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Posts by chxz1020
Joined: Aug 28, 2011
Last Post: Sep 6, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 14  


Displayed posts: 19
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chxz1020   
Sep 4, 2011
Writing Feedback / Sports and social activities can offer the same significant things that classes and libraries offer [5]

Agree or disagree:At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

The debate about the importance of sports and social activites in students' lives has been continuing for a long time.While many universities and colleges are raising funds for many kinds of curriculums, some people think that sports and social activities are equally important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support. It is not surprising because activities do offer students a lot of advantages that are as important as those offered by classes and libraries.

First, activites let students make more friends. In classes, students spend most time listening to the professor. They don't have much talk with each other, so they are not likely to develop good friendship. In activities, however, students do all the things together, so it is a great opportunity to get familiar with each other and eventually, become great friends. Moreover, activies like football and basketball require team work. Then students who take part in these activities will learn the significance of collaboration. Just like the precious knowledge that students learn from classes, friendship and collaboration can guarantee students a bright future.

Second, activities expand students' experience. Before students enter into the society, they have been studying for 16 years but still lack of experience on things that are not associated with study. For example, most students don't know how to persuade customers to buy their products. However, if they took part in social activities, they would know some skills on talking and making good first appearance. Then they would learn part of the art of persuasion from their experiences. Most people spend their lives working with other people, so it is very important to learn the art of communication with people as early as possible. Classes provide students the opportunity to understand the world through books, however, social activities let students know the world better through valuable experiences.

Since sports and social activities can offer the same significant things that classes and libraries offer, both of them should be paid equal attention and receive equal financial support..
chxz1020   
Sep 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "passion for science and math" - Describe the world you come from [4]

I think your story is fantastic, but you didn't write how your experience shaped who you are now. You should inform the reader what you gained from the experience, otherwise I don't know what the main point of your essay. If you add what you had learnt from your experience, I think your essay will be outstanding.
chxz1020   
Sep 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "to become a successful accountant" - Bentley Supplement [5]

I think you essay is too general. You should give some specific examples to make the essay more attractive, like in what way your mother influenced you? what impact did the friend had? How did this impact influenced his future development? In your essay, now I can almost see nothing, just common description. It can neither show your accounting ability nor the significant influence of your family and friends. I think you should really make it specific and add more details. But it's up to you~~
chxz1020   
Aug 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Technology inspires children's creativity instead of weakening it. [6]

Agree or disagree:Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past.

Technology accelerates human's evolving pace. With advanced technology, many things that seemed impossible in the past, have become realities. For example, people in the past never dreamed of talking to anyone whenever they wanted or see someone overseas on a computer screen, both of these can be achieved with cellphone and internet. However, some people point that technology has made children less creative. I don't deny that technology may have some negative effects on children, but I think technology makes children even more creative.

First, technology inspires children to create new things. Children are curious about everything around them, so when they come across a high-tech product like a cellphone, they will be obsessed with its mysterious functions and eager to know how it works. For example, Bill Gates was attracted by the original huge computer, then he did everything he could to understand how it worked. After he had figured out all the stuff, he then began to promote the computer. In the end, he successfully invented a computer that was easy to use and lightweight. Therefore, instead of interfering children's creativity, technology actually encourages children to learn and to create.

Second, technology widen children's knowledge. In the past, children were only able to see things from one perspective. However, with highly advanced technology, chikdren are able to get information from foreign countries and even communicate with foreign friends. Therefore, they will be able to learn about different cultures and different ways of thinking. Knowledge is the base of creativity. The diverse knowledge that children gained from different parts of the world, inspires children and encourage them to create new things.

Admittedly, technology may have negative effects on children. Technology has made life too easy for most children. In comfortable conditions, children may be satisfied with the world around them and refuse to make a change. Nonetheless, with the development of technology, increasingly more young people become obessed with high-tech products. They kept researching new technology and became successful at a very young age.

All in all, in general, technology inspires children's creativity instead of weakening it.
chxz1020   
Aug 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / Books have a greater impact on society than TV ( Toefl essay) [2]

I think TV has some advantages over books as well. In TOEFL, it is better to reason both sides. I suggest you add another paragraph about TV's advantages, and say that these advantages still can't overpower books' advantages. Then your essay will be more persuasive and comprehensive.Now it's a little bit subjective.
chxz1020   
Aug 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / What will happen in twenty years? Number of cars are more likely to reduce [NEW]

Agree or disagree:In twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

In modern society, cars enable people to travel easier and faster. However, as the number of owners of cars increases, many problems associated with cars start revealing. Among them, serious pollution and heavy traffic are the two most prevalent problems.

Cars cause serious pollution to the environment. Cars need to gain energy from fuel. The amount of fuel is limited on earth and it requires a lot of machines and energy to dig the fuel underground. Both the harmful gases released from the machines and the damage of the ground surface can harm the natural environment.Cars themselves also release gases that can pollute the air seriously,especially in the cities where fewer trees or other plants grow. Thus, cars can seriously pollute the air.

Cars are responsible for the heavy traffic across the world. In the past, there was less heavy traffic and people who had cars can enjoy great convenience and efficiency. Nonetheless, as time goes by, increasingly more cars appear on the streets and have already caused serious traffic problem in populous areas all over the world. The streets were designed decades ago for relatively small amount of cars. The number of cars go up while the streets structures remain the same, so the problems start and still have not been solved. Some people might suggest build an entirely new street system to fit the current situation, but it will lead to heavier traffic if the government shut some roads down.

Despite the problems that cars caused, car actually benefit people a lot. Cars let people to go farther places quicker and don't need to worry about the time like when people take the subway,or the distance like people go on foot. Nevertheless, since the traffic is so heavy, people can no longer experience the great convenience the cars originally provided. When think of the future of the children, most people tend to want to give their children a clean environment, so they may stop using cars.

Therefore, on the general scale, the number of cars are more likely to reduce in twenty years.
chxz1020   
Aug 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'hard work works always' - When people succeed, it is because of hard work [3]

For TOEFL right?Your essay is a little short.If you want to get high level in the test,you need 300 words at least.

Paragraph 1:inform the reader the relationships between hard work and success,and don't deny that luck contribute to success.

Paragraph 2:hard work enables people to obtain knowledge to success.For example,Marie Curie or other famous people who are knowledgeable.

Paragraph 3:hard work let people learn valuable qualities(never give up,creativity,leadership,collaboration) that can make them successful.For example,Edison learnt to never give up/Cameron learnt how to lead the whole crew to make a classic movie...

Paragraph 4:luck contribute to success as well.For example,Anne Hathaway was chosen by accident,or Galileo observe the pendulum accidentally and discovered the true theory of Free Fall...

Paragraph 5:generally repeat Paragraph 1
chxz1020   
Aug 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "caring mother and a Good Samaritan" - significant experience, achievement, risk [2]

I'm really impressed by your experiences.But you address your experiences too objectively.I think most people want to see something personal,something subjective in you essay.You says a lot about what you have done and experienced,but you rarely tell the reader how you felt.Like when you educated the children,how did you feel,proud?because of what?And when you went to live with your foster parents,how did you feel at first,miserable probably,and then what made you gradually turned to love your new life with new people?I'm just guessing but what I want to say is that it's better to conclude more details and personal stuff in you essay.
chxz1020   
Aug 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / TOEFL-The best way to learn about a foreign country...... [2]

Agree or disagree:The best way to learn about a foreign country is reading newspapers and magazines.

In modern society, it is necessary for people to learn about foreign contries, because knowing other countries which are not people's hometowns widen their knowledge.However,the methods of learning are totally different. Some people might say that reading newspapers and magazines is the best way, but I disagree. In my perspective,the best ways to learn about a foreign country are traveling and watching its native movies.

Traveling to a foreign country provides people a great opportunity to experience the country in person.Take me as an example.I wanted to learn about Australia,so I traveled there when I was 11 and personally experienced its unique culture and Australians' relaxing lifestyle.All the Australians love oceans.They do many kinds of water sports, such as:swimming,surfing,and skateboarding. I'd love to call it an ocean country.In addition,few Australians seem to be suffering from too much pressure unlike in some developing countries where almost everyone,from teenagers to old people,is enduring unending stress.The Australians go to work at 9 in the morning and go home at 4 in the afternoon.Once the time is up,they refuse to work for 1 second longer,no matter how important their work is."It's already 4,I need to go.Everything must wait till tomorrow", a native salesgirl said to me when I asked her to sell me one more ice cream at 4:01. It's unbelievable to me,but makes me more interested in this distant country.Through my trip to Australia,I knew Australia's special affinity with the sea and the unique Australian relaxing lifestyle which I rarely saw.

Local movies enable foreigners to understand local people's habits, behavior, and moral values. My geography teacher said a lot of fantastic story about India and I began to watch Indian movies to know something about it. For example, by watching the movie "Bride and Prejudice", I became aware of the changing face of India.In the movie, girls despise arrogant Americans and are eager to find their true love instead of the so-called Mr.right. I used to think that women have no freedom in India.Through the movie, I acknowledged that Indian women were, in fact, independent and smart and India is changing rapidly through time. If I had never watched that Indian movie, I would never have known new Indian values so deeply.By watching local movies,foreigners change their original thoughts and became much more curious about the foreign countries.

Traveling and watching movies are better ways to learn about a foreign country than reading newspapers and magazines.By those two ways, foreigners are able to know a country deeply and completely.
chxz1020   
Aug 28, 2011
Undergraduate / (to strive for a meaningful career) - where you come from my UC [4]

I think this is an excellent essay.You focus on the impact of your parents' divorce on you,and you clearly describe the valuable qualities that you gained from your experiences.In this essay,I can see a real person.And I'm sure the admission officers will,too.But I think the essay is a little bit long.I'm not sure but I think UC's limitation of words is less than 500,so maybe you need to shorten your essay.I suggest you to cut some sentences in the first 2 paragraphs,especially the first one,it does not directly associate with your family issues.
chxz1020   
Aug 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / "Family's annual Christmas tree" - narrative or descriptive essay [4]

Hi.I think it's a descriptive essay.Although it does say something about the family celebrating Christmas,it focus on describing the Christmas atmosphere.It doesn't conclude specific story,in my opinion,narrative essay should conclude the cause,the process,and the end of a story.Since it only conclude the process,I think it's better to define it as descriptive essay.But it's just my idea,for your consideration~~~
chxz1020   
Aug 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "It's a girl" - Tell about yourself (University of California) [2]

I think in this essay,the universiity wants to know who you really are,your most amazing character.You stressed your family influence,your life and your hobbies.However,in the words limitations,you only described these in general.But university wants to see more details.I suggest you choose one aspect from the 3 topics above and use specific examples to fully explain one.
chxz1020   
Aug 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree :People will spend less time on cooking in the future.(for TOEFL) [4]

If we take a look at the human history, we will find out that humans started cooking millions of years ago.At first,cooking was only for survival. Nonetheless, as time went by, cooking transformed into a kind of art. Outstanding cooks are willing to devote their lives to cooking now and then. However, things are different among ordinary people. In modern society, most people are too busy to cook. I think people will spend less time on cooking in the future for 2 reasons.

The first reason is that fast food restaurants can provide people with quick meals. Nowadays, many white-collar worker only have one hour to have lunch during weeks days, so it is impossible for them to go home and cook their for themselves. Therefore, most people go to fast food restaurant like KFC and Subway to buy quick meals. This kind of restaurants can be seen almost everywhere and it is very convenient for busy workers. In the future, fast food will be even more popular than right now, because with the rapid development of the society, people will have more competitions and suffer from much more pressure. Therefore, people will need to spend as much time as they can on their careers and save time by eating fast food. As a result, the time that was supposed to spend on cooking will be spent on job. Besides, fast food provide people enough energy and there is no need for people to cook.

The second reason is that cooking machines are improving,and in the future, cooking machines will be able to cook on their own and people only need to put in the ingredients and press the button.My mother has a porridge machine that can cook different kinds of porridges.Whenever my mother wants to cook us porridge, she only needs to put in rice, water and other ingredients,and press the button to choose which kind of the porridges does she want,and then she is free to do anything.The machine will cook on its own and turn itself off when the porridge is done. Before we bought the machine,my mother used to spend hours to make one pot of porridge because she worried that it might go wrong or cause fire. With the machine's help, porridges are extreme easy to make and my mother spends less time on cooking since then.Therefore, with updated cooking machine, people will spend less time on cooking.

Fast food prevalence and cooking machines' development make people spend less time on cooking.In the future, people are going to spend more time on more important things and trivial things like cooking meals on their own will take less time.
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