Writing Feedback / 'change the world?' - What would you tell your founding fathers prompt? [104]

thank you so much I will post my essay as soonas I am done you are a spectacular contributor

Book Reports / "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" - not Christopher's disability [2]

Blue=delete Red=change Green=Add
As a result, Christopher is unable to develop his full potential and becoming (becomes) as useful an useful asset to the population as he might have been, creating a vicious cycle.\

By acting like this [clarify-what do you mean by this], the general public are disadvantaging Christopher by discriminating and insolating him from the rest of society.

His mother, though kind and loving, having [has] written forty-three letters over the course of the novel despite getting no response, is often embarrassed to be with him in public and prone to breakdowns when things do not go her way.

These reasons all contribute to the ways Christopher is disadvantaged in this world.

Scholarship / 'I have worked too hard' - 250 Word Essay of why I deserve a Scholarship [4]

Great Essay! But talk about HOW YOU WORKED HARD! you wrote that you said that I deserve this scholarship because I have worked too hard to end in poverty like so many generations of my family before me. explain this to me. How have you worked hard? Give me some more reasons (GPA, homework, supporting family.) I know that you have worked 30 hours a week at an internship- everyone has to do that.

Writing Feedback / (disobeying citizens / doctor cat) - Short articles [2]

blue means add red means delete
It is reported that the Government is making a new plan to struggle against disobeying citizens, whatever age they are. As "CNN breaking news" reports, there recently have [has ] been several vicious assassinations of homeless animals in the area of 55th street in Boston, Massachusetts.

Many dogs and cats were killed by teenagers, who are still not identified by witnesses. As Clive Evans, the witness, reports, "they were wearing something like hoodies, there were knives sparkling in their hands and their faces were veiled. ". "CNN" believes that those teenagers are used to sitting on their hands and just looking for something that would entertain them.

The reason for those unexplainable acts is the wrong upbringing, Ann Ross, the physiologist says. Adults don't pay attention on their kids: they leave them alone while working, don't teach them to be kind, never talk to them about their problems. "The entire negative comes from the very childhood," missisMrs. Ross told to "CNN".

The other thing is that law-abiding citizens are expressing the deep grief, they are scared and infuriated. People are astonished with anti-moral behavior of their children's peers. "We are going to hold it down, even if we'll have to make a new law. Violence must be defeated. Our children are to form the future of the country. And we, adults, are to form our children", Mitt Romney, the governor of Massachusetts declared yesterday.

Book Reports / Final Exam Paper - Thoreau's Philosophy on Simplicity [2]

Just wanted to say, thanks for looking at my thread! :)
It'd be simple to make and, most importantly, it'd satisfy that which [perhaps the word "what" would be better here] is important, our bodies.

Sure [ delete the word sure] cell phones, computers, and even trains may seem like the world is progressing, but these new technologies seem to add further to the complexity that is the world.

Great essay!!! Yet, I may be wrong, but you may need to talk about more specifically about Warden's excerpt. You give a lot of awesome examples (I liked the one about alphabet soup) , but you the examples are related to simplicity, yet not related to Warden's excerpt.

Essays / 'A basis for human rights' - What would you tell the founding fathers? [7]

Thanks so much! That was only a short section of my essay. My essay is actually a lot longer. Maximum is 400 words, however. I don't get what you mean by ou could add the contrast between what was written, "give me your poor, your hungry,..."

Writing Feedback / Definition of heroes - Gandhi, Luther King, Lincoln essay [4]

go to this website it will help articulate

info.gcsu.edu/intranet/univ_senate/Feb_23_04/Feb_04/newsat_scoring.pdf

Book Reports / Hamlet - Essay Structure (thematic examples?) [2]

I have not read Hamlet by Shakespeare for a long time. However, based on your question, I can formulate an answer. Write about what happened as a result of when _______ took revenge at _______. Talk about how it affected the whole play and how it makes you like the play even more. Structure it according to the importance of the question.

Writing Feedback / Definition of heroes - Gandhi, Luther King, Lincoln essay [4]

a ten to eleven, probably a 10 perhaps
I graded this according to your use of vocabulary and grammer. Don't try to use the word things in your essay. Also, you have great idea flowing ideas, however, it seems that you used a thesaurus for your essay. Your word choice does not seem to be original, you get what I mean?

Scholarship / mechanical and electrical engineering in Turkey- scholarship [3]

Red means delete or something is wrong that you have to fix. There is something about your essay that I can't seem to explain, so I will let someone else fix it. Don't take my corrections seriously, maybe some of them are unnecessary. But your essay doesn't seem to be original, that's all how I can put it.

The faculty that I am going to pursue is a mechanical and electrical engineering. There are many reasons why I want to study exactly [about] this department. However, I would like to list only the most important ones of them. [Yet, only one reason outshines the others.] Firstly, up to 11th grade I had always preferred only humanities classes and imagined myself as a diplomat or someone like that in the future, and had always dreamed that I would continue my studies in the field of economics. At that time I had never coped well with humanities classes as here in [in contrast to] science lessons such as math, physics and chemistry. But one day I realized that I had to experience something different and unusual. And it was physics. [That something happened to be physics]I started to learn it more and more every single day. It really interested me. So, eventually my opinion changed at once. I decided to continue studies at university in the field of engineering.

The second reason concerns my plans in the way that I want to bring much benefit to my country working as a contributing and a very effective engineer in the future. It is the most important goal that I want to achieve in my life. Because, currently, in my view, our country needs qualitative individuals who are very capable to their work . So [ a better way would be to say therefore or as a result], I am sure that I will be in the list of these engineers.

As for that, why I chose exactly Turkey, I would claim that Turkey possesses all factors that could enable any prospective student to feel satisfied, including me, too . For me, it is a golden opportunity to study in Turkey. In fact, most Turkish technical universities have a strong curriculum to offer such as Middle East Technical University, Bogazici University or let's take Istanbul Technical University as well with [ and equipped with] highly-qualified professors. Moreover, if we look at Turkey from the economic aspect, it will be obviously seen that Turkey is one of the dynamically-developing countries. Terms both financial and spiritual are getting better and better every day. So, it's all the reasons why I want to study in Turkey.

Writing Feedback / College - the best time when a person participates in other activities which broadens his knowledge [7]

Even though some people think that college is not the best time of one' s life but I think otherwise. as I feel college is one of the best times for a person. I have three points to state why college is the best time. [Okay, don't write I have three points to state in your introduction. That isn't, you know, the usual.

In the end, I feel that college is the best time when a person learns not even [NOT ONLY] the studies but also participate in other activities which broadens their knowledge.

Secondly, there are a number of activities in the [A] college in which a student can participate. like the sports activities or events being organized by different clubs [Write something like this: For example, students can participate in numerous sports activities or events that are organized by different clubs.]

there are more grammer mistakes but ill correct them later I have to go now sorry

Writing Feedback / GRE- 'Scandals can be useful'? Do they focus our attention on problems better ? [3]

. For instance, When Kim-North Korea's leader-claims to attack South Korea, people all over the world will focus on it; while if the mass media make up some scandals predicting Kim's policy and dispersing scandals of fear, seldom really care. CAPTIAL WORD IN MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE

They can provide us with much information hiding in every corner THAT IS hard to reveal. YOU HAVE TO ADD THAT IS
know things in really world are rarely black and white but usually involve shades of gray- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO CONVEY HERE. THE GRAMMER IS WRONG, SO YOU WILL HAVE TO FIX IT.

GREAT ESSAY THOUGH!

Writing Feedback / WHY DRUGS are used by teenagers? [3]

Great Essay though! There was this sentence: . With the help of using drugs, they can get rid of these emotional pressures such as anger, stress and depression, and forget everything and relax. Too many ands in one sentence.

Also, there is another situation of group acceptance, for example, a guy may not like or want to use drugs but he may want to be part of the group of guys who fel depressive like him, soo he might imitate them and use drugs.

Also implys that there is an example, so delete the for example.
Over all- One word
Using drug is a critical and vital issue which needs a solution urgently and it is the responsibility of all people. Drug should be plural-drugs