Undergraduate / Honors Essay U of Washington "unplugged" [10]

Prompt: If you were required to "unplug" for one year, describe the influence this would have in your life, your anticipated reaction, reactions of others in your life, and how you might change after your "unplugged" experience. "Unplugged" means no computers or other technology such as cell phones and PDAs.

there is something wrong with this essay in that the ideas dont seem to flow well.
i think it may be the orginization/structure
please help me!

It is crazy how tightly my daily routine is interwoven with the use of technology: my cell phone functions more as an external storage drive for my brain then it does as an actual phone. It remembers my passwords, and even rings to remind me the night before when my contact lenses need to be changed. In hectic times, it aids me in keeping up with my responsibilities.

The most amazing thing about technology is that sitting in my room with a computer in my lap, I can access in a matter of seconds what feels like all the knowledge in the world. My computer also allows me to keep a vast network of friends. Without technology for a whole year, how will I keep in touch? As I close my eyes and wonder, the image of my friend Chang-Wook appears. Sitting in front of his computer in South Korea, he is seriously contemplating the possibility that I might have died with a terrible disease and failed to mention it to him.

As anyone can see, technology was created with the purpose of expedition. To finish more work, to provide instant information and to allow communication that would otherwise take years. Yet looking at life now, one will observe how technology has failed to achieve its purpose. How is possible that with these great advancements, I, and people such as I, still endure nights of no sleep and days when we are forced to skip meals? It seems that in gaining technology we have unknowingly lost something equally precious. I believe that in becoming "unplugged" or disconeected, I will gain the chance to find a new (or rediscover an old) connection with the world.

As an artist I have experienced firsthand the serenity that independence from technology can bring. In using traditional media despite the faster, more convenient digital options available to me, I can not only see my piece, but perceive it physically in front of me. The feel of its texture and even the smell of the metal oxidizing in my hands bring a magnified awareness of my surroundings and a kind of psychological peace. This dimension of perception, inaccessible with the use of technology, is what allows the creation of something truly human and beautiful.

Unplugging will be an extremely difficult task for me, but I am confident that I would be able to adapt well. In my journey of independence from technology, I will strive for that profound feeling of unification with the world in everything that I do. The ability to gather wisdom through experience, or the chance to connect with a friend through the comfort of their presence, will be the things I regain with my sacrifice of technology. The powers of technology are so grand and incomprehensible that it was easy to believe that everything I ever needed, everything I wanted to see was in that digital world behind a screen. But I realize that the one year I am unplugged, will be the year when life feels more real and my existence more substantial than ever before.

Undergraduate / U of Washington essay-"my great-grandfather was executed..." [5]

Prompt: Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.

Problems i have with my essasy is often using correct punctuation and knowing when to start a new paragraph.
also i and dissatisfied with how smooth some of the transitions are. please help me with that.
i feel that the second paragraph ends a little abruptly. does anyone else feel this way? and how can i fix it. Thanks everyone for your input.

My great-grandfather was executed after the Communist Party of China defeated the Chinese Nationalist party; succeeding in establishing the People's Republic of China. At the age of twelve, my grandmother was forced to flee her home to survive on her own. Eventually, she married my grandfather, whose family had also gone through very similar situations. My grandparents' combined misfortunes bore my father into an underprivileged life where he was unable to gain admittance into all but a "minority education college" despite his exam scores placing him in the top three of the region. Even now, I still remember these stories my grandmother had told me as a child, filled with the recurring curse "those murdering communist bastards!" But at the same time, due to deep military involvement on my mother's side of the family I had grown up heavily influenced by values of the Chinese Government: My mother, as well as her whole family had served their lives proudly in the Chinese military. Raised with two such contrasting backgrounds, I lost at an early age the "black and white" view of the world and learned to develop my own opinions. My family history foreshadowed my experiences later in life and helped determine how I let them shape me as a person.

In 1998 my parents and I came to America in pursuit of new opportunities for my father and a better future for me. In China, my father was unable to escape the discrimination brought on by his family's past, he was unable to find a sustaining job, or have the education he deserved. At that time, I did not understand it when my mother told me that America was a better place. She was often homesick here and we were quite poor: from the single mattress that was my bed, to the banged-up chairs, the furniture in our basement-level apartment comprised completely of throwaways recovered from the dumpster.

As I reflect back on the person I have become today I realize how much of an impact my family's emigration had on me. Today, my parents and I live comfortably in our very own house and though many of my friends are considered wealthy-families of doctors, professors and international businessman-I carry always the lesson of not looking down on anyone because of their social class. More importantly, going to school here gave me something characteristic of an American education; It nurtured in me a pride for my individuality, an inquiring disposition and a penchant for independent learning. I am certain that had I not attended school here, I would never have been able to discover my talent and passion for art, my skill at acting, nor my appreciation for science. With the openness and critical point of view I gained early on, I was unable to take for granted the diversity I experienced in America. Over the years I made good friends from many different countries such as Albania, Korea, Egypt, Philippines, and India. From each new person I met, I was able to glimpse a unique religion and culture. These friends in turn fostered my interest in languages, and out of it, my dream to travel the world.

From the legacy of my birth to the journey that ensued, I had been constantly evolving. My experiences so far have taught me how to adjust myself to new situations, to not be judgmental, and to be my own person-and I believe I will forever continue to grow since experience is what defines life. College, for me, will be a wonderful new chance to grow. With my education I look forward to learning in order to understand the world and to continue pursuing new knowledge that will challenge my beliefs, new sights that will change the way I see the world, and chances to give back to the world that has given me so much.

Undergraduate / USC Essay ignorance in the presence of knowlege [5]

Prompt: tell us about an external influence (a person, event...) that affected you and how it caused you to change directions. (500-700wrds)

i am quite unsatisfied with this essay. especially teh second to last paragraph. please help me improve it.
are there any terrible logic holes? i know this essay is a bit opinionated
also i often have trouble choosing correct punctuation. mainly with dashes, colons and semicolons
also if there is anything to be cut. id like this essay to be a bit shorter it is 698wrds

note: persons mentioned in this essay are mentioned under an alias for obvious reasons

"James: there was a study done that says more poor ppl (black/mexicans) use myspace
than facebook... I [saw] some mexican girl going on myspace in art class and i was like study proof'd!
me: idt i ever been on myspace
9:29 PM James: it's quite annoying with its flashy crap and personalization
most black ppl don't know how to personalize and just add all the shit they can find which makes their myspace page take forever to load"

The first couple months I knew him, he seemed like an alright guy. He was smart, and easy to laugh. We shared similarities in that we were both Chinese, a fact that carried along common cultural values and influences; however, as I came to know him well over the last two years, I found that though never showing it in public, James privately held beliefs that were quite racist. He has voiced on several occasions how he hates illegal immigrants and he looks down those belonging to a lower social class, namely "blacks and Mexicans". When I uncovered this unsettling aspect of his character, I was taken completely unawares. James didn't fit the common stereotype of those referred to as "rednecks". For one thing, though not illegal, James was an immigrant himself. Being well aware of the drawbacks of illegal immigration and the various arguments on its economic effects, I was still unable to comprehend James' lack of understanding. How could he hate those less fortunate than him, who like him and me, came to America for the same reasons: the pursuit of a better life, equal opportunities, and education? How could he so blatantly reflect these supremacist stereotypes when he should know better? James was not uneducated-having been recently accepted into Cornell with an essay about how much he loved diversity.

It took me a long time trying to understand James, and really, I still don't. But what I did come to understand is that, perhaps I should not have been so surprised. I found that I had been unknowingly holding on to the misconception that "colored" people were less racist. This realization shamed and puzzled me as I had always been aware that my own parents were pretty racist. They and many of their Chinese friends held the view that most black people were dangerous and uncivilized, yet I had failed to take wisdom from this example and had not incorporated it into my real-life perception of the world.

I feel that, somehow, my blindness was partially affected by the predominantly liberal community that characterizes our school. I had often sympathized with those students that were Conservative but being more of a liberal myself, I felt comfortable amongst my peers. The provocation my conversations with James brought helped me see the downside to such a homogenous atmosphere; In a place where uttering any racist thought was almost taboo, anybody could give reasons as to why racism was bad, but it is in my observation that some of us only reflect on the exterior what is perceived as right but do not truly, whether we admit it to ourselves or not, practice these values. This led me to wonder, in a situation of crisis and high personal stakes, how many people would adhere to these values that we had been taught and peer-influenced to believe in? In a homogeneous atmosphere where beliefs are not often challenged many of us never have the chance to think independently and form opinions for ourselves and, therefore, are unable to truly learn.

My acquaintance with James revealed to me the pitfall of ignorance in the presence of knowledge. It totally changed my perception of what learning really is. To truly learn something, one must not only be taught, but tested. To have learned something incorporates the ability to apply that knowledge in life, and for it to change the way one perceives the world. In college, I hope to encounter those with different cultures and viewpoints not only to experience the spice of life, but to continuously challenge my own beliefs and the beliefs of others in an honest pursuit of learning and understanding of the world.