of exercises with the game, I became a fraction whiz. I started knowing how to do everything with fractions. I knew how to multiply, divide, add, subtract and even convert fractions into percent's. After while people begin depending on my assistance for math and I became the best math student in the class and received the Best Student Award in math for 3rd grade. My interest in math continued to follow me through the rest of my elementary and junior high school years, where I was able to receive the Best Student Award in math.

Currently, I hold the highest average in my math class because of my overwhelming nature of math. All of the math teachers I have had in my life show the same responsive and exciting teaching styles that keep me craving for more math. I believe the blend of the great teachers I've had and my nature of loving math, has always allowed me to excel in every math class I have had. And every day I plan to remain to keep the same focus and striving spirit for math.
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