Posts by cezyou

cezyou

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / 'real life business situations' - Lehigh University Supplement [5]

The 'aspect,' if you wanted to talk about the programs, is the programs themselves, not each individual program. Talking about the programs available and why they interest you would be a good essay - it would tell the reader that you've researched Lehigh and have a good reason to go there instead of somewhere else.

cezyou

Nov 15, 2012

Undergraduate / 'real life business situations' - Lehigh University Supplement [5]

The list of ways that you express yourself at your high school is not really necessary - it is unrelated to the prompt and sounds like you are trying to pump yourself up like a pufferfish and trying to make yourself look bigger. The same goes for the sentence before it about leadership and innovation, unless Lehigh students have shown these qualities to you, or some other way to connect it to Lehigh. The way your essay is now, it takes a long time to get to the aspect. The aspect that interests you is the part of your essay that interests the admissions officers, and should feature early.

Also, you say that the aspect that interests you is the school's ranking, but there are 24 other schools in the top 25. What about Lehigh makes it stand out from these schools? Why not apply to one of the other schools? A different choice of aspect would probably make for a stronger essay - for example, you mention the programs at Lehigh. These could focus more prominently as the aspect. Only a suggestion, of course, though.

cezyou

Nov 15, 2012

Undergraduate / Stanford Application - "Getting it Right" [4]

I didn't quite get it while reading - it isn't clear until the end that dance is what matters to you, and only a single paragraph goes towards explaining why that it is. Instead it focuses mostly on an anecdote that has no relevance to the reader yet.

It would probably fit the intellectual vitality prompt better, to be honest, since it describes an experience (your struggle to focus and get it right), and afterwards you think differently and have developed a bit.

cezyou

Nov 15, 2012

Undergraduate / 'when we got lost' - Why Swarthmore? Supplement Essay [2]

So yeah! I would enjoy some help if possible. : >

Right now the essay sounds stiff and cheesy to me, and too stretched as well. There was more I wanted to talk about - mainly the fact that Swarthmore gives no loans, only student aid - but there wasn't space. (There probably isn't space for some of the stuff still in there! : < ) I'd like some opinions on what needs to go, what needs fixing, and a general direction of editing, please.

The prompt is 'Please write a brief statement telling us why you have decided to apply to Swarthmore in particular.' There is a limit of 2000 characters. The essay is currently 2011 - any easy cuts?

The essay itself follows.

I have a number of reasons for applying to Swarthmore in particular. This is an important decision for any young person, so I've made sure to choose all of the colleges I apply to with care. However, Swarthmore is far and away my favorite school, and the one which I feel is most perfect for me.

Such a strong feeling must come from somewhere, of course. During junior year, I had Swarthmore recommended to me many times by counselors and parents, but then I felt only a small attraction (because I imagined devious piratical puns, yarr!). I largely dismissed it, though, knowing little of it.

Then my family planned a short vacation driving to New York, visiting colleges along the way - Swarthmore was perfectly situated for this happenstance! Before the visit I did a little research, and I no longer knew why I hadn't felt a stronger attraction before then. In particular, the curriculum was diverse, ranging from the linguistics of sign language to quantum chemistry, and the faculty to student ratio was amazing. I have close relationships with several of my high school teachers, and the possibility for something like that was high on my list for college choice.

The visit itself cemented the knee-jerk reaction into a firm conviction to try my best to gain admittance. Besides the wonderful arboretum on campus, the info-sessions and tours gave me further information about the thing I wanted to know more about: the Tri-College Consortium. The Consortium would allow me even more diversity in course choice, and is another point for Swarthmore.

The most important aspect of the visit, however, was when we got lost. We were ready to condemn ourselves to a long while of wandering, but the very next person to pass us was ready to help us. A small kindness, yes, but they are the ones that count.

After the visit, I knew that I would apply to Swarthmore. A school with such community is one that I would be proud to attend, and hopefully I am one student that Swarthmore would be proud to have.

cezyou

Nov 11, 2012

Undergraduate / "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken" - Chicago Essay [6]

The biggest problem with it is that it sounds incredibly generic. It includes details about you, but nothing about UChicago. It doesn't relate specifically to UChicago at all, and you could probably switch out any instances of 'UChicago' with any other college or university. This is decidedly...non-optimal. Admissions officers will not accept such generic work.

cezyou

Nov 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'Coral Gables, Miami' - My lost palace [3]

What about Coral Gables makes you like getting lost? Getting lost is usually not pleasant, so what about the 'atmosphere and environment' makes you like getting lost? Why do you think that atmosphere is there?

Also, 'for amateurs' sounds a bit awkward to me - almost like part of another clause like 'and it is for amateurs,' only missing the 'it is.' Maybe 'amateurish' or something?

cezyou

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Singleton' - Common App: How a way out turned into an outlook [3]

Is this for the 1st prompt? The 'significant experience' one?

Overall the essay sounds good! However The realisation that the complicated mathematics Singleton explained was just a development from the simple flow chart exercises from our ICT lessons. This left me in awe. sounds like you get trapped in your own sentence! The first sentence is a fragment, so these two sentences should be combined: The realisation that the complicated mathematics Singleton explained was just a development from the simple flow chart exercises from our ICT lessons left me in awe.

In addition, you mention fashion out of nowhere - is this an activity that you mention elsewhere in your essay as something you have a deep interest in? It sounds like it.

Also keep in mind, not everyone knows what pattern cutting is - I only know because I have a friend who is a design major.

Finally, you mention not wanting to take design classes without math classes. Your wording suggests that you will flat out refuse it! It makes you sound rather unflexible and stiff in your plans, which is not what admission officers are looking for.

cezyou

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App essay about Snowflake metaphor [3]

Waagh, I posted to yours without reading your response and now I feel like a noob who just told someone much better than them that guns suck and that you should play Call of Duty with combat knife and riot shield. ;_;

But thank you for the response. A lot of the awkward phrases you pointed out were things I added to those sentences afterwards to try to clarify, since I've been told I'm not a clear writer, but I guess without them is fine if they mess up the flow. I'll edit and post a new version by tomorrow.

Anyway, own opinion time! I felt like the ending was not very good and mostly agree with you. Don't know why I made a bunch of grammar mistakes. Usually I am much better about this sort of thing.

But yes, thank you a lot.

cezyou

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / 'An evening with friends' - Williams Looking through the car window [4]

I feel like your essay is not really describing an environment but rather a context. I read the prompt as asking for an environment that was particularly important, like one that you saw everytime you did something important to you, like a window outside of where you practiced your favorite instrument or one that you looked out of before every theater performance, or an environment linked to an important event in your life, like the lawn where your crush and current long-term significant other asked you out or the street where your best friend was hit by a car and killed or something like that. By focusing on the context of one evening, the environment out of the window is really minimized, and it feels like (to me) a dodge of the prompt.

Just my opinion, tho.

Edit: Guns and combat knifes, man. ;_;

cezyou

Nov 10, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'Independent, Artistic, Curious' - 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF ESSAY [5]

'Artistic' seems a bit scatterbrained, jumping from singing to nature to picture-taking to buses. Also has some grammar mistakes.

Every single part of my body proudly says that I am an artistic person. I am engrossed in everything involving arts or music. I give my family, the whole neighborhood and my shower the pleasure of hearing my voice at my highest pitch accompanied with the so-called "music" that comes out of my guitar. Also , the beauty of nature inspires me. I would spend an entire day holding a camera, taking random buses, wandering around the streets and capturing photos of random things. This last sentence would be best as something like I spend entire days wandering around both by foot and by bus with a camera, taking photos of whatever catches my interest. This flows a bit better, is consistent in tense, and ties better into Curiosity.

Speaking of which, Curiosity is really short. Maybe mention curiosity in your normal life as well as in travel? For example, mentioning specific instances of questions you have had, like 'Why are snowflakes six-sided' or something, would make it longer and demonstrate how curious you are.

EDIt: Also font colors don't work inside each other. : (

Also, curious as to what your native language is?

cezyou

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / "Do you have chocolate?" College App Work Experience Essay [4]

What are you trying to convey here? That your job taught you that grizzly old guys with tattoos like ice cream too? That you are responsible and have held a steady job successfully even when nervous? That you know the laws of thermodynamics?

The essay is much too short, and doesn't say anything about you as a person. It reads as a description and doesn't help the admissions officers get to know you at all. Furthermore, your mentioned expectation about a letter will probably actually hurt you - people don't like being told what to do, and the admissions officers are no different.

cezyou

Nov 10, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App essay about Snowflake metaphor [3]

Right, so Common App essay. Joining the Early Action rush-herd of people, if such a thing exists.

Prompt was one of the six Common App ones, which are as follows.

1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

2. Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

3. Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

4. Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

5. A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

6. Topic of your choice.

I am fairly certain it doesn't fit the first five, so am currently planning on submitting under the 'your choice'. Tell me if I am wrong, of course. : >

I want to get into one of Swarthmore, Haverford, UChicago, or Wooster, so I would appreciate knowing if I and my essay are up to snuff for each of these schools. Again, tell me if I'm not, please.

Essay follows. I will post my own opinion of my essay after I get one reply. It is 574 words, 74 more than the recommended word bound, so anything that should be trimmed can be. Again, tell me if anything's not good, if I should attach it as a file, if I should lower my standards for schools, if I'm the reincarnation of Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot and will burn for my dirty communistic fascist genocidal deeds, anything at all. : >

Humans are comparable to snowflakes. Of course, we aren't actually ice - that's not how metaphors work! What I mean, more specifically than the proverb that no two are exactly alike, is as follows.

From our creation, we aren't complete six-sided snowflakes. We start as a grain of dust, without any burden or knowledge, or existance as a snowflake. Someday, forces beyond our control introduce us to our new world: you're alive! You're one of us! Look! You can fly! You can fall if you want - just live first - and grow, mature, and ripen into a snowflake to make us proud when it hits the ground.

We have to grow, and we have to grow up. Just as we started as dust (biblically and metaphorically), every crystal that we gain, condenses on a particle. A full and ideal snowflake without dirt or bacteria for the ice to grow on simply does not exist. Nor does a human have a growing and maturing life without experiences. Some of this maturity will have things at their core that we would rather not have at all - but without them you will either remain a speck without the ability to stand up a snowflake or ice will condense on shapeless ice, becoming something else entirely.

Someday we will fall out of the cloud of our childhood, where our cherished and shaming experiences helped us grow, and fly down to Earth. Some of us will be mature already, and some of us will not. Either way, starting to fall will happen even if we would rather frolick in the sky, as we age into young adults gazing back at better times, or it will begin with a joyful glee looking forward towards the journey of life and the place we could find on the ground.

The fall itself is a time of transition. Some start it as adults; others younger. It is a time where we will eventually find a place in the world. A few falls will take longer than others. For many, their fall will be the final catalyst, as they rapidly collide with many more experiences and particles tumbling through the air. There is no turning back time and age, and there is no escape from gravity, up-drafts or not. Once started, each fall shares two things - turbulent conditions forcing adaption and change, and a peaceful end on ground prepared and chilled by forebears, while passing the wait for a thaw's death by enjoying the company of fellows from far-flung backgrounds and clouds.

My own fall has likely begun already. Whether I am a six-sided adult or not, I do not know. I cannot see my own structure or judge my own readiness for anything. Nor can I demand a particular place in the world or on the ground.

I can, however, guide my fall as best I can, maybe add to myself along the way. I can apply to universities that would teach me things beyond what I know now, I can study the same things on my own. I can discuss with peers or with experienced adults. I can learn to dance or sing or draw or paint. I can try my best to express my entire being in short essays, or I come up with what I think are interesting metaphors for life. And I can, I want, to grow well, to fall well, and to finish life six-sided.