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Posts by kayleighlevitt
Joined: Dec 13, 2011
Last Post: Jan 10, 2012
Threads: 5
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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Jan 10, 2012
Writing Feedback / Facebook: A double-edged sword - a current scientific or social controversy [3]

Tell us what you think about a current scientific or social controversy. (in 500 words)- Mine is exactly 500.

Social networking could be seen as our society's downfall. However, considering the potential to use it positively, it may prove to be one of the greatest inventions of the modern world.

I believe that as children it is mandatory to make mud pies, build forts, dare each other to eat bugs, play dress up, fear cooties, and believe in magic.

My eight-year-old sister just created a Facebook. I found myself devastated. I did not want to see her get sucked in. When I brought up my feelings, she retorted the way only eight-year-olds can, "But you have one!" I had no response. I am a hypocrite.

Facebook enables quasi-connection. Profiles allow people to be as fascinating as the archetypes they wish they were. It is the ultimate time waster whilst time is our most precious currency. Before online social networking, the only way to know someone was to actually know someone. Now, people know everything about you without knowing you at all. Pavlov's theory of conditioning proves positive feedback creates permanent behavior. Facebook gives it through notifications. Our intrinsic desire for approval becomes satisfied externally, creating a crutch for what we can do ourselves. This allows one's self-confidence to be dependent on others. This encourages my sister to reach outside herself for approval. To be empowered individuals, I have learned strength must come from within.

Then again, what would Gandhi post as his Facebook statuses today? How many people could he influence in a matter of seconds? This power is at the end of our fingertips. I could stand on a sidewalk, read my poetry aloud and maybe a handful of people would stop, listen, and feel. Yet, I could post it, and with the benefit of instant communication, I would reach thousands. As recent events in Egypt showed, Facebook can be the downfall of governments that are not working. Through the forum of widespread communication, one can collaborate, network, and enlist what it takes to make movements happen.

Facebook is a double-edge sword. It can be a tool to evolve as a society. It can dehumanize authentic connection. It can create movements, inspire, and spread ideas. It can stop kids from a true childhood experience by making them grow up too quickly. It can be a mode of powerful communication. It can fill spiritual emptiness. Humanity is inherently interconnected. The internet is shallow manifestation of that. Yet we have the choice to deepen it.

It is about the intention behind it. It is possible to change the world if we intend to utilize it based on Gandhi's principles. We have no context for what happens next. It is pointless to hang onto what we know. Social networking sites are an entity unto themselves with infinite potential. The future is in the hands of my generation to make the choice to be the responsible co-creators of a new world.
Jan 10, 2012
Undergraduate / "Music was my refuge." - georgetown [2]

Music: (Living on the Gospel) This is an unclear title.
Maya Angelou said, "Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness". Like many people, music has always been one of my passions; a substance of power determined by how well I communicate it to other people.<-- That sentence is wordy. I would break it up into three and clarify what you mean. I can honestly attest to the vast greatness of music's impact on my life. With music came song, and with a songinsert a comma I would sing.

Branching from past experiences I always enjoyed singing and entertaining others. It was the only time other than in school where I stood out as a true geniusI would just say "where I stood out." Because calling yourself a genius is kind of awkward sounding. ; knowing my vision, having a desire, and demonstrating commitment and persistence. Knowing that everybody listened to musicinsert comma I was able to engage myself in my High School's Gospel Choir. Nonethelessinsert comma I often felt limited and left-out because I disengaged my self from other types of music, break up this sentence. Dont just go off on lists. These are several different ideas in one sentence, which loses the reader. Schools look for clarity above all else because it shows you can organize your thoughts music specifically geared towards materialistic ideals. In essenceinsert comma a lot of people have talent but instead of using it to honor God they use it for their own pleasure, pleasing worldly values.I would just reword that sentence to say:"In essence, talent can be used to honor God or for their own pleasure. Most often, it is the latter.

Music is a universal language implemented implemented is used out of context here. I would suggest using the word "used" to convey emotion that ministers to your needs in a therapeutic fashionjust say therapeutically . Every touch of a verse or hit of a note, every strum of a string or tap of a beat, every tat of a drum or strike of a symbol essentially represents who you are. "Every note, every strum, every verse, every beat, everything about music represents the essence of who you are." That is a possible suggestion. If you dont use that suggestion, do change it because it doesnt flow well. In my opinion the world involuntary revolves around music; we hear it 'everyday'That should not be in quote marks. , wherever we go, in which many permit the art into their lives.I would delete that sentence and make the last sentence tie together why it is a form of your self expression. Maybe you could say, "Music is my way of honoring myself, life, and God. It is the essence of who I am."

I hope that helps!!!
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Drawing an ocean' - Bates College essay [4]

When my 5th grade art teacher asked our class to draw an ocean, for some reason, I decided to paint the whole paper red. She scolded me for messing up my picture. I told her, "I drew the inside of an ocean when the sun was shining on it." She replied, "Stop being so weird."This seems unrealistic, because a teacher probably wouldn't use the word weird. Or criticize art that way. I suggest having her reply with something more a long the lines of, "Juwon, you interpreted the assignment wrong." She took my picture away from me.

I want to indulge my desire for divergent thinking. I want a school that champions thinking outside of the box, rather than criticizing it as "wrong." The creative learning environment at Bates is exactly what I need to reach my potential. I am considering a major in Sociology. This requires understanding fields of knowledge such as psychology, law, and economics. The rigorous scholarship at Bates will expose me to these aspects of Sociology while allowing me to study what I am most passionate about, social inequality. You should not capitalize that, and if you call it your passion, it is less confusing because you already called sociology your potential major. Message me back if this comment does not make sense. For the last four years, I tutored underprivileged students. Over time, I realized that poverty is composed of factors most are unaware of, and what we are aware of is often misunderstood due to judgement. The social inequality that is our reality today, yet it does not have to stay that way. At Bates, I know I will be surrounded by students as passionate about making a difference in the world as I am. The support of a collaborative residential community I am not sure why you had this in quotes, but it does not seem like it need s to be. That phrase is kind of awkward as well, I reworded it as best as I could while keeping it in there. is exactly what I need to continue my dreams of creating a better world that works for everyone.

Here is the edited version with my suggestions to help with awkward wording and grammar mistakes. I reworded sentences in order to make it more effective, even though you said you just needed help with grammar. I hope that it helps and I respect your compassion.
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Emerson: Why Not? A Story About The Best Excuse For Doing Anything [2]

We understand that the college application process often feels stressful, when instead it should be an opportunity for self-reflection. Stop worrying for a minute and have fun with this response. Much of the work that students do at Emerson College is a form of storytelling. If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why? Please be brief (100-200 words).

Why Not? A Story About The Best Excuse For Doing Anything

Behind every movement is a person with an idea. I think anyone can be a Gandhi. He was a person, with a philosophy that he believed in enough to become it. We all have that capacity. In order to do that, we must challenge ourselves to shift our paradigm of what we think is possible. Changing the world begins within. I choose to see myself as a being made of infinite potential, thus, that is the way I see the world. People used to tell me, "Just wait until you find out unicorns do not exist." They still do. My reasoning may seem ludicrous, yet every leap forward society made up until now, once was considered impossible. All things exist in the quantum realm of potentiality. It is how we perceive them that make it real. Perspective is a choice. Therefore, we are in choice whether something is real or not. Impossible is just an opinion someone made once. To most, it seems idealistic to seek a world that works for everyone. It is up to idealists who refuse nothing less than to prove impossible wrong. I believe in change, and that is something I intend to see through. Why not be the person with the idea behind the movement? Why not?

I am 23 words over 200. So if you see words I can use that make the sentence smaller, sentences I can shave off, or any way I can lose a word here or there that would be appreciated as well. Thanks!
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Dinesh! Dinesh!" COMMON APP [3]

The team was 3-1 down with five minutes remaining in the game. We were dominating the game, controlling the ball possession and creating lots of chances, but we never really capitalized on it. For clarity try breaking up the sentence and using active verbs rather than passive. I suggest saying: 5 minutes remained in the game. We were down, 3-1. We had control of the ball which created opportunities, but had not taken advantage of them.

the defender to Jonathan who was making the penetrating run inside the penalty box. I think the word choice is odd here which makes t more wordy, whereas the rest of the sentence flows really well.

the ear shrieking sound of the referee's whistle.you could just say: the shriek of the referee's whistle. as it is, it feels awkward

you switched from writing in hindsight to writing in present tense: I grabbed the ball with uncertainty and placed it on the penalty spot; my heart beats faster each time, as I felt the pressure getting to me. I took a couple of steps back, trying to compose myself as I waited for the referee to blow his whistle. I nervously ran up wanting to blast the ball into the center of the goal, but I leaned back too much and watched the ball went sky high.

I didn't want to look up; I couldn't hide the embarrassment of missing that penalty from my parents, my coaches and the crowd. Moreover, at the last second of the game, to add to my misery, we got a consolation goal and made it 3-2.
I felt even worse because now I know that if I scored that penalty, we could've gone to extra time. (the bold is all the present tense, since you wrote the rest of your piece in past, keep it consistent.)

we could've gone to extra time. instead of gone, say gotten.

I felt like I have disappointed my coaches who had their full confidence in me about that penalty. delete the word have.

before we hear what the coaches are saying, you should say something like, "I overheard the coaches talking." because as it is it is not clear if they are talking to the whole team or not.

don't let it overcome you, just learn from it." delete 'don't let it overcome you.' the sentence flows better that way.

Okay, you used the first four paragraphs to tell your story, the last paragraph should solely be your realization,and how you have grown from the experience. I suggest it starting at "that incident..." There is some awkward phrasing and wording and verb tense after that so I just rewrote it, to lump all of the correction suggestions into one:

That incident wasn't my finest moment in Singapore, people might even remember me for the wrong reasons, but it made me realize that doing things with confidence is one of the keys to success. It strengthened me not only as a soccer player, but as a public speaker.

Then throw in a few more sentences about what being confident means to you and how not the event, but how being confident has changed you as a person, not just a student or a soccer player. You never want to use the prompt in your essay and you want to end on something strong.

I hope all of this makes sense. Comment back if I wrote something that doesn't or you need anymore help while editing. I think you can make this a strong piece.
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / Film Concept: short film idea - Emerson College [6]

As said above, I think it all depends on the way the script is written whether it is unique or not. I think the unique factor you have touched on is the power of the urban legend and collectively making the wish. Why are those three connected? If all people on earth make a wish at the same time, what would happen? In the stage of brainstorming and concepts that you are in, I don't think it necessarily stands out because the problems the girls face are kind of 'lifetime drama' problems. Making their problems complicated doesn't make the storyline more unique. So rather than that, I think if you start your short film at the wishing moment and maybe show faces of many different people in addition to the three looking at the clock, closing their eyes, and making a wish and letting the story go on from there, I think it would be quite a showcase of your creativity. The only reason I say that is because teenage problems have been done before and you said you wanted something that hasnt been done before. This is just one direction you could take from this. You could take many more directions from this. I really think you have a good idea going for you and you should definitely expand upon this vision.

Hope that helps!
Dec 16, 2011
Writing Feedback / Something for my Creative Writing Portfolio. "Meet me there." [NEW]

The soil is richer there. It hasn't been touched by the invisible hands of coorperations. The sneering greed of the faces of buyers haven't placed their investing vision over this land. It's untouched. It's rich. It's authentic.

There is a heartbeat there that beats in rhythm with the earth. The heartbeat there is strong, thriving, and loud. The heartbeat there reminds us of our own beating heart, our own aliveness.

Yet, we deafen ourselves with blaring advertisements, we blind ourselves with billboards, we've been brainwashed to desire fluorescent lights and bigger cars. The earth may be hurting from this, but we're hurting more.

Our own authentic heartbeat has gotten washed out by the white noise. We forgot our aliveness. There is a certain emptiness that we are all familiar with. It sneaks in under the door when we are sleeping. It whispers in our ear in quiet moments of daydreaming. It shows up blaringly in the midst of romantic relationships.

We are all running from that same emptiness. Maybe we just need to take our pulse. Maybe if we stuck our feet in the ground and wiggled our toes in the soil, we'd remember our human nature. We'd remember the authenticity that comes with breathing in the sky.

Our breath circulates throughout the heavens and we get to taste it at any moment we want too. We have unlimited access to this universe. Our minds are only used at 1% most of the time. With this much pure potentiality, we must live as it.

We do not have to go out an attain it, it's right here. Beating in our heart, begging us to hear it.

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense."


Meet me there.
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a slow, agonizing deat' - My personal statement [NEW]

Comfortable complacency has always seemed like a slow, agonizing death. I never want to become so stuck in the formalities of being human that I lose sight of my power to choose the direction of my life. I am scared of living in fear, so I do things I am afraid of. It was my fear of never finding the light that brought me to the light. It was my fear of not having the strength to live my dreams that challenged me to become the strength I needed. Fear is my greatest teacher. Instead of running away from it, I chose to see it as wisdom in disguise. It is an opportunity to grow.

I joined a new thought community when I was thirteen. New thought taught me about the power of intention and the wisdom of stillness. My journey became one of recognizing my inherent self-worth. I learned that everything in the universe is interconnected. I realized the only true power is love. It became okay to be imperfect and that didn't mean I deserved any less love. In fact, I was told to love all the parts of who I am no matter what they looked like. I committed to living a conscious life. Socrates said "The unexamined life is not worth living." It became clear that my only choice was to wake up.

Waking up is not always a pleasant process. You smash your alarm off. Your bed suddenly seems more comfortable than before. All you want is another minute of dreaming. Life seems like a harsh place in comparison to the sweetness of sleeping.

Prior to spiritually waking up, it was the same way. I wanted to ignore every "opportunity to grow". My comfort zone looked like heaven. All I wanted was to close my eyes to the truth and be blissfully ignorant. Yet, I do not want to sleepwalk through my life that way. I would rather actively participate in my evolution as a human being.

We are essentially made of nothing; our bodies are mostly empty atoms vibrating at varying frequencies. From that nothingness, we create ourselves. To me that is the point. We are supposed to make something out of nothing and enjoy it. We are supposed to dance with the emptiness. We are supposed to live for the sake of living and squeeze the juice out of everyday.

When I look up at the sky, sometimes I see the greatest masterpiece ever created. The moon speaks to me of ancient paradoxes. The ocean whispers tales of what infinity feels like. The forest reminds me what it feels like to grow. Life is full of mysteries. Chasing answers is as pointless as counting the amount of hairs on my head. It proves nothing. Therefore, with every breath, I plunge into the unknown. With every breath, I dare to live.
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Three days in the wilderness' - leaving comfort zone prompt [6]

So this is my thoughts: I can see you really had a realization. The world is interconnected. That is huge. I think that with the right organization of the essay you can really flatter that idea because as it is, it is dry.

" Towards the end of the cleanup process, I ran across a fish caught in a bottle that couldn't swim out. After pouring the fish and the water out of the bottle, I noticed the bottle was not only recyclable, but it had a Pennsylvania label on it. Rivers from six states, some of which do not even border the Chesapeake Bay, run into the Bay. The decision a person in Pennsylvania to not recycle nearly took the life of this fish. "

Im thinking it would be cool to drop the reader in at the moment you came across the fish caught in the bottle. Then talk about your realization of the interconnectedness. Then talk about how being in nature brought you to that realization, and then finally talk about how it took stepping out of your comfort zone of technology and friends to get you there.

With imagery, a touch on whats going on in your psyche, and specific stories of your experience you can make your essay more colorful.

Try changing the story to be more like this, I think it will be more attention grabbing if you make it more personal rather than how you have it now.

"I reached into the river to catch a floating bottle. Something moved from within it. A fish seemed to be trapped inside. I noticed that the bottle was not only recyclable, but it had a Penn label on it. (insert how you felt about that and the fact that you were 6 states away)"

Hope that helps.
Take a look at my essay please :)
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / (my need and passion for writing) Emerson "personal memoirs" [4]

I think you nailed your title on the head. "I Never Got My Letter" I can see that you really want to go to Emerson. (I do too, look at my essay :) ) It seems like the metaphors and allusions get lost among each other because they are so close together in the 2nd paragraph. Emerson symbolizes the Hogwarts you've been waiting for which is awesome. To bring the essay more tact, try arranging it differently. As a suggestion The first paragraph could be the imagery of you waiting to get your letter at age 11. Then talk about yourself more, like who you are, and why not getting your "letter" effected you and what that means. Hope that helps!
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / "Shouldn't I type this instead?" - On handwriting - Commonapp essay [18]

This essay is beautiful. I think that you're message is still conveyed without having to show them with your handwriting. The whole point of the essay is for the words to speak for themselves, which they do. I think that as far as putting this in your common app, it shows who you authentically are, therefore it stands out. I think it is a gamble because it isn't something that is palatable. I think it shows intelligence and creativity. You could write something else that would be less of a gamble (whether they'd get it or not) and it would still be good because you are clearly talented. It might not be as creative though. For common app, you have more than one essay though, right? So you can turn in another that shows a different side of your writing as well.

Another quote from little miss sunshine that may help you in making your decision. "Do what you like and f*** the rest." :) Hope that helps.
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Living with mystery' Emerson Supplement: A moment in your life you had a realization [6]

I leapt. The illusion of safety enveloped me. The instructor gave the thumbs up and the parachute ballooned over my head. My screaming ceased. I saw the earth like never before.

Here I was, floating like a tiny feather in the sky, my mortality surrounding me, and I realized how incredibly small I am. The panoramic view below me gave me perspective.

My world often consists of the two-foot radius around me. It seems so easy to get lost in the human day-to-day experience. Everything in the world of the 21st century seduces us into a forgetful stupor. There is so much pressure to fulfill plans, pay bills, and become someone important. As I leapt off that airplane into the limitless sky, none of that mattered.

I peeked beyond the veil of my little world. Life happens in ways beyond my understanding. When I get glimpses of the mystery of it all, I often do not even know what to do with myself.

I think that is why it is easier to forget most of the time. Living with mystery constantly challenges everything we think we know. I am okay with that challenge. I'm ready.