Undergraduate / "I grew". I always needed to take a deep breathe to enter my school's entrance [2]

First, I'll separate this into its paragraphs for clarity...

Until the age of thirteen, I was educated in a small town in southern China. Under the Chinese government's Educational-Focus policy, rules were strictly enforced in both school and everyday life to maintain the government's standard form of social value and morality. Expressions of different opinions rarely appeared, because often time these opinions were considered immoral or revolutionary by the government.

Undergraduate / Essay on Contribution to hometown (Wesleyan education) [3]

I made some changes to improve the style, and perhaps you can even improve your (English) writing skills by applying the changes I made. Congratulations for being able to write English so well; the changes I made were minor.

Good luck!

Today's global environment makes it necessary to have worldwide knowledge, rather than focusing only on domestic conditions. Therefore, studying abroad provides a golden key to open the door to human intellect and the real world. The United States is undoubtedly the most desirable destination because of its unique liberal art colleges that provide vibrant education environment.

Undergraduate / "dreamed of becoming a singer" - UC personal statement - prompt #1 [2]

Hello,

I would like to see if you can express the idea that BEING AN ENGLISH TEACHER would fulfill that same need for self-expression that makes you want to be a singer. English teachers celebrate language, and language is music. Can you add a sentence to express the idea that being a teacher is quite a lot like being a singer?

Even though English is your second language, you can write more beautifully than people who grew up speaking English if you write with a feeling of rhythm. Like singing.

Great job! You write better than many native speakers of English! Good luck,

Kevin

Undergraduate / I just don't know how to structure the essay about the world I come from! [3]

Have you ever seen abstract paintings that are made by tossing splotches of paint onto a giant canvas? Toss a few splotches of paint onto a blank canvas, and you will already see it taking form as a meaningful image -- with unique structure.

When you posted this request for help, you wrote a little essay. You stated your main point: I have tried for weeks to write my essay... and then you explained it in two more sentences.

So, what is this thought in the back of your mind... this idea that you know you want to write about? Can you say it in a single sentence? If so, you can type it and then explain it with a few more sentences. This is the first splotch of paint.

Can you CAPTURE "the world you come from" in a single sentence?" Maybe you can capture it in a single word! What word or phrase captures the experience you have had as you grew up? Can you write a single paragraph about it?

If your life was made into a movie, would it be a comedy or a tragedy? Would it be an action adventure film?

Structuring the essay will be easy after you write a single paragraph. The first paragraph will lead you to a second paragraph, and possibly a story. At the end, go back and tack a great opening paragraph onto the beginning, and then restate that paragraph at the end.

The structure goes like this:

Opening paragraph captures the truth of your life.

Second paragraph introduces the story of a special experience that demonstrates that truth.

Third paragraph includes thoughtful reflection on the story and on the truth about which you are writing.

Fourth paragraph restates that deep truth that your live has taught you, and you give it closure with a few thoughtful sentences.

That structure above is not necessary. Art has no rules. However, if you really need some structure to follow, use that form above.
Good luck!!!
Kevin

Essays / Hi I need some help writing a Chronicles of Narnia Essay [2]

Greetings,

Your thesis statement is great for capturing the essence of what the series is about. However, in order to write a strong essay you should try to say something original about the series. Can you think of some profound insight that you had while reading it? Did you discover something about Lewis's deepest values and beliefs that other readers might not have noticed? In order to write a truly meaningful paper, you should try to make the reader realize something that s/he did not already know about the series.

Thus, you might want to read some other articles that have been written about the series. See what other writers have argued as their thesis statements, and you will suddenly discover that you have a real opinion about what Lewis meant, why he made decisions that he made, and so forth. To make you suddenly have a great idea about this series is the purpose of the assignment, and when you do suddenly have a great idea about it the essay will practically write itself:

So, try following these steps:

1. Read 3 articles that other people wrote about the series.

2. Write a paragraph for each article, so that you use one paragraph to explain the thesis statements of each of the three writers.

3. Write one more paragraph to compare the three articles about the series.

By that time, you will have more than a page written, and you will be able to see a theme developing in the paper already. Add some quotations from the series in order to support the argument you make.

You might find yourself arguing that C.S. Lewis has a hidden theme that is not so obvious, not so simple.

The answer to your question about "what to write about" will come from your mind. It will be like a chemical reaction that happens when you write a paragraph about three articles that other people have written about the series. At the end, you might find yourself with a whole new thesis statement; I always write the thesis statement last!

At the end of the paper, conclude with a paragraph that is like restating the introductory paragraph in different words. You will have written a paper that could only come as a chemical reaction between Lewis, the three other writers, and you.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "My experience in Mexico" - UC Prompt # 2 [2]

I have very few suggestions to make for improving this great essay. I think the reader will enjoy it and know that you are a good writer with valuable life experiences. Here are my two suggestions:

It then struck me that this was life for these people.

I am home now. I just came in from jogging at 1:30 in the morning in the chilly, foggy streets of Walnut Creek, California.

Good luck in school,

Kevin

Undergraduate / "the most inexpensive happiness" - commonapp essay [4]

Wow, great essay. You kept the image of the fish there throughout the essay after introducing them to the reader. I am impressed with your deep reflection. I want to tell you one important thing: I think that the plural of "carp" is just "carp," with no s on the end.

Undergraduate / Life in Vacaville / ILAC - UC statements 1 and 2 [3]

These do not need much revision, but I'll contribute my thoughts below...

ESSAY 1:

Vacaville is in California, right? Maybe you should change the opening line to: Vacaville, California.

Consider adding the word "however," like this: As much as I hate to admit it, however, this town, my school, and those around me have greatly influenced my life.

Use a comma to separate the compound sentence: Baseball was my favorite pastime, but it wasn't going to be my career.

I have learned that a person's interests and passions are what make him or her unique.

ESSAY 2:

Use a comma after the word "demeanor," because the comma is necessary to separate the two halves of a compound sentence.

Here is a run-on sentence: "To put it simply, the week was amazing, I was given the opportunity of leadership and it would be all in my hands to make it happen." You can fix it by putting a period or semi-colon after "amazing." Also, use a comma after "leadership."

You wrote: "I was essentially their guardian for the week and they looked up to me and trusted me as a leader." Use a comma after the word "week."

I believe that being a camp counselor...

...and all of the engineers with whom I have spoken emphasized...

Nice closing sentence!
Great job, good luck in school!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt # 1 -- "The taxi" [2]

Hi Torrence,

Nice job. This is a great story, and I like the image of the taxi. The single-word title, "Taxi," is interesting.

1. I wonder if the reader's attention would by guided better if you changed the opening line to: "Goodbye, Shirish." (Instead of, "Goodbye Torrence.")

2. You wrote: "Shirish had been his best friend also and together, the three of us were inseparable."

For this sentence, you might want to make it clearer using the commas differently and writing, "Shirish was a best friend of his as well, and together the three of us had been inseparable."

3. One sentence is written, "He was too," and I think you should change it to, "He was surprised, too."

4. Instead of, "But it came, and he went," you can write, "Morning did come, though, and Patrick was the next friend to leave."

5. "The world I live in is dynamic and I cannot control it." Separate compound sentences with commas between the two parts: The world I live in is dynamic, and I cannot control it.

Great job. It's already an excellent essay.

Kevin

Writing Feedback / Computers have made life becomes easier or difficult? Discuss [2]

I suggest that you add a sentence to the first paragraph to say what your opinion is: although computers can either help or hurt depending on how well you know how to use them, they improve people's lifestyles and create opportunities that make them worthwhile. Computers bring complexity, but it is well-worth it!

Research Papers / SENIOR RESEARCH PROJECT about Michael Jackson --HELP [12]

Hello,

Your topic statement made me laugh out loud. Thanks for improving my day. Yes, like Gloria wrote, it is important to cite some sources. Backing up what you say... this is especially important when you are calling somebody a nut job. :)

I also want to suggest that you should decide what YOUR OWN theory is about why the world is still intrigued by him despite everything. You should make a compelling argument so that all the insight you got while reading about this -- insight into human nature, the meaning of life, cosmetic surgery -- all of that insight can be conveyed to the person who rads your essay. You can communicate deeply with the reader by making a meaningful argument with strong topic sentences that begin each paragraph... and then backing them up with references to articles and books, like Gloria said.

So what is the answer...why does the world still celebrate people who have proven themselves to be nut jobs? I'm interested to know your theory... I'll try to come up with one of my own. I'm sure you'll find lots of theories when you read articles that other people have written about him.

good luck!

Kevin

Essays / I am writing an essay about radio and international communications [2]

Hello!

In order to come up with the main themes, I suggest that you search for books and articles that are about the invention of the radio. When was the radio invented, anyway? I remember reading that the television was invented in the mid 1920s, so the radio must have come well before that.

In your class, did the professor asign a reading about this topic? Also, do you have any good books and articles to read in order to prepare to write this? If so, you can see what the other writers used for topics. After you read three or four articles about the advent of radio communication, you will have developed your own opinion, your own feel for how it affected international communication.

So, the good thing to do is to search your library or the Internet for articles about "invention of the radio" and "the history of international communications."

You will take some notes as you read a few articles, and soon you will find that writing the paper is as easy as talking about it with a friend. When you find some good articles about the invention of the radio, and HOW IT WAS USED in international communications, and WHICH COUNTRIES FIRST USED IT, and WHEN WAS IT FIRST USED IN WAR and, most importantly, you will learn about interesting themes associated with this topic as you read what other people have written about it.

Just remember to cite your sources. And when you find a few good articles and write a few god paragraphs, post them here for us to see. Good luck! I hope you enjoy researching this interesting topic.

Kevin

Undergraduate / "want do anything without parents' permission." - UC prompt#2 [2]

Greetings!

I'll do my best to make helpful suggestions...

This is a run-on sentence:

Working as cashier was not as difficult as I thought it would be, my two main duties were correcting the money, and closing account for total sale at the end of each day.

You can fix it by putting a period or semi-colon after the word "be."

Also, maybe you don't need to include the phrase "since Christmas break last year." It makes it sound like your mom got on your case to work, and you finally gave in and worked.

Here is another run-on sentence:

The result of my effort was shown on my 12 grading period report card, I got 3.60 GPA.

You can fix it by putting either a period or a semi-colon after the word "card."

For Your first sentence, maybe you would like to change it to say: I am just like other teenagers who will do anything to earn some freedom and independence.

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC prompt#2 - eating disorder, courage [3]

Hi Kim,

I separated the paragraphs where separating them seemed necessary, so that it would all be clearer. I also made recommendations for change in bold .

I took apart two paragraphs and made one an intro paragraph. Try it this way and see of you like it.

Courage is a crucial trait that can be difficult to measure. Maybe you are born with it, and maybe you receive it through life-changing experiences. In my case, it was both. Growing up, I always received praise on what a brilliant and tenacious young woman I was. Whether it was sneaking the newspaper and learning to read by the age of 3, holding snakes when no one else dared to touch them, becoming familiar with public speaking when I held office at my grammar school, or starting my own business at a young age, I always was a determined and daring girl. In high school, however, I suffered from an eating disorder changed this. I thought I had been using courage to abstain from eating food, but instead I had been surrendering to the demons inside myself. Realizing this gave me the strength to regain my life.

At the age of 14, I found myself in a desolate hospital room, with a full tray of food placed in front of me. I looked at my chart with disgust; stated on Axis 1 was "Anorexia Nervosa," and Axis 2 read "Bulimia Nervosa." I glanced over at the mustard packets, which contained zero calories and looked much more appetizing than the large sandwich in front of me. I told myself that I just needed to get through all of this nonsense and that soon I would be out of the hospital and back to my life, the way I chose to live it. Little did I know that I would soon be back here, staring at the same white walls and being woken up at 4:00 for the same evaluations.

During the time I spent wrestling with eating disorders, my grades hit rock bottom, my friends were distant memories, and, most importantly, my family members had begun mourning the loss of their daughter and sister. It wasn't until I was approaching my senior year of high school that the light in me flicked back on. I regained all of the courage that I had in myself up until the onset of my eating disorder, plus much more, and I fought the disease for the first time. I succeeded, and the courage that I gained from this victory has provided me with immense strength that I will continue to be proud of the rest of my life.

I graduated from high school and started at Canada College. I needed a new challenge in my life, so I applied and was hired for an internship at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network. I was the only freshman and the youngest intern in the entire bay area. Just to assert myself, I completed training and passed the life insurance exam before anyone else in my office.

These are just a few of the many situations in my life in which I have displayed courage. I would not be in the position that I am in today if it had not been for this aspect of my personality. Courage enables me to take advantage of the opportunities that life presents to me, and also to seek out those that are hidden. It aids me in excelling on whatever I set my mind to and fighting during hard times. Courage represents the person that I am, the person that I am proud of, and the person in whom I have confidence for achieving all my future goals and aspirations.

Good luck in school! Here are some notes I took while making corrections:

The second comma (the comma after the word "room" in the first sentence) is not necessary.

You DO need a comma after the term "Anorexia Nervosa," because is separates the two parts of a compound sentence.

After "Bulimia Nervosa," there is a period that ends the sentence. That period should be INSIDE the quotation marks, like this:

I looked at my chart with disgust; stated on Axis 1 was "Anorexia Nervosa," and Axis 2 read "Bulimia Nervosa."

After 4:00 you can put either AM or PM, to be more specific.

In my opinion, it would be better to change "victorious overcoming" to simply "victory"

Perhaps instead of "Courage is a very desired trait" you might write, "Courage is a crucial trait," or, "Courage is an important trait"...