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Posts by ramenbowl95
Joined: Oct 19, 2012
Last Post: Oct 30, 2012
Threads: 5
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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ramenbowl95   
Oct 30, 2012
Undergraduate / a special ability with music [2]

UChicago:
(Optional): Share with us a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, blogs, magazines, or newspapers. Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own.


'"Treat You Better Than Me
Because That's The Heavenly Key
To Unlock The Inner Strength
Where My Essence Will Be
It's The Knowledge Of Self
Understanding Of The Things Around Me
That Becomes The Wisdom That I Need"

These lines were not made by some famous poet or some renowned rapper, but instead by a humble DJ that goes by the name of Nujabes. Barely known in America, Nujabes is truly a hidden gem among the Japanese hip hop producers. What distinguishes Nujabes from the rappers we have today is that he chooses to write about how to live and how to deal with life. Instead of talking about violence and substance abuse, he decides to use his music to in order to show how the human mind works and what people yearn for. By listening to his beats, I often find myself drifting into a state of tranquility. I would often listen to his albums for hours and soon enough, I realize that his music became a part of my life.

When I heard my first Nujabes track I thought "Who are these people singing?" I looked at all of his songs and not a single artist was familiar. I thought, why would such a talented producer choose such nameless people? The more I listened, the more I came to understand why he chose these people. In his eyes, everyone had a story to tell. By listening to the amalgamation of these hip hop artists, I felt a connection towards the lyrics and I started to say to myself "Hey, I've been in a similar situation." Because of how Nujabes' music touched me, I was shocked when news of his death came to America. I was mortified that he had died before his music could inspire and speak to more people. I felt that he had been cheated. Such talent and innovation was wiped off the world without even given a chance to shine. From this experience I initially thought that life was unfair, but as I listened to Nujabes again, I started to think differently. As I listened to his music again, I felt the same sense of peace and security. It was then that I began to think that perhaps he did have his chance, after all he managed to reach me. Even though Nujabes might have passed away, I believe his soul is still alive - you just have to relax and press play.

UChicago never stated how long the prompt had to be. I don't know if this is too lengthy. It's around 400 words.
Thoughts on my piece? Thanks!
ramenbowl95   
Oct 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Playing Running Back' - Common App Short Answer "Football" [4]

Our football team can't win, but given the situation that there are no coaches, it would be quite difficult to do so.

Great piece! Maybe you could add some adjectives to this sentence to make it more vivid to the reader!
"As captain, I develop practice menus, introduce new drills, schedule practice games with other schools, and hold meetings where the team reviews videotaped practices and scrimmages."
ramenbowl95   
Oct 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Dancing with people from Kenya' - UMICHIGAN SUPPLEMENT [3]

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

What is "community"? "Com" means "fully" and "unity", "together as one.", so a community would be a group of people fully aggregated together under one unifying force. I belong to a dance community, and it allows me to choreograph the steps I take in life. Instead being led on an obscene detour as a way of escape, I can count on dance to be my remedy. When I hear the music, I feel the music. I feel the rhythm coursing through my vein. Allowing my body to express my feelings, I vent the issues away.

The multifaceted language of dance has dialects ranging from hip-hop to ballet. Sometimes dancers may not understand the music that others dance to, but they can connect by absorbing the emotions that their movements portray. In this diverse community, I get a chance to expose myself to life. We all have different sized feet, different perspectives of the world. We may not fit into each others shoes, but we can learn from one another. By doing so, I believe we can sharpen our viewpoint of everything we do.

Being able to dance with people from Kenya all the way to Malaysia is something that helped me understand the lifestyles of these individuals. Each person's culture and environment plays a role in each move they make to the beat. Meeting so many unique people from this network of dancers encourages me to learn more about the world. The world may be huge, but the dance community is also huge. As each minute passes it grows bigger with newly born members. I would know. I used to be one of them.

Any thoughts on making this better is appreciated!! :)
[I definitely need some suggestions on how to end my piece. I don't want to say "I used to be one of them" because it sounds like I'm not a dancer anymore. I want to instead put it in the terms of "I changed".]
ramenbowl95   
Oct 26, 2012
Undergraduate / '58 men who look just like Waldo' - UChicago Essay #2 [7]

"You try to begin with physical characteristics, (I'm pretty sure a semicolon should be used here instead of the comma) then work towards the more abstract dissection of personality."

"Then using this information ..."

"First step: The obvious;"
Maybe you shouldn't put first step because the way you put it is structured differently than the rest of your piece. ex. it doesn't continue saying "Second step, etc"

And instead of the obvious, you could put the facts.

"He is not the shy and nervous man we presume him to be, but rather an attention seeking egomaniac obsessed with photo-bombing some poor tourist's photography."

Perhaps you could reword this!

"Back to the physical appearance, plus some statistics."
This is grammatically correct (sorry if that sounds harsh LOL).
Maybe you could say let's look back at the physical appearance with some statistics on the side.

Overall, I like the concept you have. The fact that you're a math person and put a bit of a statistical math spin on it is also a nice plus.

Good luck with Uchicago! Check out my Uchicago piece too!(:
ramenbowl95   
Oct 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Not black and white' - Common App Short Answer - Piano [7]

"When I am fighting with my family, or come home from a bad day at school, I walk in my front door and there it is just sitting there waiting for me, smiling with all 52 pearly whites."

I felt that this sentence was phrased awkwardly. Maybe you could condense it, or split it up into two sentences.

anddddd

I like the 2nd sentence out of the two that you put!

best of luck!
ramenbowl95   
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I'll never be bored in this community' - UCHICAGO SUPPLEMENT [2]

How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to UChicago.

I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. All I know is that I'm going to do something I love. Getting a high salary would be a nice plus, but if that means not enjoying myself, then no thank you. When I entered high school, I realized that the prospect of an actual job was on the horizon. After college, I don't want to pretend to love the next part of my life. I want to be happy.

The University of Chicago is the college that comes to mind when I think of happiness. It makes me dream of spending the next four years of my life with an amiable family that consists of not only the students, but also the experienced faculty. There's an amazing 7 to 1 student to faculty ratio, so I know I can get the personal down to earth kind of tips (advice? Information?) that students from other schools won't receive. With over 350 student organizations and an office of Career Advancement, this school - no, this home - will provide me with the strong, firm foundation I need.

I can see myself informing the other 16 students in my class to take part in donating blood to the American Red Cross Club right before dashing to the Grand Reading Room to study for the psychology exam that I aim to crush. When the day comes to an end, I'll be sitting on the porch of my dorm enjoying a novel under the breathtakingly vintage architecture in the resplendent Hyde Park.

Whether it be beat boxing with the Voices in my Head, jamming with the Phinix Dance Crew, or doing cardio in the Bernard J. DelGiorno Fitness Center, I know that I'll never be bored in this diversely wonderful community. I will constantly be learning something with every step of the way.

It's this kind of life that makes me happy. It's with that kind of happiness that gives me an identity. And it's with that kind of identity that shows me that I belong in the University of Chicago.

(In the bold, I don't know whether to use the word "tips" "advice" or "information")
When I say "this home", I feel that I may be sucking up a bit too much.
"Bernard J. DelGiorno Fitness Center" I feel that the term is just too wordy. LOL Maybe UChicago students refer to it as something shorter?

Insights please! Thank you!!(:
ramenbowl95   
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'life's conundrums and complications' - So where is Waldo, really? UChicago [7]

First of all thanks for critiquing on my piece! I responded to you on it, so check it out!

"Look beyond the obvious."
When I read that, I felt like the admissions officer may take offense in that. I read it along the lines as, "Are you stupid?" Maybe it's just me.

You should ask some other people about that for their opinion!

"If we dig deeper , aim higher, try harder and look deeply ..."
You used the base word, deep, twice in the same sentence. Maybe you could find another word for one of them.

Other than that, I thought your piece was concise and well written.
Good luck on the whole process!
ramenbowl95   
Oct 24, 2012
Undergraduate / Unexpected Lesson - Common App Essay [4]

"Days after the election I realized that If this never happened I never would have reflected as hard as I did when I lost, and then I would have never realized my mistakes and the valuable lessons I learned."

"One of the lessons I learned is how important it is to build relationships and, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be, it's imperative to communicate with another when problems arise."

Some sentences in your piece seem a bit long. If you can shorten some of them, more emphasis can be seen in your actions!
And I didn't really get any type of negative impression when I read the 2nd paragraph.
Good luck!!

If you get a chance, check out my essays!
ramenbowl95   
Oct 20, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I remained silent when the train doors slid open..' - UCHICAGO SUPPLEMENT [4]

Any tips you can give me is great!!

Essay Option 3: Susan Sontag, AB'51, wrote that "silence remains, inescapably, a form of speech." Write about an issue or a situation when you remained silent, and explain how silence may speak in ways that you did or did not intend. The Aesthetics of Silence, 1967.


It was horrible. That was the first thought I had when the train doors slid open. I noticed there was a homeless man sleeping in the corner with a McDonald cup by his feet. All the passengers were crowding away from him with their hands covering their nostrils, and even though I felt sorry for him, I joined the group. I felt bad for the man, but also useless. I couldn't help him in anyway. Then it came to me: I had a sandwich that I could give to him. It was made by Mama Chee, and anything homemade comes straight from the heart. I moved to extract the sandwich from my bag but stopped at the thought of physically giving it to him. What if the others judged me? It was a constant silent battle in my head. I spent so much time debating about whether I should step up or not that I reached my stop already, and I dragged myself out onto the platform with a sense of grief. When I took the bus home, I took out my sandwich. As I took bite by bite, the guilt was making itself comfortable and eating me up from the inside.

The next evening as the train flew by me, I saw the image of that faded maroon jacket that looked like Swiss cheese. The doors opened and my nose immediately familiarized itself from yesterday. Could it be that I just stumbled upon the same train cart and the smell was still here? I was not sure, but I was certain of one thing. The scene I walked in on yesterday was unchanged. The man was again in the same cart as I was. I sat down in awe. Was I given a second chance? Was this an example of what they called fate? This time, I made sure I did what I felt was right. People around me were sleeping, reading the New York Times, or simply covering their noses while furrowing their brows.

Right before my stop, I picked myself up and went over to the man. I cautiously tapped on his shoulder. As he pushed his wild hair aside, his eyes opened. There was a confused look in his charcoal eyes. I placed today's sandwich into his rough hands and our eyes stayed locked. It was a moment that was truly beautiful. The gaze he kept transitioned itself to one of gratefulness, one that really sent a sincere thank-you that landed straight in my heart. Everyone in the train was still quiet, but I felt the atmosphere around me change. As I turned to prepare for the doors to open, I noticed a difference. Smiles. Everyone there that wasn't knocked out from work had a smile that warmed me up. No words had to be said during those 5 minutes to make me happy. Silence spoke out to not just me, but to everyone in that train cart that day. Each individual saw that a ten second span can be engraved into a spot for special memories. The absence of speech brought out a powerful feeling at that moment. I felt amazing. It was better than winning first place in some tournament. It was much better. I guess silence really is golden at times.

548 words
ramenbowl95   
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'inclined towards psychology and helping others' - UMICHIGAN [2]

U Michigan
Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests?


The University of Michigan is a very prestigious place to attend after high school. Being ranked sixth for best undergraduate teaching displays the strong commitment the faculty there has for the students during their undergrad years. I am applying to the college of Literature, Science, and the Arts with an interest of a psychology major.

With more than eighty majors available, I have a better selection to choose from compared to other schools. Having the freedom to get a feel of what some majors are like will give me a better insight into which major would suit me best. As of now I may be inclined towards psychology, but after have my feet dipped into a variety of other courses, I may find something that I'll love doing and pursue a masters degree in that field.

I've always had an interest in helping others in any way possible. I would have nothing to lose, and I'll be benefitting others. What's not to like about that? I think the Mentorship Program is a great way for me to express my altruism towards incoming students. I won't be able to partake it during my first year in the University of Michigan, but I will aim for a spot as I grow into an upperclassman. I would be able to assist them in making a successful academic and social transition, and by doing so I would give back to the school for how it guided me with a strong career base.

The school gives the opportunity for students to go abroad and intern in programs such as the International Career Pathways Program. By being put in a different environment, I can gain the proper experience and training for a steady career. Not only would I learn more about the field I work in, but I also get to expose myself to the native people. By doing so, I can truly understand their culture and develop a better outlook of the world.

Aside from my career in the future, I would like to focus on volunteering opportunities such as the Peace Corps at the University of Michigan. By helping others all over the world, I can grow to become a better person. Knowing that this program has been active since 1960, with students going to over 44 countries, empowers me to reach out to others and give them my support.

The programs that this school has to offer encourages me to strive to become a student there. Each university has its pros, but this one in particular has so much more. In one case, the entrepreneurial spirit of Ann Arbor gave birth to a myriad of famous chain businesses such as Urban Outfitters and Domino's Pizza. I find that awe inspiring. By being part of the student community here, I hope to find an identity for myself. I know that with the high status of the school from the dedicated faculty, I can grow to be the best I can be in this 3,071 acre institute.

(((((Sometimes I put "this school" or "the school" instead of putting "the University of Michigan".
I feel that if I keep putting "the University of Michigan, it'll sound repetitive! Thoughts on this please! Thank you!)))))
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