Unanswered [66] | Urgent [0]

Posts by collegecat
Joined: Dec 12, 2011
Last Post: Dec 25, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 19  

From: Netherlands

Displayed posts: 21
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Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "The foursome of senses"-Brown U something you created [3]

is the proudest thing

is the thing I am most proud of

Other than that, I don't see any grammatical mistakes. I really like your essay, it really portrays your love of painting!
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / "Who am I?" - Common App Essay [28]

Maybe you should take a risk? I am afraid that if you trim it too much, you will lose the essence of the piece. Since you can upload it, you could always try to hand it in as it is. It's either that, or choosing a new topic, I reckon.

Could you please have a look at my essay?
Dec 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / Topic:"Why do we need to read books" [6]

Is this your Common App main essay? If so, than you should make it more about you. The admissions officers want to know more about you; it comes across as a research paper, which is not what it's supposed to be.
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Ben' - Common Application Essay, person who has had a significant influence on you. [9]

Thank you both so much! I flushed bright red reading your comments. I have put a lot of work into both essays, but now, I can't choose which one to use. I'm going to ask my English teacher, since my guidance counselor doesn't really know anything about the whole American-English-application-thing.
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'nature and science in harmony' - columbia supplement short essay [6]

"Why Columbia?"

I dream. My dream is of a future where nature and science exists(shouldn't that be exist?) in perfect harmony. My dream is of a world where every voice is heard and every opinion considered. My dream is to grow and to help others grow. My dream is to lead(it sounds a bit awkward, maybe you should say 'to become/be a leader). My dream is Columbia.

Columbia is, undoubtedly, an institution par excellence. The stellar academics and research facilities, under the guidance of some of the best professors in the world and the amazing 'CORE', which embodies in a student all the necessary qualities of a well rounded individual, along with its majestic campus and its location in the heart of the world's heart, make Columbia perfect. This sentence seems a bit long, maybe you should break it downAnd for me, numero uno.

What appeals most to me about Columbia though, is the warmth and exuberance it reflects, the ideals by(shouldn't that be 'for'? You could also say 'the ideals it represents') which it stands, and the precision with which it hones its determined students into skilled individuals - individuals who thingthink big, think smart(maybe you should say: 'individuals who think big and smart, work hard, and raise ...), work hard and raise the standards of society,(I think you should enter a ; instead of a dot)individuals who not only aspire to make a difference in the world, but diligently work towards a better future; individuals who lead.

"...And hence, Columbia."
(1135 characters)

I agree with the other commentators; it seems a bit too general.

Could you perhaps have a look at my essay too?
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / Any costume i like---Brandeis Supplement [7]

I love how you took the prompt, and used it to tell the admission officers something about you that goes further than 'I want to be Batman, because...'. Great essay!

Could you have a look at my essay?
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "Who am I?" - Common App Essay [28]

I love your essay! It's very well written, and it really tells us something about you! My only concern is, if it isn't a tad too long. Isn't there a word limit?

I would appreciate it if you had a look at my essay!
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'interdisciplinary nature of the curriculum' - Why the College Of Wooster? [4]

The last sentence is quite funny, but it does not seem fit in with the rest of your paragraph. It's good that you first show your knowledge of Wooster, and then relate it to you. I don't think you should mention you're from the UK, unless it's a reason for you to attend Wooster, but otherwise, it will show elsewhere on your application; there's no need to mention it twice. Overall, I think it's a very well written piece!

Could you maybe have a look at mine?
Dec 14, 2011
Undergraduate / 'White, blonde, good grades, various extracurriculars' - UC #1 [6]

In my opinion, it seems like you've taken on too much with trying to describe both your dad, and your life in the suburbs. I reckon you'll either have to unite them further, or choose one to write your essay about. Choosing two topics might prevent you from evaluating the deeper influence of both.
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Storytellers' - Common Application Essay, perhaps using for Brown [4]

I wrote another essay. It's only 433 words, and it's a lot more philosophical than the other one I posted. All comments are welcome!


I sit alone on the faded green, weather-stained bench, my legs folded, my backpack resting on the plastic beside me. The brick school building behind me buzzes with incessant teenage laughter as the sun plays hide-and-seek with the charcoal clouds. I pick at the brittle cover of my book as people pass me by. I am not out there on my own because I am dissociable - in fact, I flourish when I am among people, eager to launch a discussion or contribute to a seemingly difficult issue. Sometimes, however, I yearn for a sanctuary, a place to let my thoughts an imagination flow freely, a place where I do not feel obliged to work.

As I watch men and women pass me by, setting of towards their destinations, or just mindlessly wandering across the gray pavement, I lower my book and begin unravelling, or rather weaving threads of my imagination together to fabricate their stories - stories that last for as long as the people concerning them remain in my eyesight. My mind constructs entire novels around them: a worn-out looking man carrying a beaten-up briefcase changes into a defeated businessman, desperately trying to pay the rent, support his ill father and -

Drop. An ice-cold spat of water hits my cheek, rests on my cheekbone for a moment before tracing its wet way down my cheek, and I'm back on the green bench, book in one hand and. As the drops increase in number and volume, quietly dripping on my pink raincoat, I am reminded that what I see is fictional; there is no reality nor truth in what I conceive.

The chatter in the construction behind me reaches a higher pitch - break-time. My imagination, now matter how incomplete or fleeting, sweeps me back to observing the innocent people that pass me by. I want to see a mother, awakening from her coma after seven years, a father, being consoled by his little boy after he lost his job, a family, mourning over their deceased grandfather. Someday, I want to know all their stories - from the shiny cover to the irreversible 'The End' printed in cursive across the final page.

That is what I want, that is who I am: a storyteller. I am reflected in the people I see and the stories that lie behind them, knowing that, whoever they are, they are going somewhere. But for now, I'm content with following their blurred shapes through the opaque rain curtain, sitting on the green, plastic bench, a tattered book in my hand, and letting the stories come along with each passing person.
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / "My Sister" - Common App Essay [10]

I agree with admission2012; the essay is a means of telling more about yourself, letting colleges get a glimpse of the person behind the application. You should focus more on how this particular experience had an impact on you.
Dec 12, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Travel or living experiences in other countries ' - Harvard optional essay [10]

'As I wait for the plane to take off I realized that I am scared, for it is a long ride and I was alone.'

Watch your verbs: some are in the present tense, while others are in the past tense. You should try to create a distinct line between the present and the past.

Overall, a very good essay!
Dec 12, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Ben' - Common Application Essay, person who has had a significant influence on you. [9]

I could really use some help regarding my essay; it is for my common application, and, because I am working on several different essays right now, I wondered if I am on the right track. Tips and advice would be very welcome! (Once I finish other essays, I will post them)

Topic: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.


Ben stood in the hallway, his white shape contrasting with the dented, brown parquet. Just looking at him recalled long-lost childhood memories, like puncturing tiny holes in the dark dome that seemed to circumvent my thoughts whenever my eyes touched upon his surface. In only a few days he would depart the densely packed hallway that had been his home for the past seven years. I knew I could not avoid him any longer. For the final time, I sat down and played, letting my quiet recollections sweep me away in the musical mist my fingers created.

Ben and I first laid eyes upon each other when I had reached the age of ... He was a small, matte white piano. I had wanted to play the piano ever since I was - well, I can't even remember. There was something about its blanket of black and white rectangles, its clear sound that seemed to linger in the air even after the last key had been struck, that drew me to it. Having a piano, however, meant having a responsibility, and, as my parents weren't sure I could handle that part, they promised that I could have my go at playing the piano after I'd learned how to play the flute. The flute and I were, however, definitely not a match made in heaven; I 'endured' playing it for two years while never letting my mind wander of the cause.

Ben was a vehicle to retrieve my emotions out of the unfathomable depths of my mind; I had always been one to hold it all back, swallowing rather than spitting it out, but Ben had taught me not to be afraid to stand out and to refrain from fading into the yellow walls. Hours and hours, I sat down at the piano, expressing myself in an alphabet that existed of only seven letters, but that could convey so much more meaning than the usual twenty-six could. I composed music that was not music, but rather the tenor of my life put on a tone bar. I practiced until I could execute a faultless piece, letting my perfectionism shine through the perfectly hit keys.

The final key lingers in the air. I sit very still for a moment, afraid of disturbing the peaceful and almost tangible feelings that came with the music and will surely leave with its finish. Ben has been my friend, teacher and guardian for the past years; he has exceeded the term 'piano' in every possible way. He taught me the power of endurance, the rewards and results of hard work and the ability to channel my creative energy into something productive; these are variables, however, that I cannot put an amount to, and trying to would only cheapen Bens influence. I can only hope that, one day, I can be to someone what Ben has been to me.
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