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Posts by hanakml
Joined: Dec 29, 2011
Last Post: Dec 30, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 19  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 21
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hanakml   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Major Response [3]

I think you should include the intended major because I was confused as to what it was until the last couple sentences. Other than that, it's nicely written.

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Could you take a look at my nyu supplement as well ?
hanakml   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Footsteps' - Common app essay [9]

First, I just want to say that both the first and second drafts you posted are WONDERFULLY written. Your essay really conveys your love for breakdancing and the life lesson it has taught you. The only thing I think needs a bit of improvement is your wording. It can get a bit confusing at times, and doesn't quite flow with the whole vibe of the essay.

Amid the swarm of faces on the sidewalk, I am barely noticeable.

I think you should change the last clause to 'I remain unnoticed'

I got used to the plaster paint chips crashing from the ceiling and to the broken floorboards creaking beneath me

I would change 'got' to 'was'

I let the melody carry my body to the floor and, as my feet swiftly shuffle, the only thing connecting me to reality is the coldness of the floor on my hands.

I'd move the comma to after floor instead of after and.

I find myself listening to the symphony that my sneakers create as they synchronize with the smack of the snare drum.

I would change it to 'symphony created by my sneakers'

and no longer invisible, I harmonize with its inner rhythm.

I would just make this a different sentence. No longer invisible, I harmonize with its inner rhythm.

Hope I could help! And could you take a look at my NYU supplement as well. I'd really appreciate it.
hanakml   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'WHY I DO NOT WEAR PANTS' - Common App [7]

I'm a bit confused as to what this essay is about. Like the poster above, I don't see the connection between leggings and your mom. It just seems all over the place. And the song quote confuses me as well... But other than that, I like your writing style and word choices.
hanakml   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Hakuna matata, what a wonderful phrase!" - Stanford Roommate Supplement Essay [8]

I seriously smiled the whole time I was reading this! It's extremely well written and I feel like I actually know you now. I kinda wanna be your roomie now, haha :D

Good luck with everything!
& if you don't mind, could you take a look at a few of my essay. I would love some feedback from such a great writer!
hanakml   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / (new methods of thinking / journalism / Bohemian Rhapsody) - NYU [10]

Please be 100% honest. And I'll be happy to return the favor.

Prompt: Why NYU?

New York City: the city that never sleeps. New York University: the school that has prevented me from sleep. Ever since I can remember, NYU has been the only university I've wanted to attend, so much so that the mere idea of stepping onto its campus as a student has opened the door to a surfeit of thought-filled, sleepless nights. To me, NYU is the quintessential representation of what every corner of the globe should be about: diversity. I believe it is necessary to embrace and celebrate the fact that we're not cookie-cutter carbon copies of one another, and there is no better place to do so than NYU, where people from nearly all walks of life can be found. Growing up in a small, suburban town in the state of Georgia, ideas outside of the norm often carry heavy stigmas, which I have come to learn first-hand. I'm what most people would call the textbook definition of a skeptic. I doubt what shouldn't be doubted and I believe what shouldn't be believed. The thought of a twenty-ton slab of steel transporting hundreds of people through the air boggles my mind. The idea that every living organism is made of trillions of even tinier organisms leaves me scratching my head in perplexity. I look at things inside-out and upside-down, backwards and forwards, paying close attention to every minute detail. As a student at NYU, I would be able to further expose myself to fresh, new methods of thinking and viewing the world, while also bringing forth my own without the restraint of others.

Prompt: Regardless of whether or not you have an intended major or concentration, please elaborate on an academic area of interest and how you wish to explore it at NYU's campuses in New York or Abu Dhabi or at one of our global academic centers around the world. Please share any activities or experiences you have had that have cultivated your intellectual interests leading you to choose to study at the NYU campus of your choice.

A successful career in journalism cannot be obtained simply through long, sleepless nights of perusing through textbooks and memorizing facts, but instead through the physical dedication of getting up each morning to hit the streets and uncover the latest stories to share with the world. For this purpose, there is no other city in the world more thrilling than New York City. At the NYU campus in New York, the possibilities are endless in terms of jump starting a career as a journalist. From the quietest street corners to the hectic temperament of Times Square, there is never a dull moment in The Big Apple. As a young child I discovered my father's small collection of the world's most well-known newspaper, The New York Times, with some editions dating as far back as the mid-1960s. At first, it seemed a bit peculiar to me that someone would want to keep heaps of paper lying around that had no purpose other than to simply take up space; but as I grew older, I came to a realization that would change my life. I began to appreciate these "heaps of paper" as pieces of history that I would never have the opportunity of experiencing first-hand. As cliché as it sounds, I knew from that moment on that it was my destiny to be a part of something that was so simple, yet so innovative at the same time. And I don't know any place more capable of allowing me the opportunity to carry out my goals better than the NYU campus in New York City.

Prompt: What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

From fifty-story steel buildings that shoot up into the clear blue sky, to a tiny beetle that struggles to carry a single grain of rice to his make-shift shelter, I'm intrigued by every detail that life has to offer, no matter how significant or minuscule. However, the facets in life that allure my curiosity the most are perhaps those that hit closer to home. Written by one of the most influential people to have ever graced the music industry, the song Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen represents every aspect of who I am. Bohemian Rhapsody is one of the few songs that don't contain a chorus, instead consisting of three main parts: a ballad segment, an operatic passage, and a hard rock section. To a majority of others, I appear to be a simple, one-dimensional character with little versatility. But to myself and those who know me best, I am a melting pot of different personalities. A part of me is quiet and reserved, like the gentle, melodic sounds of a single person tapping against the keys of a grand piano. The other side of me is unpredictable and difficult to keep track of, like the rapid series of rhythmic and harmonic changes that introduce the pseudo-operatic midsection of the musical composition. Yet, I can be opinionated and untamed with no boundaries, similar to the harsh, aggressive tones of the heavy metal guitar riffs throughout the hard rock interlude. As one of the most intriguing works of art, Bohemian Rhapsody is truly the musical manifestation of who I am today.

Thank you so much in advance :)
hanakml   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The Perks of Being Literate and Self-Honesty' - PERSONAL ESSAY [13]

Thanks Jenny for the feedback, but I'm a little confused as to what I could replace 'timidity' with. I originally had shyness there, but it seemed a bit too repetitive since I had said I was shy in the previous sentence. Also, where do you think I can emphasize my personality more? Should I change a few things around to do so, or make the essay a bit longer (even though its already over the suggested limit).
hanakml   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Clifton in New Jersey' - COMMON APP ESSAY [4]

The first place I can remember living in was Clifton, a small town in New Jersey. It was here that I learned to walk, talk, write, and ride a bike. Oh yes, I also had to learn to share, when my little sister made a grand arrival.It was also the place where I learned that I was "different" . One day during recess a girl did not share her stickers with me because I "had brown skin while others did not". That was the day that I became aware that people are different. I was a little hurt, but soon realized that being different had its advantages. It allowed me to appreciate other points of view with a lot more sympathy, admiration and insight.

I think you should take out the sentence highlighted in red, or add something to introduce it because it seems a bit out of place and random. The blue seemed a bit redundant to me, so I would suggest taking out one or the other, or maybe even try combining them together.

Overall, I think its a pretty good essay. I really like the idea of each place teaching you a life lesson. Just read over it a few times and eliminate some of the wordy-ness.

& I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at mine! :)
hanakml   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The Perks of Being Literate and Self-Honesty' - PERSONAL ESSAY [13]

I'll read yours!!

The Perks of Being Literate

I've always been a bit odd. Some people have even gone as far to say that my elevator doesn't quite reach the top floor. Yes, I'll be honest, my mind does wander astray one too many times a day; and I'll be the first to admit that the word 'habit' doesn't quite suffice for my daydreaming tendencies, which have transformed themselves into more of a lifestyle. In my elementary school days, I was the girl that sat in the back of the class, too shy to utter more than a few words every hour or so. And my timidity didn't end there. It followed me back home like a lost puppy on a cold, rainy day, permanently appending itself onto my personality. Even my own mother found it difficult to carry on a conversation with me before I inched back into my shell that became more of a home to me than my actual physical residence.

I never really understood why I was so introverted. It's not like I didn't have anything to say. Thoughts were constantly buzzing around in my head and I held a strong opinion on practically everything. But something in my mind kept my ideas fettered within the bounds of my skull, refusing to loosen its clutch. I felt ensnared, almost feeble. And it wasn't like I couldn't ask someone for help; the only problem was there was not an ounce of courage or confidence in me capable of doing so. My life, it seemed, was doomed.

But then, I discovered The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, the book that would ultimately change how I live my life. To be honest, at first I didn't have a clue why this novel, out of the other powerful, influential ones I had read, impacted me so much. I found myself reading the last few pages in tears, but still, I didn't have any idea why. It wasn't until I put the book down, closed my eyes, and reflected on my own life that I realized the book was about me. Everything the main character Charlie did, said, thought, and believed mirrored my life perfectly. Charlie lived his life within himself; I lived my life within myself. Charlie struggled to speak his mind; I struggle to speak my mind. Charlie stood on the sidelines as life passed him by; I stood on the sidelines as life passed me by. I was forced to acknowledge my own flaws and fix those that were preventing me from becoming who I really am.

To sum it up, I've learned that in order to be honest with myself, I needed to be honest with others. It dawned on me that the reason why I was so reticent and afraid to be myself was because, as shallow as it sounds, I was worried what others would think. I was constantly trying to win the approval of those around me, so much so that I lost the approval of myself. I had become a sheer shadow of my true personality, my true thoughts, and my true beliefs. Now, I live my life for me, not for others. Because as clichï as it sounds, I'll only live once; so why not make the most of life while I actually can?

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Please let me know what you think and be 100% honest. I'm desperate!
& I'll read yours too if you would like (:
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